A/N: For all those wondering if Spike and Angel are still gonna get together, in the words of Oliver on the OC last night, you ‘can’t fight fate’. Besides, my story isn’t near over yet… I hope ya’ll don’t think I’m running my story to the ground, but I think there’s still quite a bit left to go…

 

Reflection

 

Spike walked away from English completely confused. For starters what the hell did Angel want Spike to write about? Yeh, Spike had seen a thing of beauty around lately but somehow he thought it might be a tad inappropriate for him to write about Angel… Then he remembered Angel’s words to write about something that ‘makes you feel passionate’ and to ‘just focus on what you’re writing about rather than what you are actually writing’. Spike had an idea, instead of writing about what had happened he could write about how it made him feel, there would be no way Angel could know what he was writing about.

 

He bumped into Fred in the hall and they both dropped their books.

 

“God, I’m sorry Fred, I should have been watching where I was going,” Spike apologised.

 

“Nah, it was my fault too, I was in a bit of a daze…” Fred said and they both bent down to pick up their stuff, occasionally passing each other anything that had rolled away. “So whatchya got next?” She asked.

 

“Spare, thank god.” Spike said, “I was out late last night and I’m still kinda tired.”

 

“Are you ok?” Fred asked, looking at him, “you seem kinda upset about something?”

 

Spike wondered if he had looked upset back in class and hoped to god that he didn’t, he didn’t want Angel feeling sorry for him or thinking that he was some sort of school kid with a crush. “I’m fine,” he said, “nothings wrong I’m just tired.”

 

“Well if you’re sure… I better get to class. And you know if something is wrong you can always talk to me or Wesley…” She said as she left, leaving him to decide whether or not he would tell them about it.

 

“Thanks,” he called out after her and saw her turn around and wave.

 

Spike wished more than anything that he could tell someone about it, it would make things so much easier; but he had promised that he wouldn’t and he knew that Angel could get in a lot of trouble over it. That’s where his problem with the whole thing was, he still wanted Angel. Spike didn’t care that Angel could be anywhere between 5-10 years older than him, he didn’t care that Angel was a teacher, he just wanted him. Spike sighed, he didn’t know what to do; usually when he wanted something he would chase after it, but he just didn’t know whether or not it was the right thing to do. Fuck he was screwed.

 

The rest of the day went by really slowly, Spike couldn’t concentrate, he just kept thinking about Angel and the poem he had to write. During lunchtime he sat down with Wes and told him about what Angel had said, leaving out the inappropriate parts.

 

“I think its really great that Mr O’Connor wants to help you.” Wes said.

 

Spike groaned inwardly, there was that name again, Mr O’Connor. That very name epitomised why Spike and Angel couldn’t be together, like Spike needed any reminder, it had been all he could think about all day in Art he had gotten a detention for not paying attention. Spike was so not in the mood to do a detention and he didn’t have Art until Thursday so he just decided that he would do it tomorrow.

 

“Yeh it is,” Spike agreed, not really knowing what else to say.

 

“So have you picked a topic?” Wes asked.

 

“Kinda,” Spike said knowing that if he had said yes then Wes would ask what it was.

 

“Have you started writing it yet?”

 

“Not really, I figured I’ll just do it at home.”

 

“Fair enough, but if you need any help…” Wes said.

 

“Thanks,” Spike replied.

 

“So have you heard from Liam yet,” Wes asked, not really feeling comfortable calling Spike’s mystery man by Angel… “I can see you’ve been keeping your phone on you in case it rings.” Wes said nodding towards where Spike’s mobile was visible inside his bag.

 

Spike didn’t know what to do, it was like some higher powers were rubbing it in his face that he and Angel would never be able to be together…

 

“No, not yet, and I don’t think I will…” Spike said, “I don’t think he’s the type to call.”

 

Wes seemed genuinely sympathetic, assuming that during the day Spike must have gone over their conversation and found some sort of indicator that he hadn’t noticed the night before, “that’s such a shame, but there are plenty of other guys, I mean girls- *people* out there for you.”

 

“Yeh, I’m over it,” Spike said, even though they both knew that he was far from it.

 

Wes looked over at his step-brother, he seemed really down in the dumps, Wes wondered what was making him feel this way, he was tempted to ask but he knew that Spike would tell him when he was ready so he just let it go.

 

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Later that afternoon when Spike had gotten home from school he sat down and got out some paper, ready to start writing, he decided just to write a short poem, just in case it was crap, that way he wouldn’t feel so bad if he hadn’t spent that long on it. He tried a couple of times, stopping half-way through to scrunch up pieces of paper until he finally managed to write a few stanzas that he thought were ok. He was really nervous about showing Angel tomorrow, but he knew there was no way he could avoid it.

 

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Angel left work that afternoon feeling that except for the whole Spike thing his day had gone alright. He couldn’t believe how badly things with Spike had turned out. Just 24 hours ago he didn’t even know him and in less than that he’d created such a mess of things. He almost thought that it would be better that he hadn’t even met him but something inside him made him unable to wish he could take back that night. He wished there was something he could do about it, but he knew there was nothing.

 

He got home later that afternoon and immediately went to the phone to call Cordy, forever thankful that LA wasn’t that far away and he didn’t have to worry about time differences.

 

He heard the phone ring a few times before she picked up, “Angel is that you?” she asked, already knowing that it was him from the caller ID.

 

“Yeh it’s me.” Angel said, “How have you been?”

 

“Sucky since you left, but back to you,” she said excitedly, “how are things down there and when can I come and visit you?”

 

“You can visit me anytime and as for how things are, where should I start…” Angel paused, “I went out to a club last night-”

 

“Did you meet anyone?” She asked interrupting him.

 

Angel was used to her interrupting him when she was excited about something and he was flattered that she obviously cared about him. “Yeh I did, and he’s great, but its complicated… he’s a student…” Angel trailed off waiting for her reply.

 

“He’s a student? Angel you and I both know that’s a no-go zone. What exactly happened?” she asked.

 

Angel took a deep breath and relayed to her the events that had occurred.

 

“Well it’s not your fault Angel. You couldn’t exactly expect to find one of your students at a gay bar.” Cordelia said.

 

“True, but then it’s not his fault either,” Angel said.

 

“It’s nobody’s fault,” Cordelia said, “but at least you sorted it all out.”

 

“I know Cordy, but to be honest I don’t know if it is all sorted out…” Angel said.

 

“What do you mean? Angel, your not still into him are you?” She asked.

 

“Would that be totally wrong of me?” Angel asked.

 

“The sad thing is I’ve never seen you feel this way about someone before…” Cordy said, “and no, its not wrong of you…”

 

‘Beep-beep. Beep-beep.’ Suddenly Cordy’s call waiting went off.

 

“Just leave it,” she said, sensing that Angel needed someone to talk to.

 

“No, you go get it; it could be important, we’ll talk again soon.” Angel replied, “don’t put your visit off for too long…”

 

“I won’t, see you soon,” She said and answered the other call when Angel hung up the phone. He sighed, he had never felt so conflicted before and so worn out. He lied down on the sofa and put his feet up, flicking on a documentary on the history channel and tried to at least pretend to watch it.

 

 

 

 

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