words
monday, december 17, 2001
see, i can't stand pure instrumental music. i need a voice there, words strung together, breaths and drool and jaw clicks and all. i can only stand certain classical music, and it must be dramatic and intense, because then i can imagine dancing to it--there has to be that complement to make the music visual, i can't just sit there and listen, no matter how pretty.
i don't need a perfect voice, in fact, bring the crooked voices on, the scratches and howls and breaks, all off-key, as long as i find something in it to connect with i will love it, the flaws turned precious, dear and comforting to me. i get so comfortable with these voices. i can't sing very well myself, but i know some voices so well that i can mimic them, and i remember every little scratch and sigh when i sing along, not consciously, it just comes out that way because i know it so well.
i can tell if i will like an artist sometimes purely by reading their lyrics. like kristin hersh. angela played kristin hersh and throwing muses songs for me a few years back, and i loved it, but i knew already before she played the first song that i would like it because i peeked at the lyric booklets and read the stories and it just spoke.
the kristin concert we went to a few years ago is still one of my dearest memories. that neck, muscles like ropes, her foot twisted and tense... mmmm. i still remember her soft lean forward, asking angela if she liked it after she sang "shake" for her. chills.
i get annoyed by artists who won't put their lyrics along with the cd. i don't care what the reason is--i want to read and learn the song from a different level, because when i hear a song i never hear the words. or, i can't remember them. it's like asking me to remember individual peas from last night's dinner.
i have never been one of those radio mavens who can sing every word of every song they hear. so many times i'm in a restaurant or department store and somebody i'm with will go "oh, i can't believe they are playing this song!" and i strain to hear what it is but hear only loose disconnected sounds. you can ask me to sing you a song i've heard hundreds of times, or heck, songs i've had on obsessive repeat for hours, and i can only come up with a few stray phrases. it just doesn't connect in my head.
and i like lyrics that make no sense. it doesn't feel like nonsense when i hear them, but when i read them i have no clue what it is i think i get from them. but when i hear them in context i just feel it, it all is spelled out there, in the voice that sings them, maybe. such a voice and word addict.
i'm in a kristin hersh haze right now. that's always fun. or, maybe not fun. she makes me sad. or rather, she makes me feel uneasy, but i don't mind. and sometimes i am sure i get just what she means. i mean, a truly evil hairdo that's not me, i know what that is like. and stuff.
and i think something was happening, but now i don't think i want to because i don't like to think about it. i'd rather think about nothing special at all. i mean it. because i get into these things and then i rev up, wake up, and it becomes too much. i'd rather be sleeping. like kristin sings: "Don't forget that I'm alone when you're away"
i don't mean to be like that, too intense for what the situation warrants, but it is the way it is, and so i'm doing damage control now. a little nail file to soften down the edges that tore. i'll be contained again, no problem, i've done this before, you'd think i'd learn?
i always tell people how much i despise mind games, but what i really want to say is that i loathe this thing where we don't say things out loud. i want to say things out loud, big, clunky things with wings and horns and names. but you're not supposed to. so i don't. so then there is all this second-guessing and ridiculous over-interpretation of every thing that does or does not happen (especially that which does not).
i'd like to be relaxed, but it's not who i am, i am not comfortable figuring out how the people puzzles work. because it should be so simple. shouldn't it? i would like the world better if so much of it didn't require me to spend forever trying to interpret it and play into possible scenarios.
eventually it all becomes "well, if i want A to happen, then maybe if i do B it will cause C, and then that will turn into A?" and that is way too complex and tiresome for this girl. so i don't want to do it.
see, i know my limitations. they make me sad. but i can't pretend that they're there unnecessarily. because by now, i know how i get. i get revved up and frazzled, and the less that happens ends up consuming more energy than that which does.
i just need a yes or no, red or green, a stretched out tentacle, something, and then i will know how i'm supposed to proceed and it will all be better. i prefer disappointment to this. i do. woohoo! there haven't been a psycho-babble entry in months! aren't you lucky. what can i say. it's the usual.
hey, so my cousin from back home e-mailed me too. all these little tentacles suddenly appearing to attatch me to the family tree. i should stretch a few out too, but for some reason i expect people to blank me out of their realm of thinking as soon as i'm not physically around them (hey, some do, y'know, it's not all my brain), and so i feel like i shouldn't force them to remember again. it's stupid, but then, there ya go.
my fall grades are slowly trickling in. three c's so far. wait, let me check. ooh! i got a b in french! yey! i really didn't expect that. i'm also awaiting an f (for the class i dropped out of after the drop date), and i'm hoping for a d in my other class with dr asshole. heh.
man, i suck. hee. well. i'm a sucky student, but i've got homemade gingerbread with walnuts and raisins to eat, and i bet you don't. so. nyah!
"Don't forget that I'm alone when you're away"
pfft. nevermind me. :) �� 5:05 p.m.
