Jerome,
Me and Josh agree, you should hurry up and post something, you fucking lazy bastard.

Roman Orgy
Here's a conversation with me and Josh. Keep in mind that Josh has 2 broken ribs, and he is going to write a story about that which I will post later.

Josh: listen to how gay I am, I took a bath yesterday
Josh: because the hot water helped my ribs like 100%
Josh: but it is still gay
Me: wow, nice.
Me: nah, not gay
Me: did you wash the tub first though?
Josh: yes. i didnt have any bubble bath or bath oils and shit so i think that made it less gay
Me: hee hee. there's nothing gay about taking a bath dude, don't sweat it
Josh: oh there is everything gay about it
Me: unless you take a bath with another guy, like in ancient roman times
Josh: i even came out oif the closet to the people on my DMS group in an effort to confront my demons
Josh: speaking of which, I was thinking you and me could have an ancient roman party saturday ;-)
Me: HAHAHAH
Me: guess what?
Me: you just made the pages of against the grain

Here. Take it. Read it. Love it.
I kinda promised some more random links earlier. Maybe I should be a man and stick with my word. Last thing I need is some of you visitors coming over my house and beating me to an oblivion because I didn't post any links. And the fact that I don't have Black and White. Heh. I haven't been harassed about that for a while. Oh yeah, I'm never online, so it's kinda hard to be harassed. I should probably respond to all of the email I've managed to amass over the past couple weeks, too. God damnit, I need a secretary. Any takers? Requirements include being single, female, and very appealing to the eye. You don't need to know how to run my mother's fax machine if you dress provocatively, too.

But anyways...

I saw Dr. Whackjob's son some time earlier this week, and I finally learned the name of the damn technique they use to pinpoint which organ is misbehaving and which ones are ok. It's called contact reflex analysis (CRA for short) and it's a shady diagnosis tool used by those into acupuncture, chiropractics, and/or alternative medicine.

Here's a link that says CRA is really awesome.
Here's a link that says CRA is pretty cool, but it's not really a "be all and end all."
Here's a link that says CRA is full of shit. Check out some of Versendaal's statements.

I think CRA is somewhere between that middle and last link in terms of accuracy and validity. It's just fucking bizarre. It also doesn't make any sense if it's true. I'm still under the impression that the practitioners are running some sort of scam, although I do seem to be doing better.

Well, those weren't really stories per se, but these ones are:

* I have a snake, Man. Now I can't find my dog...
* If you plan on getting one of them fancy new gaming consoles, I suggest you go for the Playstation 2. Why? Because Square is owned largely in part by Sony. Square = best RPG makers ever.
* Civilization III is coming, Bitch! It should be on store shelves by October 30. Now I may have a reason to be at my computer again. I also predict many wasted weekends playing this game online with my brothas if I choose to go out and pick up the game.
* Hey! A FAQ about Anthrax! Even the educated may learn a little something about the virulence.

There. Happy now? Jerk.

Retirement Account Update
Here's a new feature at Against the Grain, my Retirement Account Update. It will appear at unregular intervals. (Basically when I remember or have the desire to write about it).

So here it is, in all its glory:

News	Symbol	Name	Last Price	Change	Quantity	Market Value	Gain
401K Plan Retirement
		Contributions ($)				$592.31
		Total Account Value				$592.31
Employee Stock Purchase Plan
	FDS	Factset Research Systems Inc.	$26.70	$0.83	12	$320.40	$61.83
		Contributions ($)				$414.53
		Total Account Value				$734.93	$61.83
Investments to Watch
		Total Account Value
		Grand Total				$1,327.24	$61.83

So if I were to retire today, I would be the proud owner of $414.53 in cash, $320.40 in FDS stock, (a whopping 12 shares!) and $592.31 in my 401K which is divided among 11 mutual funds.

Bert is still Evil
In my youth, tales of regale were told of a website of astounding character, beauty, and mythos. It was the stuff of legend, the choice of a new generation. The website: Bert Is Evil. A veritable zenith of mid 90's website creation. It belongs right up there in the Website Hall Of Fame^TM with HampsterDance, WWWF Grudge Match, and Mahir (I Kiss You!). But alas, the site's glory days have faded, and have become the stuff of campfire tales, a mere 3 years later.

Unfortunately, the memory of Evil Bert has lived on. Not unfortunate that the memory lives on, just unfortunate those who remember him are also evil. Thanks to Matt. (Matt is not evil, from what we hear).

This is insane.
Except for your brain cells, 50,000,000 of the cells in your body will have died and been replaced with others, all while you have been reading this sentence.

That's a lot of friggin' cells!

Yeah.
I might as well make a post before the day's over, I guess, just for the sake of keeping my normal posting tradition that I often end up breaking. But I guess that's understandably so. It's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care. Hehe.

Today was my first day off in like a week; Staples is trying to get every hour out of me they can knowing that my two weeks' notice is just about up. The managers there were trying to make me stay by telling me all of the cool incentives of working in the business machines (aka "electronics") department, like for each extended warranty plan I sell, I pocket like $5. And if I sell a cell phone, I get 5% or 10% of its price added onto my pay for that week. And if I install a hard drive on some guy's computer, I get $14 for it. So, over time, they can add up to some serious money. There's this one dude at work who is insane about the whole thing, and he makes about an extra $500 a month just for convincing others to get a warranty on their new phone and stuff. Not bad.

Unfortunately, I don't want to be a someone who pushes a customer to buy a more expensive product that I'd get some commission for selling when a cheapo similar product is good enough for the customer's intended use. There's something wrong with conducting that sort of business, in my opinion.

Also, how many cell phones and "printer accessory kits" are sold a week at Staples? Since I've been the chief cashier guy for the past three weeks, and since about 90% of all purchases check out through me when I'm working, I didn't ring up any such devices. About five items came to me in three weeks that required SPIF's (sales performance incentive funds, aka "the extra money you get for selling certain things"). Maybe it's just the slow time of the year, but that doesn't seem like too much extra money, especially since all of the items weren't sold by the same guy. There are usually two or three guys in the electronics department at any given time. Given that, I would rather have my base rate of pay and my hours increased by about 25%, 'cause I can't rely on something as fickle as SPIF sales to catapult me out of my house and into the real world. But the guy responsible for base pay rates is out on vacation for a while, and I don't intend to stay around long enough for him to come back.

Staples lacks a chief techie, so should I have stayed, I might have ended up being the guy who went to people's houses and installed network cards and whatnot. That would have been cool. Too bad I don't want to work for peanuts.

I think after I'm through at Staples, I may take some time off and see if the dude in charge of pay rates wants to give me some highly deserved money. If so, I may go back, since I'm sure I have paid my dues running a friggin' register for three or four ghastly weeks. It's time for me to move onto better things, like making $14 per hard drive installation. If I end up going back, I hope I don't end up being one of the guys that tries to convince people which products to buy in order to help me cover my gas and lunch expenses.

Oh, and speaking of registers: yesterday, the one I was using froze up on me. It was cool. There were lots of people that had to check out and I had to disperse them to the customer service desk and get a manager to get a temp register up and running for the other half of the customers. Then I got to wait five minutes for the register to reboot (they're computerized if you couldn't tell). Woo. And in case you're curious, it looks like the registers are running Windows NT 4.0 SP 5 (I think) and they have 64 MB of memory.

That's all I got for now. I have a couple story links to share, too, but I wanna finish some G work I'm doing.

Sorry, publishing is temporarily unavailable. (Will be available in 13 minutes.)
We'll see about that, Blogger.

Size Matters
Well, this is quite a heartwarming article, becuase the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, spiritual advisor of George Harrison has decided to continue with plans to build the world's tallest building, a pyramid, that will be twice the size of the shorter of the two world trade center buildings, and will be 48% taller than the world's current tallest buildings, the Petronas Towers. What will a building like this be used for, you ask? Why to generate world peace of course. Each of the 144 floors will be used for Vedic mantras and chants of over 100,000 Hindu priests, similar to the song below:

George Harrison - My Sweet Lord
My sweet lord
Hm, my lord
Hm, my lord

I really want to see you
Really want to be with you
Really want to see you lord
But it takes so long, my lord

My sweet lord
Hm, my lord
Hm, my lord

I really want to know you
Really want to go with you
Really want to show you lord
That it won't take long, my lord (hallelujah)

My sweet lord (hallelujah)
Hm, my lord (hallelujah)
My sweet lord (hallelujah)

I really want to see you
Really want to see you
Really want to see you, lord
Really want to see you, lord
But it takes so long, my lord (hallelujah)

My sweet lord (hallelujah)
Hm, my lord (hallelujah)
My, my, my lord (hallelujah)

I really want to know you (hallelujah)
Really want to go with you (hallelujah)
Really want to show you lord (aaah)
That it won't take long, my lord (hallelujah)

Hmm (hallelujah)
My sweet lord (hallelujah)
My, my, lord (hallelujah)

Hm, my lord (hare krishna)
My, my, my lord (hare krishna)
Oh hm, my sweet lord (krishna, krishna)
Oh-uuh-uh (hare hare)

Now, I really want to see you (hare rama)
Really want to be with you (hare rama)
Really want to see you lord (aaah)
But it takes so long, my lord (hallelujah)

Hm, my lord (hallelujah)
My, my, my lord (hare krishna)
My sweet lord (hare krishna)
My sweet lord (krishna krishna)
My lord (hare hare)
Hm, hm (Gurur Brahma)
Hm, hm (Gurur Vishnu)
Hm, hm (Gurur Devo)
Hm, hm (Maheshwara)
My sweet lord (Gurur Sakshaat)
My sweet lord (Parabrahma)
My, my, my lord (Tasmayi Shree)
My, my, my, my lord (Guruve Namah)
My sweet lord (Hare Rama)

"Hi, I'd like a glazed donut to go, please."
In case you're tired of going through the Burger King drive-thru getting the same food you do every night after your late shift, perhaps you want to try one of Germany's new drive-thrus. Then you can go home to your wife and kids with a smile on your face.

And in case you were wondering about the glazed donut remark...

This is the Food and Drug Administration
Read all about Anthrax, and how it is 'a perfect biological weapon.' They haven't smelled my farts.

Egyptian protestors say: 'Bush Bush, you mean man, the blood of Muslims is not cheap.' A protestor apparently said 'Bush says bad awful things on the airwaves. And he says them about me and my family and I find that very abusive. Sir. Sir, please help me with this. He said he was gonna go fishin' with me, and he whipped me with the rods. And he hurt me in more awful ways. He stuffed a handful of worms in my face and he made me eat worms and he beat me so unmerciful with the rod I had stitches about my face. And I think he should be pulled off the air.

Rush Limbaugh is deaf. Or has he turned a deaf ear to opinions that are not his own? Ooh, I'm quick with the wit. The article also says Howard Stern is blind, but I think that's just from the whackin'.

Here is a website that a couple of my friends will be writing for. You'll have to bookmark it, since there is no content yet. http://www.eastcoastweb.iwarp.com. Good luck Joe and company.

Just for kicks, here is a friend of mine who has a problem. And not just with booze. Cheers to you.
**Update: he wanted me to post this picture of him instead.

I'm going to pimp my car out at autotoys.com. Thanks to Fran.

The next three links come from Metafilter, which you can find linked at the left there <--.
The A List

The Ig Nobel prize winners of 2001. This is not a prestigious award, and yet most of the 'winners' showed up and gave an acceptance speech.

Dr. Seuss' political cartoons from the 1940's.

Peace.

"I would like you to meet my little friend."
Let me introduce you to Mr. Tomahawk:

Suck it! I hope Mr. Taliban didn't need his military bases too badly. Or his radio towers. Or his house.

There's other cool (and one not-so-cool) pics if you click on any of these highlighted words.

You know that guy, Wesley, from The Princess Bride?
Well, it looks like he's gonna be a new assistant director in the upcoming season of The X-Files. I hope that means there will be some sort of Battle of Wits scene between he and Doggett or something. That'd be so tight.

"Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!"

Some links and other Random Crap^TM
From buddy/former roommie/butt pirate Josh: The Camel Toe Report. Very funny. Check out the celebrity 'Toes first.

From the Van Gogh-Goghs: How to win points at your job by being a chore

From me: Cornfield Ma(i)ze! A nice place to take a date. And then get lost in the maze and look like a champ when you have to call for help.

Suckfest 2001
What do Tonya Harding, Kato Kaelin, Darva Conger, Gennifer Flowers, Leif Garrett, Todd Bridges, Kaya Wittenburg, and the Real World's Puck have in common? Well besides achieving awesomely negative media notoriety at some point in their lives, and generally sucking as a whole, they are also all appearing together on an episode of The Weakest Link. I swear to god, this is the weirdest thing I have ever heard. Props to the Weakest Link for getting this together. I saw this on Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live, and it was corroborated by this website. In other Weakest Link casting news, Entertainment Tonight reports here the casting for another celebrity show which may or may not have aired already. Now they just need to cast a show with Media Whores Matt Pinfield, Monica Lewinsky, Carrot Top, Vince McMahon, Gary Condit, Fred Durst, Tom Green, Charles Barkley, Lorne Michaels and Richard Hatch, with Michael Jackson as host, to achieve their goal of 0 ratings. Wow, get all those people in a building, bomb the building, and the National Enquirer will lose half its stories.