WINDOWS 98 BROOKLYN EDITION

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Brooklyn version of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside New York. If you have one of the Brooklyn editions you may need some help understanding the commands.

21. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

20. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

19. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's home page to your bookmarks.

18. You have a "to-do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.

17. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.

16. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.

15. You consider 2nd day Air Delivery and Inner-office Mail painfully slow.

14. You assume any question about whether to valet park or not is rhetorical.

13. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.

12. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

11. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist anymore.

10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.

9. You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear sweats to work.

8. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.

7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

5. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases. [Last week in a meeting I heard "solution" used as a verb. :-\]

4. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors.

3. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.

2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.

And, the number one sign you work in the nineties:

1. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.

WHAT WOMEN WANT

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a
sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends
and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5
floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you
can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you
what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on
this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation
move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and
handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and
plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors
left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and hand
some." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that
there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on
up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was
built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."