You might be a Redneck Jedi if..... 

You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." 

Your Jedi robe is camouflage. 

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light. 

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored. 

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. 

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard. 

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. 

Wookies are offended by your B.O. 

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't 
have to wait for a commercial. 

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling. 

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark 
side...it'll be a hoot." 

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock 
thingy to get the barbecue grill to light. 

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land- 
speeder. 

You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts. 

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get 
in through the window. 

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt 
had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women. 

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca. 

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck. 

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene. 

If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father ... and your uncle ..." 



    >A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor 
 
condominium 
    >when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.  "God, that was 
>stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die. 
> 
>As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in 
>his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, 
>"Do you suck?"  "No!" she shrieked, aghast.  So, he dropped her. 
> 
>As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. 
>"Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could 
>stop herself. He dropped her, too. 
> 
>The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, 
she 
>was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. 
> 
>"I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic."Slut," he said, and dropped 
 
her. 


USEFUL WORK PHRASES: 


How about never?  Is never good for you? 

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 

Ahhh...  I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again... 

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist 

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 

Any connection between you and reality is purely coincidental. 

What am I?  Flypaper for freaks!? 

I'm not being rude.  You're just insignificant. 

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 

No, my powers can only be used for good. 

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. 

You sound reasonable...  Time to up my medication 

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... 

I don't work here.  I'm a consultant. 

Who me?  I just wander from room to room. 

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really 
quite busy. 

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. 


    >>A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a >> 
>problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know >>     how 
to 
>say one thing." 
>>> 
>>>     "What do they say?" the priest inquired. 
>>> 
>>>     "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have 
    
 
>  some fun?'" 
>>> 
>>>     "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution >> 
>to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house >> 
 
and 
    I 
>will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I 
>>>     taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your >> 
>parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female >> 
 
parrots 
    >will learn to praise and worship." 
>>> 
>>>     "Thank you!" the woman responded. 
>>> 
>>>     The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's 
    
 
> house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying >> 
 
in 
    >their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the 
>>>     male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, 
    
 
> want to have some fun?" 
>>> 
>>>     One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, 
    
 
>  "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!" 
 


Why It's GREAT To Be A Guy... 

    Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. 
    Your orgasms are real. Always. 
    Your last name stays put. 
    The garage is all yours. 
    Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow. 
    Wedding plans take care of themselves. 
    You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night. 
    Chocolate is just another snack. 
    You can be president. 
    You can wear a white shirt to a water park. 
    Foreplay is optional. 
    You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid. 
    Car mechanics tell you the truth. 
    You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. 
    The world is your urinal. 
    Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. 
    You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's 
     just too icky. 
    Same work... more pay. 
    Wrinkles add character. 
    You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch 
    adjustments. 
    Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 
    If you retain water, it's in a canteen. 
    People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. 
    Princess Di's death was just another obituary. 
    The occasional well rendered belch is practically expected. 
    New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 
    Porn movies are designed with you in mind. 
    Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them. 
    Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice 
    anything different?" 
    One mood, all the time. 


    HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME: 
 
> 
>Both take up too much space on the bed. 
> 
>Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. 
> 
>Both mark their territory. 
> 
>Neither tells you what's bothering them. 
> 
>The smaller ones tend to be more nervous. 
> 
>Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches. 
> 
>Neither does any dishes. 
> 
>Both fart shamelessly. 
> 
>Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut. 
> 
>Both like dominance games. 
> 
>Both are suspicious of the postman. 
> 
>Neither understands what you see in cats. 
> 
> 
>HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN 
> 
>Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. 
> 
>Dogs miss you when you're gone. 
> 
>Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong. 
> 
>Dogs admit when they're jealous. 
> 
>Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out. 
> 
>Dogs do not play games with you- - except fetch (and they 
>never laugh At how you  throw.) 
> 
>You can train a dog. 
> 
>Dogs are easy to buy for. 
> 
>The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. 
>  (OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, 
>but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to 
>you). 
> 
>Dogs understand what "no" means. 
> 
>Dogs mean it when they kiss you. 
> 
> 
>THE TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN 
> 
>A dog's parents will never visit you. 
> 
>A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor. 
> 
>A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink. 
> 
>A dog never expects you to telephone. 
> 
>A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday. 
> 
>A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life. 
> 
>A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog. 
> 
>A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day. 
> 
>The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you. 
> 
>A dog does not shop. 


    "Hindsight" 
by Guy Kawasaki 
CEO, Garage.com 

his Palo Alto High School Baccalaureate Speech, 6/11/95 


Speaking to you today marks a milestone in my life. I am 40 years old. 22 
years ago, when I was in your seat, I never, ever thought I would be 40 
years old. 


The implications of being your speaker frighten me. For one thing, when a 
40-year old geezer spoke at my baccalaureate ceremony, he was about the 
 
last 
    person I'd believe. I have no intention of giving you the boring speech 
 
that 
    you are dreading. This speech will be short, sweet, and not boring. 

I am going to talk about hindsights today. Hindsights that I've 
 
accumulated 
    in the 20 years from where you are to where I am. Don't blindly believe 
 
me. 
    Don't take what I say as "truth." Just listen. Perhaps my experience can 
help you out a tiny bit. 

I will present them ala David Letterman. Yes, 40-year old people can still 
stay up past 11. 

#10: Live off your parents as long as possible. 

When I spoke at this ceremony two years ago, this was the most popular 
hindsight - except from the point of view of the parents. Thus, I knew I 
 
was 
    on the right track. 

I was a diligent Oriental in high school and college. I took college-level 
classes and earned college-level credits. I rushed through college in 3 
 
1/2 
    years. I never traveled or took time off because I thought it wouldn't 
prepare me for work and it would delay my graduation. 

Frankly, I blew it. 

You are going to work the rest of your lives, so don't be in a rush to 
start. Stretch out your college education. Now is the time to suck life 
 
into 
    your lungs-before you have a mortgage, kids, and car payments. 

Take whole semesters off to travel overseas. Take jobs and internships 
 
that 
    pay less money or no money. Investigate your passions on your parent's 
nickel. Or dime. Or quarter. Or dollar. Your goal should be to extend 
college to at least six years. 

Delay, as long as possible, the inevitable entry into the workplace and a 
lifetime of servitude to bozos who know less than you do, but who make 
 
more 
    money. Also, you shouldn't deprive your parents of the pleasure of 
supporting you. 


#9 Pursue joy, not happiness. 

This is probably the hardest lesson of all to learn. It probably seems to 
you that the goal in life is to be "happy." Oh, you maybe have to 
 
sacrifice 
    and study and work hard, but, by and large, happiness should be 
 
predictable. 
    
Nice house. Nice car. Nice material things. 

Take my word for it, happiness is temporary and fleeting. Joy, by 
 
contrast, 
    is unpredictable. It comes from pursuing interests and passions that do 
 
not 
    obviously result in happiness. 

Pursuing joy, not happiness will translate into one thing over the next 
 
few 
    years for you: Study what you love. This may also not be popular with 
parents. When I went to college, I was "marketing driven." It's also an 
Oriental thing. 

I looked at what fields had the greatest job opportunities and prepared 
myself for them. This was brain dead. There are so many ways to make a 
living in the world, it doesn't matter that you've taken all the "right" 
courses. I don't think one person on the original Macintosh team had a 
classic "computer science" degree. 

You parents have a responsibility in this area. Don't force your kids to 
follow in your footsteps or to live your dreams. My father was a senator 
 
in 
    Hawaii. His dream was to be a lawyer, but he only had a high school 
education. He wanted me to be a lawyer. 

For him, I went to law school. For me, I quit after two weeks. I view this 
 
a 
    terrific validation of my inherent intelligence. 

#8: Challenge the known and embrace the unknown. 

One of the biggest mistakes you can make in life is to accept the known 
 
and 
    resist the unknown. You should, in fact, do exactly the opposite: challeng 
 
e 
    the known and embrace the unknown. 

Let me tell you a short story about ice. In the late 1800s there was a 
thriving ice industry in the Northeast. Companies would cut blocks of ice 
from frozen lakes and ponds and sell them around the world. The largest 
single shipment was 200 tons that was shipped to India. 100 tons got there 
unmelted, but this was enough to make a profit. 

These ice harvesters, however, were put out of business by companies that 
invented mechanical ice makers. It was no longer necessary to cut and ship 
ice because companies could make it in any city during any season. 

These ice makers, however, were put out of business by refrigerator 
companies. If it was convenient to make ice at a manufacturing plant, 
imagine how much better it was to make ice and create cold storage in 
everyone's home. 


You would think that the ice harvesters would see the advantages of ice 
making and adopt this technology. However, all they could think about was 
the known: better saws, better storage, better transportation. 

Then you would think that the ice makers would see the advantages of 
refrigerators and adopt this technology. The truth is that the ice 
harvesters couldn't embrace the unknown and jump their curve to the next 
curve. 

Challenge the known and embrace the unknown, or you'll be like the ice 
harvester and ice makers. 

#7: Learn to speak a foreign language, play a musical instrument, and play 
non-contact sports. 

Learn a foreign language. I studied Latin in high school because I thought 
it would help me increase my vocabulary. It did, but trust me when I tell 
you it's very difficult to have a conversation in Latin today other than 
 
at 
    the Vatican. And despite all my efforts, the Pope has yet to call for my 
advice. 

Learn to play a musical instrument. My only connection to music today is 
that I was named after Guy Lombardo. Trust me: it's better than being 
 
named 
    after Guy's brother, Carmen. Playing a musical instrument could be with me 
now and stay with me forever. Instead, I have to buy CDs at Tower. 

I played football. I loved football. Football is macho. I was a middle 
linebacker--arguably, one of the most macho position in a macho game. But 
you should also learn to play a non-contact sport like basketball or 
 
tennis. 
    That is, a sport you can play when you're over the hill. 

It will be as difficult when you're 40 to get twenty-two guys together in 
 
a 
    stadium to play football as it is to have a conversation in Latin, but all 
the people who wore cute, white tennis outfits can still play tennis. And 
all the macho football players are sitting around watching television and 
drinking beer. 

#6: Continue to learn. 

Learning is a process not an event. I thought learning would be over when 
 
I 
    got my degree. It's not true. You should never stop learning. Indeed, it 
gets easier to learn once you're out of school because it's easier to see 
the relevance of why you need to learn. 

You're learning in a structured, dedicated environment right now. On your 
parents' nickel. But don't confuse school and learning. You can go to 
 
school 
    and not learn a thing. You can also learn a tremendous amount without 
school. 


#5: Learn to like yourself or change yourself until you can like yourself. 

I know a 40-year old woman who was a drug addict. She is a mother of 
 
three. 
    She traced the start of her drug addiction to smoking dope in high school. 

I'm not going to lecture you about not taking drugs. Hey, I smoked dope in 
high school. Unlike Bill Clinton, I inhaled. Also unlike Bill Clinton, I 
exhaled. 

This woman told me that she started taking drugs because she hated herself 
when she was sober. She did not like drugs so much as much as she hated 
herself. Drugs were not the cause though she thought they were the 
 
solution. 
    

She turned her life around only after she realized that she was in a 
downward spiral. Fix your problem. Fix your life. Then you won't need to 
take drugs. Drugs are neither the solution nor the problem. 

Frankly, smoking, drugs, alcohol--and using an IBM PC--are signs of 
stupidity. End of discussion. 

#4: Don't get married too soon. 

I got married when I was 32. That's about the right age. Until you're 
 
about 
    that age, you may not know who you are. You also may not know who you're 
marrying. 

I don't know one person who got married too late. I know many people who 
 
got 
    married too young. If you do decide to get married, just keep in mind that 
you need to accept the person for what he or she is right now. 

#3: Play to win and win to play. 

Playing to win is one of the finest things you can do. It enables you to 
fulfill your potential. It enables you to improve the world and, 
conveniently, develop high expectations for everyone else too. 

And what if you lose? Just make sure you lose while trying something 
 
grand. 
    Avinash Dixit, an economics professor at Princeton, and Barry Nalebuff, an 
economics and management professor at the Yale School of Organization and 
Management, say it this way: 

"If you are going to fail, you might as well fail at a difficult task. 
Failure causes others to downgrade their expectations of you in the 
 
future. 
    The seriousness of this problem depends on what you attempt." 

In its purest form, winning becomes a means, not an end, to improve 
 
yourself 
    and your competition. 

Winning is also a means to play again. The unexamined life may not be 
 
worth 
    living, but the unlived life is not worth examining. The rewards of 
winning--money, power, satisfaction, and self-confidence--should not be 
squandered. 

Thus, in addition to playing to win, you have a second, more important 
obligation: To compete again to the depth and breadth and height that your 
soul can reach. Ultimately, your greatest competition is yourself. 

#2: Obey the absolutes. 

Playing to win, however, does not mean playing dirty. As you grow older 
 
and 
    older, you will find that things change from absolute to relative. When 
 
you 
    were very young, it was absolutely wrong to lie, cheat, or steal. As you 
 
get 
    older, and particularly when you enter the workforce, you will be tempted 
 
by 
    the "system" to think in relative terms. "I made more money." "I have a 
nicer car." "I went on a better vacation." 

Worse, "I didn't cheat as much on my taxes as my partner." "I just have a 
few drinks. I don't take cocaine." "I don't pad my expense reports as much 
as others." 

This is completely wrong. Preserve and obey the absolutes as much as you 
can. If you never lie, cheat, or steal, you will never have to remember 
 
who 
    you lied to, how you cheated, and what you stole. 

There absolutely are absolute rights and wrongs. 

#1: Enjoy your family and friends before they are gone. 

This is the most important hindsight. It doesn't need much explanation. 
 
I'll 
    just repeat it: Enjoy your family and friends before they are gone. 
Nothing-not money, power, or fame-can replace your family and friends or 
bring them back once they are gone. Our greatest joy has been our baby, 
 
and 
    I predict that children will bring you the greatest joy in your 
lives--especially if they graduate from college in four years. 

And now, I'm going to give you one extra hindsight because I've probably 
cost your parents thousands of dollars today. It's something that I hate 
 
to 
    admit too. 

By and large, the older you get, the more you're going to realize that 
 
your 
    parents were right. More and more-until finally, you become your parents. 
 
I 
    know you're all saying, "Yeah, right." Mark my words. 

Remember these ten things: if just one of them helps you helps just one of 
you, this speech will have been a success: 

#10: Live off your parents as long as possible. 
#9 Pursue joy, not happiness. 
#8: Challenge the known and embrace the unknown. 

#7: Learn to speak a foreign language, play a musical instrument, and play 
non-contact sports. 
#6: Continue to learn. 
#5: Learn to like yourself or change yourself until you can like yourself. 
#4: Don't get married too soon. 
#3: Play to win and win to play. 
#2: Obey the absolutes. 
#1: Enjoy your family and friends before they are gone. 
 


Life in the 1500's   This is really interesting (and TRUE!!) 

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath 
in  May and were still 
smelling pretty good by June.  However, they were starting to smell, so 
brides carried a bouquet 
of flowers to hide the b.o. 


Baths equaled a big tub filled with hot water.  The man of the house 
had the privilege of the 
nice clean water, then all the other sons and men,  then the women and 
finally the children.  Last 
of all the babies.  By then the water was so dirty you could actually 
lose someone in it. Hence 
the  saying, 
  "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water". 




  Houses had thatched roofs.  Thick straw, piled high, with no wood 
underneath.  It was the only 
place for animals to get warm, so all the pets... dogs,  cats and other 
small animals, mice, rats, 
bugs lived in the roof.  When it rained it became slippery and sometimes 
the animals would slip 
and fall off the roof.  Hence the saying, 
"It's raining cats and dogs." 



There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This 
posed a real problem in the 
bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice 
clean bed.  So, they 
found if they made beds with big posts and hung a sheet over the top, it 
addressed that problem. 
Hence those beautiful big 4 poster beds with canopies. 
I wonder if this is where we get the saying "Good night and don't let 
the bed bugs bite......." 




The floor was dirt.  Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, 
hence the saying "dirt 
poor."  The wealthy had slate floors which  would get slippery in the 
winter when wet. So they 
spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing.  As the winter 
wore on they kept adding 
more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping 
outside. 
A  piece of wood was placed at the entry way, hence a "thresh hold". 




They cooked in the kitchen in a big kettle that always hung over the 
fire.  Every  day they lit the 
fire and added things to the pot.  They mostly ate vegetables and didn't 
get much meat.  They 
would eat the stew for dinner leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold 
overnight and then start 
over the next day.  Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been in 
there for a month. 

Hence the rhyme:  peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge 
in the pot nine days 
old." 




Sometimes they could obtain pork and would feel really special when 
that happened. When 
company came over, they would bring out some bacon and hang it to show 
it off.  It was a sign of 
wealth and that a man "could really bring home the bacon."  They would 
cut off a little to share 
with guests  and would all sit around and "chew the fat." 



Those with money had plates made of pewter.  Food with a high acid 
content caused some of 
the lead to leach onto the food. This happened most often with tomatoes, 
so they stopped eating 
tomatoes... for 400 years. 



Most people didn't have pewter plates, but had trenchers - a piece of 
wood with the middle 
scooped out like a bowl.  Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times 
worms got into the 
wood.  After eating off wormy  trenchers,  they would get "trench 
mouth." 




Bread was divided according to status.  Workers got the burnt bottom 
of the loaf, the family got 
the middle, and guests got the top, or the  "upper crust". 


Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey.  The combination would 
sometimes knock them out 
for a couple of days.  Someone walking along the road would take them 
for dead and prepare 
them for burial.  They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple 
of days and the family would 
gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. 
Hence the custom of holding a "wake". 


England is old and small, and they started running out of places to 
bury people.  So, they would 
dig up coffins and would take their bones to a house and reuse the 
grave.  In reopening these 
coffins, one out of 25  coffins  were found to have scratch marks on the 
inside and they realized 
they had  been burying people alive.  So they thought they would tie a 
string on  their wrist and 
lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and  tie it to a 
bell.  Someone would have to 
sit out in the graveyard all night to  listen for the bell. 

Hence on the "graveyard shift" they would know that someone was "saved 
by the bell" or he 
was a "dead ringer". 




Top 10 Ways To Tell If a Redneck Has Been Working at a Computer:

10:   The monitor is up on blocks.
 9:   Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
 8:   The 6 front keys have rotted out.
 7:   The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
 6:   The numeric key pad only goes up to six.
 5:   The password is Bubba.
 4:   There is a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
 3:   There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
 2:   The keyboard is camouflaged.

And, the #1 way is :

 1:   The mouse is referred to as "the lil' critter".


YOU MIGHT BE A SOUTHERN BAPTIST IF...
-------------------------------------

1.  You believe you are supposed to take a covered dish to heaven when
    you die.

2.  You have never sung the third verse of any hymn.

3.  You have ever put an IOU in the collection plate.

4.  You think that someone who says a-men while the Pastor is preaching
    might be a charismatic.

5.  You complain that your Pastor only works one day a week...but then
    works too long.

6.  You clapped in church last Sunday and then felt guilty about it all
    week long.

7.  You woke up one morning craving fried chicken and interpreted that
    as a call to preach.

8.  You think the Epistles are probably the wives of the Apostles.

9.  You are old enough to get the Senior Discount at the pharmacy, but
    not old enough to be promoted to the seniors class at Sunday School.

10.  You think the Holy Land is Nashville.


HOW TO PREPARE A HOLIDAY BIRD
-----------------------------

STEP 1: GO BUY A TURKEY
STEP 2: TAKE A DRINK OF WHISKEY
STEP 3: PUT TURKEY IN OVEN
STEP 4: TAKE ANOTHER TWO DRINKS OF WHISKEY
STEP 5: SET THE DEGREE AT 375 OVENS
STEP 6: TAKE 3 MORE WHISKEYS OF DRINK
STEP 7: TURN OVEN THE ON
STEP 8: TAKE 4 WHISKS OF DRINKY
STEP 9: TURK THE BASTEY
STEP 10:WHISKEY ANOTHER BOTTLE OF GET
STEP 11:STICK A TURKEY IN THE THERMOMETER
STEP 12:GLASS YOURSELF A POUR OF WHISKEY
STEP 13:BAKE THE WHISKEY FOR 4 HOURS
STEP 14:TAKE THE OVEN OUT OF THE TURKEY
STEP 15:TAKE THE OVEN OUT OF THE TURKEY
STEP 16:FLOOR THE TURKEY OFF THE PICK
STEP 17:TURK THE CARVEY
STEP 18:GET YOURSELF ANOTHER SCOTTLE OF BOTCH
STEP 19:TET THE SABLE AND POUR YOURSELF A GLASS OF TURKEY
STEP 20:BLESS THE THE SAYING, PASS AND EAT OUT


CORPORATE STUDY

After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation
has determined the
following results on corporate America's recreational
activities.
The sport of choice for unemployed or jailed people is
BASKETBALL.
The sport of choice for maintenance employees is
BOWLING.
The sport of choice for line workers is FOOTBALL.
The sport of choice for Supervisors is BASEBALL.
The sport of choice for Middle Management is TENNIS.
And finally, the sport of choice for Upper Management
is GOLF.

CONCLUSION:
That the higher you are in the corporate structure,
the smaller your balls
become.



Cessna 152 Plane Crash:
A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this
afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have
recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging
continues into the evening.


one last request:

A passenger plane on a cross the country trip runs into a terrible
storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightening. The
passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and
they are all going to die. 

At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I
can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal,
strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a
woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?" 

She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up
to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She can see
the man's muscles rippling even in the poor lighting of the plane. He
stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you
feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?" 

She shakes her head yes. 

As the man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here, iron this."


How do crazy people go through the forest?
 They take the psycho path.

 How do you get holy water?
 Boil the hell out of it.

 What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
 Polaroids.

 What do prisoners use to call each other?
 Cell phones.

 What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
 A stick.

 What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
 Nacho Cheese.

 What do you call Santa's helpers?
 Subordinate Clauses.

 What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
 Quatro sinko.

 What do you get from a pampered cow?
 Spoiled milk.

 What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
 Frostbite.

 What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a
tree would kill you?
 A pool table.

 What is a zebra?
 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

 What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
 A nervous wreck.

 What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal
 thermometer?
 The taste.

 What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
 Anyone can roast beef.

 Where do you find a no legged dog?
 Right where you left him.

 Where do you get virgin wool from?
 Ugly sheep.

 Why are there so many Johnson's in the phone book?
 They all have phones.

 Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
 They're trying to get away from the noise.

 Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
 Because they have big fingers.

 What do you get when an epileptic farmer falls in his lettuce
patch?
 Seizure salad.

 A guy goes into a Chinese bar and says, "How 'bout a Stoly?"
 The bartender says, "Once upon a time . . . ."

 Did you hear they found a new use for sheep in Alabama?
 Wool.

 What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
 One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with
and the
 other is used to carry groceries.

 How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
 Two.  The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

 What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?
 Bingo!

 What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
 A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

 A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck.  The
 bartender
 says, "All right, I'll let ya stay---but don't start nuthin."

 Did you hear about the Amish woman who wanted a divorce?
 Her husband was driving her buggy.

 A guy is driving down the street.  A cop pulls him over and says,
"Sir,  were you aware that your wife fell out of the car about a mile back?" 
The guy says, "Oh, thank God!  I thought I went deaf."

 What do you call a dog with no legs?
 It doesn't matter.  He won't come anyway.

 A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer and a mop."

 What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an 
Atheist?   Someone who knocks on your door for no reason.

 A cannibal was walking down the street and he passed his brother.

 What's the different between a Jehovah Witness and a Yugo?
 You can slam the door on a Jehovah Witness.

 Have you heard about the new scientific study which discovered
that a certain type of food decreases a woman's sex drive?
 It's called wedding cake.



 





                               





                              IN PRAISE OF OLDER WOMEN 

An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask 
you, "What are you thinking?"  An older woman doesn't care what you 
think. 

An older woman always carries a condom in her purse.  A younger woman is 
still hoping the guy might have one on him. 

An older woman is a cheaper date.  A younger woman will cost you 12 
beers, 
but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of herbal tea. 

The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man_ 
gets, the weaker his libido gets ... which is why nature intended young 
guys 
to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men. 

An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without 
looking 
like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar.  This is not true of 
younger  women               or drag queens. 

Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes. 

An older woman is into free sex!  An older woman is almost always already 
attached to someone, so there's no need to develop a phobia about 
committing 
to her.  The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, 
dependent man. 

Older women are more honest.  An older woman will tell you that you are 
an 
asshole if you're acting like one.  A young woman will say nothing, just in 
case it means you might break up with her. 

An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the 
two of you get married.  In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you 
will 
probably be the last to know... 

Older women have jobs with dental plans.  Younger women can't help you when 
  your teeth get knocked out playing hockey. 

An older woman will never accuse you of "using her."  She's using you. 

Older women take charge of the situation.  An older woman will call you 
up 
and ask you for a date.  A younger woman will wait forever, by the 
phone, 
for you to call... 

Older women know how to cook.  Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut 
take out. 

An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends.  A younger 
woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get 
any 
ideas... 

Older women are psychic.  You never have to confess to having an affair, 
because somehow they always know. 

Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they 
have 
acquired from admirers over the years.  Young women often don't wear 
underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a 
striptease. 

Older women know what Kegel exercises are. 

An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal. 
Younger 
women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they 
might 
possibly barf later. 

Older women are dignified.  They are beyond having a screaming match with 
you in the middle of the night in a public park. 

Older women are experienced.  They understand that sometimes, after 12 
beers, a boy just can't get it up.  A younger woman may need some time 
to 
  grasp this fact. 

  An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on 
an 
amusement ride. 

An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her 
youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first. 


A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick, so she 
proceeded to find herself a rich 75-year-old man, planning to screw him 
to death on their wedding night. 

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the 
half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got 
undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. 
When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a 
twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of 
 
nose plugs. 

Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those = 
for?" 
The elderly groom replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound 
of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber." 


Q's and A's 
Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? 
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak. 

Q: What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? 
A: They can both smell it but can't eat it. 

Q: How is a woman like a condom? 
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. 

Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried 
Chicken? 

A: By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have 
left is a greasy box to put your bone in. 

Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike? 
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end 
you lose your house. 

Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? 
A: Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim are already in the U.S. 

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? 
A: Kick his sister in the jaw 

Q: What's the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky? 
A: Wayne takes a shower after 3 periods. 

Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off? 
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling. 

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead? 
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up. 

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? 
A: Full. 

Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? 
A: Put a nipple on it. 

Q. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking? 
A. Slow down and use a lubricant. 

Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? 
A. Money 

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job? 
A. After five years your job will still suck. 

Q: What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig? 
A: A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own. 

Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their 
minds? 
A: Because most men are stupid, but few are blind. 

Q: What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common? 
A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen. 

Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? 
A. It's not hard. 

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen 
donuts. 

Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? 
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut! 

Q: What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom? 
A: A pick pocket snatches watches. 

Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering? 
A: More head room. 

Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in common? 
A: They are both used as substitute meat. 

Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs? 
A: One is a Goodyear, and the other is a great year! 

Q: What do old women have between their breasts that young women don't? 
A: A bellybutton! 

Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts? 
A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away. 



Christmas 2000


The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity
scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas.
This wasn't for any religious reasons. They simply have not
been able to find three wise men and a virgin.