circles and circles again
wednesday, january 2, 2002
"by starlight i'll kiss you
and promise to be your one and only
i'll make you feel happy
and leave you to be lost in mine
and where will we go, what will we do?
"soon," said i, "we'll know"
and are you just like me?
dead eyes, are you just like me?
her eyes were as vacant as the sea
dead eyes, are you just like me?
and all along, we knew we'd carry on
just to belong
by starlight i know you
as lovely as a wish granted true
my life has been empty, my life has been untrue
and does she really know, who i really am?
does she really know me at last
dead eyes, are you just like me?"
--by starlight, smashing pumpkins
i'm having a complete retro evening. i have started to assemble all my archived entries, since 1997, and split them into separate entries with, you know, nicer, simpler code. i can't remember the last time i had to read and remember this much of who i was when i was 19.
and then i found it. it's from august 15, 1997. it was eerie to see how much it might as well have been written this past week:
...
"I'll listen to a song, and it feels just like the night and sleeping, and I'll feel fine, but as soon as I turn the music off these thoughts overcome me.
(sigh) I've been having nightmares almost every night now for... hmm.. a year and a half at least. No, I don't mean the kind that you wake up screaming from..
it's some sort of pre-sleep nightmare things, and it's starting to really wear me out.
It's gotten so bad that yesterday I actually thought about turning the lights on, putting music on and playing on my puter till the sun came up so I could go to sleep then.
I practically did too, I spent 2 hours tossing and turning with my heart beating real fast and sweating, while imagening stuff. I got to sleep after 4 in the morning.
I'll try and describe it.. I imagine stuff. DUMB IDIOTIC STUFF, but I can't stop..
It starts as I turn things off and lie down to go to sleep.. I'll imagine that if I keep my arm too far out the edge of the bed, I'll suddenly touch something, a face or so..
Then I'll press my side against the wall and pull my feet up under the covers so nothing could touch my feet from the floor, and that's when I'll suddenly notice how quiet it is, and imagine I hear a rat running on my floor..
A spider crawling in my hair..
Or arms shooting out of the wall..
I'll turn my back to the wall and "know" that if I open my eyes I'll see someone sitting across the room looking at me, a face outside my window, a hand on my neck, a corpse under my bed... etc etc etc.
I know this sounds childish, and it IS, but believe me, it's no joke, or something I seem to be getting over. (sigh)
I just can't explain at all how it feels. I just know that it's getting worse, much worse by every night.
If I could only be online during my night, that'd calm me, but as it is now.. I just have to wait it out till I'm so worn out I fall asleep, have strange scary dreams and wake up as from a coma in the morning.
Does anyone have any advice to offer? (sigh)"
...
spooky, eh? anyway. angela and family have been kind enough to extend an offer for me to come stay there until friday when i can move into my dorm. i'll get to watch over garrett so the other adults can get work done, and i'll have company. i'm thrilled.
when i told my professor, he seemed equally relieved that i'll get out of the office. he said he was feeling sorry for me and was going to offer me to have a shower at his house tomorrow otherwise. heh. :)
it never ceases to amaze me that people are so kind when i need them to be. so. thank you. really.
the smashing pumpkins song is also very retro for me -- an old friend sent me a tape in 1996 with this song on it. that tape was a companion of mine many sleepness, anxiety ridden nights. i'm playing it tonight, and it still does the trick. and i realized what a pretty song it is, lyrically, as well.
if i do end up having my online radioshow, this'll have to be on my setlist for whatever week valentine's day falls on. i plan on an hour of squishy songs, an hour of sad songs. there are always two sides to every emotion.
good night. and i mean that. �� 1:15 a.m.
