After seven hours, The Lovely Beta decided that blinking helped about as much as a sand blaster to the face. Two boxes down and five more to go. Stiff-legged and aching, she zombie walked over to the coffee maker and stared blankly at the buttons.
�Damn technology. Why can�t I just tell it to give me coffee?�
�It�s only a machine, Beta.� Annie rubbed her eyes tiredly. �It�s really too bad we can�t nip this thing in the bud but there might be a second best solution.�
�Hallelujah and a cherry on top.�
�He doesn�t actually start screwing over the Buffyverse until it gets going and this particular installment only has Highlander and The X-Files thrown into the mix.� She shuddered and pushed the papers away. �We need to work on your Highlander.�
�There can be only one.� The Lovely Beta jabbed at the coffee maker maniacally. �One, I tell you!�
�Fortunately for you,� Annie rolled her eyes, her voice patient as she tried to explain. �He�s taken the basics of the mythology and doesn�t go into the details. As far as canon goes, it�s canon, what canon? Sadly, it doesn�t really matter that you don�t know Duncan from Methos.�
�Thank God.�
�But you should know the difference anyway. And Methos is right up your alley. Complex, intelligent, rode as one of Four Horsemen for a bit. You�d get along.� Annie chastised with a mischievous grin. �According to the notes, he�s inserted his Stu into the episode gap in Season Six between Two of Hearts and Indiscreations. I think. February and March 1998 is the given dates of this disaster. But he has Tessa around and she died in the second season. I don�t think he even tried to explain at all. Expect turbulence and plot holes all over the place.�
�Why am I not surprised?� Breathing in the scent of brewing coffee, The Lovely Beta resumed the research position. �What about X-Files?�
�Ugly. Beyond ugly.� Annie pulled out a flow chart, chewing on her pencil as she connected the data points. �Supposedly we�re in Season Five of X-Files around Patient X and The Red and The Black. I really can�t look at the dates too closely without getting a migraine.�
�Canon, what canon?�
�You have no idea. He made Mulder and Scully immortals, which seems to be his modus operandi with characters he likes.� With a disgusted shudder, Annie held up a sheet of the Wanderverse and jabbed at it angrily. �Guess who finds them and helps them?�
�Martha Stewart?�
�Russell Nash. Also known as Connor MacLeod circa 1986.� The pencil struck hard enough to pierce through the page. �He put Mulder and Scully in New York chasing Nash as a suspected serial killer in June of 1996. How is that supposed to work? Even if you could move the plot from the first Highlander movie up ten years, they were nowhere near New York City. They were up to their eyeballs in the Everything Dies mythology arc. He�s got timelines skewed all over the place. And every single time he mentions Mulder and Scully, they�re chasing a serial killer. Are we supposed to ignore the fact that serials are statistically rare and that they spent most of nine seasons looking for monsters, aliens, and government conspiracies, not serial killers?�
The Lovely Beta winced under the torrent of Annie�s ranting, �A big amen from me.�
�How does he justify this?� Annie threw her hands up in despair. �The numbers don�t add up no matter how you stack them. How are we supposed to fix this mess? We�re going to be bailing the Titanic with a teaspoon.�
�We get to kill the bad, evil Marty Stu. That�s something.�
�Easy for you to say.� Annie threw her pencil across the room, rolling her eyes when it flew wide and missed The Lovely Beta by several feet. �What am I supposed to do? Derive him to death? Hit him
with a Legrangian?�
�I�ll take care of that part.� The Lovely Beta grinned evilly. �But you should have a weapon just in case. What can you use?�
�That�s what I�m trying to tell you. Combat training is not part of being a physicist.�
�A stake? Nice, simple, easy. Just for emergencies. We are going to Sunnydale.�
Annie sighed, adjusting her glasses as she unburied her legs from the scattered piles of fic. �Just promise me I won�t have to hurt anyone.�
�Kinda the point. Death, destruction, mayhem. All good things.�
�Promise?�
�I solemnly swear that I will do all the killing.�
�Good.� Annie stifled a yawn as she turned back to her charts. �I�ve identified the worst parts of the Wanderverse and you�re not going to like it.�
�Bad. Very bad. I can tell already.�
�He�s actually stayed closer to the timeline in the Buffyverse. Angel�s lost his soul, the Judge is in itty-bitty pieces, and Jenny Calendar is still alive. That puts us between Innocence and Passion. And he�s got more than one original character, in fact, he�s got an entire legion.�
�Damn.�
�Most of them are incidentals. Pizza boys, people for the Stu to save, that kind of thing. But I have a hunch that there�s more than one Stu in this gobble-de-guk.� She passed the flow chart across the room. �And once we�re in, we won�t be able to jump around within the fic.�
�Why not?� Alarmed, The Lovely Beta grabbed the flow chart and tried to make heads or tails of the markings.
�Too many temporal-spatial shifts too close together. We�re talking several thousand miles and three days kind of jumps all over the place. And you don�t want to fall into a plot hole in this thing because there is no way to predict where you�d come out.�
�Sweet Jesus. We have to watch the whole shit parade?�
�From the beginning.�
�You�re kidding, right?�
�Wish I was.� Annie picked up the Portal Generator nervously. �If I screw up, we could end up anywhere in Wanderverse and that does not give me a happy. Ready to give it a go?�
�Been ready for an hour.� The Lovely Beta grimly shouldered a brightly marked backpack.
�Don�t bother bringing the Canon Analyzer, we�ll just have to send it in for repairs if we try to use it.�
Anxious to get on with the killing of bad, evil things, The Lovely Beta warmed up with a few jabs to the air and mimed a pistol shot at the wall. �Time to lock and load.�
�Have you been watching Aliens again?� Annie eyed her suspiciously as she entered the coordinates for Hellmouth: New Beginnings, Part 1 into the Portal Generator.
The two agents grimaced as sunlight exploded around them. Sunlight and humidity. Pulling a rather unsightly face, The Lovely Beta glanced down to discover that her chosen disguise hadn�t been coded correctly and she was wearing a pair of acid washed jeans tight enough to cut the circulation off at her ankles. Reaching for her hair, she was horrified to find that her normally vibrant purple was now bone blonde and sticking out in a gruesome side ponytail. A horde of neon bracelets clattered together over the ripped netting stockings on her arms.
�Welcome to 1983.� Annie was trying not to laugh.
�I�m a fricking Madonna groupie!� The Lovely Beta scowled down at the rolled tube socks sticking out from her ankles like molded donuts.
�At least you�re not a repressed Catholic whale.� Annie waved to her plaid skirt and white blouse, both straining at the seams with the generous addition of a few pounds.
�How the hell are we supposed to blend in?�
�Looks like it�s working so far.�
A loud, ominous voice boomed from the sky.
Title: The Chronicles of Wanderer - Hellmouth - New Beginnings
Summary: An Immortal Demon Hunter comes to Sunnydale and teams up with Buffy to hunt down Angelus, Spike and Drusila.
�Mini-troll number one.� Annie whipped out a notebook and jotted it down.
Author's Note's: When I started to write this story I decided to change some things concerning the characters.
X-Files Mulder and Scully are married and Immortal - So Non-Relationshippers beware.
Highlander: Richie Ryan shouldn't have died in the end of the fifth season. So here he hasn't.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Nothing really.
�Nothing really?� The Lovely Beta nearly choked, covering her ears to block out the grating of the author�s voice.
�And yet you can listen to Metallica all day long.� Annie sighed and pointed to the intersection.
�There�s our Stu. At the light.�
His name is Steven St. Wolf, the Wanderer, he is Immortal. This is his story:
On a late August day in 1983, Steve St. Wolf was quietly cursing the length of time the light in front of him was taking to change. < Fuck, it would be the two minute light I get stuck at. > He thinks to himself. As he waits for the light to change, he watches the kids play in the school yard next to the light and thinks about Kathy, his dead wife and the life they could have had.
Just as the light was changing, He hears a car door slam shut and notices a tall man with a maniacal gleam in his eyes get out of a car, carrying an AK-47.
As he pointed the AK-47 at the kids in the school yard, Steve knew he had to do something. And as luck would have it, he did the stupidest (luckiest?) thing he could think of.
�We don�t give a fuck.�
�Watch your mouth, Beta. Kids! And how did the guy get an AK-47 in the first place?� Annie frowned thoughtfully, the tip of her pencil tapping against the notebook.
�Without the ATF doing a red tape enema on his ass? It�s called the black market, honey. They didn�t ban the AKs until �94, right? This is still 1983.�
Scratching at the straining seams of her blouse, Annie sighed irritably. �Automatic weapons were never street legal or considered an acceptable fashion accessory. And why do they always choose the AKs? Why not a Striker-12 or a TEC-9? It�s annoying. He probably chose it because it�s pretty.�
The Lovely Beta raised an eyebrow. �It�s pretty?�
< Shit that bastard's about to shoot those kids. > He thinks to himself as he guns his Harley Soft Tail and aims it straight at the bastard with the AK-47, screaming at the top of his lungs. The son of a bitch turns and sees Steve coming straight at him. Instead of trying to get out of the way, he aims the rifle at Steve and fires.
�Do you have any idea how many decibels a Harley rates?� Annie scribbled furiously, glancing up occasionally to watch the scene unfold. �And is he talking about the Softail series with only one t or just soft tail motorcycles in general? Cause all that means is that his ass isn�t as sore.�
�Rear suspension?� The Lovely Beta craned her neck to get a better look at the motorcycle.
�Yeah. If he was a real bad-ass, he�d have a hardtail.�
�You�re a strange little woman.� She winced as the bullets started hitting their target and took a step back. Even knowing that they couldn�t be seen didn�t make her any less worried about a stray chunk of lead screaming in their direction.
Steve feels the pain of the bullets as they strike him. His final thoughts are, < Can I take this bastard down with me and save those kids? > The world was going black, but he feels a soft thud and hopes that he hit the bastard hard enough to kill him.
�Hold on. Paramedics appearing out of starboard nowhere.� The Lovely Beta reached out to grab onto Annie�s shoulder. No sense risking separation by plot hole.
As Steve�s lying in the worst pain of his life, He opens his eyes and sees that he�s in an ambulance and a paramedic is working on him. �Are the kids all right?� He asks.
�Sounds like we have an omniscient, omnipresent narrator � is that against the rules?� Annie squinted up into the sky as though expecting to see the narrator behind a glass booth with a headset and microphone.
�Nah, just tacky.�
"Yeah, they're alright. None were hurt, thanks to you." He says. Steve sees that his name is Jackson.
�Why not Bob?� The Lovely Beta rolled her eyes and decided to inspect her nail polish rather than watch the melodrama. �Maybe he was born in Wyoming.�
�Shh. I�m trying to listen.�
�To this drivel?�
"So, how bad is it?"
"You're going to make it" Jackson replies
"You're lying to me, I know I'm dying, please don't lie."
"We're doing our best. We'll get you to the trauma unit in a couple of minutes. Just hold on!!" Jackson tells Steve.
"I'm dying, I know that, just one thing, did I kill that bastard with the AK?"
"Yeah, he was dead at the scene. You saved those kids." Jackson replies.
"Good" Then, Steve closes his eyes and let's the world slip away. His last thoughts are for his wife Kathy. < Kathy, I'll be with you soon. >
�Let�s sing, let�s dance, let�s the world slip away. Write that down. I like the sound of it.� The Lovely Beta waved one tinkling arm at the notebook. �Let�s go watch the bastard die.�
�I feel sorry for the EMT.� Annie watched Jackson sadly as he rushed into the hospital.
They listened quietly as the doctor explained that the bullets had shredded the heart and lungs and that there was no way to save the heroic Good Samaritan.
�But apparently they didn�t do enough damage to keep him from talking. Pity. How did he manage to stay alive even that long with all that damage?� The Lovely Beta cackled gleefully. �Use of bad biology, methinks.�
�POV shift in one point two.� Annie braced herself as the world spun. �And two temporal-spatial shifts.�
Steve wakes up in the hospital morgue. His only thought is to get out of the morgue and the hospital.
Steve doesn't know how he got out, just that he did. Somehow, he makes it back to his apartment. The trip between the hospital and his apartment is a blur. He pulls off his clothes and looks at them. They were red with his own blood.
Steve turns on the news, and the top story of the night is the attempted mass murder at the school yard. The reporter is going on about how a brave Samaritan had given his life to save the children. Then the reporter comments on several bills before the State House calling for tighter gun controls. < God, how I hate those gun-control nuts. If I had been carrying my 45, that bastard would've been dead from a bullet and not my bike. > Steve thinks to himself.
�Why wasn�t he packing if he�s so gun happy? Never heard of a concealed carry permit?� Annie reached out to steady herself against the wall. �I�m still wondering how the bike killed that guy.�
�Ran over his head, I guess.� Feeling a little queasy from the shift, The Lovely Beta sat down uneasily and tried to be inconspicuous.
�We should test that. Borrow the bike and run a few of these side characters over to see how it works. The research gods demand impeccable work.�
�All hail the research gods.�
�Oh, here comes the back story.� Annie slipped her pencil behind one ear and turned her attention to the Stu.
Then, Steve begins to think, < Why am I still alive? > he looks at his shirt < And not filled with bullet holes? >. Steve knows that he can't stay here now. He has to leave. The ink on his fingers tells him that the police have probably already found out that he was wanted in Texas for killing the bastards that had raped his wife and then brutally murdered her. And they'll be coming to this apartment soon.
He grabs some clothes, his second fake ID and Colt Auto with a dozen magazines and all of the cash he has in the apartment < Good thing I don't trust banks < G > >.
Steve thinks to himself. < I have another bike in the garage, my dirt bike. While it's not strictly street legal, it will get me out of town. Besides it's registered to my second fake ID and I will have to start over somewhere else under that identity and I'll need transportation. >
�I�m having flashbacks from Triple X. Shoot me if he shaves his head and gets a few tattoos.� The Lovely Beta winced at the mental.
�Hey! No mocking of the Vin or no helping from moi.�
�Here comes another one.�
The apartment dissolved an instant later and they found themselves in the police station. No longer supported by the sofa she had been perched on, The Lovely Beta crashed to the floor with a thud and barely managed to avoid knocking over a fax machine.
�What the?�
�Shh.� Annie glared and held out a hand to help her up.
Dearborn police * detective Jason Russell has just come in and is quietly reading the Detroit Free Press when his partner, Adam Cole walks up to him and tells him. "The LT wants to see us, pronto."
"What about?"
"The guy who saved those kids. His body's disappeared from the morgue. Plus there's a, get this, real Texas Ranger on the phone, asking questions about our dead man."
�Opposed to a fake Texas Ranger. Like a Dude Ranch isn�t a real ranch. A Dude Ranger.� Still recovering from sheer mortification, The Lovely Beta smoothed her spiky ponytail nervously and returned to making snide remarks.
�You�re missing the plot.�
�There�s a plot?�
�Will you pay attention?� Annie took a seat when one of the cops vacated his desk. �This is the funny part.�
"Well Ranger Walker," Det. Russell begins, "He was using the name Anthony Banks, while he lived up here. He worked a steady job and basically kept his nose clean. The only thing we could find on him was that he once stopped a mugger who was trying to rob an old woman. May I ask what the State of Texas wants with this man?"
"The man you knew as Anthony Banks was wanted for six counts of first degree murder."
The three Dearborn detectives look at each other and wonder. Lt. Jackson asks. "Why'd he do it?"
They can hear Walker sigh over the phone, as he tells them. "The six men he killed, gang raped and murdered his wife. He let us have them, but a crooked court clerk screwed up the case and they walked. Jamieson killed them a week after they walked out of court laughing and making jokes about her �skills'."
The detectives look at each other, knowing the pain and grief such a situation could cause. "How'd he do it?" Det. Cole asks.
"He walked into the bar where they were hanging out and calmly shot each man in the head twice. Then he apologized to the bar tender and walked out. We never found him after that."
�Six men. Two shots each. 12 bullets. What gun was he using?� The Lovely Beta scratched her head, her nose crinkling as her fingers came away caked with gel and hairspray.
�No weapon is credited but he�s favoring the Colt .45 so far. He�s going to go military, probably the M1911A. Of course, most of the military switched over to 9mm: Berettas, Sauers, the H&K P9S. Maybe he�s nostalgic.� Annie frowned and buried her nose in the notebook as she continued to scribble calculations. �Regardless of which model of Colt he had, that�s only seven or eight shots before reload. Hmm. Maybe ten seconds total, twenty if he was slow. It�s doable.�
�Without anyone running away from the time he started shooting to when he stopped?� The Lovely Beta raised an eyebrow speculatively.
�They were bragging about it, hence, they�re stupid. Maybe they didn�t bother to run. And it doesn�t say where in the head, just that he shot them twice in the head. He could have shot them in the back of the head as they ran.�
�Why do I get the feeling they didn�t run?�
�Stu-logic. Now shut up, Ranger Walker is talking.�
�You�re one sick puppy.�
�Just because you have something against Chuck Norris.� Annie groaned irritably as the office began to blur and spin. �Not again!�
Steve had been traveling for three days, keeping off the main roads and just generally taking his own sweet time.
While riding the back roads, he spotted and stopped at this road house, in Montana, to get himself a beer, relax for an hour or two and get out of the mid day heat. He was minding his own business at the bar, passing the time, talking the bartender, a guy named Jake, asking him about the weird Y shaped tattoo on his wrist, when he feels a pain in the pit of his stomach that wouldn't let up.
�Ugh. Tense shifting.� The Lovely Beta scowled through the smoky bar. �Hey! No more Madonna!� She waved to the dark blue jeans and cowboy boots.
�Not much of an improvement.� Annie had turned a lovely shade of green that matched the mint colored embroidery of her new shirt. �That has to violate the laws of physics. At the very least, it�s some sort of pseudo-relativity without approaching the speed of light. I�m too afraid to even look at the math.�
�Don�t look now. Two rapid fire POV shifts in three, two, one.�
A whir and a twist that gave Space Mountain a run for its money dumped them on the side of the bar in a pile of beer bottles and rubbish. Behind them, the Stu and a stranger were having the equivalent of a rich and detailed conversation.
"I'm feeling much better now, thanks, I think I'll head back into the bar." Steve tells him.
"You must be new to the Game, too bad." The stranger replies.
< The game? What the hell is he talking about? > Steve then sees the sword < Where did THAT come from? >.
"Hey dude, I don't want any trouble" Steve tells him.
"Too bad, you die tonight! There can only be ONE!!" He says.
�Really. Just one? Cause I'm damn well seeing more than one.� The Lovely Beta hissed at the characters, annoyed by the fact that she was reduced to hiding behind piles of garbage and wearing cowboy boots.
�It�s the whole Gathering thing, Beta. After they duke it out down to the last two Immortals, only one can walk away.� Annie whispered as she pulled further into the shadows. �Are you sure they can�t see us?�
Ignoring the last question, The Lovely Beta continued to rant softly, �Good God. Why can�t they kill each other and then there were none?�
< I am NOT going to take this shit from anybody!! > Steve thinks to himself as he pulls out his 45 and shots the bastard in the knee. He falls down screaming, the sword still in his hand.
"Who are you?!" Steve yells at him.
"My name is Richard Markham, and I will kill you for this. Maybe not now, but someday I will kill you." Markham answers.
"The Fuck you will!!" Steve counters, shooting him between the eyes and in the heart. Steve then takes his sword, a beautiful civil war era saber.
"Dumb Fuck, wasn't he? Bringing a knife to a gun fight." Steve turns around and sees Jake standing there with a 12-gauge pump shotgun, pointed at him.
�Blatant line stealing from a damn good movie because he can�t come up with anything bad-ass on his own!� The Lovely Beta fumed, only inches away from barreling out of their hiding place and beating the Stu to a bloody pulp.
�Sean Connery did it better. And what�s with the proper nouning of Fuck? Since when is Fuck a proper noun?�
�Since when do you say fuck, Annie?�
�Look out!� Annie yanked The Lovely Beta further into the shadows as the Stu hurried past them and the motorbike roared off into the distance.
�What?�
�Viva Seattle!�
Part 3 - Decisions - Seattle
(Swords R Us/Immortality & Swords 101)
< God, doesn't it ever stop raining in this town? > Steve asks himself as he drives into Pioneer Square. He notices an antique shop on one of the corners. Steve then parks his bike in front, next a meter and goes in.
Cursing their spinning heads, traitorous stomachs, and the sudden downpour of rain that left them both doing their best imitations of drowning rats; The Lovely Beta frantically hauled Annie under the protective canopy of a storefront.
�Good fucking Lord, I hate that man.�
�He didn�t put any money in the meter.� Annie pointed out through chattering teeth. �Do Stus get parking tickets?�
�This one will.� The Lovely Beta peered through the rain at the figure moving slowly up the street checking the meters. Bitterly muttering about catching pneumonia and dying in the line of duty, she ducked back into the storm. �Excuse me! Sir? I think there�s one back here.�
Annie huddled against the side of the building, shivering and cursing as she waited for The Lovely Beta to return. There was a triumphant grin plastered on her disguised face as the parking enforcement officer filled out a ticket form and tagged the bike.
�That�s for the rain, arrogant bastard.� The Lovely Beta snarled at the building. �What now?�
�Another shift. Lucky us.�
�What is with this guy?�
Steve makes it to MacLeod's shop in about an hour. As he pulls up to the shop, he sees that Mr. Ferguson sent him to the right place. There are edge weapons ranging from European rapiers to Japanese Katanas hanging on the walls and in the display cases.
As he enters the shop, Steve sees a gorgeous blond standing behind the counter.
"May I help you Sir?" she asks in a french accented voice.
"Hello, my name is Steve St. Wolf." He replies, "I'm trying to sell this antique saber, my uncle left me." Steve places the saber on the counter in front of her, and takes a step back. "Mr. Ferguson, who runs an antique shop on Pioneer Square recommended your shop, and he sends his regards as well." He explains.
"Mr. Ferguson is an old friend, and my name is Tessa, Mr. St. Wolf. Can you wait for a few moments while I get Duncan from the back? He will give you a fair price for this saber, I assure you."
�Oh! Here he comes!� Annie squealed excitedly.
�Who?�
�Duncan.�
�Who the fuck?�
�Duncan, you moron.� She motioned to a new character entering the room with a sword in one hand.
�Duncan MacLeod. Total hottie.�
�Oh. That guy. He looks familiar.� The Lovely Beta frowned at the Highlander for a moment. �Should I see if he�s in character?�
�Don�t bother, he�s not.� Annie waved a hand dismissively. �It�d probably break the analyzer if you tried. Now shut up and let me drool in peace.�
The Lovely Beta shook her head and wandered off to stare at the cornucopia of swords, imagining slicing through Stu St. Wolf�s neck with each one of them. In the background, the action was uninteresting and the dialogue continued to sound like a bad translation from a Chinese food processor manual.
"You don't know *WHAT* you are, do you?" Duncan states as he puts down his sword. "Don't worry, I won't hurt you. I just want to talk. Listen to what I have to say to you. I'll explain everything."
�Are we supposed to read asterisk what asterisk?� Annie fanned herself with one hand, blushing crimson as Duncan moved in her direction.
�He can explain everything, huh? How about quantum mechanics? Explain that.� The Lovely Beta remarked sourly.
"I don't know what you're talking about, but the only thing I came in here to do was to sell that saber over there." Steve nods his head toward the counter.
Duncan puts his sword away, I put my 45 back in its holster, but keep my hand near it. Tessa is standing off to one side, looking worried, but she's remaining calm. Duncan walks over to the counter and examines the saber.
�Now it�s first person.� Annie looked confused.
�Just for one paragraph.� The Lovely Beta caressed one of the engraved blades longingly. �God, I hate POV whiplash.�
Steve tells them about what happen to him in Dearborn. They look at each other, remembering the news reports. How he left, and why. Steve also tells them about what happen in Texas, how Kathy was murdered and what he did to the men who did it. Duncan looks at Steve with respect and understanding. Tessa reaches out and gently squeezes his arm. He looks into her eyes and see that she also understands, most women wouldn't.
�Yeah. Everyone look at the mass-murdering psychopath with respect and understanding. The guy belongs in a prison cell for eternity.� Bored and restless, The Lovely Beta slipped one of the swords from its cradle and eyed the Stu�s neck predatorily.
�Most women wouldn�t? What the hell is that supposed to mean? What wouldn�t we understand? Testosterone poisoning?�
"You know Markham will be coming after you again, don't you?" Duncan tells me.
Steve looks at him like he's crazy < I head and heart shot that bastard >.
�Is that military speak for I shot him in the head and heart?�
�Not that I know of. Maybe its St. Wolf speak. More Stu-logic.� Annie shrugged and turned her attention back to Duncan. �Here�s where he offers to train St. Wolf. Get ready for the mother of all time-space shifts.�
The Lovely Beta grudgingly returned the sword to the display case and practiced crossing her eyes as the Immortal Trio droned on.
"Well it's obvious that you know absolutely nothing about yourself, the rules or how to properly defend yourself. I'm willing to teach you."
"Why?"
"Because I think you will make an excellent student. And from what you've told me, and from your actions earlier, especially how you got Tessa out of your line of fire, I don't think that you'll abuse what I teach you. Also, you'll help out in the shop when I'm not teaching. The money you make will help you get started in your new life. So, do you accept." Duncan asks.
�Was that supposed to be a question?� The Lovely Beta snorted mockingly.
�This conversation is really quite painful.�
�Can we skip to Sunnydale already?�
�Next stop. Hold on.�
Part 4 - New Beginnings - Sunnydale - February 1998
(Greetings from the Hellmouth)
As Steve rides into Sunnydale, he sees a gas station that is still open. He pulls in to get some gas and directions to a motel. As Steve gets off his bike, he sees the attendant coming towards him. A cheerful looking twenty year old kid. The name tag said "Matt".
"Hi, can I get a fill up of super, and directions to the nearest motel." Steve asks.
"Sure, no problem buddy." The attendant replies cheerfully.
As Steve turns around to pay him, the attendant asks, "Hey buddy, mind if I have you for dinner?"
< Dinner? What the hell was this guy talking about? > Steve turns around and looks at the attendants face, its no longer the cheerful twenty year old, but the face of a monster with fangs.
"Damn, another vampire." Steve mutters. < I hadn't seen another vampire since Prague, about seven years ago. >
It smiles and replies, "Yes, I'm a vampire and you are my dinner."
�Hello. Me Lovely Beta and you are rotten cardboard caricature of evil demon.� The Lovely Beta checked her clothes and was surprised to see boot cut jeans and tennis shoes. �What the hell?�
�Fifteen years have gone by. You know what they say�time flies.�
�When there are idiots at the helm.�
Smiling evilly it moves towards Steve, stalking him like Steve once saw an Alaskan timber wolf stalk a caribou, it's chosen prey. < Well this piece of meat has fangs too. > Steve doesn't have enough time to reach his sword, so, he pulls out his Glock and fires five rounds into the vampire's chest and knees.
"I will kill you slowly for that" The vampire vows, still smiling, walking towards Steve as if nothing had happened to it.
�Is that a violation of canon?� The Lovely Beta tapped her fingers on the gas pump thoughtfully. �Season One of Angel: The Series, Episode: Expecting. Angel is shot and while it doesn�t kill him, the bullets do knock him back a bit.�
�Put it down as bad physics. I mean, he�s not accounting for the momentum of the bullet being transferred to the body, right?� Annie scribbled it down in her notebook. �You can be Godzilla for all I care and you still have to obey the laws of physics. Conservation of momentum being one of those pesky laws.�
Thinking quickly, Steve sees a spray can of engine starter close by, he grabs for it and reaches it just as the vampire in on him. Steve turns around and sprays it into the vampire's face. It staggers backwards, wiping the fluid off its face. He's only gained a couple of seconds breathing room, but Steve sees that its still not enough time to grab his sword or a piece of wood and stop it.
Steve reaches into his coat pocket and gets out his trusty Zippo lighter, and as the vampire is coming back at him, he lights the spray like a flame thrower. The vampire lets out an unholy scream and burns up, leaving nothing but ashes.
�A spray can of engine starter. Huh? Does he mean starter fluid?� Annie looked dazed as she watched as the bonfire turned to ash. �An aerosol can of starter fluid? Does that even exist? And why is it anywhere near that many gallons of petroleum?�
�The mind boggles.�
�And then sputters to an agonizing halt.�
�Can we kill him now?�
�He hasn�t mucked up the Buffyverse yet. Patience is a virtue, Beta darling.�
�I�m all vice.� Tired and irritable, The Lovely Beta watched him gallantly save the real gas station attendant and hurry off to find a hotel room. �Let�s find a place to bunk down and get some sleep. He won�t be royally screwing things up until tomorrow.�
�Good idea.� Annie yawned. �Lead the way.�
They wandered into Sunnydale, enjoying the cool night air and pointing out various landmarks with a great deal of nostalgia.
�You�re kidding me?� The Lovely Beta stared in disbelief as the sun peeked over the horizon. �You call that a night?�
�Guess we�d better find the gang. He�s due to be screwing things up any time now. Casa Summers?�
�I�m going to relish cutting his head off with a butter knife.�
�Check it out, he�s up already!� Annie pointed to the nauseatingly familiar motorbike.
As Steve's driving through town, he notice that this does look like a nice town, during the day. < I wonder if anybody notices the darkness at night. >
�Did you notice the darkness?� The Lovely Beta asked dryly, folding her arms and glaring daggers at the bike.
�You mean the part where they call it night because it�s�dark? As in not light?�
�Just checking. Where is he going?�
�Somewhere new. It doesn�t exist anywhere in canon. Does that mean we have to blow it up?�
�I wish.� The Lovely Beta groaned. �It�ll disappear when I have his head mounted on my wall.�
Steve makes it to Lancaster Antiques, in about thirty minutes. It's a large warehouse with a store front off to one side. He parks in front of the store. As he enters the shop, a bell rings. A woman's voice calls to him from the back of the shop.
"I'll be with you in a second, please wait." The voice says. So, he waits. A couple of minutes later, two woman walk out of the back of the shop. One is blond, in her late thirties. The other is brunette, also in her thirties. Both are very good looking.
�Bored now.�
�Do you have to quote Willow?� The Lovely Beta tuned out the agony of Joyce fawning over the Stu.
�Might be the only decent dialogue we�ll hear for the next two hundred pages.� Annie tugged off her glasses and squinted through them at the light, brushing off a few specks of dirt. �Should we stick to the plan? He�s going to be flirting with Joyce and an original for a bit.�
�Ugh. Let�s keep going. I just hope there�s still a Buffy Summers in this here town pretending to be Sunnydale.�
�Too late! Temporal-spatial distortion at two o�clock!� Closing their eyes and holding onto each other, they hunkered down to wait out the worst of the shift.
Joyce recommended a real estate agent who was a friend of hers. Steve goes to see him. He had quite a few rentals available < In this town? No Kidding >. He chooses a house in a good neighborhood and moves right in.
The house had everything Steve was looking for. It was big, comfortable and had a large well equipped gym built into it < It also had three vampires living in the basement, but I'd find them later >. The previous owner had mysteriously disappeared, and his family was looking to unload the house. < I thought I could buy it, after renting it for a few months.>
�Maybe Cordy�s old house? Do contractors build gyms into houses? Fully equipped?� Weaving drunkenly, The Lovely Beta nearly toppled over an accent table.
�This is California. I hear they do weird things here.� Arms out to keep from falling over, Annie looked as though she was attempting to use the entryway rug as a Persian surfboard.
�Whoa! Did he just say he�d get the phones turned on in one day? Took me a fucking week to get a working phone.�
As Steve gives the house a more thorough going over, he notices that the previous owner had some secret panels put in. < Mmm, I could use those for my weapons and other stuff I didn't want lying out in the open. >. He opens several of them and finds a large quantity of drugs. Needless to say the toilet was working overtime. Steve was done by around eight o'clock and hungry. He orders a pizza from the local pizzeria.
�Secret panels. How convenient. Bets anyone?�
�If I say yes, the Jack of Spades�ll spit cider in my ear.� Joints cracked as Annie stretched her neck and back.
�Brando.�
�And Sinatra.�
�Good times.� Sighing wearily, The Lovely Beta adjusted the weight of her backpack and headed for the front door. �Summers house?�
�Beats staying here for the moron pizza boy to be saved by St. Perfect.�
�Remind me why we can�t kill him yet?�
�Because canon is still relatively intact. No major breeches have occurred in the Buffyverse.�
�You don�t call these major?�
�The Highlander-verse has taken the brunt of the damage so far.� Annie shuddered as she consulted her notebook. �Poor Duncan. Get the Character Analyzer out. We�ll want a read-out on Buffy and Joyce.�
�Lots of beeping coming right up.�
At the Summer's house, Buffy is having dinner with her mother, Joyce. They're going over the news of the day.
"Buffy, Mr. Lancaster hired a new salesman for his shop. I met him today."
"Is he cute, mom." Buffy asks, hoping for a negative answer.
�Is this guy allergic to question marks?� The Lovely Beta wrinkled her nose in disgust.
�Make he�s afraid of them. Is there a phobia for that?� Annie fiddled with the knobs of the Character Analyzer and turned the volume down just to be safe.
[Joyce Summers. Human. Canon character. Out of character 64.34%. Level increasing as a function of pumpkin squared minus three apples.]
"He's what you would term a hunk, dear." Her mom replies.
Buffy rolls up her eyes thinking that her mother was going to try and date this dweeb. She imagines a gray haired version of Giles, with thick glasses, slightly over weight, wearing a bad suit and bad hair.
�How do you roll up your eyes? Like a mat?� The Lovely Beta screeched in frustration.
�Probably more like a ball of string. You�d have to stretch the retinal nerve and the ocular muscles.� Annie readjusted the volume control and aimed the Character Analyzer at Buffy.
�Eww! Forget I asked!�
[Buffy Anne Summers. Slayer. Canon character. Out of character 95.78%. Complete rupture due to occur t minus fifteen double-stuffed Oreos. ErrorERRORERROR]
Annie desperately stuffed the analyzer back into The Lovely Beta�s backpack to muffle the frantic beeping.
"So, are you going to ask him out, Mom."
"Actually no, he's only twenty four years old. I was thinking you might want to show him around town, since he's moving here from Europe."
Buffy perks up at hearing this. "C'mon, Mom, dish the dirt. What does he look like?"
�Dish the dirt? Are they having dirt for dinner?� The Lovely Beta clutched the backpack tightly to her chest and soothingly caressed the lumpy outline of the Analyzer. It beeped softly.
�All your minerals in one bite if you use premium top soil.� Annie glanced at the dinner plates. �Yup. Dirt. And the Stu is thirty-eight years old, for the record. Born October 16, 1959.�
"Okay honey, don't give me the look, please. After he left, it was all Carol Lancaster and I could talk about the way he looked and moved < And wishing we were both twenty years younger >. All right here goes, he stands about 6'2", weighs about 180 to 200 pounds, no fat, all muscle. He has brown eyes and hair. He walks like a dancer and drives a motorcycle. And he has the tightest butt I've seen in a long time" Joyce starts to lose it and giggles, seeing the look in her daughter's face.
"Mother, the tightest butt? You mention that around any of my friends and I'll never be able to live it down!" Buffy says in a huff, then bursts into giggles.
�Buffy doesn�t giggle. Not in the second season.� The Lovely Beta paled, eyes wide with horror.
�We could scan her again but I think the Character Analyzer blew a fuse.�
�But she hasn�t even met the Stu yet!�
�He could have a long-range effect like the gravitation force. Curving Buffyverse space-time around him and distorting the natural order. Similar to a Black Hole.� Annie theorized, peering into the backpack at the shivering Analyzer.
�That�s it. His head is my bowling ball.�
The Summers house dissolved with a stomach clenching lurch as a time shift caught them unprepared and dumped both of them unceremoniously back into the luxurious new home of Steven St. Wolf.
�I�m going to kill him. Right now.�
�Wait!�
Annie�s warning came too late as another distortion caught up with them, sucking them into darkness and spitting them out into oncoming traffic. Flailing and scrambling out of the way of taxis and limousines, they were gasping for breath by the time they reached the safety of the sidewalk.
�New York?� The Lovely Beta blinked up at the familiar skyline. �You�ve got to be fucking kidding me?�
�Tried�to warn you.� Annie cradled her head in both hands. �Are all fic authors this bad?�
�God, I hope not. Where are we?�
On cue, the booming voice of the Omniscient Narrator answered her question.
New York City
The Offices of Meyers, Meyers & Randall
(These Are NOT The Offices of Dewey, Screwem and Howe)
�The author listens to CarTalk?�
�Apparently said author does have some modicum of taste.� Annie winced and curled up against the side of the building. �More shifts on the way. Next time I�m bringing Dramamine.�
�Law Office?� The Lovely Beta whirled around as the scene changed. �Warehouse?�
J. Edgar Hoover Bldg.
Washington D.C.
(Spooky Theater)
�Washington D.C.?�
�Mmfgh.� Annie bolted for the corner of the basement office and threw up.
The Lovely Beta grimaced as she held out a tissue. �Feeling better?�
�Not even close.�
�Well. Mulder and Scully are here, does that help?�
�I think I�m going to cry.� Annie�s lower lip trembled miserably. �I love the X-Files. I don�t think I can watch.�
�Don�t worry, honey. We�re gonna be back in Sunnydale in no time.�
�N-not any b-b-better.� Annie stammered through tears and hiccups. �L-l-look what he d-d-did to Mulder!�
�You mean he�s doesn�t always act like he�s got something up his,� She trailed off as the physicist began to cry harder. �It�s not that bad.�
�It�s horrible!� Annie sobbed.
�Come on. Let�s get back and do some quality mocking. Our Stu is bound to have done something ridicule worthy.� The Lovely Beta patted Annie�s shoulder awkwardly and pulled out the Portal Generator. �Let�s live dangerously and get the hell out of here.�
�No!�
BEEEEP! Whoosh. Everything went black.
�Beta?�
�Annie? Where are you?�
�What did you do?�
�Umm. There was this button. And another button.�
A flicker of golden light appeared in the distance, illuminating just enough of the darkness to see the bare outline of Annie standing to the right with both hands firmly on her hips.
�I told you we couldn�t portal within the fic. We could be in a completely different universe.�
�What�s the light?� The Lovely Beta squinted into the darkness. The ground beneath them quivered and the light flickered again.
�Beta?� Fear crept into Annie�s voice. �See the pale-ish light in the distance? In front of the firey one?�
�Yeah?�
�In about thirty seconds, it�s going to come this way very, very quickly.�
�Annie?� The Lovely Beta felt the first brush of wind against her face. �Where are we?�
�Loca inferna et nocte.�
�Latin? The place of hell and night? Speak English, damn you!�
�Get ready to run.�
�Run?�
Annie�s hand latched onto her arm and yanked her further into the darkness, �Don�t ask questions! Just run!�
�Why?� The Lovely Beta stumbled as Annie nearly crashed into a large stone pillar.
�Because if Legolas doesn�t think you�re an orc and shoot you, the Balrog behind them is going to have you for dinner!�
To Be Continued�.
