allting som jag vill, kan jag gora! ha!
saturday, october 13, 2001
so, i had a talk to asshole professor (who is decidedly different from the evil professor i had a problem with earlier this semester) yesterday. um. let's see. was it a good conversation? i couldn't quite tell.
i mean, he did give me lee-way with the assignment i never turned in to him -- now it's due next thursday. i can most definitely do that. i guess that was a successful development.
except he kept making badly veiled digs at my supposed cheating in his test the other week. this time he verified that someone had indeed "told" on me and others in the class, but like last time he spent 5 minutes explaining that in order to make a formal accusation he would have to go through the school's legal procedure's and he had chosen not to do that this time.
because of this choice, he is apparently free to make it abundantly clear that he thinks i've cheated, and since he's not making an official accusation, i can't really defend myself. it's all so pathetic. i responded in a cool manner, stated my innocence as non-aggressively as i could and towards the end of the "discussion" he seemed to backpeddle a little bit, yet still refered to 'second chances' and how he 'understands that people have different work ethics'.. again.. ASSSSSHOLE. hee.
he asked me specifically: "what were you talking about during the test? i know you were talking - what exactly was there to talk about?"
so i decided to be as honest and helpful as i could and told him. "oh, i looked at your test, saw that it focused almost entirely on things i had not studied much beforehand, looked over at the girl i had just studied with for three hours and i said (and i do quote): "what the fuck?! what is this! we're screwed! waaaah!!"
heh. i'm so helpful.
during the 40 minutes (where i spoke about 3 minutes total) he also suggested that by staying in school this semester i'm dealing unwisely with my own health, i should "take the semester off and come back in spring", advised me that i should step down from my "extra-curricular activities, such as the student newspaper" because it "distracts from my school work" .. did i mention his babble about second chances means no third chances threats? rah!
for someone who sees himself fit to advice me on how i should live my life outside of class, he seems conveniently oblivious to what his little suggestions would mean. take the semester off? er, the university's not going to give me a full refund. it's october. dude. that would mean adding $7,000 onto my over-all debt. right. step down from the newspaper? uh, yes, losing my only source of income sounds very clever, doesn't it. (not to mention the newspaper is part of the reason i stay in school at all, and has actually helped me focus on school work - it's like my own little office, with supplies and people to ask for help and everything)...
go back to sweden? erm. no? let's see - lose huge lump of money, quit my job (where i win nice awards, earn an income at, and have friends), leave my dear american friends and go home to live in my mom's spare room with No income, No job, No friends (well, maria is there but heavily wrapped up in studying).. there's the cat, of course, there is that, but.. heh.. i think i'll stick to my own plan. thanks anyway.
so. it was pretty aggravating. i was so cool and centered the whole time. someone should hand me an oscar. well, if anna paquin could have one, why couldn't i? hee. but i made it through.
only to meet up with the girl i study with for his class and learn that he's accused her of cheating as well. heh! she was as baffled as i was, especially since i know i did not cheat off of her, and she knows she did not cheat off of me, and we were the only ones sitting somewhat next to each other. i'm now VERY interested in what the person who "snitched" on us actually said and thinks they saw. heh. people bewilder me at times.
so. the rest of the day was okay -- i spent most of it telling everyone i could think of of my ordeal. i thought venting would help, but as i tried to go to sleep last night it was obvious how much the past four days rattled me: i had a good, old-fashioned anxiety attack trying to go to sleep. now there's a blast from the past.
it's so weird when it happens. it just progressively sneaks up on me. i'll be watching tv and notice that my leg is a bit restless, tapping. i'll get tired. turn tv off, try and go to sleep. find myself tapping fingers against my leg, foot restlessly tapping against mattress, brain echoing things people have said that bother me like a bad lifetime movie.
the restlesseness and the voices sort of build and build and build and thoughts pop up that i ordinarily would mock myself for thinking but seem all too true in my rattled state.
"what am i doing in school? i'm such a horrible student. i'm wasting all this money and all i can be is a terrible student. maybe he's right? maybe i should drop out. i'm failing at everything anyways. i failed high school too. why did i think i could do this? i'm such an idiot. i'm 24 and there's no point to what i'm doing. there's no point. i'm nowhere."
and other crap. it's all pretty dorky and over dramatic. shrug. suddenly it's 3 a.m. and i'm sobbing in a most unattractive manner and want my cat because he's all i've got. heh. i'm very glad my roommate left for fallbreak. i borrowed her The Color Purple video and watched. very good, incredibly sad movie. danny glover's character is so nasty, and i feel so sorry for oprah winfrey's 'sofia'.. and poor celie! i can't believe steven spielberg made this. heh. and suddenly it's dawn and i can go to sleep and wake up and laugh at how pathetic i can be.
my boss drove me to lunch today -- a cheap soup and salad buffett where i ate like a.. uh.. like a vegetarian at a soup and salad bar. :) delicious! and now after blasting music loudly in the office for 8 hours (hey, angela, did i mention tori amos' boys for pele is a brilliant album?.. hee! kidding! i'll stop saying that every single time i call you, honest.. but it really is.. just saying.. heheheh.) , i'm going home. wish me luck. cin cin. �� 11:59 p.m.
