Observations
September 29, 2000
My first observation is how lucky I am to have been born a dog. Perhaps one of the best parts about being a dog is the ability to speak Dog. It's a versatile language where a single word takes on many meanings based on inflection. It's kind of like Chinese but the tonal changes are in the consonants. Some examples of Dog are:
Bark - Hey you, I need to go out and poop!
Bark - Hey you, I need to go out and pee!
Bark - Hey you, I want something to eat!
Bark - Hey you, I'm bored and it's about time you got your fat butt out of bed anyway.
Bark - Same to you, fella!
Bark - Hey you! Yeah, you! What are you doing on my property?!
Bark - Hey you, this rope thing you're attached to my neck has wandered off and tangled itself again.
Dog is also a body language with shades of meaning depending on the circumstance. With a single deadpan look I can convey the following:
Yes, I really do have to go out again. You're the one worried about the carpets, not me.
Yes, you are the master and I'm the dog. Now shut-up and scoop my poop.
No, I'd rather have a steak but I'll take the biscuit since that's all you'll give me anyway.
No, I didn't chew on that. You must have mice or something.
No, I'm not Lassie and little Timmy did not fall down the well. Stop asking that!
Lesson #1: Study the language lessons and repeat.
October 28, 2000
This past week I expanded my staff by two. I'm breaking them in slowly using some of the tricks I learned bringing my executive staff up to speed. So far they're able to let me out on demand and ocassionally feed me. They are naturals at rubbing my belly and scratching my ears. If they keep up the good work, maybe I'll even let them take me for a walk and scoop my poop.
Lesson #2: There's no such thing as too much of a good thing.
November 2,2000
I have two relatively new hobbies that I am enjoying; excavation and evisceration. Excavation is fun. I dig nice deep holes in the garden removing any plant material and (chewable) rocks that might be in the way. Evisceration is an indoor sport. It involves opening up one of my stuffed toys and methodically stripping the stuffing and noisemakers out of the beast. I usually enjoy chewing the arms and legs off but I've recently learned the fun and challenge of starting at the stuffed critter's brain and working backward into the body.
I have noticed that the executive staff does not seem to share my enthusiasm for these hobbies. This is puzzling since the hobbies include him. He gets to fill in the excavations and he's getting better at re-stuffing and sewing the stuffed toys. I even concentrate my evisceration efforts on his stitches giving him the challenge of stronger stitching but that just seems to make him howl and wave his arms around. Maybe it's some sort of display of happiness but I don't think so.
Lesson #3: There's just no pleasing some people.
November 23, 2000 - Thanksgiving
More Dog language lessons:
Bark - Hey you, pass the potatoes and gravy this way
Bark - Hey, and a drumstick too!!!
Bark - You can keep the cranberry sauce.
And the look can also mean:
Well if you hadn't had the second helping of pie you could probably walk instead of waddling
Yes, I am grateful for a full belly but I'll only be thankful for some of that turkey.
December 5, 2000
The additional staff is working out extremely well so I am finally getting the attention I deserve. The staff has broken itself into two overlapping shifts. The newbies have the morning shift and let me out early in the morning. I usually return to bed and reassure the chief of staff (I promoted him due to seniority) that I have been taken care of and that he can continue sleeping. He does not appear to appreciate this courtesy even when I bring toys to demonstrate my happiness (See Lesson #3). When the early shift heads to bed at night I still have the senior staff to handle belly rubs, treats and such. The best is when all the staff is present and I can roam at will and get belly rubs and ears scratched anytime I want.
My world is alright except for the fact that the chief of staff has confiscated all cloth chew toys. I no longer have my evisceration hobby and the ground is freezing up limiting my excavation hobby. Luckily I have found a new hobby: eradication. I stumbled across it while bemoaning my loss of cloth chew toys. I take the heavy plastic toys and slowly reduce them to bite size pieces that I scatter about the floor kinda like abstract art. It's fun but the staff better get with the program and buy some more. These things go surprisingly fast once I get involved in it.
Lesson #4: When life gives you lemons, chew them into lemon bits.
December 10, 2000
I spoke too soon about the new help. They started out with such promise and then up and left me taking most of the new furniture with them. They've stopped by a couple of times but I refuse to give them any severance pay. Okay......maybe a tail wag.
Lesson #5: If you love them, set them free. When they come back, pee on them in a show of joy!!
December 13, 2000
Things are looking up!! The human installed an indoor tree for me. He decorated it for some reason. It looks nice but I'm not sure that electric lights on something I'm going to pee on is really a safe idea. In any case I haven't had a chance to use it yet. Everytime I lift my leg, the human zips me outside faster than you can say "Ahhhh......relief!!"
Lesson #6: A tree in the house is worth two in the yard....especially in the cold weather.
December 16, 2000
We have a house guest. My buddy Elmo is staying with us for a couple of weeks. It's a pity that the additional staff left me; I think that my human could use the help. I worry about his mental stability sometimes. After letting us back in the house and toweling us off this past rainy weekend (we had such fun in the mud!!) I heard him mutter something like "there's a reason shotguns come with two barrels."
Lesson #6: Bury the ammo in the backyard when the help starts getting restless!
December 25, 2000
All this loot for me!!! Biscuits, a jar to hold them, several soft chew toys and a couple rubber toys!! If I could only pee on the pretty tree I'd be in total heaven!
Lesson #7
In December, be a good dog. Santa's watching and pays well for good behavior!!
January 4, 2001
I had a couple more house guests. Wendy and Neil and Turbo and Diesel. Turbo's an okay dude but I think I have a crush on Diesel. She's playing harder to get the more I try to play with her. Even the humans are noticing and my human says if I keep this up I'm getting nuetered. It must be something really good because Wendy and Neil laughed.
Lesson #8
Reading is a good skill to learn. If I could read, I could look up "neuter" and figure out what sort of treat this is!
March 5, 2001
My executive staff apparently has gout. We don't go for walks anymore we go for lurches. Since he wants me to control my exuberance he's getting strict about the "Heel" command and is threatening to boycott walks if I don't behave. Somewhere along the line I've started to lose control!
Lesson #9
Good help is hard to find.