Buffy looked up, her eyes red either from crying or from the entire bottle of Comet she had dumped on the bathroom floor and was using to scrub it clean of the bacterial horde. Her robe was dusted with powder and crusty water drops from the sponge. �What happened to your nose?�
�Warren�fist. What are you doing?�
�I was taking a bath.� She waved at the water draining in the tub and got back to scrubbing furiously at the linoleum. �Then I realized how dirty this floor was and had to do something. Anything could be lurking in this floor, hidden under mildewy evil.�
He remembered the jacket in his hand but without the immediate presence of Spike and given Buffy�s odd behavior, he figured there wasn�t any need to rant about him being around. No sense upsetting her and increasing the amount of scrubbing to the point that she wore through to the floorboards. �Back to Warren, who�s gone Mighty Mouse with an emphasis on the might. Hence the nose.�
Footsteps sounded in the hall, Willow�s hair fanning out around her excited face as she came around the corner. �Hey, I think we finally have something!� She frowned down at the grooves Buffy was wearing into the floor. �Buffy? You�re cleaning? Why? I mean, I just mopped the floor a week ago. Is a week too long? We can clean it more often.�
�No, Willow. It�s fine. I just felt like scrubbing.� Buffy sniffed, rubbing her nose with the back of her hand and giving them a sad smile. �Sometimes I think this is the only difference I make; even Warren�s ahead of me. You said you had something?�
�We might. On one of the data CDs. Are you sure you�re okay? I can help you scrub if you want.�
�No, you guys get started. I�ll get dressed and be down in a minute.� She dumped more Comet on the floor. �You can throw that out, Xander. I don�t think he�s coming back for it.�
�Right.� He held on to the jacket awkwardly, nodding as he followed Willow downstairs. After dumping the leather jacket in the kitchen trash can, he started on wiping away the blood on his face.
�Ice pack.� Willow handed it to him. �You got beat up by Warren, huh?�
�Me and half the Bronze. He�s definitely been eating the super spinach. Tell me you found something we can use to nail these guys because they are really becoming a pain in my,� he winced as cold met bruised and swollen. �Nose. A pain in my nose. Ow.�
�It�s something. Maybe not a way to make them go poof and disappear but it might tell us what they�re planning next.�
�Heads up is better than totally blind.� He heard Buffy come down the stairs and braced himself for another round of searching for sense in the maze of geekiness left behind by the Trio.
***
The walk home was more painful than the walk to the bank. High heels had the unfortunate quality of sending vibrations through every single one of Buffy�s bruises and aching muscles. She took a shortcut through the cemetery, praying that none of Sunnydale�s undead residents were out and about just long enough for her to get home without picking up a few more bruises. Two of the trio were in jail and it was only a matter of time before Warren showed his beady eyes. She could save that pleasure for tomorrow.
�Long night, Slayer?�
She saw the flare of the cigarette in the darkness. �Spike. What do you want?�
�I live here, remember?� He was perched on a headstone, his white skin and bleached hair stark against the darkness.
�Right, cemetery.� She kept walking, trying to swallow down the sick feeling in her throat at the sight of him.
�So you sent the little wankers off to jail. Two of �em at least. Last one�s going to be tricky though. That one�he�s the heart of evil. The other two are just kids playing at games they don�t understand.�
�Don�t you have anything better to do than annoy me?� She stopped long enough to cross her arms and glare. If she hadn�t been so tired, it would have been easier to work up the energy to be furious.
His lips curled into the familiar sardonic smile around the cigarette. �What else am I gonna do? That is, until you come out of shock long enough to run crying to your little friends. Not that you shouldn�t. What I did. You should tell someone. You won�t though, I know you. Big with the self-sacrifice and suffering in silence. Think that makes you a good person?�
�I should have staked you years ago,� she told him, as cold and hard as she could manage.
�And I should have snapped that pretty little neck,� his voice turned equally cold. �Vampire, Slayer. There are no rules between the two of us. No playing nice, no safe word. Least there shouldn�t be. Now I got this chip in my head and I don�t get to kill you anymore. Well, not the old fashioned way.�
�Is that a threat?� It would be just her luck that he would go on a killing spree just to make her suffer for being weak enough to let him touch her.
�You humans are so fragile. Even you.� He stood up slowly, grinding out the cigarette under his boot with ominous deliberation. �Might be the Slayer and all, you�ve got the super powers. But you�re still flesh and blood, you still bleed like everyone else on this sodding planet. Doesn�t matter how much power you have, you still break like all the rest.�
�Are we going to do this or are you just forgetting to shut up? I haven�t had the best of days and you�re not exactly someone I wanted to see.� There was no response. She took that as a good sign that the conversation was over. Talking to him was inevitable, talking to him about what had happened in the bathroom was equally impossible to avoid. If there was one lesson Spike never seemed to learn, it was how to keep his mouth closed.
Turning away and storming off never got old, even with Dawn�s ribbing that it was childish. She would know; she�d stormed off during an argument with Buffy just the other day. But she still felt a sense of satisfaction that she�d been the one to get the last word and walk away. Letting his words get under her skin would only spin her head around again, make her do things she hated herself for.
Was it that he was a vampire or that he was another vampire? The thought came out of nowhere, turning her carefully constructed opinions into a train wreck. It was tiresome. The pain and the darkness, wanting it to end, to be over, or for something to make her alive again. She was tired of feeling empty and desolate, tired of running to nowhere. Even the nausea, the raw horror of what Spike had tried to do her, was a welcome relief from nothing at all.
The honking of a car horn snapped her out of the stupor in time for her to pull back and avoid getting run over. She blinked at the taillights and shivered a little. Now wasn�t the best time to be zoning out and stepping out into traffic. She had to get Dawn through high school first and then she could step out in front of anything she wanted.
She still didn�t know where those thoughts came from. The nagging voices that told her to hesitate just long enough to make it look real. Bring the stake down just a moment too late, giving whatever random vampire she was currently fighting to get the upper hand. It had to look real. Had to look as though she�d gone down fighting because that�s what everyone was expecting of her. To die in the line of duty and honor.
Again.
The only difference was that now she knew there was no point to any of it. Vampires kept coming, evil kept breeding, and all the Slayers in the world wouldn�t be able to stop it. A sacred calling to die. That was just what every girl needed. The meaning of her life was tangled up in her death so tightly that she couldn�t pull them apart. To die well was the only thing that mattered and even that had been snatched away, rendering her meaningless and lost.
There was still some joy in finally being able to pry her high-heeled boots from her feet and sink down into warm, cotton sheets. An hour or two until another day began, barely enough sleep to get her through, but it would have to do. She closed her eyes and buried her face against the pillow, praying that tomorrow would be better.
�How can you sleep? Time like this.� Spike�s voice once again invaded her thoughts.
�You mean four in the morning. Are you stalking me now?� Pushing away the temptation to hurl the pillow at him, she rubbed her eyes blearily. He was perched outside her window, reminding her of those nights she�d woken to see Angel in the same spot.
�Warren won�t be happy that you kicked his poncy ass, you know. Already killed one girl. Might want to find him.�
�It can wait! Don�t you have anything better to do?�
�Could be more cameras out there.� He twisted around to peer down the roof into the yard. �Wonder why they wanted to watch everyone. Doesn�t make for much in the way of entertainment. Except that one bit with me and Anya. Think they got us on film?�
�God, I hope not. Could you not mention that? Ever.� The thought made her stomach churn. If there were more cameras than just the stupid garden gnome then the odds were very good they had gotten more interesting footage. She made a mental note to search the entire yard as soon as the sun came up. �Can you leave now? Beauty sleep doesn�t exactly work with you staring at me.�
�Suit yourself. I�m still all you�ve got.�
�That is not true!� But the window was empty, only the curtains waving silently in the breeze. Her voice echoed hollowly in the small room, �I have friends. And family. I have lots of people.� He wasn�t there to suggest that they might be not be enough but he didn�t have to; the thought was already there.
Ignoring stiff joints and bruised muscles, she sat up and hugged the pillow tightly to her chest. If stalking her was part of his big plan to say he was sorry then he was more of a moron than even Xander gave him credit for. His appearance and reappearance left her unsettled. The darkness kept creeping in despite her best efforts to keep it away, lapping at her ankles and then knees and sooner or later, it would be over her head. The choice would come before she was ready to answer. Sink or swim.
***
�Time for the spring poking already?�
She�d heard him come up behind her and tried to smile at his awkwardness. �Just making sure there are no more Evil Trio cameras. Or Evil Uno.� There was the part about praying not to find one with an angle that could have caught her with Spike.
�The sinister yet addictive card game?�
�Warren. Jonathan and Andrew got clinked but Warren pulled a Rocket Man.�
�You�ll find him. He won�t be much good without his friends.�
There was something meaningful in there and she gave him the best response she had, however Hallmark card it seemed. In her head, she could hear Spike trying to convince her that her friends weren�t enough to keep her here. She still wasn�t sure that he was wrong. After seeing the look of revulsion on Xander�s face that night, she couldn�t be sure they wouldn�t turn on her if given the chance. She took a seat beside him; his attempt at reconciliation seeming sincere despite the tension.
�How did we get here?� he asked.
�Scenic route. Long drive.� Another ambiguous answer because there wasn�t a better one.
�The last few weeks��
�I know.�
�I thought I hit bottom but it hurt. That you didn�t trust me enough to tell me about Spike. It hurt.�
�I�m sorry, I should have told you.� Ugly paranoia reared its head again and she looked away, mentally pulling back because she already knew what his response would have been.
�You�re sure it�s over with him?�
�It�s over. It�s been over for awhile, Xander.� She couldn�t quite look him in the eye.
�His coat. Last night�why was it here?�
�I don�t even know when he left it there. He must�ve come by. I don�t know when, I didn�t see him. I just hung it over the railing to remind myself to throw it out.� That was a lie. She was surprised at how little guilt she felt as the words left her lips, knowing that it would be kinder than the truth. It would always be kinder than the truth. That hurt more than the lie itself, knowing that they would always prefer the lie when it came to her life.
�I�m sorry�there was assuming and you don�t have to remind me that it makes me an ass. But you can understand how it looked.�
She bristled at the tone and pulled away further; concentrating on the stick she was poking into the grass. Words, words, and more words and each one of them just seemed to dig her further into the pit that had swallowed her down. All the pretty words wouldn�t keep the judgment, the disgust, out of her friends� eyes when they looked at her and knew what she�d done.
He looked down at his hands. �I�m sorry it came to that. That you had to turn to him because I wasn�t�we weren�t there for you.�
�We�ve all done a lot of things lately that we aren�t proud of,� she reassured him blandly.
�I might have you beat.�
She changed the subject quickly, afraid and unable to trust the hope of impending reconciliation. It wouldn�t be real as long as she was still lying, still keeping secrets. �What do you think he�ll do? Warren. You knew that stuff was Klingon, any more insights?�
�I knew that was going to come back to haunt me.� When he looked up, his eyes widened with alarm. �Call me insightful, but I think he�ll show up with a gun.� She turned around in time to see the shine of the barrel in the sun.
�You think you can just do that to me? You think I�d let you get away with that? Think again!� Warren screamed, waving the gun wildly.
A bullet whistled past her ear; glass shattered in the background. None of it registered as important. Warren was running and she was after him, heart pounding in her chest. Down the street, over the grass and the hood of someone�s Toyota Camry. All she could see was the back of his head, jacket billowing out behind him. She grabbed the lid of a trashcan and threw it like a Frisbee, sending him tumbling to the ground. The gun skidded across the sidewalk as she kicked it out of his hand and he howled with pain, grabbing his fingers.
�Are you all right?� A woman hurried from the house next to them.
�Call the police! He tried to kill me.� She kept her eye on Warren but he didn�t do much other than moan before the police arrived with sirens.
It was a relief to hear the click of handcuffs and finally watch him become someone else�s problem. She could barely believe it was over, a heavy weight lifting off of her shoulders when she finished giving her official statement and the squad car pulled away from the curb. Another officer headed to the house to collect evidence of the shooting. She took her time walking back.
Whether it was the time to think that she wanted or just a few more minutes without having to lie to her friends, she didn�t know. It just felt better to take each step and savor the lack of nerds making her life hell. Maybe something going right was what she needed to breathe again and get all this behind her. She reached the corner just as the ambulance turned onto Revello drive with sirens blaring. Faster steps, just in case, and then full out sprinting when the flashing lights turned into her driveway.
There were paramedics blocking all but the view of Xander�s jeans, of him lying on his back in her backyard. It should have hit her like a bolt of lightning when one of the EMTs shook his head and pulled away. Should have but didn�t. She stood here, numb and unable to move at all. The glass was broken in one of the upstairs windows and she thought she could hear Willow screaming.
Then she realized she was the one screaming.
