Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: I'm looking for the man who shot my paw. This guy goes into a restaurant for Christmas breakfast. After looking over the menu, he says I'll just have the Eggs Benedict. His order comes a while later and it's served on a big shiny hubcap. He asks his waiter What's with the hubcap? The waiter sings back to him O, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise! When she told him he was average, she was just mean. A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies "For you, no charge." Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other "Are you alright?" to which the other responds "No, I lost an electron." The first asks "Are you sure?" to which the other responds "Yes, I'm positive." Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who refused his dentist's Novocaine during a root canal procedure? He wanted to transcend dental medication. A group of chess enthusiasts checks into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked. "Because" he replied, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in a open foyer." A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew his habit and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 PM. One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender. "It's a hickory daiquiri, doc. " A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men, one sitting under a tree reading a book and the other typing away at a typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of beasts knows that readers digest and writers cramp. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns in the hopes that at least one pun would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First, I'm a tepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy! What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies "It's very simple. You're two tents." A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal". The other goes to a family in Spain which names him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his biological mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband the she wishes that she also had a picture of her other son. Her husband replies "But they're twins. If you've seen Juan, then you've seen Amal."

A lesson in efficiency! Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the waitpersons had a spoon in their pocket. When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift." As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me. Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket and said, "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed. The waiter continued taking our order and while my guests ordered, I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that each waiter had the same string hanging from his fly. My curiosity got the better of me and before the waiter walked off. I asked him, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we could save time in the restroom. "How so?" "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of ... you know ... we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the rest room by 76.39 percent." "Okay, that makes sense, but ... if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?" "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

OPEN YOUR HEARTS THIS HOLIDAY SEASON, THE "NBA PLAYER ADOPTION PROGRAM" NEEDS YOU With the NBA labor dispute continuing, now is the time for us to show the world just how much we care. It's just not right that hundreds of basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary line. And as if this weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for the foreseeable future, possibly the entire season. But now you can help! For about $2,000 a day, less than the cost of a large-screen projection TV, you can keep a professional basketball player economically viable during this time of grave need. That may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to an NBA player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, $2,000 a day is nothing more than 3 months rent or a mortgage payment, but to those in need, $2,000 will nearly replace his salary. Your pledge of that amount will enable the player you select to buy that home entertainment center he's always needed, trade in that year-old Lexus for a new Range Rover, or enjoy a weekend in Rio. HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING? Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information on his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate holding, and other investments will be mailed to your home. Youll also receive information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement. HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING? Your player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although he won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses, such as child-support payments in newly adjudged cases of paternity. To begin your act of generosity, simply fill out the form below: YES, I want to help. I would like to sponsor an out-of-work NBA player. My preference is checked below: [ ] Reserve [ ] Starter [ ] Star* [ ] Superstar** [ ] His Airness*** [ ] Entire Team**** [ ] I'll sponsor a player most in need. Please select one for me. * Higher cost, ** MUCH higher cost, *** Restricted category: Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, Michael Eisner, and others may submit offers., **** Please call our 900 number to ask for specific team costs. (cheerleaders extra) Please charge the account listed below $2,054.79 per day for reserve or starter for the duration of the labor dispute. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a team logo and my very own NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel. [ ] Visa [ ] Master Card [ ] Discover Card [ ] American Express Your Name: _______________________ Phone Number: _____________________ Account Number: ___________________ Expiration Date: ____________________ Signature: _________________________ Mail your completed form to NBA Players Association or call 1-888-TOOMUCH now to enroll by phone (children under 18 must have parents approval). Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the players they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including telephone calls, letters, e-mails, or third parties. Keep in mind that your player will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donation. Finally, remember that these contributions are NOT tax deductible. We thank you, and the NBA players thank you.

SUPPOSEDLY TRUE STORIES OF CRIMES GONE BAD (When the bad guys should keep their masks on!) A man walked into a 7-11 (nightshop for the dutchies) put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?] Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied "Yes Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." Seattle : When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motorhome parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motorhome near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motorhome's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. Ann Arbor : The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 8:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. Alabama : Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. Newark : A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone, and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested. A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day. We aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual and says, "If you need anything, just let me know." Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now. Are you gonna be OK?" "No!", exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!"

One morning, a blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over and help me. I have this Awesome jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it." Her boyfriend asked, "What is it a puzzle of?" The blonde said, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger." The blonde's boyfriend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then he studies the box. He then turns to her and says, "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these pieces to look like the picture of that tiger." "Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

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