Medical Record Goof-Ups
The story is told of a king in Africa who had a close
friend with whom he
grew up. The friend had a habit of looking at every
situation that ever
occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking,
"This is good!"
One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting
expedition. The
friend
would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend
had apparently
done
something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after
taking the gun
from
his friend, the king
fired it and his thumb was blown off. Examining the
situation the friend
remarked as usual, "This is good!" To which the king
replied, "No, this is
NOT good!" and proceeded to send his friend to jail.
About a year later, the king was hunting in
an area that he should have known to stay clear of.
Cannibals captured him
and took them to their village. They tied his hands,
stacked some wood,
set
up a stake and
bound him to the stake. As they came near to set fire to
the wood, they
noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being
superstitious, they
never
ate anyone that was less than whole. So untying the king,
they sent him on
his way.
As he returned home, he was reminded of
the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for
his treatment of
his
friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his
friend. "You
were
right," he said, "it was good that my thumb was blown
off." And he
proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened.
"And so I am very
sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for
me to do this."
"No," his friend replied, "This is good!"
"What do you mean, 'This is good'? How could it be good
that I sent my
friend to jail for a year?"
"If I had NOT been in jail, I would have
been with you."
HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME:
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both mark their territory. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes. Both fart shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games. Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you- - except fetch (and they
never laugh At how you throw.)
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
(OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies,
but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to
you). Dogs understand what "no" means.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
THE TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN
A dog's parents will never visit you.
A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
A dog never expects you to telephone.
A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
A dog does not shop.
There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted
weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he
looked into the mirror admiring his body and noticed that he
was suntanned all over, with the exception of his penis. So
he decided to do something about that. He went to the
beach, completely undressed himself, and buried himself in the
sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the
sand. A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along
the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon
seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane
began to move the penis around with the cane. Remarking to the
other little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice
in the world."
The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by
that?" The first little old lady replied, "Look at that--when I
was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I
was 60, I prayed for it. And when I got to be 70, I forgot about
it. Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm
too old to squat."
"Woes
of a Senile Man"
A sixty-four-year-old man is sitting on a park bench,
sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's
wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm
in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You
don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work,
we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make
love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the
afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and
gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And
then at suppertime, and all night long, we make
love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't
understand. It sounds like you have the perfect
relationship. Why are you crying?"
The senile old man answers, again through his tears,
"I forgot where I live." |
Two
gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then
have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When
the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen
babies are in the ward, 23 of which shriek and scream.
One, over in the corner, smiles serenely. A nurse comes
by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy
child as theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?", one
exclaims, "All these unhappy children, and ours is
so happy." The nurse says, "He's happy now. But
just wait until we take the pacifier out of his
ass."
|
| THE
DRINKER An Irishman was drinking at the pub all
night. The bartender came up to him and told him that the
bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and
fell flat on his face. He tried to stand up one more time
with the same result. So he figured he'd just crawl
outside, hang out for a while, get some fresh air and
hopefully that would sober him up. Once outside he stood
up and fell again -- right on his face. So he decided to
crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrived at the
door he tried one more time with the same results.
Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling to the
bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time
to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright
but he quickly fell right into the bed and fell sound
asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. The next
morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him
shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking
again!!" "What makes you say that?" He
asked as he put on an innocent look. "The pub
called, you left your wheelchair there again." |
EVIL OVERLORD CAREER GUIDE
Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well,
there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However,
every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably
gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I`ve noticed that no matter
whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or
alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every
single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an Evil Overlord:
1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass
visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not
kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on
the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the
Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same
applies to the object which is my one weakness.
� 6. I will not gloat over my enemies predicament before killing them.
� 7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks,
���� "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" my reply
���� will be, "No, just sensible."
� 8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill
���� me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say,
���� "No." and shoot him.
� 9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married
���� immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in
���� three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be
���� carried out.
10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
���� necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button
���� labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not
���� Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid
���� enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not
���� clearly be labelled as such.
11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
���� destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small
���� hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need
���� to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my
���� weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
14. I will not waste time making my enemys death look like an accident.
���� I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't
���� believe it.
15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word
���� "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any
���� flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
���� implementation.
17. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds
���� of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of
���� the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any
���� accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the
���� aforementioned disposal.
18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as
���� members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear
���� military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any
���� other form of last request.
20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find
���� that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to
���� activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting
���� his plan into operation.
21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad
���� scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently
���� twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage
���� he's caused.
22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's
���� just one thing I want to know."
23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to
���� their advice.
24. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned
���� attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal
���� distraction at a crucial point in time.
25. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was
���� evil, but one look at the heros rugged countenance and she'd betray
���� her own father.
26. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
���� maniacal laughter. When so occupied, its too easy to miss
���� unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could
���� adjust to accordingly.
27. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms
���� for my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that
���� make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or
���� savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my
���� troops to have a more positive mind-set.
28. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I
���� will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
29. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops
���� in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize
���� my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons
���� useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages
���� armed with spears and rocks.
30. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and
���� weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job,
���� at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM
���� INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
31. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any
���� sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one
���� small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
32. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are,
���� there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate
���� to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a
���� prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
33. I will never build only one of anything important. For the same
���� reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all
���� times.
34. If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately
���� flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses
���� from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner
���� sanctum to attempt this.
35. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot
���� escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
36. Even though I don`t really care because I plan on living forever, I
���� will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy
���� enough that, if I am slain, it won't stumble to the ground for no
���� good structural reason.
37. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies
���� into confusion.
38. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and
���� cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My
���� foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no
���� source of comic relief.
39. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with
���� surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected
���� reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
40. Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect
���� a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self
���� sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.
41. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad
���� news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are
���� hard to come by.
42. I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes
���� and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some
���� monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to
���� know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc.
���� That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever
���� comes along.
43. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to
���� wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more
���� casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black
���� leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
44. I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party
���� getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
45. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
46. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look
���� diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of
���� Generation X.
47. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell
���� block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I
���� will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of
���� handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
48. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a
���� battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
49. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring
���� anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately,
���� instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of
���� vengeance towards me in my old age.
50. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at
���� the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my
���� opposite number among his army.
51. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an
���� unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as
���� possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
52. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel
���� devices.
53. I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or
���� being executed.
54. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog,
���� monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable
���� of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
55. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the
���� beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and
���� good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her
���� in on my plans.
56. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who
���� work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even
���� the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
57. I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can
���� be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismen.
58. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible
���� for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up
���� I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the
���� price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random
���� underling.
59. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one
���� man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
60. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I
���� will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting
���� for him to mature.
61. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology
���� with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it
���� will not immediately come after me for revenge.
62. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy
���� me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will
���� send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad for
���� it in the local paper.
63. My main computers will have their own special operating system that
���� will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh
���� powerbooks.
64. I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While
���� elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses,
���� they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.
65. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the
���� conditions in the beautiful princess cell, I will immediately
���� transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
66. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to
���� examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and
���� abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
67. If the beautiful princess that I captures says "I'll never marry
���� you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and
���� kill her.
���
68. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being and then attempt
���� to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
69. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place
���� in my Legions of Terror. However, before I send them out on
���� important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will
���� first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would
���� attract less attention.
70. My legions of terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any
���� member who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will
���� be used for target practice.
71. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will
���� carefully read the owners manual.
72. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose
���� dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
73. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
74. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any
���� code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30
���� seconds, it will not be used.
75. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad
���� scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies
���� them.
76. I will never accept a challenge from the hero.
77. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding
���� structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a
���� firefight.
78. I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers
���� are dead.
79. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And
���� they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames
���� going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
80. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely
���� unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to
���� be a disadvantage.
81. If I must have computer systems with publically available
���� terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room
���� clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the
���� Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as
���� Sewage Overflow Containment.
82. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone
���� who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad
���� for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that
���� sequence will trigger the alarm system.
83. If I capture the heros starship, I will keep it in the landing bay
���� with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of
���� explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.
84. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be
���� instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a
���� full-scale emergency.
85. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This
���� is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the
���� offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again,
���� they'd better save my life again.
86. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be
���� delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in
���� foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures
���� of the wild.
87. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always
���� travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if
���� one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will
���� immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of
���� quizzically peering around a corner.
88. If I decide to test a lieutenants loyalty and see if he/she should
���� be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen
���� standing by in case the answer is no.
89. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and
���� begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of
���� using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
90. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged
���� contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for
���� them to win.
91. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that
���� my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will
���� not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of
���� my desk.
92. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse,
���� instead of standing around waiting while members break off and
���� attack one or two at a time.
93. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and
���� struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge.
94. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless
���� trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet
���� access.
