INTERNATIONAL DATING GUIDE CAUCASIAN WOMAN: First date: You get to kiss her goodnight. Second date: You get to grope all over and make out. Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position. Then you promise to marry her but will probably abandon the idea. JAPANESE WOMAN: First date: She's shy, so you don't get to kiss her at all. Second date: She'll take a bath in front of you and let you smell her panties. Third date: You get to have kinky sex with her. Then she will bid you sayonara as that was her fling before getting married to a Japanese man. MALAY WOMAN: First date: You get to touch that big breast of hers. Second date: You get to home base with her. Third date: You have to promise her that you are gonna get circumcised. Then you will marry her and find out that you have to support her whole family. The only consolation is that you get to repeat the procedure three other times as allowed under Muslim law. CHINESE WOMAN: First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happened. Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens either. Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen. INDIAN WOMAN: First date: Meet her parents. Second date: Set the date of the wedding. Third date: Wedding night. BLACK WOMAN: First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner. Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner. Third Date: You get to pay her rent. JEWISH WOMAN: First Date: You get a dynamite blowjob. Second Date: You get another great blowjob. Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again. MEXICAN WOMAN: First Date: You give her $20 and have really good sex. Second Date: you give $25 and have really good sex with her younger sister. Third Date: You give her $30 and have sex with her younger brother. IRISH WOMAN: First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex. |
| Some Rules
Teenagers Won't Learn in School By Charles J. Sykes Unfortunately, there are some things that kids should learn in school, but Not all of them have to do with academics. As a modest offering, here are some basic rules that may not have found their way into the standard curriculum. RULE NO.1 LIFE IS NOT FAIR. GET USED TO IT. The average teenager uses the phrase ~It's not fair" 8.6 times a day You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule No. 1. RULE NO.2 THE REAL WORLD WON 'T CARE ABOUT YOUR SELF-ESTEEM as much as your school does. It'll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain that's it's not fair. (See Rule No.1.) RULE NO.3 SORRY. YOU WON'T MAKE $40,000.00 A YEAR RIGHT OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL And you won't be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn't have a Gap label. RULE NO.4 IF VOU THINK YOUR TEACHER IS TOUGH. WAIT TILL YOU GET A BOSS. He doesn't have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you mess up, he's not going to ask you how you feel about it. RULE NO.5 FLIPPING BURGERS ISN'T BENEATH YOUR DIGNITY. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren't embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Kurt Cobain all weekend. RULE NO.6 IT'S NOT YOUR PARENTS' FAULT If you mess up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of: "It's my life," and "You're not the boss of me," and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it's on your dime. Don't whine about it, or you'll sound like a baby boomer. RULE NO.7 BEFORE YOU WERE BORN YOUR PARENTS WEREN'T AS BORING AS THEY ARE NOW. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your bedroom. RULE NO.8 YOUR SCHOOL MAY HAVE DONE AWAY WITH WINNERS AND LOSERS. LIFE HASN'T. In some schools, they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. Failing grades have been abolished and class valedictorians scrapped, lest anyone's feelings be hurt. Effort is as important as results This of course bears not the slightest resemblance to any thing in real life (See Rule No I, Rule No 2, and Rule No 4) RULE NO. 9 LIFE IS NOT DIVIDED INTO SEMESTERS, and you don't get summers off. Not even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day for eight hours and you don't get a new life every ten weeks. It just goes on and on. While we're at it, very few jobs are interested in fostering your self- expression or helping you find yourself. Fewer still lead to self-realization. (See Rule No. I and Rule No 2) RULE NO.10 TELEVISION IS NOT REAL LIFE. Your problems will not be solved in 30 minutes minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be as perky or as pliable as Jennifer Aniston. RULE NO.11 BE NICE TO NERDS. You may end working for them. We all could. RULE NO. 12 SMOKING DOES NOT MAKE YOU LOOK COOL. It makes you look moronic. Next time you're out cruising, watch an 11-year-old with a butt in his mouth. That's what you look like to anyone over 20. Ditto for expressing yourself with purple hair and pierced body parts. RULE NO.13 YOU ARE NOT IMMORTAL. (See Rule No.12.) If you are under the impression that living fast, dying young and leaving a beautiful corpse behind is romantic; you obviously haven't seen one of your peers at room temperature lately. RULE NO.14 ENJOY THIS WHILE YOU CAN. Sure, parents are a pain, school's a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you'll realize how wonderful it was to be a teenager. Maybe you should start now. Charles Sykes is the author of Dumbinu Down Our Kids: Why American Kids Feel Good About Themselves But Can't Read. These are a few of my own personal additions to this illustrious list: RULE NO. 15 DON'T PASS UP AN OPPORTUNITY TO PEE. Yeah, you could pee when you get to the Mall. Or school. Or work. But how do you know there won't be traffic or a car accident. Do it now. Don't put off till later those things which can totally change your entire view on life if neglected. RULE NO. 16 DON'T GET INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE WITH MORE PROBLEMS THAN YOU. We've all got problems. But when you date someone who has wildly more problems than you have it's hard for you to know if you're truly loving them or just 'taking care' of them (like a hamster). Taking care of Fluffy is far different from planning a life with someone. Then comes the two eventual outcomes of dating someone with a multitude of problems: (a) the problems become better and the other person realizes that they no longer need you or they you come to represent the bad "past" and you're dumped without any consultation, or (b) the problems continue and now you're blamed for some of them. Either of these two outcome options really stink and you'll come to realize your relationship mistake after months of wasted life. Better to avoid this problem altogether. RULE NO. 17 DON'T LEND MONEY TO FRIENDS IF YOU EVER HOPE TO SEE IT AGAIN. Friends are flakes. It's hard to "get heavy" on someone who owes you money if the whole situation is confused by you being friends. If you do lend money to your buddies, call it a "loan" but realize it's a gift. If you ever see it again (or any portion there-of) consider yourself lucky. RULE NO. 18 NEVER BUY ANYTHING MORE THAN $100 WITHOUT SLEEPING ONE NIGHT between your decision to buy and when you actually buy. I can't tell you how many car stereos, major appliances, pieces of furniture, and other crap, that I HAVEN'T bought by simple stepping back, telling the sales man I'll "sleep on it" and reassessing it in the morning. Of the hundreds of expensive things I've bought in my life I've regretted only two... and those two things I bought without sleeping on it. RULE NO. 19 MONEY REPRESENTS WORK. VALUE YOUR WORK. Think of the price of things as hours of work. That snow-board doesn't cost $199, it costs 18 hours of work (you'll have to come up with your own math based upon how much you make). Are you willing to be someone else's slave for 18 hours just to buy that item? RULE NO. 20 DON'T WASTE MONEY ON COLLECTABLES. Twenty years from now that $200 beanie-baby may be worth $500 but you'd be better off with an IRA, Money Market Accounts, Mutal Funds, or any other secure financial instrument. When you buy a collectable you should only do so under these two STRICT criteria: (a) you intend to resale it immediately for a handsome profit or (b) you intend to keep the collectable forever as part of your collection. How much can you get for a mint-condition Cabbage Patch doll? Who cares. |
| 59 ACTUAL NEWSPAPER
HEADLINES (collected by journalists) ================================================== 1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted 4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case 5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents 6. Farmer Bill Dies in House 7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? 9. Stud Tires Out 10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope 11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again 13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands 14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms 15. Eye Drops off Shelf 16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead 18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim 19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax 21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told 22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death 23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree 25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies 26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter 27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years 28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One 29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84 30. War Dims Hope for Peace 31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While 32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures 33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge 35. Deer Kill 17,000 36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead 37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge 38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group 39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft 40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy 42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire 43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply 44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood 45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees 46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half 47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies 48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing 49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing 50. Air Head Fired 51. Steals Clock, Faces Time 52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff 53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni 54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board 55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors 56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction 57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training 58. Include your Children When Baking Cookies 59. 4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves |
| The owner
of a large rabbit became worried when his pet began to lose weight. None of the remedies of his veterinarian seemed to work. A friend suggested he ignore the prescribed nostrums and use goat's milk to fatten the bunny. So the owner went to a nearby tallow factory where a young goat dwelt and lived off the fat drippings. Milk from this goat was fed to the declining rabbit but it's weight loss accelerated and its health began to deteriorate alarmingly. He rushed back to the vet who asked what he had been feeding the rabbit. When told, the vet exclaimed, "Aha! That's the trouble. ... You shouldn't have used that greasy kid stuff on your hare." |
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| Recently a
guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: -- (brace yourself) -- -- (this will hurt) -- "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh." |
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| REDNECK RULES
OF ETIQUETTE: PERSONAL HYGIENE While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using ones's OWN truck keys. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods. DINING OUT When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are. DATING (Outside the Family) Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago." Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 pm; others might say Monday. If it is the latter, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. THEATER ETIQUETTE Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. WEDDINGS Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift. Kissing the bride more than five seconds may get you shot. For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion. DRIVING ETIQUETTE Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring beer back. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS Never take a beer to a job interview. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-haul to the funeral home. |
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| One of the
best kept secrets on the web is the **free** translation
service available at AltaVista. You just have to type in the phrase you want and it will translate it into up to 5 languages. Pretty cool. Below are funny Advertising Mistakes... http://babelfish.altavista.com/cgi-bin/translate? Example: "Turn your head and cough" German: Drehen Sie Ihren Kopf und Husten Spanish: Vuelta su cabeza y tos French: Tournez votre t�te et toux Italian: Girare la vostre testa e tosse Portug: Gire seus cabe�a e cough ADVERTISING MISTAKES: ------------------------------------------------------------ 1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?" 2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea." 3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux." 4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick." (German: "mist" is "muck") 5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the U.S., with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since many people can't read. 6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine. 7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa). 8. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave," in Chinese. 9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la," meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Coke then researched on 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le," translating into "happiness in the mouth." 10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant." |
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| THE
HOLIDAY DIVORCE ------------------- Morris calls his son in NY and says,"Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my Oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama." The son is shocked and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up." "But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?" "It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain." "But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?" "No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow." "Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there." "Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Christmas. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after then. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore." A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me That you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there." Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well Martha, it worked this time, but what are we going to do next time to get them to come home for the holidays?" |
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| Seasons
Greetings, Please accept with no obligation, implied or explicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all...and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 1999, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that the United States of America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the Western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee. (By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.) This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher. |