my heart was wrapped in.. clover?!
monday, october 1, 2001
see, i get stuck on these songs and they trigger funny things. ever since i saw the other sister where hector elizondo sings "at last" in a church as a bride walks in, i too wanna get married, like, now, with somebody singing "at last" in a church. it was just such a warm composition. for somebody not very marriage pre-disposed, that's a pretty disturbing sudden craving. luckily, my craving doesn't seem to involve a groom - i just want to walk up an aisle with hector elizondo singing "at last" and that's about it.
likewise odd is my sudden intense longing for owning a small house of my own. every time i go somewhere on a bus, or ride in somebody's car, or take a walk off campus, i stare out the window, sizing up the houses i pass. "that one is ugly. i feel sorry for them. not even paint would make it better. oh, i want that one! ooh, if i owned that one, i'd knock out that wall and make it all glass. of course, i'd have to make something so i could still walk around naked without worrying of people peeking inside. but the light would be great!"
i got this panic pang in my heart after the attack, when it really seemed like the world was ending, possibly at the end of that very week. i'm sure plenty of others felt the same. this kind of "oh no. now it is too late to.. (insert future wish)" .. a sadness of perhaps not getting to do things secretly wished for, or concretely planned on. i guess i still feel that.
even now when it seems the world hasn't imploded (perhaps i should add yet..) i have this sad spot of doom in regards to the future. suddenly all the world's economy sucks. my home country's economy sucks horridly. i hope i'll still be able to finish my studies even though the value of swedish kronor and american dollars is more uneven than ever.
i worry that with the doom gloom economy, i won't be able to get an okay job when i do eventually manage to get a job. not with thousands of people being laid off, and me not being terribly talented at anything in particular -- i don't suck, i have good qualities, but there are plenty more better suited i'm sure -- so i'll have a real crap job that makes me unhappy and pays nothing and i'll drown in my enormous school loan.
and because i'll have a crap job and crap pay i'll only ever manage to live in a miserable apartment, if i'm ever even able to move out of my mom's spare room. and i'll never have a secure existence. i'll never get anything saved up for retirement. i'll just be broke all my life.
and so i'll never be in a position to have a kid, whether by me or adopted. i was really sort of looking forward to that, not now, not anytime soon, but some day, when i'm 32 or so (which is really only 8 years from now! whoa.) .. and because i'll never have a secure existence in any way, i'll never be able to buy or rent a house. and i'd really like a house. i think i've established that.
a house and a kid and a couple of cats and perhaps getting to work out of the house with something i enjoyed just enough that it never really felt like hard work. not making a ton of money, just enough. i guess that's a pretty common wish. i just don't have much faith in it, i guess. and that makes me sad.
heh. did i just bum everyone out? sorry. i really didn't mean to. i was just going to post on how listening to joan osborne sing "at last" sends little fake "you're in love!" emotions all over me. so funny. lamb's song, "gorecki" does the same thing to me, with the singer wailing how she's found the one she's waited for...
when i do think about my future and try to imagine positive things, i never imagine anyone else appearing and sharing it, except for that kid one day. sometimes that makes me sad, but i just don't see it. shrug. i'm sure that whole "self-fulfilled prophesy" theory may apply to this. who knows. just can't quite picture it. i can see the house quite clearly though. the kid seems to be a little dark-haired girl, but that's never set. i just get this image in my head of a sun-lit house, garden, it's summer, and there's a fuzzy presence of a child. the whole thing is blurred, like a barbara walters special.
anyhow. i guess i'm just rambling. i'm sure i made my point, if there was one. just in a mood. that happens. heh. cin cin.
At last my love has come along
My lonely days are over
And life is like a song...
At last the skies above are blue
My heart was wrapped in clover
The night I looked at you
I found a dream that I could speak to
A dream that I could call my own
I found a thrill to press my cheek to
A thrill that I have never, never known
Oh, you smiled
And then the spell was cast
And here we are in heaven
For you are mine...
At Last...
�� 8:11 p.m.
