April 29, 2001

wut is the purpose life eh?

i think about this question alot. ( ask john) wut is the purpose? we'll never find out. so instead of asking wut the purpose is, wut do i treasure from it. i guess i treasure being physical okay. having great friends and family. i guess i am pretty well set for life. i in college. i just dont have one thing. a line from romeo and juliet can describe wut i dont have. love is great, but being loved back is even greater. ( paraphrased) right now i feel like trash. if u know me u know how different i act. i might act like a happy guy but i sometimes daze out. inside i am hurting as hellz. when i wake up in the morning, i think about 2 things. that person and cancun. ppl says its like putting salt on ur wounds. but i cant get over her. u find the right person yet u still cant get her. i hope its real love and i hope one day i will be loved back or else i am sorry. especial to one person...(cough L cough) but i think i am right on wut i said that day u left cuz i never felt like this in my life about a girl. even if this person gives me tons of stress. i know she doesn't like me. she literally breaks my heart when i see her. sometimes i feel that there is no reason to live. i dont know wut is love anymore. is it something that suppose to go away (like a bird)? or is it suppose to kill u every little and make u depressed 24/7 like how i feel now. maybe these lyrics can help u to understand how i feel..thanks hash..

i think that kinda describes how shitty i feel. i lived without love for 18 years of my life. but now i cant live without getting some back. but eh i still got my buds and family. also like my buddy glenda said wut hurts you, makes u stronger.( something like that) even if i know she is the right person.

May 01, 2001

wut is friendship?

"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."

yesterday someone called me selfish and mean. said i only thought about myself and never help anyone out. the person told me i was being so inconsiderate and that was the last day of our friendship. this was the person's point of view. i understand where the person is coming from but the person has to look through my eyes.

this is how i saw it...

i did a good thing for that person (blah). blah get in trouble. at first, blah somewut blames me on it a little. i didn't know blah got in trouble and didn't know wut was going on. blah storms out leaving me after i told blah to come with me to get something done. i call blah's cell phone like 4 times. its rings and then blah disconnects it. remember i still have no clue wut is going on. so i get mad cuz this is like the 3rd time she disced me. normally in humans after u get the feeling that u dont want to be seen with i kinda get the picture. so i sent a txt message saying how ironic today is the last day of school and our friendship. even if i know i didn't mean it cuz i love blah. i stayed outside like an hour just thinking. that's how much i care. i even with to the subway for a while to see blah would come there. ok after a while, blah calls me when i was sleeping outside. blah tells me the situation and says how bad of a friend i am and hangs up on me. hmm how bad of a friend i am eh? "A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out." didn't i try like 5 times to call blah. opps sorry no i was being selfish. so i come home blah calls me again. blah doesn't even mention about hanging up on me. she tells me to go online. she explains the situation in detail. at the end blah said i will be a friend and save my ass? huh, i was doing a good thing. friends help friends out. blah tells me i am selfish and a not a friend at all. that i do shit for blah. blah uses my words and says that it is ironic that its the last day of school and of our friendship. blah calls me, we talk about saving blah ass. blah dont talk about wut blah just said. like nothing happened. but being the nice guy, i didn't hang up. i know blah is in a tough time right now and like i said before. "A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out." even if blah thinks i have no emotions or feelings. remember i am selfish and a meanie. but i think this is wut i gonna do after its all done. if blah feels like that then that's obviously a sign that she doesn't like me. ppl know me pretty well, if someone dont like me i leave em alone. usually when i become good friends with someone i know they a good person. i thought this person was a good person too. i liked blah for who blah was. well, actually i was in love with who blah was. but in the end it looks like ppl seem to be nice but its only a trick. for once, i wish i am wrong. summary ...

SHE SAID - while you were sleeping
I was listening to the radio
And wondering what you're dreaming when
It came to mind that I DIDN'T CARE
So I THOUGHT - hell if IT'S OVER
I had better end it quick
Or I could lose my nerve
ARE YOU LISTENING - can you hear me
Have you forgotten

wut can i say love makes u blind sometimes. but if i had to chance to go to in time i would do the exact same things i have done. i rather love and feel pain then not just not falling in love at all. i learned alot from this. this article could be totally wrong she just said that out of anger.

May 05, 2001

wut is good pain?

there r two types of pain. physical and mental. i am literally in great deal of physical pain right now. my back hurts as hell. gosh. this pain led me to anger. anger can make you say stuff u dont mean. from my physical pain, i caused mental pain to one of my best friends. sorry from the bottom of my heart! the pain i felt today however was still a good pain. i realized that i made a mistake and i learned from it. it made me see how much of a fool i was and i will try not to let my actions go over board again. all i can say is that i am sorry. its all up to u now. dont be a fool like me. again, sorry for the trouble and the waste of time and gas.