[email protected]
You see, it is exactly that which I enjoy about these two courses, but specifically Math. There are rules, priniciples, algorithms for exactly what to do and when. Perhaps I like Math because ideas like these come extremely easy to me. Everything is either black or white. It is or it is not. You do it or you do not. Logic reigns supreme. In fact, areas like Mathematics, the Sciences, and Grammar are the only places, it seems, where such logic can be found. I tend to try to overanalyze certain things, certain areas, certain "cores" in my life, all the time trying to apply a certain Mathematical logic to them. Now obviously, as it should go without saying, I mean that completely metaphorically. I don't actually look at someone and attempt to "differentiate" them. That is ridiculous. You should be slapped for even thinking that.
Perhaps I am thinking about these things now b/c the Oh-So-Romantic Valentine' Day holiday has come and gone, and I, for yet another year, had no one with whom to share it (that is, women being one of the "cores" that I referred to above). I so often hear my females friends complain about the holiday, and it makes me wonder: If guys don't really care about it, and women tend to complain unless they have someone, then why does it even exist? Again, me with the logic. But it makes sense... Just think about it.
Ironic how I have so many female friends and not a single gf. This is also a "problem" that I often think about. That I attempt to apply flawless logic to. That I actually become angry about when I think about for while. Few have seen me actually, ACTUALLY angry. Props go out to my Mom, Mike Lanich, and Phil Hill for putting up with my "angry rants." When they happen, they are events to see, let me tell you. As you can see, they have only happened three times in my life. I have been angry before, but I bottle those feelings up and ultimately unleash them, sometimes on those who aren't deserving of my anger. For that, I apologize. However, back to my flawless logic. This is something that I want all to read and think about, then email me at [email protected] with a response to. Think for a minute, if you will, about those qualities that you look for in a friend... ... ... ... ... My list could go on for days, but include, for example, such things as loyalty, great personality, fun to be around, trustworthy, loving... blah blah blah. The list really does go on and on. Now take another minute and consider those qualities that you look for in a bf/gf... ... ... ... For those of you who cannot see where I am going with this, I will list just a few examples of what I am looking for: loyalty, great personality, fun to be around, trustworthy, loving... blah blah blah. Whoa... no no no, that was not a typo. You see, after analyzing such ideas, the only quality that I can come up with that may be different - depending on where your thoughts lie - is some sort of physical attraction. It is precisely for this reason that I have such difficulty with women. I don't "understand" how to have a friendship with a woman that is not spoken for, b/c they eventually end up with me thinking about this logic. This has happened more than 3 or 4 times in my only 18 years of life. Perhaps, as I pointed out, since physical attraction is that only difference that I can come up with, I am not what one would consider physically attractive. The weight? I don't know... I have lost weight... hahaha... Regardless, this is where my thoughts on this subject have layed for around 4 years or so now. As a side note, if you do decide to email me with some sort of response, do not do so with incoherent babel. Form your ideas. Speak them. And also, do not shower me with compliments on my physical appearance; that was NOT the intention of the above statements. If you do so, I WILL become angry with you. You have been warned! ;)
On a side note, after a somewhat dry period of brotherhood and commraderie in my life, I have re-affirmed my lasting friendships with not only The Guys, but Steve, my Cousins (the only one's that count!), Mike L., and Luke. I have not seen many of these guys in a long time, save only for intermittent periods of time where we might do something for a few hours or a day or so, but things are looking up. The Guys have started having "(Insert Random Video Game) Parties" at Dustin's house on a weekly basis, which has helped me fall back into the swing with them after a somewhat rocky and confusing 6 months or so. Steve and I have been talking more freely as well, and he has come over here to spend the day recently. It was an absolutely great time. Great Fun! Over Xmas break, I was fortunate enough to be able to spend time with my lifelong brothers, Sherman and Sean. It was also a great time. Brianna is getting so big. She is easily one of the cutest little girls in the family. Sean is lucky. I had felt bad, originally, after recieving a phone call from Sean in which I came to the realization that I had been slowly but surely distancing myself from them. This is NOT something that I EVER want to happen. I have more and more frequently, ever since a "talk" that we had at a party of mine, been talking to Mike Lanich. This is one of the greatest friendships in my life, and certainly takes precedence over all others. I have known him now for almost 12 years. You know you have something right with someone when you can measure the duration of your relationship in decades. Likewise, I have increasingly been doing/talking more with Luke and his friends, whom are also incredibly important to me. However, all of this seems to be at the expense of a relationship with Jenna. In the past few weeks, we have been progessively talking less and less. Granted, I was not able to make it home one of these past weekends. That being said, however, I feel as though we have not talked in ages. This stems, certainly, from the fact that for the past few months we were easily able to pass a day talking about anything and everything. I think that this also has something to do with the fact that she, too, finds herself getting closer to The Guys after a somewhat confusing period of time, specifically Dustin. I am not sure yet how I feel about this... More on this as my thoughts crystalize and begin to take form. Regardless, I do not want to become distant with her, similar to the way that I do not want to become distant to the Twins (that is, my cousins, Sherman and Sean). I would just like to say that I thank God, from the bottom of my heart, for all of the friendships that he has graced me with. I am truly, truly, deeply thankful. Anyone mentioned in this paragraph, you have no idea what you mean to me. I love you all.
That is it for today's entry. I hope that this sets a precident that I can follow on a daily basis. If this has peaked your interest, then follow up on it. Read it on a daily basis. And please, EMAIL ME. Give me some sort of constructive criticism or insight that may shine light on subjects that are brought up here. Until next time.
I have a good weekend to look forward to. Chad is coming over tomorrow, and he is going to sit in on my classes with me. This is something that I really appreciate. I also hope that such a stimulation may produce a feeling of necessity in him, that he may consider attending college too. Attending class with me is something that I wish all my high school friends, ie The Guys (+Jenna, which I will come to later), could do with me sometime, even if they find it uninteresting or even over their heads. However, I have every confidence that they would enjoy it, at least to some degree. After class, Chad, Christian, and Christian's roomies and I are going to play some Magic, and I have the intention to show Chad the Comic Swap shop that I discovered a few weeks ago on my journeys with Steve. Who knows when we will be home? Beyond Friday, I potentially have some Tennis to look forward to in Altoona with Phil and Jenna. This is, of course, granted I am able to use the van. If not, then, well, my Saturday is freed up, save for Saturday night, where I will be going with the guys to a Guts-'n-Glory Halo party, where I am sure team Clearfield will emerge victorious. I'm sorry, but Dustin, Brandon, Matt and myself... who can beat that? Sunday is hopefully just a relaxation time of sorts... Perhaps Jenna and I will do something, or Phil and I, or some variation thereof.
In thinking about Chad coming over here and taking me home this weekend, I think about how Rachael was supposed to come over here this weekend and chill or whatever. I talked to her about it, and we've decided on another night, but I hope that she is not angry with me. I kind of feel as though I may have backed out on plans. I have a very bad habit of this, and it is another thing that I am attempting to reconsile. I have a guilt problem, if you have not noticed, especially when it concerns women. It does not matter what type of woman we are dealing with; be it the placated, quiet type who would not want to admit that they are hurt (ie Rachael, as I can surmise so far), or the type who would outrightly tell you if they are pissed or trying to make you feel guilty, either because they don't care or because they feel comfortable enough around you to simply tell you (ie Jenna... come on, you know you would ;) ). I never leave a situation where I have an inkling of a feeling that someone is mad at me... rather, where a woman is mad at me. I have, on numerous occasions, made this EXPLICITLY clear with Jenna, who enjoys employing use of the word "whatever," or even better, "whatev," when she does not want to talk about her anger with me. This is the reason, for any of you who already know, why I harbor such a distaste for those words. Even when used in OK context, I don't like them. They just carry such a negative connotation. I will not let someone's anger with me fester. You better either hide it very well, or be ready to talk about it, b/c we will progress no further, nor will I leave, until we discuss it. This is actually a good habit to get into, and I recommend it to everyone.
As I write this, I am watching television, and I see a commercial for Girls Gone Wild. GGW commercials such as these immediately peak interest - yes, of the sexual nature, but - but make me think once again about women. This is a subject that you will undoubtedly hear a lot about, so if you don't like it, I suggest you stop reading my journals, or, put up with it, frankly. Sorry. Anyways, I, like ANY other highschool/college-age male is enticed by thoughts of sex. It IS what drives us, even we of high morals. However, I can be honest when I say that, for some unknown reason, I long more for the embrace of a woman in a cuddling-kind of sense, even moreso than of the sexual kind. DO NOT get me wrong: I would probably not pass up the offer of sex by someone, depending, of course. However, there is something even more enticing about cuddling, or, better yet, waking up next to a woman. Steve is the only other male with whom I have conversed and have expressed this interest to, and I was shocked to find that our overtly-horny Steve also shares this feeling. He shared a story with me about how when he woke up next to 'a woman' the next morning, the feeling he got was even greater than that of sex the night before. I cannot explain this... It is just another part of me.
I took a Calculus midterm today, and I may have gotten a high B or low A. I am OK with recieving a grade like this. However, I do not really ENJOY getting a grade like this. When I asked others, they said they would be happy if they passed. This is another idea that I grapple with. How can one settle for less than perfection when something that they will use for the rest of their life is concerned? Take, for example, a doctor. I feel that doctors should have to get no less than A- on all of their required courses, especially biology and chemistry courses. This may sound elitist in a way, but it makes sense, I think. Look around you... everywhere, there are individuals who are going to college and entering the workforce "educated," when really, the only things they are educated about are how many shots of vodka go into a Long Island Iced Tea. I frankly am not comfortable with such individuals being considered professionals. However, this is a sad fact of life with which I have to live. Oh well... Rome wasn't built in a day. Touche.
Well, I am now tired, but could go on for days. That means more of this to come, but not until I return to my Internet Haven here at school. Auf wiedersehen, au revoir, hasta luego, arrivederci, valeas, until next time.
So the weekend started off with a bang. Chad came over, and he and I went to all my classes - except, of course, Microecon - and he seemed to enjoy them, of course, what he could understand of them. I think that his personal favorite was Macroecon b/c it deals so closely to things that he has, himself, been through. After class, we ventured to Christian's dorm and played Magic with Christian and his roommates for like 2 hours or so, afterwhich time we went back to my dorm, only to find that Jenna, Alyson, Leah, and Lydia decided to grace me, Roommate Dan, and our room with their presence, leaving notes on the dry-erase board and papers and such. It is unfortuante that I missed them. It would have been fun to see them. No matter, however; Jenna and Alyson showed up at my house when they arrived in Clearfield for a little while, at around 9 or 10 (I don't remember). While Jenna and Alyson were there, Chels called, and her and her friend & sister, Jess and Jess, were having "fun." They asked if I wanted to go to the Truck Stop, and I said that I might show up. After a few minutes of talking about various subjects, Jenna and I decided to go to Dustin's to see what was popping over there. As we pulled in, we decided to go to Wal-Mart and the Truck Stop. We went to the Truck Stop first to see if we could catch Chels and the Jesses, but they weren't there. I later found that they had had too much 'fun,' and found it in their collective best interests to not go driving. The Guys and I decided to get some stuff to eat or whatnot, and it was good. We then skipped Wal-Mart and went to Dustin's, where we just goofed off and downloaded pictures whilst talking to a seemingly upset Jenna online. I just layed down and rolled around in Auto Traders all night. Great fun ensued.
The next day, Jenna and I went to Aunt Kelley's, where we watched the Lion King 1 1/2 with Chase, and were showered with gifts for doing so. Chase and Carly (spelling?) are always fun kids. We proceeded to get me a much needed hair cut, and it's looking pretty damn sharp if you ask me. Nice and short. Then I decided to have Jenna drop me off at my house so I could shower, and she went to Dustin's. I called Phil, and he came over and we watched Star Trek:TNG while watching Angela for Mom and Charlie for like 2 hours. After this time, we went to Dustin's. Much more on this later.
After watching a very thought provoking film called "Waking Life" - which talked about such Philosophical topics as Existentialism, Neohumans, God vs. Science, dreaming and it's effect on reality, and the ulitimate 'ability' of humans - with Matt, Dustin, Matt, Phil, Brandon and I left for Cody's and a Halo party. We stopped at LJS, where Brandon was gracious enough to provide us with free food, and where great fun occured. Matt threw a pizza box out of the car and left it in the Drive-Thru, Matt continuously yelled "Yo WAIT A SECOND!," and where we decided to hook up the Gamecube to Dustin's van's TV, so we played Smash Bros until Cody's.
Once there, the party started. We pretty much played Halo, watched far-too-young girls do gymnastics, etc., and having sinful, whilst unfortuantely statutory, thoughts. To sum up the night:
-I shoulda never give you niggas money!
-Yo wait a second!
-Clearfield rocks PO in CTF Halo every fucking time!
-Matt can't do any sort of gymnastic anything.
-I just really wanted to wail on someone's legs.
-Reefer
-Ice cream is expensive at Uni-Mart
It was quite the great time for sure. Everyone was pretty paranoid after all the gaming had ended, b/c we had started playing Doornob/Safety, and everyone pretty much just wanted to wail on someone elses legs, a la The Chapelle Show.
Alas, as promised before, more about Dustin's house on Saturday night. When Phil and I arrived, everything seemed in order. Brandon was sleeping on the floor, Matt was playing various games on Addictinggames.com, and Dustin and Jenna were laying on the bed/each other...... Did I say everything was in order? Whoops. I forgot how that was in the normal order of things... my bad? I'm frankly not sure how comfortable everyone else feels about this situation... I'm frankly uncomfortable with it. Friends, I am afraid, do not lay on each other, under covers, whispering to each other - about what, I care not. Name a 'friend' with whom you have done this...? I completely understand, however - do not misunderstand me - that they were bf/gf. But it is exactly the fact that they 'were' bf/gf that does this situation an injustice. These are the things that make this situation uncomfortable with me. Please understand that I do know that because they were once bf/gf, it makes being 'just friends,' if that is indeed their collective intention, difficult. However, what I have witnessed, from an objective perspective, is not a frienship. It is the start - or rather, restart - of a 'something more' relationship. I certainly hope that this does not come as a suprise; I'm not exactly sure how one could witness such things and not raise one's eyebrow. The Guys are all getting along again, and it is a great, fortunate occassion. Jenna is getting along with everyone again. Again, a great, fortunate occassion. However, I wish that there were not a price for such fortune. (If they are to read this, do not let this journal entry retard your once again budding relationship, whatever kind of miskewed, disheveled sort of relationship that may be - However, I'm not sure you would've let it do that in the first place; I just wanted to make sure you know. ;) I still love you guys... nothing is/will change) I feel that this situation, once they precisely know and express more freely what they want out of it, will become easier for me to accept. But right now, it is certainly a long, hard piece to swallow. I certainly hope that this is not a charade, or that they begin making anyone guess. Not that it is anyone's business, but one should not lie to ones friends, but much more importantly, to oneself. It is and always will be my philosophy to - while I still consider myself a good, caring, and unselfish person - lookout for #1. I have told this to many a person, and they know who they are. This is my turn. Time to practice what I preach, eh... Touche Joe, touche.
I talked to Sean Rawlings tonight online - he finally got the Internet!!! yes!! - for the first time in a few months. It was good to hear from him. It is always good to talk to him about women, boobs, and women. hahah... This is another lifelong friend. It is my belief that we all have friends in this world to serve a purpose, to better us. That is to say, while we all will always have lifelong friends, and they know who they are, that other friends are only in your life to serve a purpose that betters you in some situation or way. Everyone in this world enriches us in some way... It it, however, the 'role,' as it were, of a select few to enrich us like none other... *ugggg* I can't seem to articulate what I'm thinking about this idea right now. I will certainly ponder what I am attempting to say and discuss it further at a later date.
Nothing said in todays entry is to be taken offensive... reread the entry. You will see that only when I made it explicitly clear otherwise, I remained in the 3rd person. I was not attacking anyone. Simply stating myself in present time. As I too am trying to come to grips with others' feelings, please try to come to grips with mine. Let us not ruin anything good about this, ourselves...
Today was a decent day. I woke up, went to classes, ate, played some Chrono Trigger - which I am unbelievably far in - et cetera. In calculus today, we got our midterms back, and I was pleased to see that I got a 92 on the exam - which is an A - especially considering the fact that the average scores were in the range of 59-62 somewhere! Difficult? Yeah. Also, I was pondering my future today, and I have come to the realization that I would like to do something more than just Math... perhaps even something not even related at all, such as a liberal art, like a language or lingistics itself, et cetera. I really have no idea yet, though. This is something that I still have some time to think about, so...
I talked to Jenna, Phil, Rachael, Chelsey, Dustin and Matt tonight. They were all good talks. Nothing really to report on them. I think that Jenna may be upset at me - actually, I am sure that she is, as she affirmed it by saying so - and I have an inkling feeling that it's because of things that are said in this journal. As a matter of fact, I did not push the issue with her tonight b/c I was actually fairly certain that's what it was. Unfortunately, this is not something that I can really help, nor do I feel that is something that I should try to help. These are, for better or worse, my feelings. I am sorry if I offend, but to read these takes a certain sort of transparency or understanding. Hmmm... perhaps a better way to say this? hmmm... I think that it takes a leap out of one's body or ownself, so as to not be offended. But hey, I mean she may not be the only one mad about it?... Again, if I offend, je suis desolee, but perhaps that is a sign that you should, at least for now, stop reading these.
After reading a little, praying a little, et cetera, I feel that I am more easily coming to grips with whatever decisions my friends make about themselves. It is certainly in their hands, as it concerns them, and in God's hands, as it concerns me. I find that if only I could more easily turn to my faith in such situations - or rather, all situations - that I would have less and less problems when dealing with said situations. Tonight, I am going to read Job, as it appears to be helping a friend of mine relate to his life; a friend who seems to be going through similar things. We shall certainly see.
Au revoir, Auf wiedersehen, Hasta luego, arrivederci, valea, Until next time...
At the indirect behest of a friend of mine, I have begun reading Job. This is an amazing book of the Old Testament, and one that I find easy to relate to as well. Take, for example, Job's question regarding why those who are wicked seemingly are not punished by God : "Men of ease have contempt for misfortune as the fate of those whose feet are slipping. The tents of marauders are undisturbed, and those who provoke God are secure - those who carry their god in their hands. (Job 12:5-6)" This is certainly a dilemma that all of us with faith have questioned at some point. However, this was just a verse to get those unfamilar acquainted with Job. The following verse holds more personal clout and pertinence: "Doubtless you are the people, and wisdom will die with you! But I have a mind as well as you; I am not inferior to you. Who does not know all these things? I have become a laughingstock to my friends, though I called upon God and he answered! - a mere laughingstock, though righteous and blameless! (Job 12:2-4)" This verse, as well as all that of Job which I have read, has proven to me that perhaps even when I feel that there is no place for blame on me, that I am, in fact, at least partially to blame. This is something upon which I will reflect, and certainly something that I would integrate into my situation, particularly when I am quick to point the finger.
I have provided consul to all my friends, save only a few, and indeed have done so without hesitation. Why else do we have friends? But what about when I am struggling with something? When I have a problem, where are they? In fact, Job asked this VERY QUESTION: "I also could speak like you, if you were in my place; I could make fine speeches against you and shake my head at you. But my mouth would encourage you; comfort from my lips would bring you relief. Yet if I speak, my pain is not relieved; and if I refrain, it does not go away. (Job 16:4-6)" THIS is the singlemost profound and startingly relevent verse that I have yet to come across in Job. It COMPLETELY parallels my situation(s). Last night, in a conversation with Rachael, I was asked, seemingly out of the blue, "Are you okay?" Am I okay? Sure, I feel okay? It had been a while since anyone had asked me that question. Now, also consider for a moment that I don't really even know Rachael as well as others. Is that to say that Rachael is extremely perceptive (and as such, should aspire to attain a deeper friendship with her)? Does it mean that those who know what it is that I am ailed by simply do not have the perception to see whether I am okay or not? Does it mean that those who know my problems simply do not wish to discuss them with me???
Finally, I feel that, in light of recent revelations, I must reiterate that this journal is an exposition of my feelings, for better or worse. Should anything in this journal offend, I apologize. But if I have a bad day, and come to this journal as a solice... as a way to get those feelings off my chest, do not compound them with further feelings of spite or anger: "Have pity on me, my friends, have pity, for the hand of God has struck me. Why do you pursue me as God does? Will you never get enough of my flesh? (Job 19:21-22)" This is all I ask.
Upon rereading this entry, I would like to emphasize that this was not intended to be a pity party for me. It was merely intended to show that Job, and moreover, the Bible, contains parallels to life, but more specifically, my present life. It is not as if the 'situations' of which I speak are life-threatening or life-altering. It would be unfair to call them even bumps in the road. They are mere 'hiccups' in the road, if you will.
Rachael was unable to come over tonight. That is ok, though. I had no money with which to... do anything anyways. We will certainly have to do something over Spring Break though, which was the plan in the first place. Today was a busy day for me, and while I had received the message she sent saying she was unable to come over, I was not able to respond. I hope that my unresponsiveness does not appear as spite or anger to her. I am not upset. Sorry for not messaging, Rach.
Further, upon checking my email, I found that Chelsey had emailed me with her thoughts and prayers. For that, I am forever grateful and indebted. Thank you. If you ever need anything, do not hesitate. J'espere que toutes mes amis ont ete comme ca, non?
I hope that I am able to find a way home this weekend, that I can play tennis this Saturday (moreover, that I can drive to Altoona to play!), and that I can play Halo at Dustin's empty appartment party Saturday night. I suppose I ought to get on the ball, huh? The only thing that worries me is that next week, I have 3 midterms coming, one on Tuesday, and 2 on Friday (plus a quiz on Wednesday). With all of these exams and quizzes and such, I am worried that if I go home this weekend, I may be wasting good study time. We shall see what happens.
Et bien, ca c'est le fin! Au revoir... (In case you're wondering, yes, it is German that I am taking this semester, but it is French that I use in this journal. My reasoning is 2-fold: 1)No one I know that would read this journal, save for Luke, can speak French, and 2)I frankly don't have the understanding or vocabulary for German that I do for French. So... Later on)
"Expression is a crazy thing: It's a pillar on which all human relationships stand, but it's as thin and frail as a toothpick when misinterpreted."
It's self-explanatory...
Have a good weekend everyone; I will be! Tennis is on the way! Halo is on the way! Time to chill with my friends... I'll update with anything that is pertinent. Later on!
Friday night, I got home and chilled with Phil and Jenna for a while. We went to Wal-Mart, where I partook of the beauty of Sweettarts Jelly Beans, available only at Easter-time. mmmmm TRY 'EM BITCHES! After that, I went out to Brother Chad's house, where we got a party kicked off. Steve and I took off towards Chad's simultaneously, and once we got there, we inbibed mass quantities of Rum & Coke. Soon after, Dustin and Matt showed up, and, while they didn't drink, they added to the party with their own... ... ... OK, no they didn't, but... ahhaha.. jk... It was fun. After initially passing out, Steve woke me up with a few well place leg hair pulls and fingernail pinches. I asked where Dustin and Matt went, then ran outside, screaming and yelling like an idiot trying to catch up and say goodbye. Dustin, you should've believed that you needed to take that right! After I got back inside, I started talking to Sandy about women and (why they do) the things they do. It was a good, informative talk... but I still have my doubts about aspects sometimes. I woke up the next morning at 10, and was off to home, with a beating headache and a barfy feeling in my stomach.
Once I got home, I received a phone call from Phil informing me to meet him over at the tennis courts for a pre-discussed shovelling of the ole Driving Park Tennis Courts. I got a shower, and as I got out, I saw my family leaving, not telling me where they were going. In a rush, I looked around for shovels, and couldn't find them. So I went over to the park anyway, and lo, my family was there, all shovelling away at the icy, snow covered courts. They gave me the van to go get Jenna and Phil - who apparently called when I was in the shower, and no one told me - who were chilling at Jenna's house. We grabbed some of her shovels, and we too were off. Once we got there, though, Charlie decided it would be a good idea to see if Gary Bowmen would let us use his snowblowers, and of course, Gary being the nice guy he is, we were allowed. Even still, the job took 2 1/2 hours to finish, and that is only one court. We are still grateful to my family and Gary, for helping and letting us use his equipment.
After that, we were off to the Blair Racquet Club in Altoona to play some indoor tennis. A huge, "lack-of-time" induced fiasco ensued, where Dustin needed to trade cars, Matt needed to piss, Jenna needed to get a gift, and we needed to be there at 5 (for what, I'm not sure... b/c our courts were reserved for 6, but...). Despite those few, minor setbacks, we arrived at the club at 6 on the dot. Props go to Jenna for finding a good gift in like 5 or 10 minutes... I think it took Matt longer to piss. hahahahahah...
We played doubles for like an hour, where Dustin and I took on and beat Jenna and Phil, 6-2 or 6-3, I forget which. After that, Jenna and Dustin left, leaving behind Matt (*sob* sorry Matt... we love you). Phil and I played a heated, long ass match, where Phil battled back from behind and won, 7-5. My serve was hands down the best it had ever been, but proved to do little more than slow down his return somewhat. We won't discuss strategy on here... I don't want to put anyone to sleep.
Once we got home, we went over to one of Dustin's Dad's vacated appartments, where a night filled with unspeakable fun ensued. If you really want to hear the whole story, read it on Dustin or Phil's Adventure pages, but here is a summary:
-Think about what you're doing before you decide to storm some guys appartment.
-Clearfield once again demolishes PO at Halo
-It is apparently extremely easy to give me "anything" shoulder... I had sponge shoulder, leaf shoulder, and something else that I don't even remember
-Rich is a Slim Fast chugging fuckin champion... Why did you guys even THINK about putting me up against HIM?!?!
-Rich is also a Dance Dance Revolution Champion
-Brandon speaks a certain, non-English variation of.... .... .... English
-An open oven can effectively heat an entire appartment
-Apparently, being loud at 4:30am warrants neighbors calling the police...
-Officer Pap was nice, and didn't cite us for anything
I know there is much more, but I can't think of anything right off hand... sorry....
Well, this weekend was good overall... This week is going to suck with all kinds of exams and shit, but oh well. Next week is Spring Break, and that = plenty of partying, et cetera, with Luke, Josh, Chels and Co., as well as plenty of fun with The Guys and Jenna, but they will unfortunately be in school, so...
Lastly, I would just like to say thanks to Josh and Chels for all the encouraging words and flattery, and I would like to thank Matt McC. for being himself. Thanks to Dustin for Halo, and thanks to Phil for tennis. Thanks to Matt Allen for being the shit, and thanks to Chad and Sandy for talking and understanding. Later on...
For the better part of about 4 1/2 hours, I have been struggling with the notion of regret. Why do we regret the things we do? What an interesting emotion... Does the guilt come from within? Is it induced by others? Does it come from the Almighty?
I prayed tonight - in the shower, no less - asking about regret. I asked for many things tonight. As you can imagine, I came out looking like a prune. Oh well... I should have got the shower earlier in the day. I asked God his opinion on some things. I asked God for guidance. I asked God for strength. This is not strength in the physical sense, obviously... You see, I realized that I often give advice to people, and that the advice is given with the idea that the person will follow it, and not do so half-heartedly. However, I find myself making statements, threats and the like, but never following through whole-heartedly myself. I asked God tonight for the guidance, and moreover, for the strength to go through whatever he asks me to do WHOLE-HEARTEDLY.
Regret... *sigh*... You look back... you look back at what you've done, and... you just know that what you did, what you thought, everything... it was all for naught. Regret taints the very existence of whatever memories that you have which are harboring that regret. Regret, in essence, makes you feel like a waste. Regret makes your time feel wasted. Regret makes your actions feel wasted.
But you know what? Without regret, we would not learn from those things which were wrong or bad. We would not feel bad, so we would not feel it necessary to change ourselves or the way we do things or the things we do, which would lead us right back to doing those things over again.
Therefore, regret, while a shitty, shitty emotion, is necessary for progress. It's time to take whatever regret I have and move on, taking whatever I can from that which I regret and, using the wisdom gained from said regret, make sure that I do not do those things THAT I regret again. It certainly sounds simple enough. I prayed to God for this tonight, and for the strength to deal with this regret. Thanks be to Him.
(Two singers... one singer's lyrics are in parentheses)
Your lipstick, his collar .. don't bother Angel
I know exactly what goes on
When everything you'll get is
everything that you've wanted princess
(well which would you prefer)
My finger on the trigger, or,
(me face down, down across your floor)
or Me face down, down across your floor
(or me face down, down across your floor)
Well just so long as this thing's loaded
And will you tell all your friends
You've got your gun to my head
This all was only wishful thinkin,
This all was only wishful thinkin
And will you tell all your friends
You've got your gun to my head
This all was only wishful thinkin,
This all was only wishful thinkin.. let's go
Don't bother trying to explain Angel
I know exactly what goes on when you're on and
How about I'm outside of your window
(how about I'm outside of you window)
Touchin tim, keep the details covered
You're such a sucker (you're such a sucker)
For a sweet talker.. yeah
And will you tell all your friends
You've got your gun to my head
This all was only wishful thinkin,
This all was only wishful thinkin
And will you tell all your friends (The only thing )
You've got your gun to my head (I regret)
You've got your gun to my head (is that I)
This all was only wishful thinkin (I never let you)
This all was only wishful thinkin (hold me back!)
Hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens
A thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins
I will never ask if you don't ever tell me
I know you well enough to know you never loved me
Hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens (Why can't I feel)
A thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins (anything from)
I will never ask if you don't ever tell me (anyone other)
I know you well enough to know you never loved me (than you?)
Hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens (Why can't I feel)
A thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins (anything from)
I will never ask if you don't ever tell me (anyone other)
I know you well enough to know you never loved me (than you?)
And all of this... was all your fault
And all of this...
I stay wrecked and jealous for this,
For this simple reason I
just need to keep you in mind
As something larger than life
I stay wrecked and jealous for this (Well she'll destroy us all)
For this simple reason I (Before she's through)
just need to keep you in mind (And find a way to blame)
As something larger than life (Somebody else)
I stay wrecked and jealous for this (Well she'll destroy us all)
For this simple reason I (Before she's through)
just need to keep you in mind (And find a way to blame)
As something larger than life (Somebody else)
First of all, I would like to throw some thanks out to: Chels, Luke, and Josh, for knowing how to have a good time, and Chad and Sandy, for knowing how to have a good time, and letting us all have a good time at their place.
The first night home, we had a killer party at Luke's house. There was a lot of crazy stuff going on and shit. It was damn near a family reunion for Luke. Summary of that night:
-Vlady = punishment the next morning
-We are indeed some "chip eatin mother fuckers"
-Chels' business thing is a Pyramid scheme, and I'm still not exactly sure what that means or entails
-"Bubbles" is overbearing... *cough* I guess you have to know who "Bubbles" is... I didn't even know until that night
Went to Priya's house that week, too. I'm happy that she is enjoying Philadelphia like she is. I was concerned that she hadn't really liked Clearfield quite like she could have, but it's great that she is doing good in Philly. Good Luck Priya.
I played a lot of tennis with Phil and Jenna during the week too. It was really kind of a "skill" roller coaster. One day, I'd do good, then the next, I'd suck a lot of ass. I hate when that happens.
Nothing will ever, EVER change at CHS. Honestly. Oh, except for the fact that the school somehow always finds these huge, hidden reserves of money with which to purchase seemingly extraneous equipment, like Mrs. Spila's touch screen thing, Mr. Haag's new laptops, and Mr. Webster's new planetarium equipment. Also, Mr. Webster enlightened Luke and I with a lifelong ideal: If you are a teacher, like Mr. Webster, be a dick. That way, your rep spreads, no one wants to take your classes, and you, being on salary, still get paid the same for doing less! hahaha... genius... Mr. Webster's the shit. Also, I found solice in the fact that Mr. Mollura also found Linear Algebra slightly difficult, but was disturbed to find that he was completely repulsed by the difficulty of Abstract Algebra. *sigh*...
There were 2 Risk nights, one of which involved Luke getting bored and attacking all those adjacent to him, causing us all to weaken, except Brandon, who ended up winning as a result. The second game was pretty intense, and I ended up winning by cashing in on Charlie's cards and getting 75 troops in the middle of my turn. Also, another highlight from that game was that I defeated Dustin in the second round. He had spread himself too thin, and I took out his last territory, defended by only 4 troops. hahah...sorry Dustin
My Mom and Charlie got me a great amp for my electric guitar, along with an instructional DVD that teaches chords and scales and such. It was great. I played that a lot while everyone was still in school throughout the week. Doing that little bit really did improve my skills, so any little bit, right?
Luke, Josh, and I went out to Chad's one night during the week, and had a lot of... well, I was going to say fun, but I mean, really all that took place was heavy drinking and Luke trying his hardest to hump me. Unfortunately, Chad recorded some footage of that, and no one, including myself, was really impressed with it...
Last night, Dustin, Matt, Phil, Jenna, Garito, and Brandon, along with my family, went out to Chad's.... It was great fun, although very, very cold. Unfortunately, Jenna and Phil had to leave around like 11, and my family ended up leaving around 11:30 or 12, so after that, we just all went inside and talked about different shit. Some ppl are so judgemental... *sigh* C'est la vie, non? J'espere qu'il n'a pas ete comme ca, mais ... oh well.
Simcity 4 is a great game, and I am sure I will find myself playing the shit out of in coming weeks. Pray for my GPA, please. hahah
Speaking of prayer, I will close this entry with what I did today. After waking up and drinking a lot of water... ahah... I went home, packed, showered, and went to see "The Passion of the Christ" with Phil and Jenna, and Jenna's Gram and Mommom. It was a great movie, and yes, I cried twice. It was incredibly gory, but it was also incredibly accurate according to the Bible, specifically Luke's accounts of the events. One thing I found particularly fascinating about the movie is that the lines were spoken completely in Aramaic (which, I hope we all know, doesn't exist anymore) and Latin (again, really non-existent). Listening to Pilate's spoken Latin pretty much sealed the deal as far as what other language I'm going to take. I love the way it sounds, and it's just cool to be able to speak it now-a-days, cause really no one else can! hahah... Besides all that, the movie was good, I thought. It left me somewhat depressed and pensive, but I think that that was really kinda the intention of the movie. It was very riveting, and completely uncensored. The only things I really raised eyebrows about were the scenes where Pilate and his wife are talking about what decisions he is to make concerning Jesus' fate. If someone could help me, I am unable to find anywhere in the Bible where Pilate shows quite THAT much compassion for Christ, or that much regret. If there is a verse, please point it out to me.
Luke 23:46 - "Father, into your hands I commend my spirit" I enjoy this verse....
"Der Herrgott nimmt, der Herrgott gibt" - Rammstein
Well, that's all for this entry. I have undoubtedly missed some things, that if I remember, will show up in the next entry. Good night everyone!
Je ne sais pas comment il n'y a pas de bonne femmes pour moi. Peut-etre, il y a beacoup de femmes comme ca pour moi, vraiment, mais je ne les ai pas trouve... eh, bien... Au revoir!
I feel really bad for Roommate Dan, who has come down with an incredible fever and bad case of strep. He went down to the health clinic, and it was so bad that they actually had me go down and accompany him back up to the room. I think he felt awkward asking me to do that for him, and moreover, I think that he feels awkward asking me to get him anything, like Gingerale or Gatorade from the store, for instance. I hope that he feels comfortable enough to ask me for these minor, minor things though.
I find my faith now stronger than ever. Perhaps this because I will need it in the coming months (that is not to say, however, that I would wish to discard it thereafter). I have inkling suspiscions that the coming months will be very trying for me and my family, as well as me and my friends. My family and I will have a struggle ahead of us as far as remodeling and selling our house/moving is concerned. However, it shouldn't be THAT big of a change, considering Mom wants to stay within the Clearfield Area, thank God. Furthermore, I have moved so many times in my life already, I am used to it. Most of my friends are lucky in that regard: not having to move and all. But they do say change is the spice of life, yeah?
The coming months may also be a trying time for me and my friends, as I have talked to several different persons about the apparent future of everyone's relationships. Some see the potential changes, while unfortunate and sad, as necessary and inevitable. Others see the situation in a different light: unnecessary and simply not for the good of everyone, including themselves. Whoever may be right, I will truly pray - for all parties involved, including myself - for guidance, that we may all do that which is pleasing to God, meant to be, and redeeming to ourselves. First and foremost, however, I will pray - selfishly, I know - that this potential situation, whatever it may be... whatever it is that those persons and I have discussed, may be averted. No one needs that... no one. However, as I reflect upon the past, I am drawn to think of the parable "The farmer will reap only that which he sows." This proverb certainly holds a mysterious clout in reference to many, many things, and this is definately one of those things.
I got a very odd and mysterious phone call tonight. Some girl called here, asked if I was Joe, said her name was Brenda, and said that she had a friend who had seen me around campus and was wondering if I had a gf. Now, this is a very odd thing.... hahah.. I asked various friends if they had pranked me, and no one said they did. I still do not rule out that possibility though. What makes this seem like a prank is the sheer difficulty that a woman would have had to go through to see me, somehow find my name, look me up, and decide to call. Who really knows? hahaha... oh well, it is things like these that spice life, no?
"Seht ihr mich?... Versteht ihr mich?... Fuhlt ihr mich?... Hort ihr mich?..." I think the answer to many of these questions is "nein," but who am I to answer those questions? This is another thing that I have come to realize: instead of asking, in disbelief or disgust, "Who does he/she think he/she is?" I find myself asking "Who am I?" By letting someone trespass or wrong me without knowing it, I am merely allowing the further propagation of their trespasses. "If your brother sings against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, then you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two other along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or thiree witnesses." The difficulty with this situation is the thin line that might be crossed pertaining to judgement. By letting whomever know that they have wronged me, I do not wish for it to come across as any sort of judgement. I really do think of myself as a non-judgemental person, but know that I am often guilty, as are others, of such things. "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven." This is often hard, and certainly something I personally struggle with, that I will work on.
I forgot, in my last entry, to mention that during Spring Break, I saw my Dad in Sheetz. I have not talked to him for going on 3 years now. When he looked up from the counter, he made eye contact, and looked straight down. I feel rejected. I feel hurt. I should have confronted him... hugged him... forgiven him. However, I walked by, in disgust... in anger... in rejection. I have propagated the ill-will and contempt that has existed, unconfronted, for too long. What should I do? First, I cried about the 'loss' of my father. Next, I became angry. Now, I am ready to move on. My Mom and others feel that I should try to disregard him. I have done this for too long. Still others feel that I should try and wrong him someone. This I simply will not do. I have never been a proponent to "eye-for-an-eye," even before I knew it was condemned by Christ. "If a man slaps your cheek, turn to him your other cheek. If a man sues you for your tunic, give also to him your cloak. If a man runs you a mile, walk with him two miles."
Ich gehe jetzt schlafen, weil ich um 10 Uhr aufstehen muss. Bis morgen...
So, I caught the culprit of the "Do you have a gf?" phone call I got the other night. As it turns out, the girl's name was not Brenda, it was Adrienne, and the "friend" for whom she was calling was a certain Rebecca Ann Hummel. That's right... Ann. ahhaha... I knew it couldn't have been anyone from here. I found out that this was all the case last night during a conversation I had with her last night. I will elaborate more on Ann and I later; I don't have time with this particular entry considering Phil may soon be coming.
I hope that the weather this weekend is supposed to be nice; I would really like to get my tennis on (especially b/c I'm watching it right now!).
Next week is going to suck, as I have 2 exams, both of which are the hardest test in their respective courses (Math 141 and Econ 4). Please, I will need wishes of luck out the butthole to pull this one off. However, the upside to that is that perhaps, if all goes good, the Guys, and maybe even Jenna - who knew?! haha - might be able to come over and stay here for the weekend. By God, if they do, I'm going to corrupt the hell out of their "no drinking" asses. I mean, what?... no pressure *cough*. hehehe... Well, I don't think it'd be so bad, especially considering they don't have to drive home that night, or even the next day. That reminds me of a comedian I saw today... If you see me, ask me about it; it was funny.
Some of you - maybe - will be proud of the fact that I finally got balls about the whole thing and bought something off of the Internet for the first time. I got a Latin textbook called "Wheelock's Latin" on half.com (a subsidary of ebay.com) for like $16 dollars. I hope it gets here right now!! ahhhh... So I can baffle you all with my profound grasp of Latin! hahah... Just some material for Phil's "The Joe Files" (another gay idea if you ask me ;) hahah ).
Well, that's enough for today I think. I will get back to this on Sunday, when I get back. Schones Wochenende. Bonne week-end. All that good stuff.
This weekend wasn't bad, I guess. Friday, I just chilled a la dorm til about 8 or so, waiting for Phil, Dustin, and Jenna to come pick me up. Then came, Dustin saw, they signed the wall, etc. We went home, and watched Jenna's cheers for the next day, which were her tryouts. We were all certain she'd make it, excluding her, of course, but go figure. Saturday, Matt, Phil and I spent the day at the high school whilst Jenna waited for her tryout time-slot. After that, they picked up Dustin, and all arrived at my house. We proceeded to order some pizzas, etc. Later that night, Phil, Dustin, Matt, and myself went to Chels', where she and Josh had a copy of Pulp Fiction (a great movie) waiting for us to watch. It was great, except that my mom called bugging me like 3 times b/c she was scared that Big Rick was gonna smack Dustin down for arriving home so late. It's everyone else's fault for making Rick sound like an omniscient being who can will you into or out of existence on a whim. Sunday we just chilled all day til I left (oh, and we went to the bank/Wal-Mart ... thanks Jenna).
As you can see, the weekend was fairly lack-luster. I really don't know quite what to make of it... hmmm Perhaps it is that I DO know what to make of it, but... don't want to make THAT of it. You follow? I don't care if you don't, cause I do, and that's what matters. I try my hardest not to make THAT of it... It's becoming slightly easier to not make THAT of things... At what expense? Desencitization... hardening... I'm allowing myself to become a harder person. This is not what I want. I wish to stop myself. Stop me... Stop me... Why would I let myself do that if I can recognize it? *sigh* What a tangled state of affairs.
Unfortunately, Roommate Dan is still very ill. He hopes to be back by sometime close to the end of this week, but his mother and his doctor both have pleaded that he stay for another full week. I was unaware that he was quite THAT sick. Prayers go out to him...
I'm going to go back on a promise in my last entry, and NOT elaborate on Ann and I... Who knows?
I really wish to talk to Steve... I wish to talk to Sherman and Sean... I wish to talk to Wee wee... I want to talk to my brother... I want to talk to Mike Lanich... I want to talk to Sean Rawlings... I want to do things with all of these people. I am reminiscing about that period in my life. I feel like I am transitioning... and that everyone tangled up in my affairs - and whose affairs I am tangled up in - are just along for the ride. I feel that I have wronged all those whom I have named... What am I doing? Where am I going? Who am I? These are the 'philosophical' life questions that I always used to scoff at. I always used to think to myself, "How can these college students NOT know who they are, especially by 21 or so?" Well, here I am, doing just as those who I scoffed did... Life's irony. You all will face, if you have not yet, the very same questions. I pray that you know the answers immediately. I pray that I will soon know the answers.
It is late in the morning, and if there is more to come tomorrow, then there will be more... ahhah... Good night...
"For Jo O - a snipit of understanding (?):
What makes a person's heart beat? what drives you, where am i going, where do i belong, why don't you understand? do you have any idea how you make me feel? how? is it worth it? why do i depend on you? a little lost, a utopian feeling, where to go, how, when, for how long, will you still love me when i find me? will i still be the same? what if im not? i cant wait. dont push me too fast. get out as fast as i can. slow down have an adventure, where i am i, can you understand, will you take the time, what are you thinking right now, where are you...
what just happened?
(This is just something I wrote when I felt the need. I don't know the whole story, but I do know the feeling)"
You're the shit...
Today, I should've more attentively focused my energies on Calc. hahah... *pshh* I don't even care right now... I think that I may just put it off until tomorrow. I'm horrible, yes... but right now, math seems a little dry to me... yes, to ME. It seems a little meaningless... I'm finding that the things that are important to human beings are all things to which math canNOT be applied. This is - yes - obvious, however, I have, in the past, often tried to apply that type of logic to such areas.
I don't know why I don't elaborate on Ann and I? Is it b/c there was no Ann and I? Is it b/c I don't know what it ever was? Ich weiB nicht... ? The more I think about it, the more you will know...
Lyrics: Pushing Me Away - Linkin Park
I've lied, to you
The same way that I always do
This is, the last smile
That I'll fake for the sake of being with you...
(Everything falls apart, even the people who never frown
Eventually break down)
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
(Everything has to end, you'll soon find
We're out of time left to watch it all unwind)
The sacrifice is never knowing...
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see, your testing me, pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see, your testing me, pushes me away
I've tried, like you
To do everything you wanted to
This is, the last time
I'll take the blame for the sake of being with you
(Everything falls apart, even the people who never frown
Eventually break down)
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
(Everything has to end, you'll soon find
We're out of time left to watch it all unwind)
The sacrifice is never knowing...
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see, your testing me, pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see, your testing me, pushes me away
(We're all out of time
This is how we find how it all unwinds)
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
(We're all out of time
This is how we find how it all unwinds)
The sacrifice is never knowing...
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see, your testing me, pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see, your testing me, pushes me away
On a lighter note, funnier lyrics by Brandon DiCamillo - Chinese Freestyle
Who wants to taste my General Tso? You wanna piece of my General Tso? I'ma give it to you now...
Who like my chopstick
Hit you when I shit with my little-ass dick. Yellow...
If you wanna see me, eat Jell-O...
I never seen nothing like you before
I can kick you
Higher than you can kick me
I can kick you way up into a tree
Who wants a taste of my oo-long tea?
Ho ha ho ha ho chi chi..
Everybody in the phone book's named Chang
Wanna see my wang?
Never good God hit the gong with a bang
Waaaaaa
Everybody wanna see me throw a fireball
But that's not right, not in real life
You will fall down and break a leg
Everybody wanna see me break an egg?
Well I don't
But I like fried rice
And I ain't got lice
Ching chow woo ching wang woo wice
That ain't nice
For a fortune cookie, I always charge you twice
Delievery's free, but not from me
I always charge a dollar fifty
Fifty five...
Wanna see me go-GAA!
Hit you with the line... HAI YA!!
War when I hit you with the shit, do a split, take a shit after you eat my shit
Kung fu...
Want my buffet? You fucking gay...
Ah, Wai-lo, hit you with the hay
Stay the fuck away
Hit you in the balls
Only Americans eat Duck Sauce
And my Soy Sauce is for you
I can put it in your shoe
Watch this... I can tiptoe while you take a piss
In my bathroom
Spy on you while your little boy shits
HAIIIIIII - YA!
I can kick you if you don't pay the bills
And if you want a little mint
That's fifty cent, BITCH
Everything costs a little bit
So don't expect nothing for free
At least not from me, Ching Chang Chewie
I got you from Taiwan City, and Hong Kong
I can smoke a bong and I can do it all night long
And don't mistake me for a Vietcong
I can get you and tackle you, take you never see me
When I get you and make you
Woke you up, and put you in a bamboo cage
And make you feel all my rage
Poke you with a little stick til you page
Your buddies to come napalm me
God damn that shit burned blew away my whole city
Ho Chi Mihn
Shoot a load on your chin
God damn thats a sin, goygo goodbye
And if you wanna come on in
You can work in to my world where the yellow should begin
HAIII - YA
I can't be tamed
I got to control your brain and it's called
Egg Foo Yung, and Lo Main
So come on in baby and have it just the same
HAIII - YA
HAAAAA
Just felt the need to lighten it up a little bit.. haha..
"... In return, he grants you title, estates, and this chest of gold which I am to pay to you personally."
"Lordship and titles. Gold. That I should become Judas?..."
A good quote from ... Well, if you know the movie, tell me... you'd be a man/woman unto my heart if you knew...
This weekend was pretty fun... I was sore most of the weekend, b/c my stupid ass went WAY TOO HARD lifting on Thursday, thereby leaving me nearly immobile Friday and Saturday. Nonetheless, I got home Friday at around 5ish or 5:30 (I don't rightly recall), and called Jenna, at her request, who was no where to be found (?????). I proceeded to call Phil, with whom I played (lackluster) tennis with for a little while. I returned, called Sean, and delivered the bad news that I wouldn't be able to come over to his house that night b/c of my inability to get the van that night (the truck was at Charlie's work, b/c of a blunder which I don't care to explain). I then went to Chad's house with Steve, and drank a LITTLE bit, mainly b/c I was SO sore. It was fun nevertheless. Sandy and I had one of our 'deep' convos, whis one being the most controversial, as her and I had opposing views on the "subject material," as it were. In choosing to "pick my battles," as they say, I forego the opportunity to discuss what we talked about that night, not wanting to ruffle any feathers.
Saturday was fairly uneventful. I woke up around 8 or 9, took one of Chad's prescription pain pills, and was knocked unconscious by it. Waking up at around 11 or so, I returned home, called Phil, played another pathetic few hours of tennis, then just chilled for a little while. We went over to Dustin's later, and watched as he and Matt partook of some online Splinter Cell: Pandora Tomorrow, which appeared to be a good game (I forewent the opporunity to play). We left for Rich's after a little while, and en route, stopped at Dairy Queen, where I was made fun of for being the only one to get a cone WITHOUT sprinkles. Go figure... they have to use anything they can against me, eh? haha
We got to Rich's at I don't know what time, and found Rich, Kristen (Rich's gf), Cody, Dan, Rob, and Terry taking on Teats, Dani (Teats' gf), Doug, James, Nate, and Curt (seemingly unfair teams, if you ask me). With only 2 more controllers and 4 more players, Cody and Nate went out to get some more controllers from Adventure, and when they came back, they found themselves the victims of what would later be coined a "mass mooning." Oh, and apparently, Matt threw in a fruit bowl for them... how lucky they are. We went inside, and played Halo for maybe an hour or two, with the Clearfield/PO hybrid team of Dustin, Matt, myself, Phil, Rich, Kristen, James, and Doug being consistently defeated by the purebred - if that's even possible there - PO team of Dan, Cody, Teats, Rob, Nate, Terry, Curt, and Dani (later, somekid named Andy Bloom, I think). After a while, the game got a little ridiculous, and considerably more hilarious, as ppl began naming themselves things like "Codyshotmom," "Abortion," "a cumflood," "a hard cock," "Herpes," "9/11," "a Pedophile," "Diabetes," et cetera. Probably the most offensive combo was "Hitler" and "a Jew," with the first 4 deaths of "a Jew" coming by "Hitler," resulting in the screen saying "a Jew was killed by Hitler." (No offense is meant to any Jewish ppl who may read this, especially you Dan.) After a little bit of that, we called it quits with Halo for a while, and began the very fine art of card flinging, which deteriorated into the not-so-fine art of miscellaneous object throwing in a good hour and a half (yes, card flinging lasted THAT LONG... you have no idea). Teats and Dani disappered after a while, apparently to consummate their love, and Rob pulled his long-ass hair into pig tails, looking almost identical to a very ugly woman I've seen before. Nate got doorknob called on him, and proceeded to be pushed over, onto Dustin (who promptly said "You've got to be kidding me), and had his legs wailed upon. Beanie and I "made spoons" for a while, and we eventually watched Orange County. Some fell asleep during that movie, including Dustin, who had, at one point, had his arm proped up on a chair. After that movie, we popped in Super Troopers, where I attempted to fall asleep, but to no avail. I was minimally covered, uncomfortable, and without pillow. After I woke up as a result of throwing up in my mouth, I stayed up for almost another 3 hours, until 7am, joining Nate and Rob as the only remaining ppl awake. I can certainly blame this on: 1) the fact that I drank 4 Pepsi's that night, 2) I was uncomfortable, and was getting sick, and 3) Nate's incessant whooping cough. I eventually DID fall asleep, however, and woke up in a matter of 2 1/2 hours, at 9:30 or so, along with everyone else. We again went into miscellaneous-object-throwing mode, and that lasted for a good hour or so.
We all left around 11 or so, and when I arrived in Clearfield, I found Jenna sharing the sunny day with Nikita. She, Phil, Garito and I promptly decided to partake of some tennis - after Jenna showed us her purchases from the previous day's shopping - where we played for around 2 hours or so, with Jenna and I losing to Phil and Garito in the tiebreak, 7-5 I believe. When I got home, mom informed us that we were having a cookout, so Jenna, Phil, Garito and I had our stomach's righteously filled with hamburgers and hotdogs. I stayed in Clearfield until 5, then stopped at the State College Wal-Mart to pick up some cold medicine, food, tissues, and other things to combat the sickness that I am now, as I type this, battling. That is the weekend in brief.
In other news, I got an email telling me that my 2nd Calc midterm score was a 77. Now, this is THE calc midterm, and it was ridiculously difficult. When I find out, I will post the averages, for a subtle justification of my horrible perfermance... hahaha... Perhaps I really OUGHT to change my major, but then again, would that just be copping out and giving up? I think so... We'll see...
I received a very heartfelt, touching, and regretfully paining letter from Brittany this weekend. What have I been doing? What am I thinking? Who am I? Who have I become? Who am I becoming? These, again, are the questions with which I am struggling in this change of life. I plan to respond to this letter in due process, and mine will also be heartfelt, touching, and the like.
Well, that's it for today... I may have something in here tomorrow... Good night... Valete, as the Romans would have said... ;)
Jenna and Lydia kicked off my extended weekend with a visit on Thursday night, where we collectively went down to listen to Danny from the Real World New Orleans speak out about gay rights and such. It was fun... He was funny, and it was informative. Anyways, we made it back to Clearfield in one piece, and I proceeded to call the guys - here referring to Garito, Matt, Phil, and Brad - who were at Garito's camp on Rockton. Garito graciously offered to come to Clearfield and pick me up, and we went up there and had fun that night, trying to scratch mad fat tracks, but not a single one of the six hundred seventynine turntables worked. Go figure...
So we got back the next day, Friday, around 1 or 2, where I proceeded to play tennis for a while. Brandon later showed up, and we all went to my house. Jenna and Dustin showed up a little late, and whilst dicussing various things, we came to the conclusion that Garito, Matt, Brandon and I would go to one of Garito's friends houses, where we "partyed" for a while. It wasn't much of a party at all, except for the fact that I downed 2 forty's, and went to UniMart twice, once with Matt and once with Brandon, where I discovered the evil bane that plagues this country: fearful UniMart night shift employees. We left, and Matt and I went to my house - he slept in Kyle's bed, so worry not - and slept a good sleep.
We woke up, unfortunately, to Angela playing the flute at the highest possible volume should could reach. Matt proceeded to watch Kirby - my god, I know - and I called Phil, where we decided to play tennis. Met by Garito, Phil, Jenna, and Dustin, we played for quite a while, kicking off a good tennis season - at least in my opinion. From there, we decided that it would be ideal to have a party at Garito's camp again. Jenna, unfortunately, had prior obligations to a much less fun - no matter what she says ;) - party at Drew Skupiens. She had fun, though, and that's all that counts, or so they say. Anywho, Matt calls gf Stef, and she comes too. Josh calls me, and he comes out, as does Steve. We arrive in late fashion, clasping beer in hand. Steve downed a six pack or two, I can't remember, rather quickly, and I followed suit by taking 3 Forty's to the face. booyah... That's when it all started...
Steve, I think, decides to, in one of his more brilliant moments, challenge me to: 1) a pushup contest, 2) a forward roll contest and 3) a backward roll contest. The pushup contest was a tie, 10 a piece... rather impressive for 2 drunk guys. The second contest was won, as far as I recall, by me, despite the fact that I apparently had horrible form, drilling my head into the ground before rolling forward - much to the amusement of "core friend" Josh. The third contest is much a riddle to me; I remember nothing from it. However, I do remember that Steve made fun of my feeble attempt, so I executed extreme justice upon him with a toy golf club. Garito or someone saw their moment of opportunity, and handed us each a handful of wooden dowel rods. We started our "epic battle," as one poet put it, as a sword fight. It quickly evolved into hours of vicious smacking and malicious wrestling. All I know is that Steve left with some serious welts. and I said some pretty funny shit, like:
"This is like how Lincoln fought the blacks."
"We're core friends, Steve, core friends" (This being said AS I smack him fucking senseless with the stick)
Me, as I hit Steve with my shoe, in the face: "Oh, dude, are you bleeding???"
Steve:"No.."
Me:"Then I'm gonna fucking kill you."
"Take this Matt... we're Mexicans, we need all the money we can get." (The 'this' was a wallet, and I THOUGHT it was Steve's... it was mine)
There were many more, I'm sure, but... I can't remember them... sorry...
After the epic battle, Steve and I reconsiled for the sake of Core Friendship, and he left for home, as did Josh. Everyone then went to bed... well, some did...
I woke up the next day with a pounding headache. Thank GOD that Stef realized when she did that we had all forgotten today was Daylight Saving Time, b/c I had to be home VERY soon thereafter. Dustin, Phil and I took off and headed home, where upon arrival, I was "greeted" *cough* by my antsy family, who didn't even permit me the time for a shower, before I was shuffled out the door, and headed to Gram's. The visit was nice, and I even got to talk to my greatuncle Larry, mostly about religion, but about many things, ranging from School, to the guys on the floor, to Jenna. It was a good talk, and he's a good man, and one that I could/should learn from.
Well, that was the weekend in brief. Got back to school, chilled, watched some TV, read some Latin and German, talked to different ppl online. Some of the convos got heated... leaving me slightly short of sleep, I am predicting. Heated, by the way, is NOT a bad thing.
So, more tomorrow, if I have more to comment on... Valete mei discipuli ... mwhahaha... By the way, this journal is almost 15000 pixels long... just a stat, cause we were discussing it at one point this weekend... Auf wiedersehen...
The weekend, alias Easter weekend, was great. We went out to Garito's camp on Saturday night, and had the best party to date out there. People Tally: Me, Matt Allen, Phil Hill, Brian Garito, Brandon and Brad Bumbarger, Dustin Charles, Regina, Tristen, Steve. KEY highlights were Rachael going out, Josh/Chels/Amber making cameos, my various racial and religious slurrs in my drunken stupor, swinging my arms and doing 360's because I thought Phil was lying to me, drinking 4 Forty's whilst playing Edward Forty Hands, and much else besides that I don't remember. I remember that Trey, Kem, Bonzo, some other guys and girls I don't know, and Adam English showed up... Man, Adam was fun.. haha.. we just talked about how much we both loved Miller Light and Bud Light ... ahha.. What a convo, eh? I know, I know...
After we woke up and prolonged Phil's hasty escape - Hey, I wanted to stay and clean - we left for Clfd, where upon Rachael went home, I napped, and then played tennis later with Phil. A titanic tennis match of epic proportions between me and Phil vs. Garito and Brandon took place, where Phil and I emerged victorious, 7-5. But it was close...
I got a phone call from Kimmy... it was good to hear from her. We talked about a great many things... oddly, not a single one of which is what I deem appropriate for this journal, or anyone else's eyes. Pray for her, plz...
Sunday was, of course, Easter, and it was good. I spent the WHOLE DAY, go figure, with my family, and even went to Chad's to watch the Matrix Revolutions, which, I don't care what anyone says, was a great movie... and a great way to wrap up the trilogy.
So yesterday blew, but not as bad as today, what with the mounds of econ, which I've already complained about. To top of the shittyness, the Red Wings, whom I was certain would sweep the series, have lost the last two games to the Nashville Predators... so this playoff season is shaping up to blow...
So I got to talk to Sean Rawlings tonight, and it was good... Some quotes from him appear on the main page, cause he is the shit.... I'm slightly afraid of the package that he has sent me... apparently it has somethign in it that "every guy should have"... hmmm... You might think it's a porno or condoms or lube or something... but.. who the fuck knows? it's gonna be something else, that's all I know...
Alright, there's probably more to say, but that's for tomorrow, if I manage to scrounge up the time...
Au revoir toutes mes amis... a bientot...
Rachael, thank you... you're the shit ;)
Dustin/Jenna, as a single entity, thank you too
The weather... oh good god, it's nice out
The Econ projects are finally done .. *phew*
The extreme fun we've found we can have on the weekends... and maybe there's more to come this weekend....???
The Guys... We've "reaffirmed" ... well, anyways, no need for cheesyness haha...
Kimmy... Our talk meant a lot to me...
Sean R.... you are the shit and always will be... Just stop telling whores that you're Joe Opaliski, will ya?
Josh/Chels... you guys are the freaking shits... the mother fuckin shits, as it were... the.... ok, yeah, you got it
Playoff Hockey... How could I not thank you??? Even though you're not playing out like I wanted, but oh well...
Just thought Id throw some shout-outs to all those ppl... well, I guess some of them aren't ppl... haha... Yes, that's right, I threw a shoutout to playoff hockey... So what?! I like hockey, alright? Wanna fight about it? ... ... .... ... .. .. .. ... (horrible joke, I know)
Well, I'm off to home for the weekend. Everyone, take it very easy... ahaha.. very easy ... haha.. And I will talk to you all on Sunday...
Valete, as they say in Latin
Auf wiedersehen, as the say in German
Ciao, as they say in Spanish
Au revoir, as they say in French
Fuck you, as they sa.. umm, I mean, good bye ;)
Saturday was cool. We played some tennis, then went to get somethign to eat at McDonalds, b/c Phil broke his racquet on a serve. Once there, we were accompanied by a bronzed Jenna, fresh from her 1 1/2 week long trip to Florida. She had fun, and was even sporting new accessories, namely a bellybutton ring... (as a side note, i think one of my filling just fell out... ahhahhaahhaha) I don't know how she managed to convince Mr/mrs Francisco, but... it's all good, as is Aunt Megan *cough* We just chilled for the rest of the day, until Sherman, Sean, and Weewee came to pick me up to go over to Sean's to spend the night. I drove a slightly inebriated Steve while they stopped at Walmart. Steve and I stopped at the bar, picked up some more sixpacks, and were off. We drank and played Halo. A great combo. On a side note, I've never seen Steve so drunk in all my life. He was so drunk, that he woke up in a sleepwalk like trance, still drunk (certainly), and walked to the sink, where he proceeded to drink water from the faucet with his hands cupped, as if drinking from a river!!!! haha.. wow, Steve, just wow...
Sunday rolled around, and I went to Sherman's in Tyrone for a shower. After Sherman and Erin got ready, we were off to the church for Michelle and Uncle Tim's bday party, where the entire family had gathered. It was fun, but the last significant thing that I did that day.
As you can, this was a fairly routine weekend. Unfortunately, however, I had to nix plans with Chels/Josh/Luke on Saturday night b/c I went to Sherman and Sean's. I really did feel bad, but... there are PLENTY of chances to party this summer... mwhahahaha... mwhahahaha...
With the Econ projs done, the only thing left to do is study for finals, which can effectively be put off until around next week sometime. So that leaves this weekend fairly wide open. Rachael might come over to do something Wednesday night, and hopefully this will be a good weekend for The Guys to come over and have some fun. Cross your fingers...
Well, that's about it for today, I suppose. hmm... Yeah, that appears to be it, I guess.. If there's anything else new, I'll give ya'll a buzz... A bientot mes amis
I don't really know what Lisa is going thru, but.. it appears to be causing her hurt, and for that, I feel regret. I hope that if she needs someone to talk to, she knows she can come here.
So it's settled: Rachael's coming over tomorrow night, AND I'm going to Chels' business meeting thing. So that means that despite the fact that I have few classes tomorrow, I'm going to be nevertheless busy. Oh well, it's what I ask for really. I would much rather have too much to do with too many friends than nothing to do with no one... could you imagine how bad that would suck?!!
Matt Allen tells me that a prior obligation to the shit corps known as the National Guards has him busy this weekend, so he's out as far as coming for the weekend. I told he and Phil to inform Garito that he's more than welcome to come and party with us over the weekend. Hopefully he takes me up on my offer, b/c either way, I can't go home this weekend, since it is this weekend that I can first schedule for my courses next semester. They better get their asses over here...
I saw Kill Bill Vol. 1 last night for the first time, and I'm watching it again as I write this. It's a great movie, but ended far too abruptly for my tastes. Quentin Tarentino is a genius, but no one needed to hear me say that to know that. Pulp Fiction spoke for itself, and I heard Resevoir Dogs was great too, and now I know Kill Bill's good, so... It's all good.
I'm thinking about maybe writing some poetry of some sorts for on here, but.. I'm afraid after that, ppl might start questioning my... "hetero street credentials," so to speak... haha... I have SOME stuff I could put up on here, but... I don't think the world's quite ready for it, ie I don't wanna stur up the shit storm right now. Perhaps, depending on my attitude at a given time, I will put something up in a few days or some period of time like that.
Well people... ich denk, dass das alles ist. J'espere que vous avez une bonne nuit. Valete!
It looks as though even if I don't get the job at the Walmart Distribution Center this summer, I WILL have a job at Bilo, aka Thorne's Market, so money either way. *phew*...
OK. What I'm sure you've all been waiting for, hmm? A survey of last weekend. Well, after an anonymus supplier brought over my supply of 2 Thirty packs of Miller Light and 3 Forty's of Bud, I began drinking (around 5pm). I had the three forty's done by the time the Guys got here, so I was feeling good, to say the least. Well, as it turned out, Garito doesn't really like Miller Light, and Phil and Dustin, I'm convinced, are never going to drink in their entire lives, so that left 60 beers for me and Dan. We went to WalMart to get the keg cups, and once there saw Steve and some bitch in a wheelchair who kept telling him to punch me... what a whore! ahaa... I don't know who she is or what her deal was, but... Christ! ahha... Anyways, when we got back, Garito and Dan ran the Pong Table for quite a while, against various teams, including me and the supplier, me and Drew, Pat and Paul, and Phil and Dustin (whose beer I drank). After a few more beers, we went to Wal-Mart. From here on out, accounts from the rest of the night are based solely on what I was told from the Guys... This is the first time I've ever been SO drunk that I actually "time warped," having a memory lapse. Onward with the story... Apparently, I was quite annoying in WalMart, running around speaking a mixture of German and French. What in God's name would possess me to do that!?! Beer, that's what. I guess Dustin drove home, and I sat in the back (which was ALL news to me), and we parked in the parking lot, where upon Phil forced me to carry two cases of soda which I proceeded to drop. Halfway thru the lot, I fell over and started laughing, all while a group of girls walked by and asked if I was ok. Apparently, the girl who finds her only source of comedy from watching drunk ppl (which sounds sick in retrospect) offered to give me a piggy back ride, b/c I couldn't walk. Phil, being the AWESOME friend he is said "Oh no, don't worry about it... He's 200+, so there's no way you could carry him." Thanks a lot Phil, you fucker. Anyways, I guess we made it back to the dorm. Again, let me reiterate that I remember nothing... So I suppose I suggested going to the HUB for some ping pong, and they all obliged, and we went down there. During some heated play, we found out the Dustin and Garito like to cheat at Ping Pong, and that Dustin not lacing his shoes CAN result in a dangerous situation, especially for handicapped Chinese ppl who like to play a relaxing game of ping pong. (Dustin, during a kick - for some reason - flung his shoe way up in the air, nearly hitting a Chinese dude across the room). After that was done, we came back to the dorm I guess. I vaguely remember Dan coming in with his clothes-folding bitch (that's right, that's her ONLY function) and telling me that he got in a scuffle with some douchebag, dirtying his clothes and pissing him off - rightfully so. I also remember getting an IM from Jenna saying that I was a dick to her on the phone and that she didn't want to talk to me or that alcohol can really screw ppl up and I'm a testimony to that... That sobered me up... I'm never a dick whilst drunk, nor has drinking screwed me up. I was so angry that after IM'ing Ann, she called to talk to me about it. Thanks. I think after that I we all just passed out...
Next day... We wake up, shower and such, then Jenna and Laura come over and we all play tennis pretty much all day. Key facts from the day:
Tennis is good...
Dan is better at tennis than I led my friends to believe...
Jenna's boobs are, according to floormates, 'ginormous'...
Et cetera, et cetera, blah blah blah...
After a good day of tennis, and downtown walking, Jenna and Laura left, and Phil's mom came to pick him up as well
Dustin, Garito, and I went down to the HUB, where Bowling for Soup (yes, the band.. the real life band) was putting on a free concert on the lawn... It doesn't end there. There was a free video game LAN thing set up in the HUB, as well as free pizza, and free games were given out. Upstairs, where we ventured occasionally, there was rap battles and professional break dancing, which on numerous occasions kept us entertained. We came back, and they passed out, and I talked to Chels for a while, apparently spiting out a few good quotes. I soon after passed out..
Woke up the next morning and just stayed in bed all day, watching Band of Brothers with Dustin while Garito played his favorite "Blasterball" game. Dustin then realized he had "Physics' (hahah) to do, and so had to go home. Soon after, I was talking to Ann online when BLAM! all of the sudden, my internet got shut off, b/c of the nasty Gaiabot virus that I'm sure you all know I had by now.
All this week has been me just chilling, watching hockey, studying here and there, and going to the computer lab. Oh, I also got drunk Thursday night, and went to the comp lab to talk to Ann... it was fun ahhah... I've been talking to her a lot lately... who knows? It's all good..
Well, this weekend isn't shaping up to be too too great however. I have A LOT of studying to finish up, and even some to start, for the 5 finals I have next week.
So there it was... Last weekend, this week, and this weekend in a summary. Hope you all enjoyed, b/c I don't know how much I'll be able to update until around next Wednesday, after the bulk of my finals are over. Wish me luck... later on
Well, that's debatable... Some not so good things happened today... For starters, I was swamped practically all day with studying... I studied for like 5 hours on Calc, and only got 30 problems done, and I was really going fast, too! I also studied some Econ 2 and 4, so... On a more minor, but still shitty, side note, the Red Wings lost the pivotal game 5, putting them behind in a race-to-four series, 3 games to 2. Come on Wings!! Pull it together...
Here's the bulk of my Journal Entry... My father... My ... I don't even know... I haven't talked to him in 3 years... I called him 3 years ago, on Father's Day, and he said to me "Joey, you and I are both smart ppl. If you're not going to call me any other time than when tradition or somesuch warrants it, then don't call me at all." So I didn't, and neither did he... I sent him an announcement for graduation, and he didn't show up... What am I to him? I recently, at 2am (at Sheetz), saw him, and he looked up, then quickly down. I stood, in utter disbelief, staring at him. He never looked back up. I walked right past him... right past the man... the man that should have said something to me... the man who conceived me... the man whom, I'm very afraid, I take after... a lot. I look like he did... I often times act like he did... It's this very thing that scares me to tears all to often... Am I going to end up treating my kids like he treated me and Angela? Am I going to have the capacity to love them? The capacity that he never displayed he had? The only time I ever saw my Dad cry... was when Pap died. He died while they were on bad terms, and I knew he wasn't taking it well. I hugged him, and he wept, very very openly, in my arms... The most connection I had ever felt with him. We were always never more than friends. I would sit and watch shows with him... shows that interested him, to try and get into his good graces. I participated in things that I thought would make him happy... baseball, namely, and I fuckin hate that sport. But he showed so much interest... so much enthusiasm...
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Angry moment... Instead of the usual wall punching... I'm about this close to tears right now... Ready for some Adema lyrics?? Here:
"I went outside, to take a walk
So I could relive memories
I thought that you would lend, a hand
But you were never, ever there
It's all in your mind, you do what you wanna do
Your promises are all played out
You've got your wish, you've worn me down
Ive treated you the best I could
I realize that I don't need you
I lost my way when you left home
I thought that you could change your life
What did I do, why do you lie?
You've walked back in, my hands are tied
It's all in your mind, you do what you wanna do
Your promises are all played out,
You've got your wish, you've worn me down
Ive treated you the best I could
I realize that I don't need you
It's all in your mind, you do what you want to me
It's all in your mind, you do what you want to me
I'm tired, I'm so damn angry with YOUUUUU
You're not gonna change, I see who you really are
Your promises are all played out
You've got your wish, you've worn me down
I've treated you the best I could
I realize that I don't need you
Your promises, your promises, your promises,
They're all played out
You're so played out, you're so played out, you're so played out
They're all played out"
It really holds no clout unless you hear him sing it... It's moving... really...
So anyways, Dad called Angela today, and talked to her for the first time in a long time too... He told her that he wants to make amends... He also told her that Gram had a heart attack, and that Uncle Tom's cancer has nearly reached critical mass... ... ... .... ... ... ... . .. .. . . ... . .
*sigh*... Look, I could be like him. I could say "Dad, you and I are both smart ppl. If you're only going to call me whenever death or illness warrants it, then don't call me at all." That would be harsh, and dickheaded, and... everything that imbodies what I don't want to become of me that personifies him. Perhaps that's what sets me apart from him? The fact that I can recognize that things like that are wrong? But recognition is only half the battle... It's acting upon what you know... But am I too proud? Pride hurts... It sucks... Am I him? What am I? Who am I?
This is too much right now... I don't need to be thinking about this now, with finals... I don't know what to do... ????? WHAT DO I DO!??! god damnit... More Adema:
"Sometimes I only remember,
The days when I was young,
Nowadays, no one remembers,
when they were young and stupid.
Come on, baby, help me!
Someone to confide in
Now youre begging me to stay...
The way you like it"
I wish that all I could think about were the days when I was young... and stupid. That's it... that's enough of this for tonight... I've had it for tonight...
Me???:
"When it comes to how to live his life, he can't be told
He says it got it all under control
Thinks he knows is not a problem he stuck with
But in reality, it'd be a problem to just quit
...
....
... He can't hold the reigns,
His pain is worse cause his friends have it the same
Tries to slow down the problem he's got,
but can't get off the carousel until he makes it stop
He can only fool himself for so long,
He can only fool himself for so long,
He can only fool himself for so long,
He can only fool himself!" -Linkin Park "Carousel"
Me?????:
"I let myself fall into a lie,
I let my walls come down
I let myself smile and feel alive
I let my walls come down
No matter how I try, I don't know why
You push so far away
You wrapped your hands tight around my heart
And squeezed it full of pain
With this knife I'll cut out the part of me,
The part that cares for you
With this knife I'll cut out the heart of me,
The heart that cares for you
I can't believe the way you took me down
I never saw the pain
Coming in a million broken miles
Like a posion for my veins
With this knife I'll cut out the part of me,
The part that cares for you
With this knife I'll cut out the heart of me,
The heart that cares for you!!!!" -Smile Empty Soul "With This Knife"
Me:??!?!?!!?!?!!?!
"I liked, having hurt...
So send the pain below,
where I need it
You used to beg me to take, care of things
And smile, at the thought, of me failing
But looooooonnnnggg before, having hurt
I'd send the pain below,
I'd send the pain below,
Much like suffocating
Much like suffocating
Much like suffocating
Id send the pain below
Much like suffocating
Id send the pain below" -Chevelle "Send the Pain Below"
"Sometimes,
I wish I was brave
I wish I was stronger
I wish I could feel no pain
I wish I was young
I wish I would try
I wish I was honest
I wish I was you, not I
Cause I feel so mad
Feel so angry
Feel so callous
So lost, confused, again " Blink 182 (Boxcar Racer) "I Feel So"
"Yo he estado aqui, muchas veces antes, y regreso" From "The Leaving Song Pt. 2" by AFI, and I think the translation is "I have been here many times before and I return"... It's outta context from the song, but I didn't feel like putting the whole thing... They later say
"Y regreso, aqui otra vez, y comienzo" which I believe means "And I return here again and I begin..."
Well, enough song lyrics eh? I'm sure you're all either sick of reading them, or sick of the fact that it may appear that I try and define myself by something that some artist wrote that was meant to define him... well, I don't care... We ALL do that... That's what music is... That's one of it's most important functions, I believe. So that's what I did... Maybe now I will be able to sleep? Ohhh, I hope...
"Those who know not what they seek
And so cross valley, mountain, and creek
Will someday find the meadow they desire
And will build a home without envy or ire
And when their work is finally done
Just as the land swallows up the sun
They will sit in peace and laugh until sleep
And every second in memory keep
Beacause they know the worth of open sky
And in that place no man can ever die
For their spirits take root and grow and flower
With every sunrise and with every shower
These are the men that know themselves
They need not the masks that fill others' shelves
And every night they stare up high
Like the wolves beneath the sky
And sing a song of rustling weeds
Crumbling halls and glorious deeds
And like the melody of the lonely loon
They sing in awe with every rising moon"
"When you look inside and think, and wonder
'Is my life all right? Is it all just a blunder?
Do I hold those who've wronged me in contempt?
Or should I let it go, from my hate be exempt?
Should I spend my life doing this, or doing that?'
It's all just a question of tit-for-tat
So remember: When you feel like being pensive, and as such, reflect
The choices you make are always correct
Do not question whether they're wrong or right
Just as you'd not question the moon standing at night
The first one isn't mine, but the second one is, and it's unfinished right now, but... It will become complete later...
Meanwhile, finals are happening all around us: Econs, Maths, Germans.... Everything. Here's the skinny - cause I'm not:
Econ 2 (Micro): This exam was fairly easy. I'm fairly certain I got an A on it, which would clench my A in the class for sure. Good shit!
Econ 4 (Macro): This exam was slightly harder. Nevertheless, I got my grade already - 88. This is EXACTLY what I needed to get to clench the A in THAT class! More good shit!
Math 141 (Calc 2): This exam was easier, slightly, than I thought it would be. There were a few sequences I know I missed, and I couldn't find the error estimate using Taylor's Remainder. Oh well... I think I did very good
Math 220 (Linear Algebra/Matrices): This exam was easier than I thought it would be too, which is VERY clutch. I need a good grade on the final in this class soooo bad! Cross your fingers!
German 2: I have yet to take this final, but that doesn't even matter. It's gonna be easy, b/c German is easy. I MIGHT look at the vocab for a LITTLE bit... who knows? I mean, I have packing to do too haha ;)
In MUCH more unfortunate news, my dear dear Red Wings lost in overtime of game 6 last night to the Calgary Flames, 1-0. It was a crucial game; since the Wings lost, they're out, and the Flames move on to the Western Conference Finals. They better fucking house the shit out of San Jose and take it all the way to the Cup baby!
I watched the Real World tonight. It was a good episode. Point: On it, the castmates all flipped out on each other. It proved that even those who are chill lose their calm sometimes, even border on absolute insanity. I look back, and while things about 2 months ago might have made me feel like that - or show it on this journal - I hope that it didn't show in person. I don't wanna lose the 'fun guy' persona. But, even if it did show, it was nothing I could help. If it showed, then it needed to show, ergo I have no reason to apologize. I do not intend to.
If you would have asked me about my readiness to leave this place 2 or 3 months ago, I would have told you I was as ready as I'd ever be. Now, however, I find myself not wanting to leave. There are actually a lot of things I like here. The atmosphere, the ppl, everything. Moreover, as I think about it, I find that I can draw a corollary to my wanting to stay here or not to the status of the Guys and Jenna. If everything's going smoothly and shit's all good, then I find myself not really needing to be home. However, as per Fall Semester, at the heat of all the shit, I was going home every weekend. Now, ask yourself, what kinda fucking sense does that make??? Why would I want to go home in bad time and stay here in 'peace' time (haha)?? Good question... It's just something to do with my personality. I think I thrive on bullshit... honestly? Who knows? I'm done speculating. However, I DO have plenty of things to look forward to this summer *cough ;) cough* ... Plenty... And since it's my perrogative whether to name these things or not, I'm gonna just leave ya'll guessing. Needless to say, it's all gonna be fun. All of it. EXCEPT THAT MATT ALLEN'S NOT GONNA BE THERE! FUCKER! (don't worry dog, I'll keep her in line ;) ) hahah
Well, that's about it for today ppl. I'll holla at ya'll lizzater! haha... Night ;)
Well, the summer started off decent. A few parties, a few highlights. Matt and Dustin partook of some boozing fun. Garito's camp times 2 or 3, I can't really remember. ahahha... Luke, Brandon and I partook of some Camp Korb fun... Not much to tell there, except that it was really quite shocking to find that Tiff Nichols, across from whom I sat in homeroom for 4 years didn't know who I was, but about a dozen ppl who were older than me and shouldn't have known who I was, did! hahaha...
Mom and I had a huge fight about Chad's wedding... A lot of hurtful things were said, and a lot of permenant scars were caused... Here is an apology to my future wife: Whatever she said to offend you, I promise you, isn't true. And just remember, I punched a nice crack into my door for you... (and Sandy, too).
Mom also recently offended the hell out of Garito, myself, but more importantly, Brandon. Apologies go out to you two for having to put up with the shit. I honestly chalk up a lot of the recent explosive tendencies to menopause, but what do I know?
Matt's gone, Sean's gone, Kim's gone... All the ppl who would keep me grounded... balance me out... watch my steps... are all gone ... For Matt, it's only been a week, but for the others, it's already been a year. What difference a year can bring? Kim is with child, and is married. I find it slightly awkward to talk to her, if only b/c, if I were her husband, I don't know how comfortable I would be with her talking to me, even though we are long time friends. However, I support her unconditionally, b/c that's what friends do!!! Love ya Kimmy!
Sherman's Erin, Sean's Wendy, Chris's Tonya, and Chad's Sandy are all pregnant as well... Congratulations everyone! Holy shit, you all know how to plan them don't you? Shit... hahhhah... Spring really must have been in the air... Holy fuck...
You know what? Honestly, there is an asspile more to talk about, but it's hot as fuck right now, so I'll take care of the rest of this later on then. Until then
We'll start with the oldest material and work our way forward to most recent.
Matt left. Kinda wasn't sure how the summer would go as a result. I don't really remember a lot of the older stuff... I think that the fun stuff this summer didn't really start until about 4 weeks ago. Nevertheless, I have to talk about the DC. I worked in FID, or Freight Identification. It was one of the cakiest starting positions you could be blessed with out there. I was lucky, indeed. Having a steady income, I was able to get a 1999 Chevy Cavalier with 70000 miles, etc. It is a very nice car, especially for someone's first car.
Fast forward now, to about 4 weeks ago. A single night of debauchery... easily my most memorable night of the summer. A quick summary of that night:
-$50 worth of beer
-Strip Rock/paper/scissors (yes you read that right) We four who played were naked in like 4 minutes lol
-Luke, gettin some scratch... Dude, it was like a freaking porno, buddy... everyone shoulda just fucked, so we all had a story to tell the kids
-Ran up the fuckin poker table on the Garito clan of friends, turning $4 into $16, so booyah... 7 card no peek rocks my socks off
-Went to a friend's house to give something new a try...
-Walked home
How can you top that night? I mean, it was ridiculous. Well, with a party at Luke's, that's how. It was cool, it was cool...
Then with a party at Sherman's!! Shotglass Chess rocks my socks off bitches!
Then with a party at Chels', which was even cooler. Sorry luke :( The Ott's fucking rule... every one of them... oh, and Jess D, too!! "It's a party bitch!" This is all in one weekend!!!!!! Needless to say, work on Tuesday freaking blew! hhaha
Had a very indepth, and what I felt - and had been feeling for a long time - was a very necessary, talk with Jenna. Things ... hmmm... things have a weird way of working themselves out... a weird way of ... playing out... I want to say soooooooo much right here, but... "FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" will suffice.
Chelsey, I love you to death... Please tell me there are AT LEAST 1,000 more just like you... (so my chances of meeting one increase, lol ;) )
Thank you...
Uncle Tom... you were a great man... You lived everyday to it's fullest... every single fucking person in the entire world should aspire to live their own lives much like you lived yours.... RIP August 26, 2004... he was 40 years old as of April. Cancer... Have fun looking at your father, for the first time.... Tell him i said hi, and that i miss him
Dad... dad oh dad... we made some great headway. I feel so relieved since that day... I feel so much more complete. Irony is a bitch... we ARE a lot alike, and that's NOT something derrogatory. I'm excited to see how this all plays out... Yes, I love you.... it's been a long time... too long
And here I am, at school... More on this year's class of 3FG as I learn more about them...
I'm dead tired right now, so ... Ill holla at ya'll later... ;)
Good News: I got a phone call from the Atherton St. Walmart, and she said that I'm pretty much hired (no thanks to the efforts of the Distribution Center's Personal Manager, Al Arnold, whom I must thank), so I'll start in a few days, as an Unloader. I don't know how hard it is... Hey, there's probably no production, so ... lol... It can't be harder than the DC! lol
Dad called last night, and it made me very happy for some reason... I didn't realize how happy I was until I got off the phone and was grinning from ear to ear. Thank you dad, ... ... ... ...
"Vindicated" by Dashboard Confessional
Hope, dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in, and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye
And roped me in so, mezmerizing, so, hypnitizing, I am, captivated, I am
VINDICATED!
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself
Sooo, clear, like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intention
Oversized, and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me, so, isolated, so, motivated, I am, certain now that I am,
VINDICATED!
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself
So tired, of the corners of your lips
Bite them, and feel my fingertips
Trace the moment, fall forever
Defense is paperthin just, one touch, and I'd be in too, deep now, to ever swim
Against the current, so
Let me slip away,
so let me slip away,
so let me slip away,
so let me slip away, against the current,
so let me slip away
so let me slip away
let me slip away
I am
VINDICATED!
I am selfish, I am wrong, I am right, I swear I'm right, Swear I knew it all along
I am flawed, But I am cleaning up so well, I am seeing in me now, The things you swore you saw yourself
I LOVE that song! Kinda sums me up right now... And I really love "Asleep in a Chapel" by Thursday, but it would be a waste of time to type out, b/c I'm a) sure that no one really even cared to read the lyrics I already put, and b) sure that no one really likes Thursday, or c) cares. LOL...
Also, my roomie has me on a SERIOUS techno kick... hold your fucking comments bitches! lol
Alright, well, that's enough for me tonight... Good night all ... !
The Guys - comprising Phil, Matt, and Garito, fresh from a journey home for the weekend - stopped over to my place Sunday. What a good fucking day to pick, you fuckers... The town is practically dry on Sunday, and there really wasn't much kickin... So we passed the time walking around downtown, scoping out the fine ass this town has to offer. When it got later, we played poker in the Commons, where each of us lost $5 - some faster than others. Byron, really, it was just $5... please don't jump out your first story window... hahahaha
Classes are starting to get a little rough, and I'm finding it hard to find the motivation to get the homework done. It kinda sucks...
Friday night, Brandon and the Altoona crew, who appartently "roll 50 deep," (hahahahahahahahahahah!!!) came into State College, and we went around, living it up. We went to an appartment party on Atherton and Beaver, where there was plenty of beer to go around, and apparently ugly ass bitches, as evidenced by them hitting on Brandon... sorry dude... There were some hotties, though... ok, just one... a fine Asian cheerleader girl... man, she could twork it... lol... The appartment dude had a birthday that day - lucky fucker - and they had a contest where the hot bitches gave him lap dances... The winner, as judged by a panel of the horniest fuckers you'll ever see, won a handle of liquor... and probably a lay by the bday boy.
We left that party, and on our way to the Meridian, I twisted my ankle in a drunken stupor, falling off the curb. :( Brett, just b/c I was 4th in my class doesn't mean I, too, don't lose coordination when drunk, fucker! lol... We arrived at the Meridian, where we went into a girl named Corey's room... she was cool as hell, and certainly was too good for the guy she had, as verified by a group of esteemed collegues. I also met the legendary Niehar, and Indian kid who apparently knows how to party - and kick ass.... .... ... ???
Brandon and I scampered back to my place, whereupon we crashed hard....
We woke up the next morning, hit a few tennis balls, ate, then went in search of tickets for him to get into the game. We didn't find any, and I went home and passed out, still hungover. It was a very relaxing day, and I regret now having a job, b/c I don't know if I'll ever have a relaxing day again :(... There year, truly, will not be anything like the last. Oh well... It's a good lesson in change, asshole
That's it for a weekend wrap-up, etc. Take it easy...
This past week has been wrought with crappiness... however, before I continue, I would like to point out that, no matter what 'crappiness' I have seen in the past week, nothing can come close to the crappiness that, I'm sure we can all agree, comes along with fearing for the lives of loved ones. Look, no one deserves to have to go thru that, but certain people should be granted immunity from such things, and you are certainly one of them. You and I both know you have a billion and a half ppl pullin for ya, and you can count me in... *prayers*
Last Wednesday, I started work at Walmart in the Meat Dept. Man, everyone there seems so like... I don't know. Sorta mean... all the management is kinda mean. EXCEPT my Meat Dept manager... she's honestly the shit. Its cool as hell... lol. The job is cakey, but the hours are not, and I fear it'll wear down on me, especially in instances when I have a lot of hmwk or exams and shit, ie this week and last, hence my 'crappiness.'
Otherwise, I mean, yeah... these past two weeks have been cool. Matt came down BOTH of them, and the first one was fun. Him and I (more I than him), downed almost an entire handle of Admiral Nelson's Spiced Rum (think Capt Morgan's, but cheaper, harder, and, well... One rank higher, bitch! lol) Needless to say, by the time Dustin, Phil, Jenna, and Lindsay showed up, I was more than slightly inebriated. I passed out, woke up, and all I remember was slapping Jenna's leg and laughing about something. My Dad and his gf, Shelia, showed up, and they drank a little too... It was a good time. The guys all left and Matt and I went out... It was sick.
Yesterday, I clicked on a link in JimmyD's away message on AIM, and lo, I became infected with a virus. Thanks a lot Jim!!!! ... lol... it really wasn't his fault, but I'm telling you, it was a nasty fucker. I had to reformat the HD, b/c that was easier than searching for how to get rid of it and getting kicked off the server in the meantime. So I did that today, and reinstalled all the essentials, ie the Windows updates, Yahoo, AIM, and, whilst searching for Kazaalite++, I found a new one called Ares (thanks Dan, it's the shit) and it's just simply amazing. The dl's are LIGHTNING fast, and there are NO CORRUPTED FILES! How sick is that?!?! So now, needless to say, I'm on a dl spree to regain as many of the 1300 songs I had previous to the gay reformat. It'll never be the same ... :( ... ... *moment of silence * lol
I can't wait to start getting freaking paid for work... once I get all caught up on my car payments/insurance, I already have it planned out how I'm gonna FINALLY get shit like: XBOX, iPod, a stereo system... you know, all the essential for a college guy... lol... Maybe a mail-order bride from Scotland (I like the sound of a woman with a Scotish accent... go figure ? lol )
I don't know where that all came from ahah.. oh well...
The second weekend Matt came over, I actually picked him up on Thursday night (wtf was I thinking? lol) ... One of the nights, I forget which, we went out looking for a party, and we came across this dude who, upon questioning from Matt about the whereabouts of a party, says "I don't know man, but I just came from one... *pause for laughter at his contradictory first statement... at least we're off to a good start eh?* " Matt:"Well where was it?" Him:"Some place called Park Plaza" Me:"Did you know someone there" Him:"Nah man, I just saw the party, walked in a started boozing hard man... *pause again for hysterical laughter ... ... comeon, 'boozing hard'? lol* ... " Us:"Thanks man" Him: *laughter* Upon arrival at Park Plaza, and with us eager to start 'boozing hard' a la our new friend, we found that there was in fact no party, and this man had boozed with thin air, which is completely possible given the circumstances. We wandered further, to a frat, and waited like 5 minutes to get in, then once in, were not given beer from one of the brothers, fucker... "in which we got the fuck out" (if you don't mind me stealing your line, Brandon) ... We waltzed are happy asses back the fuck home, and I proceeded to play poker long into the night.
I reinitiated communications with Ann... I kinda knew that I was gonna get everybit of what I got, deservingly even... Other than getting it handed to me, it was cool...
On a side note, I think Koramo from the Real World: Philly needs to calm the fuck down...
On another side note, I think that Amber and I are going to fucking buy a house together in Europe... (Italy's cool with me.. lol... )
I'm moderately concerned for my HS friends, all of whom have the ability to attend college, but none of whom seem to have the initive... I wonder if they've even taken the SAT's yet? ... when questioned, for instance, Dustin says "Oh yeah... I've been looking at schools and scholarships and everything... ... ... ... pshhh " followed by group laughter and a few "I was gonna say" 's ... Good luck Guys... and btw, why in the hell isn't Mollura teaching Calculus in AP fucking Calculus yet??!!?!!?! By my watch, they're about 1/2 way through the first 9 weeks, and not even a mention of limits yet?!?! ... man oh man... I think perhaps I need to replace him (fresh outta college, I might add lol :P )
For some reason, I'm getting back into games again for some reason, and I can't figure it out. I played Civ III all last week, Warcraft 3 this week, I simply cannot WAIT for World of Warcraft, I can't WAIT to get my paycheck to buy an XBOX with Xmen legends and Fable, and I even made Gamespot my homepage... I HAVE to get the PSP, but it's a bit pricey, so maybe Nintendo's new DS system??? What the hell am I getting myself into again? lol... someone save me...
Alright, that's about it for me guys... It's been good... I'll talk to you all later... Take care
When I go to a party, the objective is to have fun. What this means to me is that everyone else is also having a good time. I don't care what they're doing in order to achieve that "good time," but I know that people will not let loose and have a good time if they have to worry about whether I'm around to tell others about their 'exploits.' "Is Joe looking? Where is he?" GOD, I dont want to be that guy, and I will NEVER be that guy. I really am not a babysitter. Do not treat me as such.
So anyway, I am starting this Journal again. You know, I can't believe the roller coaster I went on when I used to write in this. I would go on and on all the time about all these emotions and you know what? It all boils down to one word which I've learned to accept:
CHANGE
Change was hard for me to tangle with, and it is currently the task at hand for a couple of my friends. College is a HUGE change, but not just in light of academic reasons, location changes, etc, but also because of all the peripheral things, like living by yourself, doing your own laundry, buying your own food. These things sound moot, but all of them add up in small amounts to change you, change your world. It was once said that "What we are never changes. Who we are changes all the time." I find that quote to be quite accurate. We are creatures of habit. We all have rituals. We all have things that are constant in the back of our mind, but we translate that consistency to the real life, and we shouldn't. You go to college, and in the back of your mind, you associate all your friends with Clearfield. But your friends aren't always in Clearfield now. They are out making new friends too, having new experiences. Here's some hope for you who are struggling though: Once you learn to embrace change, it can be quite the rush.
And real quick, on the "change" issue... I was just reading above through all the old posts. I'm now wrestling with the "do you stand by what you said" question. Well, simply, I do not. If I could renounce half the stuff up there, I would, because it was all the ramblings of an adolescent (no matter how adult I felt), naieve crybaby. I have come to realize A LOT about people, in particular, and so things are more acceptable for me now. Which leads me to : Could it be said that those who are open to change are the 'open-minded ones?' The ones who accept seemingly weird things because, through their struggles with 'change,' they've come to be accepting of many things. I know Luke would disagree with me on this point. I think he would consider himself a conservative-minded person, but is open to change. Perhaps there are different kids of change. I've begun to ramble. Sorry.
So allow me, for a moment, to reiterate that Brian's camp party, despite Rolo and Mantooth's presense, was incredibly enjoyable. The usual crew, ie The Guys minus Matt and Dustin, Adam, Regina, Trey, Kem, Species and their other friends. This time, however, Jenna brought her crew as well, which was cool. I met Rachael that night... she's awesome, and I heard it through the grape vine she can whip up a crazy batch of mac and cheese on the fly. Hmmm... I think everything else has been chronicled, so I'll stop with the pleasantries.
Allow me to reiterate another point: I simply cannot wait until next semester. I am so sick of my current classes (Math, Math, Math, and Math) I could fucking kill someone. My major-change is totally in order. Next semester I'm taking 3 Poli Sci courses on various topics, 2 Econ courses on mostly international economies, and a music course for a Gen Ed requirement, so it'll be QUITE the accepted change of pace. I may even go back to making Dean's List, which would be welcome.
That's enough for tonight. I'm gonna go update the pics now... various pics I've acquired since the site's first "shutdown." Mostly, it'll be party pics, so go check 'em out! Later.