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Deep Thoughts
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis
Horrible Pick up Lines
I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
My name's [your name]That's so you know what to scream later.
Are you free tonight or will it cost me?
Brrr! My hands are cold. Can I warm them in your heaving breasts?
Excuse me, miss, do you give head to strangers? No. Well, then, allow me to introduce myself.
Go up to a girl in a bar, and slip your arm around her, and say, "Hi Laura!" She says, "I'm not Laura!" And you say, as your hand slips a little lower, "But you sure feel like her!"
Ask: "Do you know what winks and fucks like a tiger?" (No.) Wink.
Do you like short love affairs? I hate them. I've got all weekend.
Marion Barry Quotes of the Week
"People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn't break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? WOULD IT!?!"
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
"I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man."
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
"I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600's. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican."
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
"What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?"
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
"The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist."
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
"The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice."
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
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