US 4: ALL THE PLACES WE WERE HIDING
LOVE 4/5
By: Jennifer Maurer
"I stood in this unsheltered place
Till I could see the face behind
the face
All that had gone before had
left no trace
Seeing things that were not there
On a wing on a prayer
In this state of disrepair
Down by the railway siding
In our secret world we were colliding
In all the places we were hiding
love
What was it we were thinking
of?"
--Peter Gabriel,
"Secret World"
I slammed the door hard enough to bring down the house and stomped down the front steps. I was livid, I couldn't *believe* that Scully had it in her to act so childish. Running off like that just to prove her point---whatever the hell it was. Without a word to me! Leaving me to worry about her like that! I was also hurt in a very unprofessional way, but I wasn't prepared to acknowledge *those* feelings just yet.
<But isn't that what you do to her, run off?> my conscience prompted me. No, I argued with myself, with me it's totally different. <Why is it different?> Never mind. I dug in my pocket for my keys, mumbling curses under my breath.
"Fox?"
I whirled around, prepared to lay into Scully for using my first name again. Instead I came face to face with a worried Mrs. Scully. I struggled to control my temper and remain polite.
"Hi."
"Where's Dana?"
"Still inside. I have to go, Mrs. Scully."
"So soon? Did you get a chance to talk to her?"
I snorted. "We exchanged words, yes. How much communicating was done, I really couldn't say."
Mrs. Scully sighed and walked over to me. "Come on, Fox," she said, taking my hand.
"Mrs. Scully, I think Dana and I just need some space from each other right now..."
"We're not going back inside, we're going for a walk. No arguments, now." She tugged on my hand and I obediently followed her to the sidewalk. As we started away from the house, she glanced back over her shoulder. Looking for Scully, no doubt. I refused to look, not wanting to even give Scully the satisfaction of seeing me look for her.
Mrs. Scully released my hand after we'd walked a bit, apparently satisfied that I wasn't going to run away. I crooked my arm and tucked her hand under my elbow. I'd always admired that gentlemanly gesture in the movies, and was rewarded with a smile from Scully's mother. We walked a little further in silence.
"Fox..."
"There's no excuse for the way Dana acted, Mrs. Scully, no matter how upset she was with me. You of all people should understand that."
"I do, Fox. If I hadn't been so relieved to see her myself I would have been angry, too. She didn't mean to scare you."
"Then why? Why would Dana, who's normally the most level-headed person I know, not show up for a meeting with me *and* cut off all means of communication? She *never* turns off her cell phone."
"She didn't think you would ever lie to her, Fox," Mrs. Scully said in a soft, reproachful voice.
I gaped. "Lie? I would *never* lie to Scully..."
She gave me a searching look. "Didn't you tell her you had to work on your new case?"
I winced. <*My* new case, not *our* new case. I deserved that, unintentional as it may have been.> "Oh...that. Okay, I admit, there wasn't a new case."
"What was going on?"
I paused, slightly embarrassed. Then I wondered why I was embarrassed. Hell, Mrs. Scully had seen me do stranger things than this.
"I was, um, out buying flowers for Dana."
Her eyebrows shot up. "Flowers?" she asked, a delighted grin spreading over her face.
"Yeah," I admitted sheepishly. "A single rose. I, uh, kind of tossed it at Dana before I stomped out."
"You're both under a lot of stress,
Fox, a little fighting is understandable. Oh, I'm so relieved, this
was all just a misunderstanding. You two just need to calm down and
everything will get back to normal."
"I'm not so sure about that, Mrs.
Scully."
Her gaze swung back around to me. "What do you mean?"
"Well, um..." I hedged, not wanting to go into too many of the gory details, "Soon after the case, Dana called me, crying. She'd been having nightmares, she hadn't slept in two nights. I picked her up at a schoolyard, she'd been wandering around alone in the middle of the night."
Mrs. Scully frowned. "That doesn't sound like Dana."
"I know," I answered, "That's what has me worried. Don't get me wrong, Mrs. Scully, I'm glad that Dana felt she could turn to me. But she's not...acting like herself."
Mrs. Scully sighed sadly. "I know." She glanced up at me, searching my face. "Dana doesn't open up often, does she?"
I felt myself color, somewhat embarrassed by the question. I knew Mrs. Scully wasn't accusing me. She didn't have to. I'd already beat her to it.
"No, not really. It's always 'I'm fine, Mulder.' I try..."
"I know you do, Fox, I didn't mean it like that." She sighed. "I worry about Dana sometimes, keeping everything bottled up."
"I do, too." I answered. We walked in silence for awhile. I remembered my conversation with Scully the night before last, when she talked about hiding from her pain in madness. That had been such an uncharacteristic statement from her. She *wasn't* being herself. Steady, logical Scully...wanting to lose control? Unthinkable.
"Dana's always been this way, as long as I can remember," Mrs. Scully began, "Even when she was a little girl she acted like a grown-up. It was especially odd since she was the youngest. Melissa always wore her heart on her sleeve, and Dana was just the opposite. I used to be grateful for that, Dana was much easier to handle. Now...now I almost wish she would get emotional."
"The stoicism I'm used to," I said, "And the crying doesn't throw me, even Dana needs to let go once in awhile. But just taking off like that, without a word...it's almost like she *wanted* to hurt me, Mrs. Scully. Dana's been angry at me many times, but never like this."
"She's not really at angry at *you* Fox, more at herself. That way she forgets about being afraid and she thinks you won't notice her fear, either. She hates to lose control."
"Don't I know it." I paused, wondering if I should even be asking the next question, then decided I would. "Why is she like this?"
Mrs. Scully answered, "You know that Dana's father was in the Navy, so we moved around a lot. Melissa and the boys loved it, they looked on it as a new adventure every time. Dana was different, she hated moving. It was hard, too, because Dana worshipped her father, yet it was because of him that we always moved."
"That would be tough on a kid," I interjected, not knowing what else to say.
"She handled it well, though," Mrs. Scully continued with a small smile of pride, "Melissa and I fought, oh, all the time. She was so impetuous. Dana was the peacemaker. I suppose it kept her mind off her own loneliness."
"Whatever works," I said, thinking of all the ways I'd tried to distract myself after Samantha vanished.
"It never seemed detrimental, and Dana was so well-liked as a child, I never gave it a second thought. I guess I assumed she'd grow out of it. I think it's gotten worse, though, in light of...recent events."
"You mean her abduction," I said quietly. Mrs. Scully nodded.
"That, and Melissa's death," she answered, her lips quivering, "Those things scared her, because she couldn't control them. Dana would rather be angry than scared."
I thought back to our exchange a short while ago. Scully hadn't snapped at me that sarcastically since Comity. If her anger increased equal to her fear, what did that say about *our* relationship? Was she just skittish because of the new corner we seemed about to turn, or was it something else? When we had been investigating those subliminal TV signals, Scully had run from me, convinced that I'd betrayed her. We determined later that the signals brought one's worst nightmare to life. If my betrayal was Scully's worst nightmare, did that mean she expected it to happen one day? My heart hurt at the thought. I forced myself to ask the question.
"Mrs. Scully, do you think Dana is afraid of me?"
She looked up at me, surprised. "Oh, Fox, no. How could you think such a thing? Because of that incident when she..."
"No, although that did cross my mind. I know Scully wasn't herself when that happened. But she did have the fear somewhere, it was just brought to her conscious mind, right?"
"Oh, no. Dana isn't afraid of *you*, Fox, you mustn't think that."
"Then what is she afraid of?" I asked plaintively.
Mrs. Scully stopped in her tracks and looked up at me. "You really don't know?"
I shook my head.
"She *loves* you, Fox. That's what scares her."
I felt torn in half by Mrs. Scully's revelation. Somewhere inside I'd known it all along, and yet it also felt like I'd just figured everything out. I was happy that Scully loved me but sad and hurt that it seemed to inspire such fear in her. I wanted to run back to the house and sweep her into my arms but I was afraid, too.
"Are you sure?" I asked, my head spinning.
"Yes," Mrs. Scully answered, "Dana told me today. But I've known for awhile."
Now I was the one to stop in my tracks. I stared down at Mrs. Scully, astonished. "How long have you known? And *how* did you know?"
She smiled at my expression. "I'm Dana's mother, Fox, and mothers just know these things." The smile faded from her face as she continued, "Dana would speak of you often, and I'd wonder. I knew for sure when you were lost in New Mexico..."
I winced, thinking of what Scully must have been going through. As far as she'd known, I was dead, burned up in a fire. When I'd returned to her, she'd given me a look that just about stopped my heart, but we never said anything about it. She had "just known" I was all right, that's all I ever got out of her.
"What happened?" I asked, curious again.
Mrs. Scully sighed. "She was called into Skinner's office and suspended, as you know. After that she walked to my house."
"She *walked*?"
"Yes. When she got here she started crying, saying that she'd made a terrible mistake, that her father would have been ashamed of her."
My heart went out to Scully, who I knew had joined the FBI over her father's reservations. For her to say something like that meant she was feeling a tremendous amount of guilt.
"What was the mistake?"
Mrs. Scully looked at me evenly before replying, "Letting you go on alone."
I was silent for a moment. Mrs. Scully continued, "She cried all night, Fox. She thought you were dead because she'd let you down. Her heart was broken. When you came back alive, I thought for sure that Dana would tell you how she felt about you...but I was wrong."
"I had no idea...well, maybe I did. But I couldn't believe that Scully..." I trailed off, at a loss for words.
"Fox, when I called you to let you know that Dana was all right, you asked me to tell her you loved her, remember?"
Did I ever. I'd been tearing around DC looking for Scully, having nightmare visions of her being ripped away from me again, when I'd gotten the call, telling me she was all right. So much like the call I'd gotten that morning when Scully had awoken from her coma and come back to me. I was so happy she was alive, remembering also a call I'd once gotten to come down and possibly ID her body, that I'd just blurted that out to Mrs. Scully and hung up to come rushing over. I'd forgotten about that until now.
"Yes."
"I've hoped that you returned Dana's feelings for you, Fox. When she was so sick I thought you might, but I wasn't sure. You *do* love her, don't you?"
I gulped. "Yes, Mrs. Scully, I do. I love Dana."
She smiled in relief. "I'm glad. You two are both so stubborn I was wondering if you'd ever admit it."
"I think we're *both* a little spooked. I mean, Scully and I have cared about each other for years, but this...this is different."
Mrs. Scully nodded. "Dana said the same thing. Being in love means being vulnerable, and I don't think either of you do that very well. Dana was hurt so badly by Jack Willis, and I know you've had your disappointments, too."
"I would *never* hurt Dana, Mrs. Scully."
"I know that, and so does Dana. But Fox, you two have to stop running from each other."
"I'm not the one that's been running," I protested.
"Not this time, maybe, but you have been known to...go off without Dana before," Mrs. Scully delicately hinted.
"I only do that to protect her, and---"
She interrupted me, "Dana doesn't *want* to be protected, Fox. She had the same training you did, she's perfectly capable of looking out for herself. That's not what she needs you for."
"Then what?"
"She wants to be *loved*. I don't think anyone understands you two like you understand each other."
"That's true," I admitted.
"All right, one more thing, Fox, and then I can freely bestow a mother's blessing upon you and my daughter. Now that we understand each other, can you look me in the eye and *promise* me you won't leave her, ever again?"
I'm ashamed to admit now that I hesitated. Of course it would be an easy thing to *say* but I knew if I made this promise and then later broke it, I would never be forgiven by either Dana or her mother. I had tried Scully's patience enough already with my constant flights. A promise like that would keep me here, no question. And I knew how I get sometimes, when I think the truth is within my grasp. Nothing had ever stopped me before. Did I want to let a promise stop me in the future? I stopped, turned to face Mrs. Scully, and placed a hand over my heart.
"I promise. I won't run off without Dana ever again. But," I continued with a small smile, "I can't promise I won't run off and drag her along with me."
Mrs. Scully smiled back and said, "That's only what she wants from you. Now, let's get back to the house so you two can work this out."
I walked along beside Mrs. Scully with an unusual spring in my step, as corny as that sounds. I felt better about this whole thing for the first time since Scully has teased me about making out like "normal" people. I'd overreacted to that, and pushed her away, as usual. She'd only responded in kind. Well, that kind of thing would come to an end, starting now, I decided. Our experiences together had taught us both that nothing should be taken for granted. Tragedy can strike at anytime. <No more stalling> I vowed to myself, <not by me, and not by her.>
We rounded the corner and I was disappointed to see that Scully's car was no longer parked in front of her mother's house. We walked up the front steps and went inside. The house was empty, Scully had left.
"She probably went home, why don't you try and catch her there," Mrs. Scully said.
"Yeah, I think I---" I was cut off my the cheeping of my cell phone. Mrs. Scully arched her eyebrows and smiled, obviously expecting it to be Dana. I answered it, hoping she was right.
"Mulder."
"Hi."
"Scully!" I exclaimed, a smile spreading across my face to match Mrs. Scully's. "Your mom and I were just talking about you."
"Yes, I thought as much," she said a trifle sourly. "Mom likes to play matchmaker."
"Well, it wasn't like that, really..." I trailed off, wondering if she was going to get hostile again. I supposed I'd be a little annoyed if *my* mom had taken Scully for a walk to discuss intimate details of my life. <If she'd been so concerned, though, she could've come after us> I thought.
"Oh, I think it was," she answered, "But that's not why I'm calling. I wanted to apologize for scaring you like I did. It was thoughtless of me and I'm sorry."
A pause. Silence. That was it? That's all she had to say to me? Nice apology, Scully, but isn't there anything else, I thought to myself. I cleared my throat. More silence. Okay, if she wasn't going to reach out then I was just going to have to.
"Scully, we need to talk." Mrs. Scully perked up considerably at my words, mouthed something I couldn't understand, and waved goodbye to me. I smiled and waved back, waiting for Scully to answer me.
She sighed quietly. "What's left to say, Mulder?"
The resignation and defeat in her voice startled me. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I'd never seen Scully run from anything, and I was hurt that she could brush me aside with so little regret.
"There's a *lot* left to say," I answered forcefully, as I walked to my car, "This is not over, not by a long shot. In the first place, we're not giving up on a four year partnership just because of a misunderstanding. So, if you were entertaining any thoughts of transferring out of the X-Files, you can forget it."
"I have no intention of transferring, Mulder, but this is more than a misunderstanding, and I---"
I cut her off, "It's just a different *kind* of misunderstanding, that's all, and we'll work it out like we have all the others." I slammed the car door and turned on the ignition.
"How, Mulder? *How* will we work this one out? The lines of communication between us have completely broken down!"
"Scully, that's not true. We just have to sit down together and take some time with this. We know how we feel about each other now---"
"Yes, we do, Mulder, and let's examine how we found that out. My *mother* had to *explain* it to us. Let's face it, we suck at communicating on a personal level. Look at the time we've wasted already running around each other in circles. This is just who we are, Mulder, and I don't think either of us is going to change."
I was shocked equally by the sentiment as well as Scully's language. When was the last time I'd heard her talk like that? <Try never.> This conversation was not conducive to safe driving but I was determined to get to Scully and make her face me as soon as possible.
"You don't believe that," I said, and it wasn't a question, "We *can* change, we've *already* changed. Scully, from that first day you walked into my office, something changed. I...learned to trust someone again. Not all at once, but it happened. I'd like to think I've had some effect on you as well."
"You have, Mulder. You know you have."
I blew out a long sigh of relief at her quiet answer. "Good. I'm on my way to your place even as we speak. The running and hiding stops now, Scully."
"Why this sudden change, Mulder? You weren't at all interested in discussing this last night, or this morning."
"I know. I'm an asshole, I'm sorry. It's just that...I never used to mind being abnormal, until now."
She chuckled softly, "Mulder, you're not abnormal."
"Maybe not," I replied, "But I guess I am a little nervous."
"Me, too. I said some things I didn't mean."
"I did, too. Look, Dana, neither one of us is used to anything like this. But I believe in us; it's one of the few things I have an unshakable faith in. We can solve this like we do our cases---by working together. I'm almost at your building, will I be admitted or should I try the fire escape?"
Another soft laugh. "As appealing as the sight of you scaling a fire escape for me would be, I think you should just come up the elevator."
"Okay, see you soon," I answered, and disconnected.
Once I'd hung up my cell phone and could devote my full attention to the road, I of course drove even faster. I’d peeled out going to Scully before, but this had the potential to be the most important meeting of our lives. As I dodged through traffic I remembered all the other frantic drives to get to her. Flying over to that devil-worshipping high school, after what I thought was a frantic phone call from her for help. Dashing back to her apartment after I’d found her necklace in Tooms’ lair, knowing she was going to be his next victim. And the worst one of all, driving and praying desperately that I’d get to her in time after her screams for help on my answering machine. That had been my one miss, Duane Barry. Too late that time.
<Don’t think like that. She isn’t in any danger, and you two have always been able to work things out. This time will be no different.> I rounded the final corner and screeched up in front of her building. I took several deep breaths as I turned off the car. <Okay, Mulder, it’s the moment of truth. Get up there.>
I took the stairs two at a time, too jumpy to wait for the elevator. I burst through the stairway door and bounded down the hall, counting down the apartment numbers in my head. I skidded to a halt, my hand half-raised, ready to knock. I felt like my entire future waited for me behind that apartment door.
<That may not be too far from
the truth> I thought, as I rapped on her door.
End
Wow, aren't you all wondering how *this* conversation is going to turn out? Mucho gracias and a big smooch to Leyla and Sabine who helped me fix the boo-boos.