"och jag �nskar att du lj�g..."
thursday, june 28, 2001
the mosquitos finaly decided to join us this summer and my pink summer skin is riddled with raised red spots, a bit like tiny love bites. my allergy to whatever the mosquitos spit into me make them tiny buttons of pain. the most frequently triggered blushes brightly midst the wrinkly skin at the bend of my right index finger. it makes typing an oddly conscious chore -- i can never tell when a word will require a key which requires an ever so slight stretch... it's a positively tingly sensation. i don't know if i want to stop typing or do it till the blushing fades. so silly.
at least i'm not my mom, deathly allergic to wasps. anything travelling by wings making a faint buzzing sound causes her to leave a room and shut the door. i'll gladly suffer my burnlike spit infections to death by suffocation due to swollen shut air pipes.
mmm. definitely summer. (as if you needed me to proclaim it so.)
as always, i'm behind on everything, especially on getting things together in order for my fall return to america. this time the problem consists of me not settling my student account before leaving america, causing the university not to send me my grades through the mail so i can send them along with my loan application for next semester, the very loan application that needs grades with them in order to be considered at all.
i'm a bit angry, as i specifically asked if this might happen if i didn't settle the account (it's $67) before leaving and was told no, i just wouldn't be able to register for new classes until i paid. as always, they lied, or just didn't bother to check the facts. also as always, i waited just a few extra days after beginning to suspect something was up before looking into things to verify that something definitely was up. not worrying, though, i refuse to.
worrying about things makes me useless for any sort of function outside of worrying, and in order to alleviate what i worry about, i need to act, and function. i'm simply of no use on my bed with a tight knit ball of dread in my belly and what-if's loitering in every cell. actually, i never quite rid myself of all the worry, even at a calm state i'll feel waves of intense discomfort that comes from secret worrying from some spot in my brain, but i just have to ignore it or i'll be completely incapacitated by it. i know my own m.o. by now.
a girl full of dread and what-if's never fills out documents, goes to the post office or makes travel plans at all. she just becomes more and more frozen as deadlines and musts pass by and always has a sneaking conviction that if the plan falls through, which it will, life itself will implode.
a girl who ignores the dread and answers the what-if's with so-what's methodically does what seems to be needed and hopes for the best and is willing to wait out failing plans and paper trails because life modifies and adjusts.
so i'm ignoring and doing while listening to h�kan hellstr�m's album. he's such a pretty little thing. i want to be h�kan hellstr�m because i want to get to sing these songs on a stage and spread the intense mania the way he gets to do. instead, i'll at least get to catch the mania late july. i'm finally going to a h�kan concert! again, i feel about five. oh well.
cin cin!
