This part is dedicated to Della, who always listens even when she doesn't really understand what this X-Files thing is all about, and Greg, who gives me big slobbery baby kisses.
US 3/GET THIS LOVE UNTIED
03/05
by: Jennifer Maurer
"Letting go, it's so hard
The way it's hurting now
To get this love untied
So tough to stay with this thing
Cos if I follow through
I face what I denied
I'll get those hooks out of me
And I'll take out the hooks that
I sunk deep in your side
Kill that fear of emptiness,
that loneliness I hide
River oh river running deep
Bring me something that will
let me get to sleep
In the washing of the water will
you take it all away
Bring me something to take this
pain away."
---Peter Gabriel, "The Washing of the Wateer"
I slammed down the receiver with enough force to put the whole phone through the desk. <Bastard.> So much for going upstairs to do some research for a new case <which he didn't even have the courtesy to brief *me* on, but that's okay, I'm just his *partner*>. Had I actually told him I would meet him by the Potomac? Forget that. He'd probably had this secret rendezvous with the next Deep Throat planned all along, so he could deal with it himself. Why should I drop everything to wander blind into a situation Mulder had created---which no doubt meant it was dangerous. No. This time he was on his own.
I knew when I didn't show up that Mulder would worry about me, especially after all we'd been through in the last few days <has he forgotten that quickly?>. I sat down in his chair, drumming my fingers on the desk. <I should call him and tell him I'm not coming.> I actually had his cell phone number halfway dialed when I hung up. <When was the last time *he* called *you* to let you know he was okay?>
I realized that I only wanted to get out of here. Curl up under my quilt like a sick child and just shut out the world. My famous Dana Scully armor had too many cracks in it for me to face Mulder now. It had been hard enough coming into the office this morning and acting normal. I snorted at the thought. One little word <*normal*> and I'd felt Mulder's heart snap shut like a steel trap. He was gone from me, even though he was still standing there.
I shook my head. <I don't want to think about this now.> I wanted to go home and brood in private. This was the first place Mulder would look for me. I packed everything up and pulled my coat on. I could finish up my work just as easily at home. Let Mulder dig his own grave with those expense forms.
My heart stopped at the knock on the door. <He wouldn't come back here to pick me up...would he?> I straightened my spine. Even if by some odd chance it *was* him, I could hold up for a few more minutes before I made my escape.
"Come in."
I don't think I'd ever been so glad to see Skinner in my life, for the simple fact that he *wasn't* Mulder. He paused, obviously slightly taken aback at Mulder's absence and my ready-to-leave attire.
"Agent Scully..." he looked around. "Where is Agent Mulder?"
I sighed, falling into the familiar drill. "I'm sorry, sir, I don't know where Agent Mulder is. He said something about needing to pull some files for the case you've assigned us, but apparently he has left the building. I have no idea where he is now."
Skinner's brows drew together in a confused frown. "New case? Agent Scully, I haven't assigned you two a new case yet. I'm still waiting to get the report on the Schnauz case."
I felt my face start to burn. It wasn't as bad as Mulder neglecting to brief me on our new case, oh no. It was worse: he had *lied* to me about their being any case at all. Which probably meant he was off on another *solo* wild adventure. I felt like an idiot, and in front of my supervisor, no less. My anger at this new unfolding of events gave me a burst of cold energy, and I looked Skinner right in the eye.
"I'm sorry sir, <damn it, why *I* always the one apologizing?> Agent Mulder led me to believe <no, I did *not* misunderstand him> that you had assigned us a new X-File. I haven't the faintest idea where he is now or what he's doing, although I suspect it's something neither of us would approve of." Skinner's eyebrows shot up at that last remark. I was half-shocked at the sarcasm coming out of my mouth, and I drew a deep breath before I continued, "If you don't mind, sir, I'd really rather finish up my work at home today. I'm nearly finished with the case report, I can e-mail it to you within the hour. Agent Mulder is responsible for the other work that needs to be finished." <There. Let's see him dig himself out of *that* one.>
"That's fine, Agent Scully. You're not feeling well?"
"No, sir, I'm fine."
"Very well. Don't bother about e-mailing the case report, tomorrow on my desk will suffice. If you hear from Agent Mulder, please inform him that I'd like to see him."
"I will, sir. Thank you." I could tell from Skinner's tone of voice that he was as angry with Mulder as I was. <Probably also feels sorry for me, the one who's always left behind to pick up Mulder's pieces.> I paused a moment after Skinner left, looking around the office I'd shared with Mulder for several years now. His posters, his gruesome photographs, his files, his desk. This was all about him. Where did I fit in? *Did* I fit in? I knew I was really asking myself this question on a personal, not professional, level. For all his overprotective reactions, I knew Mulder respected me as an FBI agent. I sometimes doubted myself, especially after an incident like the one with Schnauz, but Mulder never did. I had come into the X-Files in the middle of his quest for the truth, but the search had become mine as well. I had as much at stake now as he did, maybe more. No, my feeling of not belonging went deeper than the X-Files. In fact, that might be the *only* place in Mulder's life for me.
I wandered listlessly to my car, feeling more dragged down with every step. I had gotten zero sleep after Mulder took me home, tossing and turning <alone> in my bed, unable to forget how his lips had felt against mine, his hands in my hair, on my body...I got in the car and slammed the door harder than necessary. <Damn you, Mulder.> I thought I understood, finally, why God told Eve not to eat the apple. Knowledge is not always a good thing. Maybe I should have been left to wonder the rest of my life what kissing Mulder would feel like. I had the knowledge now, and it didn't do me a damn bit of good.
I pulled out of the garage faster than necessary, startled to hear my tires squeal. I made myself slow down and take deep breaths as I pulled out into traffic. Despite my earlier resolve, I still considered meeting Mulder on our bench. I drove around the block a few times, trying to make up my mind. I think I *wished* I wanted to go. But the desire just wasn't sincere. I really didn't want to be around Mulder anymore right now. I just wasn't up to it. Dealing with his rejection while simultaneously trying to act like nothing had happened after getting no sleep had simply worn me out. <Okay, but at least *call* him, you know how he gets, he'll be frantic when you don't show up.> I pulled over to the curb and reached for my cell phone. I had half of his number dialed when a wave of anger washed over me and I jabbed the off button, suddenly furious. How many times had Mulder done *me* this courtesy? None sprang to mind. No, poor Scully was always left behind, for one reason or another...and then got nothing but wise-ass remarks when I did finally track him down <"The Last Detail, starring Dana Scully">. He only wanted to protect me, it was too dangerous, he couldn't betray his source...Mulder had a million of them, and I'd swallowed every one like a good girl. Never explain, never complain. Mulder and I were the two halves of that expression and I was getting tired of it. <*Let* him worry> I thought as I pulled back into traffic, <*let* him see how it feels to have no idea where your partner is.> I turned the cell phone off completely and tossed it into the back seat of my car, ignoring the rational part of me that whispered <Aren't you being a little harsh? After Duane Barry, Mulder felt responsible for you, a responsibility that grows with each case...Donnie Pfaster, Gerald Schnauz. You know he will always worry about you when you're not there...and isn't that flattering? Doesn't that show he cares?> No, I told the voice, it was insulting, and caring is not the same as feeling guilty. I knew I was lying to myself even as I said it. Mulder felt so guilty *because* he cared.
I abruptly decided I didn't want to go home after all. My apartment had seemed like a cage over the last few days. I had slept (or tried to, anyway) with the bedroom window open, something I never do, simply because I could no longer stand being completely sealed in. I felt like a sardine with all the windows shut...I felt like I was back inside Schnauz's trailer. How had Mulder ever heard me in there, with no windows? <No windows in a train car, either...isn't that where *they* kept you?> I jumped at the unexpected thought and felt goose bumps rising on my skin. No, home was not such a soothing option after all. I wondered who else to turn to, and decided on my mother. I thought briefly of the last time I had gone to her <"Mom, I've made a terrible mistake, Dad would be so ashamed of me...">, when I'd thought Mulder dead in New Mexico. I shuddered and turned up the heat in my car to combat the shivering I couldn't control.
I turned towards my mother's house, with some reluctance. I always hesitated when the urge to confide in my mother came over me. Although she would never admit it, I knew she didn't want to hear about my work anymore, not after Melissa's death and my abduction. She still supported me, but preferred to do it without knowing the details. <Well, I can cry on her shoulder about Mulder, anyway, without telling her about Schnauz.> I had suspected for awhile now that my mother held secret hopes for Mulder and I. She sometimes reminded me how desperately he had searched for me when I was gone. I knew by those kind of remarks that Mulder meant a lot to her because Mom never spoke of my abduction otherwise.
I pulled up in front of her house, feeling some measure of relief replace the nagging guilt that I had felt since switching off my phone. I was only half-way up the front walk when the door swung open and Mom stood there, looking absolutely petrified. I assumed she was startled to see me at her house in the middle of the day and hurried over to reassure her.
"Mom, it's okay---"
She cut me of by grabbing me in a tight hug. I could feel her trembling in my arms and rubbed her back. I let her go so we could both step inside and shut the door. Mom looked me up and down, still clutching my arm.
"Dana, thank God you're all right, I was so worried..."
"I know this is kind of a surprise visit, Mom, I just needed to talk."
She frowned in confusion. "That's why you're here?"
"Yes...is there a problem?"
"No, of course not, honey, it's just that after Fox called here looking for you, I assumed the worst."
Now it was my turn to frown. "*Mulder* called you looking for me?"
"Yes, he said you were supposed to meet him somewhere and never showed up. He's looking everywhere for you, Dana, he was frantic. He said your cell phone was turned off and he couldn't imagine why."
I pulled away from Mom and walked into the living room, trying to hold on to the last vestiges of my anger to keep from drowning in guilt. <Damn it, you *know* better than to scare Mulder like that, no matter how impossible he's being...that was cruel.> I paused in the living room and shut my eyes to stop the tears. I was overwhelmed by memories of the last time I had stood in the living room, pointing my gun at Mulder...then at my mother, who had stepped in front of him. <"I told you, Mom, he's here to kill me...Mom, just get out of the way!"> Mulder had looked at me sadly, silently, after it had become obvious his words <"Scully, you are the *only* one I trust."> were not getting through to me. I had screamed at him, accused him of being part of the plot to abduct me and kill Melissa.
"Dana, honey...?" Mom came up behind me and put a hand on my shoulder. Once again, it was my first name that broke me, and I started sobbing. Mom turned me around and held me, murmuring soft words of comfort in my ear, rocking me back and forth. When I calmed down she looked into my face for a moment.
"This is about Fox, isn't it?"
I nodded, tears pooling in my eyes again.
"Dana, why did you run from him again?"
*Again* I had never considered the fact that this wasn't my first time running from Mulder. In these circumstances, yes...but I *had* avoided him before, if not to this extent. After he'd shot Schnauz, I'd brushed past him and walked away. I could barely handle him calling me "Dana" for God's sake. The first few times he'd done that, right after Ahab died, I'd flinched every time. He didn't try it again anytime soon. I shrugged and dropped down onto the couch, unable to answer my mother's question in words.
"Well, give me your coat and just relax here for awhile. Want me to make us some tea?"
God, she sounded like Mulder last night, offering me tea and sympathy. I bit my lip to stop it from quivering and shook my head.
"Will you at least let me call Fox and tell him you're okay?"
I nodded. I was going to have to face him eventually; in the meantime, easing his worries was the least I could do.
"Okay, then." She patted my shoulder as she walked by and I reached up and grabbed her hand and squeezed it.
"Mom, I'm sorry I scared you."
"I know, honey. Sometimes when we're upset we do things without thinking how it will affect others." She kissed the top of my head and left the room to call Mulder. I sighed and pressed my fingertips to my swollen eyes. I'd cried more in the past few days than any other time in recent memory, and it bothered me. Acting irrationally seemed to be the story of my life these days. I could hear her in the next room, despite the efforts she made to speak quietly. "Fox, it's Margaret Scully. Yes, she's here. Mmm-hmm, she just got here. No, she's fine. Yes, I promise. <Mulder asked Mom to *promise* I was okay?> Well, why don't you just go back to work and...no, I understand. That's fine, then. All right, Fox, I'll tell her. <Shit, he gave her a message for me?> Okay, goodbye."
My stomach started doing flip flops and I managed to restrain myself for two whole seconds after Mom walked back in and sat down next to me.
"What did Mulder say?"
"He's on his way here, he wants to see you."
"What..." I swallowed the lump in the throat, "...what did he want you to tell me?"
Mom looked at me sadly for a moment before she answered.
"That he loves you."
I felt my face crumple and tears start again. Part of me was so happy to hear that, while another, annoyed part of me thought, <God, Mulder, you couldn't have told me yourself? You had to get my *mother* to tell me?>
"Mom, everything is so messed up with Mulder and me..."
She pulled me into her arms and stroked my hair. <like Mulder...why does everything remind me of him?> Mom let me go and sat back to look at me.
"Do you love him, Dana?"
"Maybe...I don't know, Mom. I think so."
She raised her eyebrows, unsuccessfully hiding a small smile.
"You think so?"
I sighed. Never could get one past Mom.
"Yes, I love him. I'm *in* love with him. And please don't look so satisfied, Mom, it's not going as well as you might like."
"What happened?"
"I was having a bad day, and I called Mulder to talk. I would have called you, but..." I trailed off. How could I tell her that I chose not to confide in her because of our unspoken agreement not to discuss my work? Was there even such an agreement or was it all my doing? Would Mom be hurt that I had chosen Mulder over her? My mother reassured me by squeezing my hand.
"I know you don't tell me everything, Dana. I understand there are some things you only want to discuss with Fox."
I smiled my thanks at her and continued. "So we talked, you know, and I felt a lot better. It's always so hard for me to open up to anyone, but that night it was easier. Just him being there, holding me while I cried, helped me. We'd just finished this case---" I stopped at the change I saw in my mother's face. She was torn between wanting to stop me and wanting to be there for me. I continued as if I hadn't noticed, "It was a difficult one, and I was tired. Maybe so tired that I didn't know what I was doing..." I trailed off and looked down at my mother's hand in mine, not wanting to look at her.
"What did you do, honey?"
"I, um...kissed him. Or maybe he kissed me, I don't really remember. Well, whoever started it doesn't matter, we kissed each other for awhile." I felt my face burning and sneaked a glance up at Mom. She could barely contain her smile.
"Mom, please stop looking like the cat who ate the canary."
She made a serious attempt to sober up. "Sorry, sweetheart."
"So then Mulder got up, and suggested that I get some sleep. I hadn't been sleeping well lately, and he thought maybe I didn't know what I was doing."
"Did you?"
"Mom! Of course I did!"
"Okay," she crooned, stroking my hair again. I leaned into her hand, grateful for the caress. I sighed (for the millionth time, it felt like) and continued.
"I fell asleep in Mulder's bed---*alone*" I stressed, seeing the corners of her mouth quirk up, "And when I woke up, he had dinner ready."
Mom's eyebrows shot up and I thought how much we resembled each other with that one particular facial expression.
"Chinese," I said.
"Oh, I was wondering when Fox had learned to cook."
I laughed. "I had the same thought. It was really nice, Mom, he had wine and real plates. Which for Mulder is saying a lot."
"Sounds like a very romantic evening."
"It was...for awhile. We started kissing again, and really...got into it. Then I slid into the sink---"
There went her eyebrows again. "The sink?"
I felt myself grinning at the memory. "Yeah, it wouldn't have been so bad, except it was still full of water..."
"You mean, the kitchen sink like in that awful movie where they boiled the rabbit?"
"Yeah," I laughed, remembering that I had thought much the same thing. "Mulder boosted me up onto the counter, because he's so much taller than me, and I slid backwards into the sink while we were kissing."
"And he got upset?"
"No, not at that point. Not until I made a joke about how we couldn't even make out like normal people. Then the walls came up. He just took me home." I felt tears sting my eyes again. "He wouldn't even talk about it with me this morning, Mom, he just pretended it never happened."
"Did you give him a chance to talk about it?"
"He had all morning, all we did was do paperwork for Skinner until Mulder left. He said he had to run upstairs to pull some files for our new case, but later he called me from his phone and asked me to meet him somewhere. Then just as I was about to leave Skinner came in, and told me we don't *have* a new case yet. So Mulder lied to me. I just couldn't face him, Mom...so I came here."
"Without telling Fox?"
The tears spilled over and my voice cracked, "I was just so mad at him, Mom, for lying to me...and he *never* calls me when *he* goes running off somewhere. He just vanishes and leaves me to wonder. I wanted him to know what it felt like."
"I think he already does, honey," she said softly, and I knew she was referring to my abduction.
"I know," I answered, "And it was such a stupid thing to do, I didn't mean to be so cruel to him. Mulder frustrates me sometimes but this was not the way to let him know. He's going to be so angry..."
"He might understand if you *talked* to him, Dana." Mom suggested.
"It's so hard," I said, "Mulder puts his walls up and I can tell just by looking at his face that he's a million miles away."
"You do too, sometimes, honey."
"Yeah. We're both pretty good at that. Which is why a relationship with him would never work."
"You won't know that unless you try."
"I'd rather not try and not get hurt."
Mom tipped her head to the side and looked at me questioningly. "That doesn't sound like you, Dana. You have never been afraid to take chances."
"This is different, Mom. This could destroy both us."
"You're both stronger than that."
I shook my head. "I don't know, Mom. This scares me more than anything Mulder and I have ever been through. I could lose him forever because of this."
Our conversation ended just then with a knock on the door. My stomach immediately twisted into a knot and I convulsively squeezed Mom's hand. She rose from the couch and kissed the top of my head before pulling her hand from my grasp and going to answer the door. I heard her and Mulder exchange greetings as I huddled into a corner of the couch, wishing I could just crawl under the cushions and disappear. He walked into the room alone, warily, as if expecting me to be waiting with my gun again. I winced at the thought as he came over and sat down on the other end of the couch.
"Hi," he said softly.
"Hi," I whispered back.
"You all right?"
I nodded.
"Your mom left, she thought we needed some time."
I nodded again.
"What happened, Scully?"
I gulped. "I'm sorry, I just couldn't be there."
"Why not?"
"Mulder, why are you pretending that last night never happened?"
His eyes widened at the sudden change of topic. "Is *that* what this is about?"
"Yes. Among other things."
"Jesus Christ, Scully, I was out of my mind worrying about you---"
I cut him off coldly, hardly believing what I was saying, "You have a funny way of showing it."
"What the hell is *that* supposed to mean? I was frantic, you weren't answering your cell phone---"
"I'm surprised you even remember the number."
He stared at me, open-mouthed. "What is *wrong* with you?"
"Nothing," I replied icily, feeling my guilt dissipate as my anger renewed itself, "It's just that you don't often do me the courtesy of keeping me informed of your whereabouts."
"That's not true---"
"Mulder, it *is* and you know it! How many times have you run off somewhere, leaving me to cover your ass with Skinner? He came down to the office looking for you, and once *again* I had to inform him that I had no idea where you were. You weren't running upstairs to pull files for our new case because there *is* no new case!"
"So this little disappearing act was your way of getting back at me for making you look stupid in front of Skinner?"
"No!"
"Then what was it, Scully? Some new mind game?"
"I have *never* played mind games with you, Mulder."
"Oh, bullshit. That's what they sent you to the basement to do, isn't it? Fuck with my mind?"
I flinched at the reference to our first meeting, when Mulder had accused me of being a spy. That was their intent, but it didn't turn out that way. I was on *his* side. Didn't he know that by now?
"Mulder, you know---"
He rose and towered over me, glaring. "I don't know anything, Scully! Right now I feel like I don't even know *you*. The Dana Scully *I* know would *never* have pulled a dumb stunt like this! Childish games have never been your style." He turned and stalked angrily to the door. I got to my feet, anxious to stop him from leaving in the middle of this quarrel. I always hated not being able to resolve a conflict with Mulder. I called out to him in a way I knew would freeze him in his tracks.
"Fox!"
It worked. He stopped, paused. Then turned back to me, his face still dark with anger. His eyes narrowed.
"I told you NEVER to call me that! I'm leaving. Just stay away from me for awhile, Scully." He turned again to go, then paused with his hand on the doorknob. I hurried over, hoping he would stay and hear me out. He pulled something from his pocket.
"Oh, by the way," he snarled, "You're right, I lied about there being a new case. I wasn't at the library, I was out getting you *this*." Something hit me in the face, then dropped to the floor. I leaned over to pick it up. It was a peach rose wrapped in tissue paper. It was crushed from being jammed in Mulder's pocket. I stared at it, in shock.
"Mulder--"
He didn't hear me. He'd already
left and slammed the door.
~*End*~
Well, it's not as nerve-wracking
as the last ending, right? Thanks to everyone who told me I was evil
for doing that. I took it as a compliment. :) Feedback, kudos
and candy bars welcome.