Jokes 12

A traveler wandering and lost in the desert, desperate for water, saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the something, only to find a little old peddler sitting at a card table with a bunch of ties laid out for sale. The parched wanderer asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?" The man replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your clothes." The desperate man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!" "OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want." The man walked toward the hill and eventually disappeared out of sight. Three hours later he returned. The man at the card table asked, "I told you about 5 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?" "I found it all right, but they wouldn't let me in without a tie."

Jokes 13

A Good Blonde Joke

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very
attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single
roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude."

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and
yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and
down and hugged each of the dealers.

She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men

Rules For Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally
one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole
and keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.
Course owners are permitted to check the shaft for firmness before play
begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the
club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary
until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to
do so may result in being denied permission to play on the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole
immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take
time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed
bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played
or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played.
Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for
this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been
properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the
first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they
discover someone else is playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all
times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course is
temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this
situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of
play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission
before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared
to proceed at quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course
owner's request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to
play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best
player. *HINT- Players are advised to think twice before considering
membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the owner
and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer
to continue to play several different courses.

It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs." "Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble! ...and Suzuki said, "The Taliban! 2001."

Genital Trivia

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than "going blind!")
*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who then pay them for the privilege. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (This was a big enough problem that they had to pass a law? Stay away from Bolivia!)
*~*~*~*~*
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig)
*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing)
*~*~*~*~*
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hummm. I won't touch THAT one!)
*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of? Did the government pay for this research?)
*~*~*~*~*
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I STILL want to be a pig; quality over quantity)
*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that, too.)

Wash. Biol. Surv.

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on
the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to
tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the
address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated:

Wash. Biol. Surv.

until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas
camper:

"Dear Sirs:

While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was
a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I
want to tell you, it was horrible."

The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

Subject: Proud to be a BAD American!!

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.

I am George Carlin.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some
midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it
away to crack addicts squirting out babies.

I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!

I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T
or Marilyn Manson sang.

I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.

I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.

I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in
English.

I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for
unpopular opinions or actions.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment
than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill
to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be
enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God.

My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr.
Quinn, Medicine Woman.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now,
when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years
in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches
or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut-the-#$%!-up
already.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse
Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part
of the problem and not the solution.

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're
running from them.

I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are
breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want
you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation the world for
the next four years.

I hate those bastards standing in the intersections trying to sell me
crap or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause. These
people should be targets.

I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license
should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise
to never delay the rest of us again.

I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes
two parents.

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please
don't pretend they are a political statement.

I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.

I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the
mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex
for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United
States.

If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.

If you too are a BAD American please forward this to everyone you
know. We need our country back!

Folks, Who is the most famous skier in the United States? Picabo Street? Albetro Tomba? Phil Mahre? Tommy Moe? Jean Claude Kiley? Billy Kidd? Franz Klammer? Eddie the Eagle? Bill Johnson? It's none of them. Nobody knows his name. It's the ski jumper who crashed every week on ABC's Wide World of Sports when they say "the agony of defeat". Just in case Regis Philburn asks you, it was a Yugoslavian jumper named Vinko Bogataj. Bogataj's spill off the jump ramp never happened during a Wide World of Sports show. It was during the 1970 European Ski Jumping Championships at Obersdorf, West Germany. Wide World of Sports happened to be in Yugoslavia that day covering another event. The ABC producer saw the spill on Eurovision TV and told Jim McKay "you wouldn't believe what I just saw, but I'm putting it in our opening". From 1961 through 1970 the opening of Wide World of Sports kept changing both "the thrill of victory" and "the agony of defeat" action shots. Since 1970, Vinko Bogataj's fall was never replaced, but the "victory" scene was constantly updated. In 1981, Bogataj was flown by ABC to visit America for the first time. It was to participate in the Wide World of Sports 20th aniversary banquet in the New York City Waldorf-Astoria ballroom. Up until then, he had no idea he was so famous. In fact, his standing ovation was greater than any other athlete. Even Muhammad Ali. Now, some facts I learned. Vinko Bogataj recieved a broken ankle and a concusion in the fall. But he recovered enough to jump in competition a week later. He fully healed, got married, had two daughters, and later coached jumpers in his town's ski club. The "agony of defeat" had little negative effect on general skiing in America. But, it virtualy killed junior ski jumping in the USA and even Canada. Mothers "just said no". The Wide World of Sports 40th Anniversary Show will shown April 29th. The show began when there were only three networks, it was black and white, and it showed events that were, at best, a week old. It stopped being a weekly show in 1997. It brought literally hundreds of sports from around the world into the homes of Americans, not the least of which was skiing. Both men and women's ski races, in both nordic and alpine were shown, often for the first time on network TV. The FIS World Cup was in fact, first proposed by Wide World of Sports ski announcer Bob Beattie as a TV package for alpine skiing. Bill Koch was later used to cover cross country races. In 1964 ABC decided to present the Winter Olympics as an expanded Wide World of Sports, using the same people on and off camera. The production quality was so high, it forever changed sports broadcasting around the world. From then on, if ABC and Jim McKay didn't do the Olmypics, critics wished they did.

HAPPY EASTER!!!!!

After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a
prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a
brightly colored one.
A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the colored eggs, then
stormed outside and killed the peacock.

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body
hurts wherever she touches it.

Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She
pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so goes
on.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"

She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

Two Jewish guys are walking down the street when they happen by a
Baptist church. They see a big sign posted that says, "join our church
and you get fifty dollars".

One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend
turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?"

"Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it."

Abe says, "What are you, crazy?"

Murray thinks for a minute and says,
" Abe, I'm going to do it. The kids need shoes and I have to put food
on the table." With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church
and comes out an hour later with a wet forehead.

"So," asks Abe, "did you get your fifty dollars?"

Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think of?"

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart. 7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
16. Don't squat with your spurs on.
17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
20. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes of bad judgment.
22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
24. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
25. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
30. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume, turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destiny and is about to get off the elevator.
Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, bends over, and farts... "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

Actual medical records as dictated by physicians...

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983

Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then,
When he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr.
Blank to dispose of him.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which
Gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane
Ran out of gas and crashed.

Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would
Like to work her up.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

Subject: Travel Agent Horror Stories

Why stupid people shouldn't be allowed to travel.

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:

I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get
Messed up by being near the window.

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started
To explain the length of the flight and the passport information then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but
Capetown is in Massachusetts."
Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained,
"Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response
.... Click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what
Was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England From Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in
Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I
Heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.
I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said," No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to
California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of
Those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a
Commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look,
I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my
American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to
Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in
The country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

MEMO TO: All Hospital Staff
FROM: Administration/Groundskeeper
SUBJECT: New Cost Cutting Measures

Effective January 1 this hospital will no longer provide security. Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the park areas.
In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance duties. The unit secretary will be responsible for watching cardio and security monitors as well as continuing previous secretarial duties.
Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to let their families know to bring something, or may make arrangements with Subway, Domino's, etc., before mealtime. Coin-operated telephones will be available in the patient rooms for this purpose as well as for other calls the patient may wish to make.
Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range-of-motion exercise as well as a clean environment. Family-members and friends of patients and ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean the room of non-ambulatory patients for special discounts on their final bills. Time cards will be provided.
As you can see on the "FROM" line above, administration is assuming grounds keeping duties. If an administrator cannot be reached by calling his/her office it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawn mower, weed whacker, etc.
Engineering is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the TIME-LIFE "How to..." series of maintenance books. These books can be checked out from administration, and a toolbox will be standard equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on Basic Wiring, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best as you can until the appropriate volume arrives.
Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing blood-related lab tests on patients who are already bleeding.
Physicians will be informed that they may order no more the two x-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time required by Eckerd's photo lab. Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra sets.
Eckerd's will also honor competitors' coupons for one-hour processing in the emergency situations, so if you come across any coupons, please clip them and send them to the ER.
In light of the extremely hot summer temperature the electric company has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room, office, etc., so that the electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in the hospital gift shop.
In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for the collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor. Families, patients, and the few remaining employees are encouraged to contribute discarded produce. The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by the pharmacy for nocosomial production of antibiotics. These antibiotics will also be available for purchase through the hospital pharmacy and will, coincidentally, soon be the only antibiotics listed on the HMOs' formulary

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch
Bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?" he asked.
"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."
"Could I see him?"
He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. The friend says,
"I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing.
Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"

Chinese Proverbs ....

Virginity like bubble, one prick - all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong; man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right; war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, only one screw to fill it.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic".
Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent
movie. For example, most people don't know that back in 1912
Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The "Titanic"
was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery
in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for
the great ship after New York City.

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were
disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a
National Day of Mourning which they still observer today.

It is known, of course, as .............Sinko de Mayo

I contacted an old friend via email last week, and I asked her how her husband was. She wrote back saying that they "were still marred." Should I ask her to clarify that?

In American advertising, the idea is to suspend intelligence long enough to extract money from it.

So, Moses was talking with God, and suddenly says, "Wait, wait, wait, wait a minute. See if I have this right: You mean they get to keep all the oil, and we have to cut off the tips of our what?"

So, the waiter says to the elderly Jewish couple, "Is anything all right?"

My co-worker was complaining about the lamentable quality of single available men to date. She said whenever goes out with someone these days, she thinks to herself, "Is this the man my children will be spending their weekends with?"

I was at the post office the week before Valentine's Day this past February, and noticed a man off to the side stuffing his business cards into thousands of pretty lavender envelopes covered with hearts. I approached and said, "Hi, that's quite a few Valentine's cards you're sending off. What sort of work do you do?" He replied, "I'm a divorce attorney."

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