The sun was shining obnoxiously down on a beautiful patch of Middle Earth where the birds sang, the creek babbled like a cheerful Willow, and The Lovely Beta was trying to spear a fish for breakfast. She was also trying very hard to swear.
�Freck, frick, flick, frock.� Muttering grumpily under her breath, she stabbed the crudely whittled branch into the water and missed the fat, trout-like fish she was aiming for. It darted to the side and gulped tauntingly. �Shik!�
�I told you to watch your language.� Annie glanced up from her notebook with a raised eyebrow. �I didn�t know they put agents on swearing restriction.�
Ignoring Annie completely, The Lovely Beta managed to catch the edge of the tail and pin the unlucky fish to a rock. By the time she had wrestled the creature out of the water and onto the bank, she completely looked the part of a very bedraggled, very angry orc.
Annie�s nose wrinkled in disgust as The Lovely Beta whacked the fish against a rock to kill it and tossed it onto a clump of grass. Sitting down with an ungraceful thud, The Lovely Beta unhooked a wickedly curving knife from her leather belt and sliced into underbelly of the fish.
�Ugh.�
�Do you want to eat?�
�I�m not the one who stuck us here.� Annie sighed and turned back to the piles of electronic innards she was carefully reinserting into the Portal Generator.
�And when exactly will we be able to portal our ashes our of here, Gadget Girl? Ashes? Asts. Asps. Dumb-it!�
�I�m almost done. Of course I wouldn�t have to fix it if you hadn�t dropped it. Be glad the Character Analyzer had a few redundant components.� Annie glared over her shoulder but didn�t manage to look remotely frightening even disguised as an orc. �At least the disguise generator is working. And I thought I told you to leave the Canon Analyzer at the office?� She nodded to the other electronic device accusingly.
�So I didn�t want to spend five frecking seconds to take it out of the backpack. I�m impatient.� The Lovely Beta nonchalantly tossed aside the fish guts and forced a second pointed stick through the limp body as a spit. The tip protruded grotesquely from the fish�s dead mouth, hooking into a y-shaped branch that served as a pivot.
�It�s a good thing actually. Look at this.� Annie nudged the analyzer across the grass and tapped one of the buttons.
[Searching�.searching�.searching�.Canon or anything resembling canon not found. Please readjust and try again.]
�What does that mean?�
�It means this isn�t Middle Earth.�
The Lovely Beta was too busy staring down at the device to realize that she�d put one hand into the fire she was using to cook the fish. It took several seconds for the flames to penetrate the tough orc skin and the sensation of pain to wiggle its way up to the brain. Yelping loudly and clutching her smoking hand, she tumbled down the bank of the stream and dove headfirst into the creek. Annie glanced up briefly to see what the commotion was about, sighed tiredly, and turned her attention back to the calculations she was working on.
A few seconds later, spluttering and coughing, The Lovely Beta crawled out of the water nursing her burnt hand and kicked a few rocks for good measure before returning to the campsite. �Right then. If this isn�t gosdawned Middle Earth, where is it?�
�I don�t know. It looks like Middle Earth. There are orcs and there�s a Fellowship wandering around for some reason.� Annie frowned thoughtfully. �It�s like a pseudo Middle Earth. A Not-Middle Earth Middle Earth.�
�Huh?�
�I want to scout out the Fellowship and see what they�re doing. It might give me a better idea of where we are. Is the fish done yet?�
�Just about.� The Lovely Beta examined the fish, grimacing as she realized that she had charred one side. �I�ll take the burnt part. Watch out for bones.�
�At this point, I�m too hungry to care.�
Silently, they split the large, plump fish in half and picked through the slender bones for the meat. Apparently being an orc meant having a different set of taste buds because the burnt fish tasted like a perfectly cooked and expertly seasoned Alaskan Salmon. Like a good Girl Scout, The Lovely Beta doused the fire and cleaned up the area before helping Annie repack the equipment.
�They should be on their way to Lothlorien. That way, I think.�
�Your lead, kemo sabe. It�s been years since I dusted off my Tolkien.�
�We�ll stick to the trees.� Annie glanced up at the sun. �I can see why orcs don�t like sunlight.�
�Hard on the eyes.� The Lovely Beta agreed as she moved closer to the cover of the stubby fir-trees. �So what happens when we find the Fellowship? Won�t we just end up looking like porcupines with arrows for quills?�
�Probably.� Annie shrugged.
�Don�t sound so upset at the prospect of our imminent deaths.�
�They�ll stop for food sometime this afternoon where a stream joins the Silverlode.� Annie considered the position of the sun for a moment and picked up the pace. �We have a few hours.�
�How do you remember all of this stuff?� The Lovely Beta panted as they started up a steep incline.
�I can never find my watch.�
�That made no sense at all.�
Annie�s sigh sounded more like a growl. �It�s the way the mind prioritizes information. Can I remember what I had for breakfast? Not on your life. Do I know where the light switches are in the Summers house? Absolutely.�
�Interesting.�
�Annoying.� Annie snorted, pausing at the crest of the hill to gaze out over the landscape. �There. See them?�
�Bunch off little dots moving around? Yup.�
�Can you run?�
�When properly motivated.�
�Well, motivate then.� Annie took off down the other side of the hill, her greasy black hair swishing over the top of the backpack.
�Shmet.�
The Lovely Beta discovered a handful of alternative curses for the rocks, the prickly bushes, and the blazing sun as she barreled after the smaller orc. She was gasping painfully for breath and clutching at the aching in her side when Annie finally waved toward a stand of gnarled trees. Mentally promising the Powers that she would get back in shape if they would just make the agony stop, she limped the rest of the way and crept into the brush after Annie. Above the sound of the river, they could hear the murmur of voices as the Fellowship prepared food and tended to the wounds of Sam and Frodo.
Peering through the branches, The Lovely Beta resisted the nearly overpowering urge to slink further into the shadows. She frowned when Gimli broke into hoarse laughter and glanced at her partner. �Is he supposed to be laughing?�
�They seem�happy.� Annie frowned at the group as they bantered easily back and forth. She gently tapped one side of the protesting Character Analyzer and gave it a coaxing shake before aiming it at the Fellowship again. �Other than that gargantuan detail, they�re in character.�
�That�s odd.�
�Extremely.�
They listened to the snatches of conversation as they drifted through the trees, becoming more and more apprehensive at the relaxed attitudes of the group. Once their business was done and all evidence of fire erased, the Fellowship merrily trotted off into the deepening afternoon toward Lothlorien. Dumbfounded, Annie and The Lovely Beta stayed hidden in the bushes until they were well beyond the range of sight and sound.
�Something is seriously wrong.� The Lovely Beta picked a berry from the bush and tasted it warily. �They�re not even in a hurry.�
�And they�re not mourning Gandalf.� Annie leaned against one of the gnarled tree trunks. �Gollum should be following them. Keep an eye out for glowy eyes.�
�Glowy eyes, check.� The Lovely Beta situated herself to watch the trail beside the river. �Any theories?�
Annie tugged the Canon Analyzer out of the backpack and tried again. �Same results. Canon not found. How can the entire canon be missing?�
�Maybe this is just a dream.�
�Maybe.� Annie hesitated for a moment before emptying the rest of the devices and her notebooks onto the patch of earth between them. �Can you remove a character from a world?�
�What do you mean?�
�I know that a Suvian Demon can possess a character and that authors can add their own characters but can they remove one completely?�
�Yeah. I see fics with no Riley all the time. Or someone doesn�t want to use the whole ensemble so the other characters just vanish.� The Lovely Beta stifled a threatening sounding chuckle as Annie started chewing on her pencil. It was hard not to laugh at the sight of an orc sitting cross-legged, holding a notebook, and lost in thought.
�Steven St. Wolf.� Annie nodded slowly. �After he leaves Seattle but before Sunnydale.�
�That fifteen year gap?�
�There�s a flashback later in the fic that has him rescuing Smaug from a landslide in Peru.�
�Smaug? Tolkien�s Smaug?�
�Out of character but the same.�
�How does a dragon go out of character?�
�He�s nice and respectful for starters.� Annie waved her pencil quickly. �But follow me on this one. What if this author didn�t just borrow Smaug? What if he removed him completely from the Tolkien universe? Or at least this Tolkien universe.�
�There�s more than one?�
�This should be the book universe instead of the movie-verse. Like the Highlander movie-verse is different from the series universe.�
�How can you tell?�
�Little details. It�s easier with the Highlander movie-verse because the movies themselves have conflicting canons.�
�Back to the idea of dragon-napping so that St. Wolf could play the hero. Let�s say there�s no Smaug in this universe. That means there�s no journey to kill Smaug because he�s sitting on all that treasure. No Gandalf coming to Bilbo�s house.�
�No Bilbo getting the Ring. No anything.� The pencil snapped in Annie�s hand. �And no canon. Gollum still has the Ring because Bilbo never left the Shire.�
�And the Fellowship?�
�Probably don�t have a clue what they�re doing. Just wandering around Middle Earth on a lark.�
�Could be a good thing.� The Lovely Beta offered. �Then Sauron doesn�t know where the Ring is, right? No big war and the whole death thing.�
�But the universe is still trying to follow canon even though it doesn�t exist.�
�We really need to get out of here.�
�And Wanderverse really needs to be reined in before it destroys everything it touches.� Annie said grimly as she searched through the backpack for the portal generator. �If my calculations are right, this universe is going to self destruct when they reach Mount Doom and have nothing to throw in but themselves.�
�Isn�t that a picture?� The Lovely Beta chomped down on another berry, waiting anxiously as the Portal Generator whirred and beeped.
After two false starts, a doorway shimmered into existence. Annie stood up awkwardly, looking more than a little nervous as she disappeared through the portal. Brushing dirt and leaves from her legs, The Lovely Beta closed her eyes tightly and decided that it would be best taken at a run. If she ended up in some other universe then at least she�d have a head start on whatever might want to kill her. Branches crunched under orc feet and the familiar woosh of the portal sounded like music to her ears.
�Beta?� Annie�s voice was reassuring.
The Lovely Beta opened one eye warily, tensed and ready for an attack. Her disguise flickered along the edges of her vision. She looked down to find herself back to normal, if badly dressed, in embroidered jeans and a tank top. The surroundings were comfortingly familiar. Green grass, playground equipment gleaming in the moonlight, and the occasional tree waving ominously with the soft night breeze. Breathing in the cool Sunnydale air, The Lovely Beta patted her hair just to reassure herself that it was the right color and shape.
�Let�s try to avoid another detour like that in the future.� Back in her UC Sunnydale disguise, Annie slipped the Portal Generator into the backpack she had taken ownership of. �Shall we find the Stu?�
�We shall. And he will meet a very timely end.� The Lovely Beta blinked as a running figure caught her eye and she turned to see Willow careening through the park. �Oh shmeck. Already?�
Willow is running very hard and fast. She is very scared, because of the three vampires chasing her through the park. She is most afraid of what will happen to her when they catch her.
Willow can't believe how stupid she was. Staying late at Oz's place and then walking home alone. < I can't believe my luck. I run into Angel and eight vampires as I'm leaving Oz's house. > Willow thinks back to Angel's offer.
"Ah Willow, out for a late night with the boyfriend? Too bad." Angel comments with a Cheshire cat smile. "Let's make this a little more fun. Willow if you can out run my vampires, I'll let you live. You'll have to get across the park, before they catch you. Otherwise, you're dinner. I'll even give you a two minute head start."
�That�s not Angelus.� Annie commented acidly as they plodded after Willow and the vampires. �He can�t even do evil very well.�
�But he�s got boring as all Heck down to an art form.� The Lovely Beta grimaced. �I said heck. Did you hear that? Heck? Ugh.�
Willow sees the meadow in front of her and she knows that the park ends a couple of hundred yards away from the other side. She turns her head to take a quick look behind and sees the three vampires gaining on her. She screams and spurts forward gaining some distance. But, she doesn't see the depression in the dark and falls, spraining her ankle. Her last thoughts are, < Buffy, where are you. Oh God, I'm going to die, or worse become one of them. > before the world goes dark.
�SHIFT!� The Lovely Beta grabbed Annie and ducked for cover.
The night was quiet as Frank and Steve walked out the door of Steve's new home. Steve had scouted out the area and figured that the most likely spots to find the vampires would be around one of three places, the park, the cemetery and a dance club called "The Bronze". As they walk towards the park, they scan the shadows on the lookout for anything trying to attack them.
As they enter the park, a scream breaks the silence. Frank sees a young girl running from three attackers. Both Frank and Steve run to help. The girl trips on a depression in the ground, and her attackers catch up to her. Frank yells a warning and the three turn to face the intruders, their demonic faces showing.
The Lovely Beta watched the scene unfold with hopeless despair as the Stu and his Lesser Stu companion dispatched the vampires and huddled over Willow. The redhead stammered and batted her eyeslashes, gushing about a sprained ankle and being unable to walk. Motioning to Annie to turn around, she dug into the backpack for the Character Analyzer.
Steve looks over to where Frank is pointing, a group of six more vampires is moving towards them, at a trot.
"Frank, you ready this time."
Frank pulls out two stakes, and smiles his evil smile. "I know what I have to do Steve, don't worry about me. Give the girl your cross, and let's send these bastards back to whatever hell they came from."
Steve hands Willow his cross and a wooden knife. She looks at him with wide eyes, but immediately grabs the cross and knife, holding them with a practiced ease. < She's scared, but she'll fight for her life. Good. >
"Frank, let's take the battle to them. Don't let any of them get past you."
Willow is shocked to see the tall stranger handing her a cross and wooden knife. As he turns around to face the vampires, Willow wonders < Who are these two guys. And how do they know about vampires? > Willow looks at the new group of vampires, the three that were chasing her are not in the group. < What happened to the three that were following me? > Then she remembers the stranger's comment �They went to pieces'. < My God, they killed the three vampires that were chasing me. > Willow looks in wonder as the tall stranger who spoke to her, pulls an incredibly long sword from out of his coat!? < Where did that come from? And why is it glowing blue? > She wonders to herself.
�Gack! Cough! Cough! Not a metaphor at all, no siree. Overcompensating?� The Lovely Beta smiled innocently.
Crossing her arms, Annie�s eyes narrowed angrily, �When did Willow turn into such a useless Bambi? Even Season Two Willow wasn�t this stupid.�
�Not Willow either. See?� The Lovely Beta held out the smoking Character Analyzer. �It sorta fried itself. Overwhelmed by the Stu. And his�umm�big, manly sword.�
�Oh great. Here�s Non-Angelus.�
< Who are these two, and where are the three vampires I sent after Willow? If they ran away from these two mortals, I'll kill them. > "My name is Angelus, and that girl is my dinner. Walk away and you two will live."
"Angel" Willows cries out in fear.
"Ah Willow, Buffy will be very anger when she finds out that I've killed you." Angel smiles and licks his lips.
"Come down here and I'll stab your heart out, Angel." Willow retorts, holding up her knife and cross.
�Stab your heart out?�
Annie groaned, �I told you there wasn�t any decent dialogue for the next two hundred pages.�
"Frank, do you think they know each other?" Steve asks, grinning like a fool. < God, this kid has heart. >
�You are a fool, you�dandy fool.� The Lovely Beta snapped angrily. �How long does swearing restriction last?�
�Shhh. They�ll notice us.�
�Good, then I can kill them both.�
Steve clears his throat and asks, "I know this is a touching reunion, but Angelus, old son, why don't you face me or my partner, instead of a wounded, slip of a girl. Or aren't you man enough?" Steve challenges.
Angelus turns around and sees Steve and Frank standing there.
"How in the hell!!" Angelus exclaims, looking for the five vampires he sent after the two strangers. "Who are you two? No mere mortals could have killed five vampires."
�Dude! That is so not Angelus.� Annie scoffed.
�Did you just say dude?�
�Umm�oops?� Annie smiled weakly and took a seat on one of the benches to watch the rest of the train wreck.
More taunting and bullets flying until the pseudo Angelus fled to lick his wounded pride. Despondently, they trailed after Simpering Willow and her two knights with automatic weapons. The Lovely Beta didn�t dare ask for a model and make rundown after seeing the lethal glint in Annie�s eyes. Pod Willow called her mother from a phone booth with a quarter given to her by St. Wolf.
�What is this guy�s deal?� Annie exploded. �Willow can�t even keep track of her own change? He has to give her a quarter to call home! Of all of the sexist, misogynistic, and completely lame-ass things to do.�
�No arguments from this peanut gallery. Who, by the way, doesn�t think it�s at all fair that you can still say asp and I can�t.�
A few minutes later, a car pulls up to the phone booth. A woman gets out of it. Willow moves toward the car and calls out to her mother. Frank and Steve start to walk away, checking the area. As they're walking away, the car pulls up to them. The woman gets out and approaches the pair. Steve sees Willow sitting in the front seat embarrassed.
"I understand you helped my daughter, Willow, out of the park." The woman asks.
"Yes, ma'am, we found her with a sprained ankle in the middle of the park." Frank tells her.
"I just wanted to say, thank you, for helping her."
�Even Sheila Rosenberg is out of character.� Annie raged ineffectually.
�This guy is one serious Black Hole.�
�Should we put that entire scene down as hurting a canon character so they can be rescued by the original character?�
�Add it to the charge list.� The Lovely Beta paused thoughtfully. �Odd question. The Stus should be able to see us. They know we�re here. Why haven�t they even bothered to look this way?�
�Narrow field of perception.� For the first time since the Middle Earth detour, Annie grinned. �I have a few theories about the nature of Suvian demons, particularly Stus. In real life, men are typically more linearly focused than women. In essence, a Marty Stu is an extreme exaggeration of the stereotypical male characteristics such as limited multi-tasking capabilities and a tendency toward narcissism.�
�So he�s ignoring us?�
�We�re not important to him. If we were to suddenly need help then he would be bound by the parameters of being a Stu to save us. Until something happens that would put him in the role of the Hero, we�re just background noise.�
�You�re saying that if I twisted my ankle, he�d swoop in to save me? But until then, nada.� The Lovely Beta drummed her fingers irritably.
�In a nutshell. Shift!�
A Deserted Factory - The Vampires' Hiding Place
(It Ain't the Ritz Carleton, But the Screams Are Free)
Angelus slams his hand against the wall in frustration. He turns to Spike and Drusilla.
"I can't believe those two strangers killed eight of our brethren tonight." Spike comments, looking at Angelus.
�ACK! Not Spike! Not Spike!� Annie clapped both hands over her ears.
�Did you really expect anyone to be in character?�
�I feel dirty. Can we go back to our nice safe world where Spike is snarky and Willow isn�t stupid?�
�Almost there, hold on.� The Lovely Beta answered dourly, hands itching to go slice and dice on St. Mind-Numbingly Boring.
A familiar twisting of the gut alerted them to yet another temporal-spatial distortion as the factory morphed into the Sunnydale High Library.
�Oblivion is too good for the Wanderverse.� The Lovely Beta growled and dropped onto one of the stairs tiredly. �It should be slowly burned away until there is nothing but a pile of ashes and radioactive rats.�
Annie took a seat next to her. �And cockroaches.�
Mr. Giles, the Librarian, checks his glasses and asks, "Willow would you mind going over what happened last night, again?"
Willow nods and goes over in great detail what happened in the park last night. She also pulls out the cross, wooden knife and the shell casing that came from one the stranger's guns.
Xander picks up the shell casing and whistles.
"Xander do you know what it is?" Mr. Giles asks.
"Yeah, it's a modified .45 Colt Auto. Very NASTY stuff. It also doesn't have any manufacturer's marks, so we can't find out who made it or where it was bought. Without the manufacturer's marks, we can't track the bullets. The only people that would have access to and use this kind of stuff would be special or black operations soldiers."
"Would mind explaining in English what you just said?" Cordelia asks.
�And explain just how the frick Xander knew that?�
�Or don�t. I don�t think I can handle the explanation.� Annie sighed. �Next time, we do this fast. In and out. Kill the Sue or Stu or whatever and that�s it. None of this hanging around and gathering evidence.�
Giles clears his throat and asks, "Xander, would you care to explain, to me, what is a Navy SEAL?"
"Well Giles, imagine a soldier trained to fight on the land, in the air and on and under the sea. They're some of the best of the best, Giles. Trained in weapons, explosives, hand to hand and stealth fighting techniques. These guys have been through some of the toughest training in the world, where eighty to ninety percent of the volunteers washout."
�Giles didn�t know what a Navy SEAL was?� The Lovely Beta stared in disbelief. �Something is seriously wrong with Xander.�
�Infected by a Suvian. Or is it Stuvian?� Annie watched with morbid fascination as Giles continued to feign ignorance despite the painfully obvious fact that he didn�t have a clue why such drivel was coming out of his mouth. The infected Xander, on the other hand, seemed to relish every moment.
Buffy turns to Giles and asks, "Uh, Giles who are these guys?"
A pale, shaken Giles clears his throat, "The British SAS and Royal Marines are the two most elite branches of the military back in England. Also, the units have won international fame for defeating terrorists all around the world. These men are trained to fight and think. I think this answers the question of how they defeated five vampires in less than a minute."
�Why did she even ask him? Xander�s the military brain around here.�
�I still haven�t figured out the part where St. Wolf is a member of every elite fighting force on the planet. Especially the particular combination of British, French, and American.� Annie shrugged and waved at the group absently. �At least Xanders�s being helpful and sort of Xander-ish. Ok. Not at all Xander-ish. He�s completely gone. But he�s gone in a good way, right? I mean, he�s not a simpering moron like Willow.�
�Annie.�
�Fine. Just give me a minute. I want to bask in his non-Zepponess.�
�If you even mention cookie dough.�
Xander considers the matter. "We'll be there first. They'll be late, about ten minutes I think." Xander looks around, seeing the blank stares continues, "They will want to check the area out first, make sure that WE are not trying to trap THEM. These two are real pros. Buffy, these two guys are probably a lot more dangerous than anything you've faced before, even the Order of Teraka."
"These men are more dangerous than the Assassin's Order? I find that hard to believe." Giles answers.
"Giles, the Order has some tough people working for it, I'll give them that. But face facts, they normally go after people who have never fought more that a cold their entire lives. Giles, the order is a bunch of wild dogs that goes after sheep. These two guys we're meeting are more like a pair of alpha class timber wolves."
The sound of the first attendance bell breaks the silence. Giles gets up, "We have a lot to think about, we'll meet back here after school. Go on to class." The meeting breaks up, every body heading to their first period, deep in thought.
Scowling furiously, The Lovely Beta kicked the table in frustrated helplessness. �He upstaged Giles! Giles! Remind me to exorcise him after Wolfy meets his untimely demise.�
�At least he seems to be the only Scooby Stu. So far. Maybe it�s a good thing we waited.� Annie stared down at her feet glumly. �We�re due for another shift so St. Wolf can get his fancy-schmancy bullet-proof car.�
�Golly, no.� Gagging, The Lovely Beta went cross-eyed in a vain attempt to block out the memory of her voice saying the word golly.
As Steve and Frank get into Steve's new car. They find a computer printed instruction manual on the passenger seat. Frank picks it up and starts to read it and whistles.
"Steve, I don't know who wanted this car, but they really got it tricked out. James Bond would've drooled over this thing." Frank grins, then starts to detail the �extras', his friend Paco put in.
"Frank, I have a feeling that we will find out very soon, how well Paco made this car." Steve comments as they pull out into the early afternoon traffic and head back to Sunnydale.
�Again, I�d think the author was channeling Xander Cage except that it�s not a GTO and he wrote this years before Triple X.� The Lovely Beta rubbed her temples as a headache began to set in behind her eyes. �This guy can almost walk on water.�
�Give him another chapter and he�ll be running on it. Like a Jesus lizard.� Annie grabbed onto The Lovely Beta as the scene shifted yet again.
�A what?�
�Central American reptile. Basilisk Lizard or Basiliscus Vittatus, commonly called the Jesus Christ Lizard. Also a Scratch Acid band out of Texas that disbanded in �99.�
�How do you know these things?�
�I don�t get out much.� Annie paled as she noticed their new surroundings.
LAX - The Same Day
(Bull shit - Washington D.C. Style)
Mulder and Scully have just deplaned from their morning flight from Washington D.C.
�Good Lord. Shoot me now.� Annie moaned.
Scully's mind goes back to the night that she and Mulder died at the hands of Immortal madman, named Kale, and how they came back to life as Immortals.
"I�ll see your Good Lurky and raise you a Merciful Zeus.� The Lovely Beta decided not to bother with any of the Analyzers. They�d blown all the fuses anyway. �Hold on. It�s flashback time. You�re gonna want to close your eyes for this one.�
�I�m in pain."
CENTRAL PARK
JUNE 1996
Mulder and Scully were chasing a serial killer wanted in a series of decapitation slayings. They had followed their main suspect, Russell Nash, into the park.
Mulder gets up and clear of the under brush, and shouts, "FBI, freeze, you're both under arrest. Put the weapons down or I will shot you." Scully is standing next to him, holding her gun on the two suspects.
The scarred man and Nash break apart. The scarred man spins around and pulls out a gun and shoots both Mulder and Scully down.
"That was uncalled for, Kale." They heard Nash say as they lay dying.
"I don't care Highlander, I want your head. And those two got in the way." Kale answers.
"Mulder, I'm sorry, I love you." Scully gasps out as she lay dying.
Mulder crawls to where Scully is lying, "Scully, please don't leave me. I love you."
He reaches out to her and with his dying strength, hugs her to him. Then he looks over to where Nash has beaten Kale down and beheads him. Mulder watches as the lightning comes out of Kale's neck and enters the man called Nash. Then, the world goes black.
Mulder awakes with a start. He sees Nash standing over him with a sword. Nash is smiling.
At Nash's home. He tells Mulder and Scully what happened to them. Who and what they are. Nash tells them of the Game, and of his own history.
�They�re married in this gull-forsaken fic and still call each other Mulder and Scully?� The Lovely Beta uncurled from the fetal position as the flashback ended.
�Even his parents called him Mulder. Weren�t you paying attention in the first season?� Annie cracked her knuckles menacingly. �If it makes you feel better, they are completely out of character.�
�Is anyone in character in this piece of sheck?�
�Can�t we do anything about them?�
The Lovely Beta shook her head sadly, �Nope. That�s for the X-Files PPC branch. We�re just here for St. Wolf and the Xander Suvian.�
�It hurts.�
Neither of them bothered to say anything as another temporal-spatial shift roared up around them and sucked them back into Sunnydale High Library.
Buffy stands up from her chair. "Alright guys, have any of you have any ideas what to do about tonight?"
"Giles, guys, I asked Amy to join us." Xander states. "She's running a little late, so can we hold the meeting until she comes in?" Amy walks in as Xander finishes explaining.
Buffy turns to Xander, "Why did you invite her?" Buffy asks.
"Look, I know the type of guys we're dealing with, and I figured we could use a hold card. I explained the situation to her and she agreed to help us." Xander explains.
"What can Amy do to help us against two professional killers?" Willow asks.
"Well, I have read up on some defensive and offensive spells. Xander and I don't think that they will be expecting a magical attack, if they try anything.." Amy speaks up.
Xander clears his throat, "Buffy, we agreed to the meeting. We have to be there. Not all of us, but at least Willow and one, maybe two people."
"Do you have a plan, Xander?" Giles asks.
�Does XANDER have a plan?� The Lovely Beta was too dazed to foam at the mouth.
�I like this Xander. He�s Take Action Guy. Very dreamy.� Staring blankly at the scene, Annie began to sway from side to side like a bug drawn to the lethally pretty glow of a Bug Zapper.
�You and your Xander fetish. Snap out of it!�
"Yeah, here's how it works: Willow, Buffy, Miss Calendar, myself and you, Giles, will meet with these two guys. Cordelia, Amy and Oz will keep an eye on us from a table on the opposite side of the food court. That way, if anything happens, they won't be caught with us, and maybe able to help."
"First thing we do, is Oz and me will check out the area at about five o'clock. Make sure that there is nothing unusual happening. After that, we split up and I go meet Buffy and Willow at the Foot Locker. Oz will meet Cordelia and Amy by the Sach's. Then, we'll go to the food court in stages. First, Giles and Miss Calendar go in at about fifteen minutes to six. About ten minutes later, Cordelia, Amy and Oz, and then about five minutes after that, Buffy, Willow and me will meet with Giles and Miss Calendar. l don't think anything will happen, but this will cover all of the bases
"Xander, that is a well thought out plan." Giles remarks, "Anyone got any comments or additions?"
�Grammar! You idiot! It�s called grammar!� The Lovely Beta seethed.
"Alright, we have our plans set and ready?" Xander asks, "Good, Oz and me will go in his van, we'll park by the Sears. Willow, Amy, Buffy and Cordelia, in her car, park by the Nieman's. Giles and Miss Calendar in hers, park by the Model's."
"Why are we doing this?" Cordelia asks.
"Because this way we have multiple escape roots, if we need them." Amy explains.
�Multiple escape roots? What the hell are those? What�s the square root of escape?� The Lovely Beta crumpled into a despairing heap on the library floor.
�No idea. Where can I get some? They�d be handy with Bessel functions or Hamiltonians.� Adjusting her glasses, Annie began reading off titles from the bookshelf to keep herself occupied.
�Xander, when did you become Patton? That plan you worked up, knowing what that shell casing was, and knowing about the kind of guys we're dealing with. How did you know all that?"
�See! He knows something�s wrong.� The Lovely Beta crowed happily. �I knew I liked Oz.�
"Remember last Halloween, when everything went freaky, kids becoming their costumes?" Oz nods, remembering. "Well, my costume was a soldier, and I became one. But, after the spell wore off, I still remembered everything. Later on, I went back to the Army surplus store and asked the owner about who the uniform used to belong to. He told me it used to belong to a guy who was a Green Beret. I think that I may have his memories and experiences."
�Guck, I hate that fanon bunny.�
�Is that an official bunny?� Annie glanced up from a dog-eared copy of Encyclopedia Daemonica.
�Should be. With camouflage fur and a little black belt tucked around its squishy middle.�
"Cool," Oz replies, as he parks his van in front of the Sears.
As Oz and Xander check out the food court, Buffy, Willow, Amy and Cordelia split up and head to their individual meetings.
"Willow, do you believe how Xander is acting." Buffy asks.
�NO!� Both Annie and The Lovely Beta shouted helplessly.
They watched as the Scooby Gang took their positions and located the rest of the players. Stu St. Wolf and his fellow nightmares named Frank, Mulder, and Scully were having some sort of weighty and dramatic conversation when Buffy suddenly doubled over in pain.
The Lovely Beta smiled happily. �This is what we�ve been waiting for.�
�Buffy are you all right?" A worried Giles asks.
"I've got this incredible �Buzz' in my head and it won't stop. What's wrong with me?" Buffy gasps.
�Which Buzz would that be? Aldrin or Lightyear?�
�Might have to give him that one. There�s a bit of controversy over the proper noun status of the �buzz�.�
�Damp.�
�And here comes our hero.� Annie resisted the urge to knock a food tray in the general direction as Steve hurried over to minister to the ailing Slayer.
"Look, let's get this straight. We are not here to hurt any of you. We arranged this meeting to get some matters cleared up. Fair enough. But, I have to tell something to the girl here." Steve points to the blond, "and I can't share it with anyone else. When this meeting is over, the two of us will go to another table and talk. We will not leave any one's sight and neither I, nor any of my associates will force her to come with us. Does that clear matters up." Steve can see looks of relief on Willow and her friends.
"Alright, everybody calm? Good, allow me to make the introductions on my side. My name is Steven St. Wolf, though I use the name Wanderer sometimes. The man on my right is Frank Iverson, the man on my left is Fox Mulder, please refer to him as Mulder, the lady is Dana Scully. Willow would you make the introductions for your side, please." Steve asks.
�Wanderer? What kind of name is that? No taste, no class, just useless angsty melodrama.� The Lovely Beta toyed with a large cup of Diet Coke, eyeing St. Wolf�s perfect clothing with speculative distaste.
�Could have been worse. I mean, named after a Dion song? Could�ve been Runaround Stu.�
"Now the question I wanted answered, which Willow wouldn't at that time is, are there more of them than the eight Frank and I killed last night and the five I took care of Tuesday and Wednesday?"
Willow and her friends exchange looks, they can't believe what they just heard. The girl, Buffy looks at Steve.
"I want to know something. Why do you want to know if there are more vampires out there?" Buffy asks.
"Good question, here's a good answer. The woman that I loved was brutally raped and murdered. The people who did that to her have paid for their crimes, but there are more monsters out there. I have spent the last four years of my life hunting down and killing those monsters, human and demonic alike, all over the world. Whether they're human serial killers or demons from the pits of Hell, they all share the same common trait: They hurt innocent people. And, I can't sit idly by watch it happen. So, while they're out there hunting normal people, I, and a few friends, hunt them."
�And to that bit of fuzzy logic and unnecessary exposition of back story, I have a resounding what the frick?� The Lovely Beta discarded the cup of Diet Coke and went hunting for a ketchup bottle.
�Good answer? You call that a good answer? That�s a lousy answer.�
�I�m going to sit this next bit of absolu-fluking-lutely nothing out.� The Lovely Beta kicked a chair into the corner and silently dared anyone to even look at her sideways.
More endless, useless chatter. They were bored out of their minds by the time the group began to break up and Steven managed to get Buffy away for a semi-private conversation.
Buffy nods. The three of them walk over to the table in question and sit down.
"Okay, Buffy, what I have to tell you may sound crazy and shock you, but after our recent discussion, I don't think it will."
"Alright shock me," Buffy comments smiling < Can't get any crazier than that discussion, can it? >
"Very well then, I'll be blunt about it. Buffy, you're an Immortal." Steve tells her.
�What was that?� The Lovely Beta glanced around nervously as the sound of
thunder ricocheted around the food court.
�Sonic boom. All remaining vestiges of canon escaping faster than the speed of sound.� Annie announced gravely.
�Not bloody fast enough. Hey! I can say bloody!"
�Look out!� Annie ducked as a horde of flashbacks came tearing into existence, the universe around them howling against the assault.
Grumpily, The Lovely Beta stomped out of the filthy alleyway they had landed in, squinting at the familiar shape of the Eiffel Tower in the distance. �Son of a birch.�
�We have a few hours to kill while he�s being all noble and saving children, princesses, and baby dragons.�
�How do you keep a straight face?�
�No sense of humor to speak of.� Annie winked.
They wandered the streets of Paris, occasionally checking in on St. Wolf to make sure he was still doing his bit for king and country. The highlight of the occasion was laughing maniacally as he and the other Immortal named Frank got into a pissing contest over their past military experience.
�I was a Navy Seal for seven years.� The Lovely Beta puffed up her chest importantly.
�Well, I was a Special Forces Pathfinder slash Sniper for seven years.� Annie countered pompously, strutting down the street like a peacock.
�Well, I saved a whole busload of nuns today.�
�I rescued a beautiful princess who swooned at my feet and then I nobly vowed to protect all dragons from the greed of mankind by taking the secret of their valley home to the grave.� Annie brandished a make-believe sword with a flourish. �And I got this sword. It�s magical and glows blue when evil�s afoot. Which is pretty much wherever I go. I�m an evil magnet.�
�But I have my own airplane travel service and I�m worth more than you are. You are worth a measly sixty million dollars.� The Lovely Beta preened haughtily. �Top that!�
Wiping tears of laughter from her eyes, Annie checked in on the Stu one last time. �Flashbacks are almost done. Can you believe all of this bullshit is just the first part?�
�How many parts are there?�
�Dozens and dozens and six boxes full of dragon manure. We've only seen about three percent of the Wanderverse. Maybe less.�
�Such a shame to cut his head off and end it all.� The Lovely Beta grinned maliciously. �Or not.�
�Sunnydale, here we come. Let�s finish this. Last shift coming up, it�s gonna be a bitch.�
Annie pulled a face as the world spun, depositing them outside the spacious St. Wolf residence. The Lovely Beta landed ungracefully in the bushes, cursing a creative blue streak as she untangled herself.
�Do you people ever get used to that?� Annie asked through clenched teeth.
�It�s just a jump to the left and then a step to the right, put your hands on your hips.�
�Forget I asked.�
�Buck up, doll face. We�re almost there.� The Lovely Beta rubbed her hands together in gleeful anticipation. �Come here, little Stu. Come to mama.�
They had to wait through one last agonizing conversation with Non-Mulder, Non-Scully, Frank the Navy Seal Stu, and St. Wolf. Another appearance by Ted the Moron Pizza Guy who contritely requested firearm lessons from the ever-knowledgeable Stu. Last but not least, an inane vampire attack and a guest appearance by the epitome of incompetence themselves, the Sunnydale police department.
Once everyone had left, The Lovely Beta and Annie snuck around the house in search of an open window.
�Right. He�s alone now. Let�s do this before it gets any worse.� The Lovely Beta whispered.
�You mean before Joyce decides a thirty-eight year old man is boyfriend material for seventeen year old Buffy and sets them up on a date?� Annie grinned wickedly.
�WHAT!�
�And before he and Buffy fall madly in love? Didn�t you read the whole thing?�
�The whole frucking ten thousand pages of unadulterated schlock? I most certainly did not.� The Lovely Beta shuddered at the thought. �Here�s the plan. We lure him out into the open.�
�That�s easy, he�s paranoid and has a God Complex. And he�s a Stu, so he has to save us.� Annie nodded in agreement. �We just make some noise and he�ll investigate. What about us?�
�Wait until you see the whites of his eyes and then run like heck.�
With a brisk nod, they shook hands solemnly and took their positions outside the open bedroom window. On a silent count of three, Annie let loose a scream that would have petrified a banshee while The Lovely Beta plucked the lids off of two convenient aluminum garbage cans and banged them together with a vengeance.
Steven St. Wolf came rushing to the rescue with gun and sword in hand. �Who�s there? Show yourself!�
�Help! Please help!� Working on her best damsel in distress imitation, Annie took off down the street toward the park with The Lovely Beta and Steven St. Wolf in hot pursuit.
�Steven St. Wolf!� The Lovely Beta hollered at the top of her lungs. �You are charged with the following: causing personality alterations and character ruptures of nearly every canon character in this piece of sheik and breaking up a canon romance in favor of yourself. I don�t care if Angel doesn�t have a soul at the moment, you can�t pretend Buffy doesn�t love him in Season Two. Causing a character to act like a lovestruck fool, see Buffy and Joyce Summers. You are charged with stealing lines from a dang good movie and using them badly.�
�Who are you?� Steven St. Wolf shouted back at her. �Get inside! This is no place for a child!�
�You are charged with deletion and overriding of canon, including but not exclusive to the near annihilation of Middle Earth. Do you even know the filping definition of canon? You are charged with creating gratuitous amounts of temporal-spatial distortions, tense and POV shifts. Causing events to eventuate solely for the benefit of yourself and your oversized ego!� The Lovely Beta managed to keep up with him as he raced after Annie, through an empty parking lot and into another street. �You are charged with the use of bad biology and bad physics.�
�Complete lack of physics!� Annie shrieked as she darted around a set of garbage cans.
�I�m trying to help you!� He called after her.
�Use of bad plot devices including but not limited to magical swords and Marty Stu powers. You are charged with excessive mangling of the English language! Don�t even get me started on the question marks.�
�You are charged with having a stupid name!� Annie shouted over her shoulder as she dashed across a well-kept lawn and up the front steps of a church. �And causing canon characters to display extreme stupidity. Notably, Willow Rosenberg, Rupert Giles, and Buffy Summers!�
�Last but not least, you are charged with pissing the hello out of a PPC agent. Namely me! And I�m on swearing restriction thanks to you!� The Lovely Beta circled around to the right and followed St. Wolf into the church. �What are you doing, Annie?�
�It�s holy ground!� Frantically, Annie evaded St. Wolf�s grasp and disappeared between two of the bench rows.
�What does that have to do with anything?� The Lovely Beta cringed as she watched Annie spring up from her hiding place and swat St. Wolf in the face with a hymnal. Sprawled out over the cold stone floor, he stared up at the petite woman in disbelief. �Get his sword!�
Annie stomped down on St. Wolf�s wrist and kicked the sword out of reach. �Okay! Beta! Beta! Hurry! He�s getting up!� The level of panic in the girl�s voice increased as St. Wolf rolled onto his side and reached for his weapon, the gun in his other hand trained on The Lovely Beta.
�I will not fight you!� Steven St. Wolf shouted in his grating monotone. �Who are you and what do you want?�
�Do something!� The Lovely Beta bellowed. Almost there, almost there.
�Like what?� Annie squeaked nervously. �This is your part. You�re supposed to take care of him.�
�You play soccer! Pretend he�s the frilling ball!�
�You promised I wouldn�t have to hurt anyone!� Annie took two steps forward, arms coming up gracefully a moment before her foot connected with St. Wolf�s face. He howled in pain and collapsed back onto the ground, dropping the gun as he covered his face with both hands. Annie looked horrified and fluttered over him worriedly. �Are you alright? Beta! I think I broke his nose!�
�Good for you!� The sword was cold in The Lovely Beta's hand as she scooped it up from the floor and closed the gap between them. Glowing blue metal sparkled as it arced through the air and sliced cleanly through the neck of Steven St. Wolf.
Woosh. Creak. The universe began to claw its way back into place.
For several minutes they stared down at the lifeless, bloodless body before The Lovely Beta pulled out a plastic grocery sack and collected the head.
�No quickening.� Annie blinked dazedly at the headless corpse. "Don't know why I'm surprised."
"Backpack?" The Lovely Beta turned Annie around and retrieved the hand held flame thrower. Whistling cheerfully, she torched the Stu's body and took enormous pleasure in smashing the bones as she cleaned up the remaining pile of ashes.
"Now what?" Pulling a face at the bag of remains, Annie held it at arm's length. "Do we just dump it in the nearest dumpster?"
"Yup. Wouldn't want to sully such a nice church, would we?" There was a new bounce in The Lovely Beta's step as they left the quaint chapel behind.
�We still need to exorcise a Suvian and put a call in to the Highlander and X-Files divisions. Then it�s back to sanity for us. Good form on that instep drive, by the way.�
�Thanks. I�ve been practicing.�
�It shows.� The Lovely Beta took a deep breath. �And what�s the deal with holy ground?�
�It�s a rule. Immortals don�t fight on holy ground.� Annie shrugged. �Doesn�t mean you can�t chop his head off if he�s stupid enough to sit there. You�re not an Immortal so you�re not bound by the Game.�
The Lovely Beta stared in disbelief, �What if I was? What would have happened?�
�Earthquakes, volcanoes, or nothing at all. It was an acceptable risk. I wasn�t sure it would even work after he did all that fighting in the cemetery without breaking a sweat. But churches are a bit more on the Holy side than a Sunnydale graveyard and even an out of character Duncan would have taught him that it's bad taste to fight in a church.� Sighing tiredly, Annie shoved her hands deeper into her pockets as she trudged down the sidewalk. �Besides, we�re in the Buffyverse so there�s no official policy for beheading Immortals on any type of ground. Ergo, I figured that the Rules of the Game don�t actually apply here.�
�Right.� More than a little unsettled by the uncharacteristic display of calculated rule breaking, The Lovely Beta watched Annie warily for a moment. �Library?�
Annie nodded and turned toward the high school. �This is your first assignment, huh?�
�Exciting, isn�t it?�
�Not the word I would choose, no.�
�It has been a long day. But most fics are much smaller and not nearly as boring.� The Lovely Beta assured her. �Not to the point of committing Hari-Kari boring which is what this pile of ship was.�
�Really?�
�And it�s almost over. High school, Library. Get back the Xander we know and love and then home to our own beds.�
�Xander.� Annie repeated blankly.
�Who�s been possessed by an evil Suvian demon. Remember?�
�Will the others be better now? Willow and Buffy?�
�Should be. It might take them a bit to recover but they�ll be fine.� The Lovely Beta adjusted her grip on the sack with the head and maneuvered Annie down the sidewalk to the front doors of Sunnydale High. �Here we go, almost done.�
They found the Scooby Gang in the library staring into space as they tried to sort out the bizarre Stu-induced memories.
Setting the head gently on the floor, The Lovely Beta reached into her backpack and pulled out a �Once More With Feeling� shooting script and the TV series� logo. Waving them in the general direction of Xander, she recited the Short-Form Jossverse PPC Prayer of Exorcism: �In the name of Joss, I command thee, out, foul fiends, OUT!�
The familiar wisps of a Suvian demon began to leak out of Xander�s ears. With gusto, The Lovely Beta attacked the foggy demon, slicing the script through it as she continued to yell.
�Begone, vile spawn of an evil imagination! Begone, in canon�s name! Begone in the name of Joss!�
As the screeching of the dying Suvian faded into the silence, The Lovely Beta wiped her forehead and tucked the script back into her backpack.
�Who are you?� Buffy blinked at them in confusion. �You look familiar.�
�Students.� The Lovely Beta smiled quickly and picked up the Bag O�Head as nonchalantly as possible. �Looking for books. We found them, no need to get up. Go about your business.�
She grabbed Annie�s arm and hauled her out of the library before anyone else could ask questions. Once around the corner, she pulled the Portal Generator from the backpack and shoved it into Annie�s arms. �I am so ready to go home.�
�There aren�t words.� Annie agreed heartily as she punched in the coordinates.
The comfort of a peaceful basement office enveloped them and The Lovely Beta wrapped both arms tightly around her stereo, kissing the speakers and control buttons. �Thank Gosh! I can listen to real music again.�
�Ugh.� Annie rubbed her eyes tiredly.
�Still think there�s a nicer way to deal with badfic?� The Lovely Beta smiled as she began unpacking the backpack. �You could have talked to the Stu and told him he was damaging the fabric of Buffyverse reality, that he was disrespecting everything Joss and Co. had slaved over. That he was tarnishing good characters by the dozen and creating plot holes large enough to swallow the Death Star. Nearly destroying the Tolkien universe. I�m sure he would have listened.�
�And he would have run me through with his glowy enchanted sword.� Annie finished sourly.
�You have to admit. We made a pretty good team.�
�I guess so. I�m going to sleep for a week.�
�It�s just a jump to your left,� The Lovely Beta watched the emotions play across Annie�s face before the brunette rolled her eyes indulgently.
�And then a step to the right.�
The End
Yup. That's only about 3% of the Wanderverse. The rest of its plentiful Suvian population is up for grabs. Ain't nothing getting me back into that universe. I think Annie's scarred for life.
