| Stock
Market Summary - FINAL 1998 Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday. Balloon prices were inflated. Scott Tissue touched a new bottom. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market. Three new bonds are being issued: * Lewinsky bond: .... Has no maturity * Gore bond: ...... Has no interest * Clinton bond: .... Has no principle |
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| COUPLE
ON THEIR WEDDING NIGHT ----------------------------- A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father. "Pop, what do I do first?" "Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies. So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama. "Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies. After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again. "What do I do?" he asks. His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice. A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks. "Well, what is he doing?" mama asks. "It's not going well Ma... He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!" |
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| Urban myth I swear this is a true story... I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from Having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. So anyway, One day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was Full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN and and he saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250 Neiman Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true -- I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disneyworld vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.) The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital -- the one, actually, where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to twenty people you will have good luck but ten people you will only have ok luck and if you send it to less than ten people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without his lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. And it's a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages. God's honest truth. |
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| The latest nominees for
the 1999 Darwin awards: A 34 yr. old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, police said. He was approximately 6' 2" and 225 lb. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to a hollow wooden section of bedpost approximately 12 inches long and 3 inches in diameter. This bedpost was inserted into his rear end for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family members "very awkward". ********** Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears they decided to "moon" the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of the plane and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles. ********** A police officer in Ohio responded to a call that was made to 911. She had no details before arriving except that someone was reporting that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch, naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR if necessary, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man (who turned out to be dead on arrival at hospital), the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over they discovered what caused his death. Apparently the man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two electric sanders (with the sandpaper removed for obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the... ahem... discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him to death. ********** (AP) LOS ANGELES - Police officials would not release the name of a Pacoima man who was found dead yesterday after responding to complaints from neighbors that a bad smell was coming from his apartment. Upon entering the apartment, officers were surprised to see that every square inch of the apartment, including appliances and even the inside of the toilet, were covered with pornographic images cut from magazines. "The visual effect was very unsettling," said Officer Hradj of the Pacoima Police. "Because everything looked the same, you could not tell where one wall ended and a doorway began." The surprises did not end there, however. Police described the man as having "concocted a wire frame around his head" upon which he had taped various pornographic images, apparently so he could freely move about his apartment without ever losing his close-up view of nude bodies. Small slits had been cut into the paper so he could find his way, but according to Hradj, "He had almost no peripheral vision. He could barely see a thing." The man was found nude with this wire frame entangled in a hanging lamp. "We think he had been dusting," said another police officer, "because a feather duster was lying nearby, and his head gear had somehow become caught in the lamp, which was chained to the ceiling." The man allegedly choked to death trying to extricate himself from his predicament. According to his apartment manager, the white male in his mid-30's never left his apartment, and had food delivered weekly. Funeral services are planned for next week. His next of kin requested that his name be withheld. ********** A young Inuit man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply because he had no money to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister. ********* A 27 year-old French woman lost control over her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing her. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi keyring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In attempting to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own. |
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| Minnesota Computer Guide ------------------------ (1) LOG ON: making da vood stove hotter (2) LOG OFF: don't add vood (3) MONITOR: keep an eye on da vood stove (4) MEGAHERTZ: vhen a big log drops on your barefoot in da morning (5) FLOPPY DISK: vhat you get from piling too much vood (6) RAM: da hydraulic thing dat makes da voodsplitter vork (7) DRIVE: getting home during most of da vinter (8) PROMPT: vhat ya vish da mail vas during da snow season (9) ENTER: come on in (10) WINDOWS: vhat ya shut vhen it gets 10 below (11) SCREEN: vhat is a must during black fly season (12) CHIP: vhat ya munch during Vikings games (13) MICROCHIP: vhat's left in da bag vhen da chips are gone (14) MODEM: vhat ya did to da hay fields last Yuly (15) DOT MATRIX: Eino Matrix's wife (16) LAPTOP: vhere da grandkids sit (17) KEYBOARD: vhere ya suppose to put da keys so da Misses can find em (18) SOFTWARE: da plastic picnic utensils, ya? (19) MOUSE: vhat leaves dem little turds in da cupboard (20) MAINFRAME: da part of da sauna dat holds up da roof (21) PORT: vhere da commercial fishin boats dock (22) RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: vhen ya can't remember how much ya spent on danew deer rifle vhen da wife asks about it |
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| Construction Lunchtime
Blues An Irishman, a Mexican and a Texan were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too." The Texan opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The Texan opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the Texan's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch." |
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| A man with a
winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!" "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin? |
| THE MAN IN THE
FLOOD A great rain storm hits a town and many areas are flooded. "God will save me!" says the Man. His wife packs up the kids and heads out as the waters crest the door. She pleads to him to come but he refuses... "God will save me." As the water reaches the ceiling he's forced onto the roof. A canoe comes by and offers help. He refuses... "God will save me." The water level rises and he's forced higher up the roof. An airboat comes by and offers help. He refuses... "God will save me." Finally he's hanging onto the TV antenna as the last bit of roof is covered by water. A helicopter comes by and offers help. He refuses... "God will save me." The waters crest over him and he drowns and wakes in heaven. God allows him to ask any question he wants and the man says, "God... I had faith and prayed and still you let me drown... why didn't you save me?" God responds, "Save you?!? I sent you a car, a canoe, an airboat, a helicopter..." |
| The President of a
large Managed Care company was also chairman of the board
of his community's symphony orchestra. Finding he could not go to one of the concerts, he gave his tickets to the company's Director of Health Care Cost Containment. The next morning, he asked the director how he enjoyed the performance. Instead of the expected usual polite remarks, the director handed him a memo which read as follows: The undersigned submits the following comments and recommendations relative to the performance of "Schubert's Unfinished Symphony" by the Civic Orchestra as observed under actual working conditions. A) The attendance of the orchestra conductor is unnecessary for public performances. The orchestra has obviously practiced and has the prior authorization from the conductor to play the symphony at a predetermined level of quality. Considerable money could be saved by merely having the conductor critique the orchestra's performance during a retrospective peer review meeting. B) For considerable periods, the four oboe players had nothing to do. Their numbers should be reduced and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus eliminating peaks and valleys of activity. C) All 12 violins were playing identical notes with identical motions. This is unnecessary duplication, the staff of this section should drastically be cut with consequent savings. If a large volume of sound is required, this could be obtained through electronic amplification which has reached very high levels of reproductive quality. D) Much effort was expended playing 16th notes or semi-quavers. This seems an excessive refinement as most of the listeners are unable to distinguish such rapid playing. It is recommended that all notes be rounded up to the nearest 8th. If this is done, it would be possible to use trainees and lower grade operators with no loss of quality. E) No useful purpose would appear to be served by repeating with horns that same passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated as determined by the utilization review committee, the concert could have been reduced from two hours to twenty minutes, with greater savings in salaries and overhead. In fact, if Schubert had attended to these matters on a cost containment basis, he probably would have been able to finish his symphony. Thank you. It is my hope you give these matters serious consideration when investing in season tickets in the future. |
| WHITE HOUSE RESPONSE TO "8-Year
Old" ABCNEWS.com W A S H I N G T O N, Jan. 17, 1999 (excerpt) �Trust is the mortar that secures the foundations of the American house of freedom,� Hyde said. �The Senate Š should not ignore or minimize or dismiss the fact that that bond of trust has been broken, because the president has violated both his oaths of office and the oath he took before his grand jury testimony.� In ending his speech, Hyde read senators a letter from an 8 year-old boy from his district. The boy�s father had forced him to write the letter as punishment for lying. �If you cannot believe the president who can you believe,� wrote William Summers, a Chicago third-grader. �If you have no one to believe in, then how do you run your life?� From the WHITE HOUSE W H I T E H O U S E, Jan. 18, 1999 (Press Release) It is indeed unfortunate that Rep. Hyde would use a "letter" from an alleged 8-year old boy to impune the repulation of the President of the United States. The White House has learned that little William "Billy" Summers is in fact a self-admitted liar and has been punished on several occasions by his father for repeated offenses. Mr. Summers is a below-average student in an all-white grade school and is in no position to understand the complexities of a President presiding over the largest peacetime expansion of the economy in US history. He has also been known to cry at recess, soil himself when nervous, and has been used to use hate-speech such as "cootie" and "you're it." While "it" may not appear offensive, it depends upon what the definition of what "it" is. It has also been learned that the "8 year old" was in fact 9 years old when the letter was written. This is a clear attempt to mislead the public and further draws the lads character into question. Given this child's habitual history of perjury, misrepresentation, racism, hateful actions and words, we have referred this matter to the Justice Department for further investigation. I refer you to Atty. General Janet Reno as to the determination if charges will be drawn against William Summers for threats to the President. ABCNEWS.com W A S H I N G T O N, Jan. 17, 1999 (excerpt) The following is the text of a letter read by Representative Henry Hyde on the floor of the Senate during the impeachment trial of President Clinton. It was written by William Preston Summers, a Chicago third-grader: Dear Chairman Hyde: My name is William Preston Summers. How are you doing? I am a third grader in room 504 at Chase Elementary School in Chicago. I�m writing this letter because I have something to tell you. I have thought of a punishment for the president of the United States of America. The punishment should be that he should write a 100-word essay by hand. I have to write an essay when I lie. It is bad to lie because it just gets you in more trouble. I hate getting in trouble. It�s just like the boy who cried "wolf" and the wolf ate the boy. It is important to tell the truth. I like to tell the truth because it gets you in less trouble. If you do not tell the truth, people do not believe you. It is important to believe the president because he is a (sic) important person. If you cannot believe the president, who can you believe? If you have no one to believe in, then how do you run your life? I do not believe the president tells the truth any more right now. After he writes the essay and tells the truth, I will believe him again. ‹ William Summers Dear Representative Hyde: I made my son William either write you a letter or an essay as a punishment for lying. Part of his defense for his lying was that the President lied. He�s still having difficulty understanding why the President can lie and not be punished. ‹ Bobby Summers |
| This guy owns a
stud farm and gets a call from a friend. "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, I'm sending him over." The midget arrives at the stud farm and the owner asks if he wants to see a female or a male horse. "A female horth" replies the midget. So the owner shows him a female horse. "Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth"? So the owner picks up the midget and shows him her mouth. "Can I see her eyesth"? So the owner picks up the midget and shows him her eyes. "Ok what about her earsth"? Now the owner is getting pissed off, but he picks up the midget and shows him her ears. "Ok, finally, I'd like to see her twat". With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves the midgets head up the horse's vagina, then pulls him out again. Shaking his head the midget says, "Perhapths I should rephwase - I'd like to thsee her run"!!!!! |
| The best
Country-Western Song titles of All-Time! These are NOT made up. These are the actual titles of....The Worst (or Best) Country-Western Song Titles of All-Time: 1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed 2. Get Your Tongue Otta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye 3. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure 4. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? 5. Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me? 6. Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling 7. Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2. 8. Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine 9. Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run, So I Figure We Got An Even Deal 10. Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You 11. Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well 12 Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better 13. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win 14. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite 15. I'm So miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here 16. I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back While I Cry OverYou 17. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You 18. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now 19. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head) 20. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus 21. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him 22. Please Bypass this Heart 23. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger 24. You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly |
| Variations On
Murphy's Law 1. The Law of Common Sense Never accept a drink from a urologist. 2. The Law of Reality Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. 3. The Law of Self Sacrifice When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. 4. The Law of Volunteering If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead. 5. The Law of Avoiding Oversell When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse. 6. The Law of Motivation Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. 7. Boob's Law You always find something in the last place you look. 8. Wailer's Law Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. 9. Law of Probable Dispersal Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 10. Law of Volunteer Labor People are always available for work in the past tense. 11. Conway's Law In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired. 12. Iron Law of Distribution Them that has, gets. 13. Law of Cybernetic Entomology There is always one more bug. 14. Law of Drunkenness You can't fall off the floor. 15. Heeler's Law The first myth of management is that it exists. 16. Osborne's Law Variables won't; constants aren't. 17. Main's Law For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. 18. Weinberg's Second Law If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization |
| Wisconsinites
Temperature Guide The Temperature Conversion Guide 50 above = New Yorkers try to turn on the heat. Wisconsinites plant gardens. 40 above = Californians shiver uncontrollably. Wisconsinites sunbathe. 35 above = Italian cars won't start. Wisconsinites drive with the windows down. 32 above = Distilled water freezes. Madison's water gets thicker. 20 above = Floridians wear coats, gloves & wool hats. Wisconsinites throw on a t-shirt. 15 above = Californians begin to evacuate the state. Wisconsinites go swimming. Zero = New York landlords finally turn up the heat. Wisconsinites have the last cook-out before it gets cold. 10 below = People in Miami cease to exist. Wisconsinites lick flag poles. 20 below = Californians fly away to Mexico. Wisconsinites throw on a light jacket. 40 below = Hollywood disintegrates. Wisconsinites rent some videos. 60 below = Mt. St. Helens freezes. Wisconsinites Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door. 80 below = Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica. Wisconsinites Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough. 100 below = Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Wisconsinites pull down their ear flaps. 173 below = Ethyl alcohol freezes. Wisconsinites get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg. 297 below = Microbial life survives on dairy products. Wisconsinites cows complain of farmers with cold hands. 460 below = ALL atomic motion stops. Wisconsinites start saying "Cold'nuff for ya?" 500 below = Hell freezes over. The Minnesota Vikings win the Super Bowl. |