In a galaxy far away and in a time before intelligent life as we know it (in other words anything before we were born) there lived a group of kids pretty much like us. They were bored out of their gourds with the movie choices they had and would aimlessly walk the malls every Saturday searching for that Holy Grail of something to do.
Suddenly without warning there came the dawn of a new age. A new movie full of all the light and sound and spiffy special effects anyone could ever imagine. These kids were drawn to repeatedly watching it like kids today are drawn to watching the Titanic go down a couple hundred times. These kids learned more about the characters and background and history of this movie then they knew about their own families. They ran out and bought every toy, book, poster and other movie tie in they could find. These kids then fell in love with each other over this movie and grew up and got married and they had kids.
Those kids are US! That's right! Our mothers were the first girls to fall in love with Luke or Han and to dream of getting in Darth' face like Leia did. Our fathers were the first guys to dream of piloting an x-wing to a rebel victory and to swing a light saber and master the force like Obi. They role played and dreamed just like we do today. It's a little scary to think that my dad knows as much about Boba Fett as I do and my mom even knows who someone like Greedo is.
But my real concern is did I inherit this attraction to Star Wars from my parents? Was it my own idea or was it programmed into my DNA before I was even born by the fact that both my parents watched Star Wars all 3 movies at least a thousand times each. Did my mother ever watch these movies while she was pregnant with me? Were my parent's genes altered forever by their overuse of the Star Wars theme? Was I in fact born addicted to this movie? Or did I have the free will to discover it by myself? Do I just really like Star Wars? Anyone with information or ideas about this worrisome notion can e-mail me through this web page. I would really like this explained to me.
2. When you're talking with him in public:
- A. Let you drive his Landspeeder.
- B. Talk in grammatically correct sentences.
- C. Spill his top-secret military strategies to you, or let you touch his helmet.
- A. He looks at his com-link, and fiddles with his newly acquired light saber.
- B. He looks way up at you, unless he's standing on a table.
- C. Everyone looks, because he sounds like he's talking to you through a vacuum cleaner hose.
4. As a couple you and he:
- A. Frequently but by accident, and often with a rope.
- B. Never. You're taller then him.
- C. Never lets you down but, repeatedly throws you into the pit of doom.
5. You and he are fooling around and he wants to continue. You don't, and you say so. He:
- A. Frequently discover mutual relatives.
- B. Share slugs and moss balls in the swamps of Dagobah.
- C. Are constantly watching waiters and doormen drop around you by some mysterious neck disease.
6. His policy on lying is:
- A. Closes his light saber and lets you stop shooting at him.
- B. Stops whacking you in the shin with his cane.
- C. Stops practicing his death grip on you only after you've turned at least three shades of blue.
7. You've been spending so much time with him. You begin to feel:
- A. ((This is not a lie. I am always honest. You will always believe me.)) (he doesn't consider force persuasion lying).
- B. You wouldn't understand it even if it was a lie because his sentences have no structure.
- C. His word is law so there is no such thing as a lie.
- A. A nagging need to date someone else.
- B. A constant crick in your back and a sore neck from bending over to look at him.
- C. A constant sense of impending doom.
Your significant other is a young idealistic although slightly stupid student at a non-accredited non-traditional institute of higher learning. A little green man in a burlap sack, who keeps whacking him in the shin with his cane is his teacher. This is probably why he decides not to graduated and goes off gallivanting across the universe, falling in trash compactors, loosing limbs, and discovering long lost relatives who wear vacuum cleaners and black leotards. He has a tendency to date close relatives, so go test your DNA before going any further.
What is 900 years old, green, has pointy ears, warts and stands only 2 feet tall? He's your dream guy! He may be vertically and youthfully challenged, but he makes up for it in his willingness to live in a hole in a tree and eat bugs. Hey! If this is your thing, just be aware when he asks you to go for a walk, he means he rides you, as you climb over roots, trees, walls, rocks, and levitate over large bottomless pits and through parasite infested swamp waters.
You asked for tall dark and handsome, but what you got was a decrepit old man in a vacuum cleaner and a black cape with delusions of grandeur. Don't be fooled by his outward appealing looks, when you peel away the mask...actually...don't go there. Leave the mask alone and run for your life. This guy is not above using the force to make you call him long distance so you can listen to his heavy breathing.
Yarkblat's Journal(The Blair Yarkblat Project???)
It is the end of the Millenium on earth and Yarkblat, a nineteen-year-old Venusian space explorer has decided to make his first ever visit there. As he zooms across the United States he is surprised to see that strange new formations, each identical to the other, have developed almost overnight in nearly every city. These formations do not appear on his up to the minute handy-dandy tour guide. He notes in his voice-activated journal (as translated by um..ME!.. from the Venusian) "These formations appear to be permanent. Long and big enough to be seen from space and they appear to extend from various sized rectangular formations that have been previously documented in my tour guide. And there seems to be a shimmering colorful quality about them. After hovering for three earth days, I have noted that the formations seem to be growing as I write. I'm going in for a closer look."
Yarkblat zooms in on a random North American city. As his ship descends, the people of Earth began to scatter, shrieking in terror. Yarkblat realizes he has made an intergalactic blunder by allowing himself to be seen, but he has to find out what this unusual growth is before he returns home. As he approaches the formation, his auditory sensors pick up an unusual sound emanating from the line like the buzz of thousands of excited bees. He places his hand lightly on his immobilizer net emitter, and prepares to face whatever danger might be lurking inside the strange slowly swaying formation. His years of excruciating and exacting trooper training could not prepare him for what he is about to encounter.
People flee from this towering ten foot tenacled orange terror as he disembarks and steps bravely toward the formation. The fleeing earth beings lull him into a false sense of security. He stops suddenly and begins to laugh. "Grf grf grf!" (Loosely translated: he he he). Again he notes in his journal, "What I took to be a strange formation that may have caused serious damage to the intergalactic peace, is merely a tightly packed conglomeration of multicolored oddly dressed Earth dwelling humanoids. I have decided to inconspicuously penetrate this formation as it appears to have not noticed me at all, while the lesser life forms on this planet have scattered in fear of me. I am now going to enter the strange formation in hope of finding out its purpose."
Yarblat takes a step and tries to enter, but he finds the wall of humanoids is impenetrable. He tries a second time and his auditory sensors begin to pick up various words and phrases of the current Earth culture. Checking his translator, he is surprised to find that these humanoids appear to want him to do things that his Venusian figure is not anatomically capable of. Using his transmitter and hoping to allay suspicion of his identity, he begins to casually repeat some of the phrases and words back to the Earth people. He tries a third time to penetrate the line. This is the point in our narrative where Yarblat's journal is cut off suddenly and unexpectedly. Venusian imperial police investigating the strange disappearance of a prominent young explorer, were able to piece together the remainder of the story from the ships auto-log and intense monitoring of native visual signal waves emanating from the planet. Apparently the formation of humanoid life forms were a gathering of fanatical worshipers of the sub-culture called "Star Wars". Yarkblat's attempts to penetrate the formation were taken by the Earth people as an act of aggression known as, "cutting in line." Humanoid records state that an orange costumed man tried to "cut in line", and was stopped in a rather gruesome way by the earthlings attempting to remove his tentacle costume. Earthlings realizing they made a mistake then took Yarblat into the line and he was never seen or heard from again. (Although volunteers monitoring the planet have recently seen a figure in the formation which appears to be a tentacled Venusian in a strange black helmet and cape but attempts to communicate with him have yielded only a strange deep breathing sound.) Investigators believe that Yarblat was initiated into the strange rites of these Star Wars worshippers and choses to remain with them.
Researchers working on this project believe that this ritual will reoccur approximately every two years. The worshipers of this sub-culture will gather in these formations for many weeks to enter these strange temples. They make a sacrificial offering of decorated green paper to enter, where they remain for approximately 2 earth hours. They exit this building in an highly animated state of euphoria and run immediately back to the end of the formation to repeat the process (which is why the formation appears to be unchanging from space). Researchers do not yet know what is inside the building or what this Star Wars phenomenon is, but the word "prequels" keeps popping up in all records. Venusians are warned that attempting to visit this planet could be hazardous to their health during this time of upheaval and recommend that they should stay clear of this planet until all signs of this activity has ceased. Tour guides will keep you posted.
Coming Soon!!
Dating Star Wars
(Post-prequel Version)
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