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thursday, september 6, 2001
i think the only thing i want to mention about the mtv's boring video music awards is - one of the limp bizkit guys singing iron maiden during their acceptance speech actually made me smile. heh. that's all. and the britney thing was.. eh.. uh.. somebody needs to remix her. anyways.
"got to stop running it's all a bad dream, bad dream..." - yvonne
me, i've been messed up all day. all because of a stupid dream. it wasn't even that bad. i think. it was just exhausting. i can't really describe it. no really, it was that disjointed.
i killed a guy who broke into my apartment. i met actress reese witherspoon who apparently knew me. i rummaged through a closet and dressed up in lots of bad 70's denim clothes. a guy persued me relentlessly, in a good way, which was both fun and confusing. suddenly i was in a supermaket cafe having coffee with my mom, aunt and grandma. grandma was in a wheelchair. i sat next to her, patting her arm or back, leaning my head against her shoulder.
soon grandma started to fall asleep and i had to support her head. she kept sleeping more and getting limper, and i had to give her more and more physical support until i was sitting in the wheelchair with her, wrapped around her, supporting her spine and head with all of my body. i remember feeling her dribble drool on me, but i felt nothing but compassion and love.
then i woke up. it was the most confusing feeling. i literaly felt unbelievably in love with the guy in the dream (who physically resembled nobody i ever recall meeting) and hysterically sad and messed up because of my grandmother. i miss her. i wish i could call her, even though i know she probably wouldn't even recognize my voice, and still when i told her it was me, she wouldn't have a clue who i was.
i haven't been able to shake this weird mix of emotions all day. i can't explain it. part of it is familiar, the depression which has been creeping back the past month. the other is.. uncharted territory. i don't know.
i went by the student health office and got an appointment for counselling. turns out they only have one counsellor that comes by the university once a week for three hours. she couldn't squeeze me in until three weeks from now. part of me keeps thinking maybe i'll be fine by then and can cancel the appointment. i don't know. we'll see.
dreams, man. can't stand the little bastards. peace. �� 11:32 p.m.
