8/22/01

I am thinking about a situation that happened in the past that still bothers me to this day, a situation happened during the school year. I was interested in a certain person and I am a bit shy (I know, Jefferson Chin shy, I can hear laughter but I am when it comes to talking about to girls that I am interested in I am) Well, I told a certain person about the situation (I thought of him as a friend ) he then turned around and started hitting on her and calling her. I became more and more annoyed every time he did, I eventually did some stupid things that made the girl think that I was a crazy person. I thought that at this point anything I do would only increase the image of me being some crazy person in her mind. So I separated myself from the situation, thinking that “if it is meant to be a better situation would arise,” but whenever I think about it, it makes me so annoyed ....close to mad but not there yet.I believe that friendship is very important and when a so called friend screws you over I believe that is a major no no. I just ask myself why would you do that? I asked for advice from my friends from back home and they told me to do things to him that I can not write for the general public. I believe that would be very immature of me and I do not really want to see the inside of a jail cell either. Am I wrong for feeling this way, I wonder?

7/29/01

I am in such pain today; I decided that I should start exercising again so I joined a local dojang to practice Tae Kwon Do again. After one day I can hardly walk let alone move my upper body, I am so out of shape. It is fine though, I really do not care I really am in a state of mind where I am not letting anything thing bother me, because so much in my life is falling apart but it isn’t making my life hell because I know that even though something may break either it will be fixed or it will be replaced. Away from the subject, I just came from church today and I am so” spent” I think it is because I do not act natural in church and it is sort of like suffocating, I am naturally talkative, very social and LOUD. I was thinking that I also might have to find a new church, I am getting highly attracted to one of the members which I do not know is a good thing or bad so I think I have to figure out my feelings before I do anything because when I make a commitment to a girl I will give her my all, so I have to make sure that she is the right one to give her my all. That is why that none of my relationships haven’t lasted past a month and a half mark, I just didn’t see myself living out the rest of my mortal days with them. I know that sounds bad but well it is the truth no reason to further a relationship that isn’t going to last, it just makes it harder to break off. I know that my “boys” think I am crazy but their punks so I don’t care, did you hear that you’re PUNKS! Hahahahah! You know I love you guys, all except one of you, guess which one it is …heheheh! Just kidding, you know I hate you all evenly hahahaha! I am just full of them (bad jokes come easily to me)

7/21/01

I have decided to volunteer at the Korean community center in San Francisco as a web design teacher. I thought that I should do something productive with myself because I think that a life were you go to work and then go out with friends is just to mundane. I hate being stuck in a route it is driving me crazy, I think that in life that you have to be as productive as possible. It can be little things but it has to be something, I heard a quote that sort of summarized it well, “be ashamed to die, until you won some victory for humanity.” Horace Mann. I think that it can be small victories like recycling or just not wasting food, but it has to be something. So I decided to teach kids at the Korean community center, I also volunteered to help VBS at KCPC the church that I go to in San Francisco but I guess that I can not help because I can not go to the meetings that are in Berkeley. Hmmmm … I guess then it was not meant to be, (no, I am not usually this whishy washy) I just have no energy right now to many things are in my head, so I started taking walks to the beach which is about 23-30 blocks away. I suggest everyone takes part in something like that; it really does put things in perspective and also helps you to remember things that you think that you have forgotten.

7/12/01

When a right can turn into a wrong:
This daily thought actually has a title, because when I saw this situation take place those words came to mind. Well now I will tell you the story, as I was sitting in Muni (San Francisco bus system) I was standing waiting for my stop, when a younger gentlemen (let us call him Mr. X) he was about his early 20’s, started verbally assaulting as older gentleman (let us call him Mr. Y) he was about in his early 40’s. What I pulled from the conversation was this Mr. X was mad at Mr. Y because he had a big bag that he was occupying a seat with. Mr. X was rightly mad because there were a lot of older men and woman in there late 50’s having to stand because Mr. Y thought that his bag needed a seat. So I thought that Mr. X was justified in his anger over Mr. Y’s lack of proper decency. When this right turned wrong was that when Mr. X started swearing and actually “stepped up” to Mr. Y (stepped up = going nose to nose with the other person and daring him to either make a move, i.e. punch him, or make him wuss out) I am defining it for the less ghetto and the (English as a second language people) Well the situation was resolved with Mr. Y getting off at the next stop, but I thought that this was a perfect example of a Right turning in to a wrong.

7/02/01

I was just came from a lecture where the instructor was talking about a certain program, teaching others that did not know the program was a long a tedious task that he had taken on. One other person besides me did not need any help because we were both familiar with the program and quite fluent. So essentially I had a lot of time on my hands, so I was observing people and I my eyes and ears where both caught by the person that knew the program and his computer mate (the one that he was sharing his computer with). The person that knew the program was quite annoying since he had that cocky air about him that he showed with each sound of disgust and flippant remark whenever anyone had to ask a question, but he was not as annoying as his computer mate, because he wanted to show that he knew more then the rest with the only way that he knew how (stupid as it may sound some people need to show their superiority in any place they can find it) but I found his computer mate a million times more annoying. He obviously did not know what was going on with the program but he did not want to look dumb in front is computer mate, so he followed him in the little chuckles and scoffs. I found that "annoying" since I find it stupid of the man to not culture his mind just because he did not want to lose face in front of his computer mate. He would gain so much more in the long run if he just lost face in front of that one person. Is that human nature? Not wanting to look dumb in front of others that probably would not mean anything to them in the future?

7/01/01

So my new mission in life is to be “chill” try not to let things in life rile me. I will be, as the saying goes, “cool as a cucumber.” I have begun reading Kierkegaard a philosopher that is a Christian; he uses a lot of his faith in his writing. He is a much lighter read then Plato is, for he uses humor to break up the heavy nature of his writing; meaning that you will chuckle to yourself now and then. Well apart from that, today was a pretty interesting day; I went to church with a couple of things that I wanted to accomplish. Fear and stupidity prevented me from accomplishing one of them, and the other I bumbled but I accomplished in a non-direct way. WHY OH WHY! Do I have so many insecurities in church? Guilty conscious? Lack of confidence? Hmmmmm? I do not know but hopefully I will figure it out. God knows what I want to accomplish, heck my friends know what I want to accomplish, why do I find it so difficult? I never had a problem with the “situation” before *sigh*! Well, I will forge on and have faith that if it is meant to be, it will be accomplished.

6/30/01

Wow … have I been flaky! I have an excuse though I had to go to Kansas to see one of my good friends get married (I was a groom’s man), I had work and I also had to balance a somewhat normal social life. You of course can check out the wedding pictures in the “photo” section. Let me see … to update my thoughts, I have done some thinking and I have decided to be a “nicer” person, because my friend Johnny convinced me that I am not as social able as I should be, so I decided that I will try harder. Do you hear me Johnny! Hahahahaha! Well, other things that have been going on in my life, I have been cyber surfing a lot these days and trying to get some pen pals, since I will not be traveling anytime soon I need to get my traveling “fix” somewhere, so I am living vicariously through other people, sad huh? That is it for now but I hope to write more soon.

Archived 5/21/01-6/02/01