| Mergers: Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker. 3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood. John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da. Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home. Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine, All Mine. Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization for Women merge to become Knott NOW. |
| A
collection of documentation statements actually found on
patient's charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals including (we are afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. The skin was moist and dry. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week. Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. She is numb from her toes down. Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot. While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. Coming from Detroit, this man has no children. Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress. Patient was alert and unresponsive. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. Previous surgery...sea section (Sounds like something Moses did on departure from Egypt) Previous surgery...gold bladder (conflicts of interest between surgery and pathology) This patient with chronic back problems and multiple operations is somewhat less than fully gruntled |
| An update from College
Station, TX - home of the UT "Aggies"... "Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards: Januark, Februark, March,
April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September,
October, November, December.
|
| A
wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified
to find her husband in bed naked, with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house her husband stopped her with these words: "Honey, before you leave, I want you to hear how all this came about." The wife stopped to listen. He continued, "I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast you didn't like in the refrigerator. She had only some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of shoes you had discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday - the one you never wore because the colors didn't suit you. Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now." The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered. "That's all fine and good," she said, "but why did I find you both in our bed with NO clothes on?" The husband replied, "Well, that's simple ... see, as she was about to leave the house she turned to me and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore??" |
| Kitchen Humor (things
you find on Cross Stitched Plaques) --------------------------------------------------------- A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen And This Kitchen Is Delirious No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to Be amused. A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life Help Keep the Kitchen Clean - Eat Out Housework Done Properly Can Kill You Countless Numbers Of People Have Eaten In This Kitchen and Gone On To Lead Normal Lives My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines and a pay phone :o) |
| Learn
Chinese in 5 Minutes English phrase Chinese Interpretation Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding? See me A.S.A.P. Kum Hia Nao Stupid Man. Dum Gai Small Horse. Tai Ni Po Ni Your price is too high!! No Bai Dam Ting!! Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan? I bumped into a coffee table. Ai Bang Mai Ni I think you need a facelift. Chin Tu Fat It's very dark in here. Wai So Dim? Has your flight been delayed? Hao Long Wei Ting? That was an unauthorized execution. Lin Ching I thought you were on a diet. Wai Yu Mun Ching? This is a tow away zone. No Pah King Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?> You are not very bright. Yu So Dum I got this for free. Ai No Pei |
| TWENTY-FIVE
THINGS I HAVE LEARNED IN FIFTY YEARS 1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it. 2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time. 3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor. Kum Hia Nao 4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment. Dum Gai 5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment 6. A penny saved is worthless. 7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies. 8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. 9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers. 10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11. 11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." 12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 13. There apparently exists, somewhere in
Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for
television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new
concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting
through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out,
"THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE
LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn
this concept into a show. The next time they need an
idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT
ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," spits
out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING
IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this
computer and destroy it with a sledgehammer. 21. A person who is nice to you,
but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. 23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. 24. Your friends love you anyway. 25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. -- Dave Barry - The Miami Herald |
| Men's Quote of the
Day: "Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache." Women's Quote of the Day: "Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something we'd like to have dinner with." When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things- chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with. Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, the nephew returned. "How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle. "It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?" If a ram is a ram, and an ass is an ass, how come a ram in the ass is a goose? Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. -- Dave Barry What's the difference between men and pigs? ...Pigs don't turn into men when they drink. Offerings had been down the past several Sundays and the preacher decided he had to do something to change the trend. The next Sunday, as the plate was being passed he said... "Brothers and Sisters, I don't like to have to do this, but there is a man in the congregation who is having an affair with another parishioner's wife, and if there is not at least five dollars in the collection, I will reveal his name. Later, as he counted the money he found 2O five dollar bills, and a two dollar bill with a note that read "Forever hold your peace, I'll have that other three dollars before sundown." I once found a throw rug in a catch basin. When will all the rhetorical questions end? Bumper Sticker: If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you. Studies show that 100% of those who advocate abortion are people who already have been born. |
| Texas
Truths "It's So Hot In Texas That......" {I can relate to that! Argh!} *The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground. *The potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper. *Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs. "It's So Dry In Texas That..." *The cows are giving evaporated milk. *The trees are whistlin' for the dogs. *A sad Texan once prayed, "I wish it would rain - not so much for me, cuz I've seen it - but for my 7-year-old." *A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?" A rancher quickly answered "Yes, it does. Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?" The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood." "Well," the rancher puffed up, we got 'bout two and a half inches of that." "You Know You're In Texas When..." *You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water... *You can say 110 degrees without fainting... *You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off... *You can make instant sun tea... *You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron... *The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly... *You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car... *You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window... *You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance... *Hot water now comes out of both taps... *It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets... *You actually burn your hand opening the car door... *You break a sweat the instant you step outside... at 7:30 a.m. before work... *No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning... *Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?..." *You realize that asphalt has a liquid state... |
| Have
a Seat by Bill Carrell Memphis, Tennessee, USA One day in Japan, during the early days of the occupation following World War II, two of my friends and I boarded a train. After I sat down, I noticed that only the men were seated. All the women with all their baggage and babies on their backs were attempting to keep their balance by hanging onto the overhead straps. When an older woman boarded with several heavy packages, I started to give her my seat. But before she could move, a young man pushed his way in and took the seat. Without thinking, I just grabbed him by the collar and hoisted him to his feet. Then I took the woman's elbow and directed her to sit down. As we say, I was "on a roll" and I simply reached for the next man. I assisted him to his feet also and gave his seat to a woman. We three looked at each other, grinned, and all together started for number three. But he did not wait. He jumped to his feet, and I thought momentarily he might start a fight -- in the heat of the moment I had probably gone too far. But I was only 20, and in those days servicemen could get away with almost anything. Suddenly another stood up, then another and another, until every man on the train was standing and every woman was seated. Everyone acted as if it were the most natural thing in the world. No one spoke. One very old man gave his seat to a little girl. Forty years later, after spending 15 years as a missionary in Japan and later working in the States for nearly 20 years as a computer programmer, I was back in Japan visiting with my son Stephen. By that time he had received a Masters in Missions, and was back in Japan himself as a missionary. The event on the train was far from my thoughts as we visited in the home of a Christian lady in the northern part of Tokyo. To pass the time I thought it might be interesting to tell some of our experiences from the great War. She explained that as the war was ending, the Japanese government, trying to sustain the will to fight, warned that if Americans invaded Japan they would rape all the women. "But one day", she said, "three Americans got on a train and made all the men stand up and let the women sit down. We knew then that we had nothing to fear from the Americans." I was dumbfounded. She had not even been born when that happened. She had heard it from a television anchorman who had been a boy on that train and told the story one day on the air. I felt certain we had been the perpetrators. Perhaps he was the one I had pulled to his feet. It had been almost a prank on our part. Yet it still affects people to this day. |
| MORE - NEW WORDS ---------------- Arachnoleptic Fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidently walked through a spider web. Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and can't be cast out. Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. Decaflon (n.) The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly. Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've be abducted and experimented on. Also known as ETry. Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence, faunacatering (n.) which had made a meal of many species. Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex. Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where arts companies without funding dwell. Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world. Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come for a visit. Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep. |
| A guy goes into the
store and says to the clerk, "I would like some Polish Sausage." The clerk looks at him and says "Are you Polish?" The guy says "Well, yes I am. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican?" The clerk says "Well, no." The guys says "WELL, why do you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?" The clerk says, "Because this is a hardware store." ----------------- A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of heaven. Others, though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan, "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?" "Ah, those," Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Walla Walla. They're too wet to burn yet." ------------ Q: What's the difference between a normal zoo and a Cajun zoo? A: In a normal zoo, you have a plaque next to the cage, with the animal's common name and Latin name. In a Cajun zoo, you have a plaque next to the cage, with the animal's common name, it's Latin name, and the recipe for how to cook it. |
| This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles. Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments. The first commandment was when Eve told adam to eat the apple. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone." It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony. |
| How To Impress a Woman compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, support her, stand by her, buy flowers for her, go to the ends of the earth for her....... How To Impress a Man show up naked. Bring beer. |
| Times in History
When it was OK to use the "F" Word 10. "What the *&%# was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima 9. "Where did all these *&%#ing Indians come from?" - Custer 2. "I need this parade like I need a *&%#ing hole in my head!" - JFK 1. "Aw, c'mon Monica, who
the *&%# is going to find out?" - Bill |