Dear Cindy,
You must hate me for what I�ve put you through since the moment we both moved away from each other. I didn�t want to let you know why we were moving in fear that my plans wouldn�t work out. I owe you some explications.
We moved to Florida because I wanted to audition for this show and there was no guarantee if I�d get the role because of the amount of kids that auditioned. Luckily, I got the job, but then, after the first week, I realized that my heart was with you. You have no idea how much I missed you and how often I cried myself to sleep wondering if you still thought of me or if you moved on and found someone else.
When the show was cancelled, I was lost and I knew that I needed you. I called you and you told me that everything happened for a reason. You helped me clear things our and I knew right then that I wanted to marry you.
After our honeymoon, I got a call from a friend of mine that I�ve met at that show and he told me that a friend of his and him were forming a singing group. I decided to give one last try at my singing career. A few months later, we taped a demo concert at Pleasure Island and we got a record deal. I went home to let you know and mom told me you were not there.
Our old executive director saw my ring and he told me to take it off. Unfortunately for him, the ring didn�t come off no matter what he did. He made me lie about my family background. All five of us, we had to go out there and say that we were single and looking for that special girl. It killed me. After every show, I locked myself in my room and cried.
We worked our butts off. We were pushed to our limits in Europe and our executive director didn�t give us a break. We had a lot of shows to do that we didn�t know about. Two months later, we had three days off. I hoped on the first plane and came to you. I needed to see you.
Now, thinking of all this, it makes me realize how unfair I was to you. We could of spent watching TV, anything, but I� I need you physically and spiritually and the only way to know that you were there for me and loved me was when we made love. Being on the road and seeing all these beautiful woman, I had to sit back and watch two of my friends sleep with all these girls and being unfaithful to their girlfriends back in the states. So many times girls came to me and tried to turn me on and tried to kiss me and tried to go to my room.
I hated myself that I went home to you twice and all we did was make love and I left you a few hours later. I didn�t mind, but if you thought about it, it sounded like I was going to you just to get laid. It�s not that. I needed you to� I needed it to let me know that you were there for me, that the both of us would still be together if this singing group wouldn�t work out. It physically hurted to know that my two band mates were in their room with a girl and I was in my room crying in the bathroom so no one heard me. Crying because I wanted you with me.
In may 1996, we had a break and I went home. No matter what you said, all I saw was the fact that you went through all this without me. Why didn�t you tell me? You wanted me to keep singing? You should have told me. I stayed with you for two weeks. I didn�t care that my executive director was threatening me. I had to spend some time with you. I had to be there for them and I wanted to help you because you were weak.
I had to go because we had to promote our debut album. It was the hardest thing to do in my life. Walk away from the four of you. I didn�t turn back because I knew that if I did, I would have ran back to you and stayed home. As soon as I got back in Germany, my executive director told me I was no longer allowed to go see you. He told me that my wife could sit at home and wait for me. I told him that I was going home every time I had enough time because my kids needed me. He of course didn�t believe me so I showed him the picture we did the week before and he just stared at it.
He hated me. I didn�t care. He made my life on tour miserable. Forced me to go on dates with girls. Before you start thinking, I did not sleep with them.
Two months later, I heard my executive director say that we had a week off because we had nothing scheduled and I heard him say to our bodyguards that they had to keep an eye on me. I ran out and went to my room. My band mates were in the room watching TV. They asked me where I was going and I just told them that I�d be back the day before our time off and they got up and packed also. We all went to the airport and we all flew our separate way.
You were so surprised to see me. I threw my things on the floor and you ran into my arms. I knew that I was doing the right thing. I didn�t care how much trouble I�d be in when I got back in Germany. I didn�t care at all. All that mattered to me was the fact that I was home with you in my arms and I could see my three little angels.
That night, I was amused that you wanted me this time and not the other way around. Who was I to stop my wife from making love to me? I knew deep down inside that this wasn�t right. You know. Come home to make love to you and then leave the same night. You read my mind after. You told me that it was okay. You told me that it was normal because we were far away from each other for a long period of time and we never knew for how long I�d be gone. You even made a joke saying that we wanted a big family and that this was how it was done.
The next morning, you told me that you�ll be pregnant again and you explained me how you already knew it. I felt bad. Knowing that we created a little child and I wouldn�t be here for you. You told me that your brothers and our parents helped you with the two other pregnancies. You asked me if I wanted to see the two videos and while you searched them, I brought our angels into our bedroom.
I can still feel you head on my naked chest, with our little Lawrence sleeping peacefully on my chest, Katherine beside me, and Josh beside you. It felt good to have you four beside me. It was so amazing to see my angels come to life. It was like I was there. I realized then that you understood the choices I�ve taken. I knew you understood that I had to go on tours because you�ve been doing it also since you were touring with your parents often.
Unfortunately, time went by too fast and I had to go back. Management was furious but my band mates told him it was their idea and Chris, the oldest of us, said that we were all with him at the hospital because his mother was at the hospital. Which was true. We then released our album and I called you on Valentine�s Day and Heather gave a number. I dialled the number not knowing what was going on until I heard your voice and a baby cry. I wanted to be there so badly. I gave you an address and you sent me a picture of little Ryan.
On my birthday, I then asked you not to watch any musical TV shows because I didn�t want you to see and hear the lies I had to go through. You understood and joked that you could always watch it and call on the show saying that you gave birth to a child and wanted me to come and help you. I knew that you didn�t care at all how many records I sold and how much money we had in our bank
After my birthday, we taped our Disney concert. How I whished you were here with the kids. How I wanted to just scream at the top of my lungs that I had my own family waiting for me. That I was a father of four kids and that I was only 21 years old. But I couldn�t.
We took a break in July and I wanted to die that night. No matter how much you told me it was okay, that you understood that I couldn�t be there for you, I wanted to give everything up. It hurts me that I can�t be there for you when you have morning sickness, when you can�t do anything and you have to watch our mothers do it for you instead of me. But when you placed Amanda and Mary in my arms, the way they looked at me, I knew that I had to keep doing this no matter how much it sucked.
In November, I came home and told you about the court. Told you how much money we lost. How our executive director pushed us to the limit that Lance fainted backstage. You let me cry on your shoulder telling me that it�d be okay, that we will be able to sing no matter what the layers will throw at us. You even told me that if no record deal took us, you�d ask your father to take us, and you would be our manager. You always knew how to make me laugh.
I went back and we went through the trial. JIVE records offered a deal and we took it. We immediately went into work and released our next album. I wanted to surprise you and drove home. I wanted to let you know that I spoke with our manager, and he told me that JIVE gave me the green light to let every one know about us. But then, I was an hour from home when� when a car hit me and everything became dark.
I woke up in a hospital. Nurses told me that my girlfriend was here and then she came in. I, I didn�t know her; all I knew is that I had to go because I had to appear on a show that week. As we flew back to Orlando, I realized that I didn�t know if I had a family. As time passed, I realized that I had amnesia and I had forgotten about my family.
Two weeks ago, my band mate and I had an argument and he punched me. I feel and hit my head. I woke up at the hospital with my band mates around me and they were relieved that I was awake. Everything came back to me in a rush; my friends got scared and called a nurse. The doctor came in and asked me questions but I kept saying �no� over and over again.
Cindy, I know that, maybe, during this time, you moved on and, maybe you�re with someone else, raising our angels with this someone, but, I need to talk to you, I just, I need to apologize to you personally for all this. Please come to the bridge. You can slap me; you can hit me; you can scream at me, but please come. We need to talk this out. I can�t go on knowing you went through all this.
Sincerely yours,
Joshua
Cindy placed the letter on her lap and let the tears flow. She didn�t know what to do. She grabbed her cell phone and dialled Josh�s cell phone. He answered and knew right away something was wrong. Cindy only told him that she was at the pond and he hung up.