| A woman went into a
pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. "I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive", she said. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?" "$50.00?? For a Frog??" asked the woman. The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs." Well, the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so, she thought this was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog. She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, the husband was a bit skeptical, but said for sure he'd try it out that night. The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another blow job. Around two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks. "What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" asked the woman. The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here!" My father and mother were recently celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. While cutting the cake, my mother was moved after seeing my father's eyes fill with tears. Mother took his arm, and looked at him affectionately. "I never knew you were so sentimental, she whispered. "No, no, he said, choking back his tears, "that's not it at all. Remember when your father found us in the barn and told me to either marry you or spend the next 50 years in jail?" "Yes," my mother replied. I remember it like it was yesterday. "Well," said my father, "today I would have been a free man." Subject: MERMAID The Mermaid There's these three guys and they're out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. One of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says: "Ok, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q." The mermaid says: "Done." Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight. The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid: "Triple my I.Q." The mermaid says: "Done." The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics, chemistry, etc. The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, that he says to the mermaid: "Quintiple my I.Q." The mermaid looks at him and says: "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider." The guy says: "Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free." "Please," says the mermaid "You don't know what you're asking ... it'll change your entire view on the universe...won't you ask for something else...a million dollars, anything? But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his I.Q. increased by five times it's usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said: "Done." And he became a woman. IN PRAISE OF OLDER WOMEN An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think. An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him. An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of herbal tea. The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man_ gets, the weaker his libido gets ... which is why nature intended young guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men. An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens. Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes. An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already attached to someone, so there's no need to develop a phobia about committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent man. Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her. An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last to know... Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey. An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you. Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call... Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut take out. An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas... Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know. Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a striptease. Older women know what Kegel exercises are. An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal. Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly barf later. Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park. Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12 beers, a boy just can't get it up. A younger woman may need some time to grasp this fact. An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride. An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first. Some women have all the luck. A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick, so she proceeded to find herself a rich 75-year-old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs. Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?" The elderly groom replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber." |
| A little old lady
went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat
food in her basket. She then went to the check out
counter where she told the check out girl. "Nothing
but the best for my little kitten. " The girl at the
cash register said, 'I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you
cat food without proof that you have a cat.� A lot
of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management
wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your
cat."� The little old lady went home, picked up
her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies - one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.� The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.� The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."� The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like poop." The little old lady smiled slyly, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?" |
| Toothache A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the bar. It is filled to the brim with dollar bills. The man guesses that there must be THOUSANDS of dollars in the jar. He approaches the bartender and asks him, "What's up with the jar?" Bartender says: Well, you pay ten dollars and if you can pass three tests, you get all the money. MAN: "So, what are the three tests?" BARTENDER: "Pay first, those are the rules." So the guy gives him the ten dollars and the bartender adds the money to the jar. BARTENDER: "Ok, this is what you have to do." 1. You have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. 2. There's a pit-bull chained up out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. 3. Upstairs is a 90 year old woman, she's never had an orgasm in her life. You got to go up there & make things right for her. MAN: "Well, I know I paid my 10 bucks but I'm not an idiot. I won't do it. You'd have to be NUTS to drink the whole gallon of Pepper Tequila AND get CRAZIER from there." BARTENDER: "Your call, buddy, but the money stays in the jar." Time goes on and the man drinks a few. After a while he says: "Wherez zat teeeqeelah?" Bartender gives it to him, he takes it and downs the whole gallon with a big slurp. Tears are running down his face but he does not make a face. Next, he staggers out back and all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking, screams yelping and growling and eventually silence. Just when they think the man must surely be dead, He staggers back into the bar, his shirt all torn up and big scratches all over his body. "Now," he says, "where's the old lady with the sore tooth?" ************************* A Story A teacher gives her student a story problem: "There are 3 birds sitting on a wire, if a gunman shoots one of the birds, how many birds are left on the wire?" The boy pauses and says, "None." "No, no, no. Let's try again," the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers and says, "There are 3 birds sitting on a wire, if a gunman shoots one of the birds," she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the wire?" "None!" the boy says with authority. The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that," the teacher inquires. "It's simple," says the boy, "after the gunman shoots one of the birds, he scared the other 2 away." "Well," she says, "it's not technically correct, but I like the way you think." "OK," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One woman is licking the popsicle, the second is biting the popsicle, and the third is sucking the popsicle. Which one is married?" he asks innocently. The teacher looks at the boy's angelic face as she turns 3 shades of red. "C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "one licking, one biting and one sucking; Which one is married?" "Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied, "the one who's sucking?" "No," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring on. But I like the way you think." ************* The Tax Man A Tax Official has come to a rural synagogue for an inspection. The rabbi is accompanying him. "So rabbi, tell me, please, after you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with the crumbs?" Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then they make bread of them again and send it to us." "Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you do with the ends?" "We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them and send them to us." "And what about circumcision? What do you do with those leftover pieces?" The rabbi, wearily, replies, "We send them to the city as well." "To the city!? And what do they send to you?" "Today they have sent you to us." ************************************************************* An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and had made it to Southampton, England, there to board a train bound for a few days in London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only seat unoccupied was directly across from a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war-weary oldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans....You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog in the opposite seat. Again he asked, "Please, lady may I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also quite arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier leaned against the swaying wall of the train and again asked if he might please sit down. The lady said, "Not only are you Americans rude and arrogant, you're also very inconsiderate." The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. While the woman shrieked and screamed, demanding that someone defend her and chastise the soldier, an English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your autos on the wrong side of the road, and now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window." |
| One day, about a
month ago, Bill Clinton was looking for a call girl. He
found three such ladies in a local lounge - a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, To the blonde, he said "I am the President of the United States. How much would it cost to spend some time with you?" The blonde replied, "two hundred dollars." To the brunette he posed the same question, and she replied, one hundred dollars." He then asked the redhead the same question. The redhead replied, "Mr. President, if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes...get my panties as low as my wages...get that thing of yours a hard as the times... keep it as high as the gas prices...keep me warmer than my apartment...and...screw me in private the way you do in public, then believe me, Mr.. President, it ain't gonna cost you a cent." Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie,"Yeah, I have a job for you. "How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked. "Yeah, great. "You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. "Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari." Signs of the times.... Thirteen (13) signs that you have had too much of the '90s: 1. You tried to enter your password on the microwave; 2. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted"; 3. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards for years; 4. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3; 5. You email your son in his room to tell him dinner is ready, and he emails you back, "What's for dinner?"; 6. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site; 7. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year; 8. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a web page; 9. Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate used to play; 10. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains echinacea; 11. You check your blow dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant; 12. Your grandmother clogs up your email inbox, asking you to send her JPEG files of your newborn so she can create a screen saver; 13. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home! We convince ourselves life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that we're frustrated we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse get his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire. The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. One of my favorite quotes comes from Alfred D. Souza. He said, "For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles WERE my life." This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. Happiness IS the way. So, treasure every moment that you have. And treasure it more because you share it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with...and remember that waits for no one. So stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to school, until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter, until you are off welfare, until the first or the fifteenth, until your song comes on, until you've had a drink, until you've sobered up, until you die, until you are born again to decide there is no better time than right now to be happy. Happiness is a journey, not a destination. Work like you don't need money Love like you've never been hurt Dance like no one's watching ====================================================== JUST FOR TODAY, ...smile at a stranger ...listen to someone's heart ...drop a coin where a child can find it ...learn something new, then teach it to someone ...tell someone you're thinking of them ...hug a loved one ...don't hold a grudge ...don't be afraid to say "I'm sorry" ...look a child in the eye and tell them how great they are ...look beyond the face of a person into their heart ...make a promise, and keep it ...call someone, for no other reason than to just say "hi" ...show kindness to an animal ...stand up for what you believe in ...smell the rain, feel the breeze, listen to the wind ...use all your senses to their fullest ...cherish all your TODAY'S Today you were thought about by me Sex Survey - Multiple choice for the sensitive man of the 90s: 1. A woman whispers, "Do me now, big boy....." in your ear. She is obviously: a. Short-sighted. b. Attempting to overcome a lack of self-esteem through meaningless sexual gratification. c. Begging for it. d. A recording. 2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared: a. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship. b. Blood-test results. c. A cab. d. Five tequila slammers. 3. You time your orgasm so that: a. Your partner climaxes first. b. You both climax simultaneously. c. The director can set up for a close-up. d. You don't miss SportsNight. 4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is: a. Strictly for cats. b. Healthy creative love play. c. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to. d. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about. 5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is: a. The best part of the experience. b. The second best part of the experience. c. A loathsome chore. d. $100. extra. 6. Your girlfriend says she has gained two kilos in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is: a. No concern of yours. b. No barrier to her finding a new boyfriend. c. No problem - she can join your gym. d. A conservative estimate. 7. Today's sensitive, caring man is: a. An ideal to which you aspire. b. A myth. c. An oxymoron. d. A moron. 8. A prostitute is: a. A victim of male dominated society and social oppression. b. Someone who provides an essential service. c. A cheap date. d. A valued employee. 9. A wife is: a. A victim of male dominated society and social oppression. b. Someone who provides an essential service. c. A cheap date. d. A valued employee. 10. How can you tell when your partner has hit the top? a. When she drops her nail file. b. When she goes the color of a Chicago Bulls uniform. c. When the earth moves. d. Who cares? 11. It is the day after a one-night stand. Do you: a. Call her. b. Call your lawyer. c. Call your doctor. d. Call your wife. 12. Foreplay is to sex as: a. Priming is to painting. b. Appetizer is to entree. c. Trailer is to feature. d. A line is to an amusement park ride. 13. The slogan that sums up your sexual mores is: a. Free Lorena Bobbitt. b. Free Mike Tyson. c. Free Willy. d. Free condom with this survey. 14. During sex, you: a. Haggle. b. Talk dirty. c. Talk love. d. Talk on the phone. 15. Your local Mayor is involved in a lurid sex scandal. You are: a. Outraged. b. Implicated. c. Jealous. d. Not going to vote anyway. 16. You wake to find your partner clutching your thing in one hand and a carving knife in the other. Do you: a. Talk through her anger. b. Shout "Look out behind you" and make a run for it. c. Ask her to put down the offensive weapon. d. Ask her to put down the knife. BALLOONS A small boy walks into his mother's room and catches her topless. "Mommy, what are those?" he asks pointing to her breasts. "Well, son," she says, "these are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven." Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied. Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen. "Mommy, mommy, Aunt Eliza is dying!" "Waht do you mean?" says his mother. "Well, she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both of her balloons are out, Dad's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling, "God, I'm coming! God, I'm coming!!" |