Carol slumped onto the toilet seat, the white pen stick in her hands. It was negative. Again.

They had been married for a year, a whole perfect year. Despite all his worries about being a failure as a husband, Leo had made her happier than she ever thought possible. He was attentive, loving, brought her flowers every Monday night and they spent every Sunday at home together.

The only downside to their marriage was their inability to conceive. Every month they made mad passionate love and two weeks later she would get her period. Leo was philosophical. He’d managed to get Jenny pregnant and it was probably the combination of the drink and drugs that was causing the problem. But they could, and would, get pregnant.

“Carol, honey,” Leo called, knocking lightly on the door. “We need to go.”

She tried to choke back the sob but it escaped, tears flowing with it.

Leo opened the door and crossed to perch on the bath tub. “Oh sweetie.” His arms wrapped around her back as he pulled her head to his shoulder. “We’ll get there.” His optimism was diminishing with every month she failed to get pregnant, with each set of tears, but he didn’t want Carol to know that.

“Leo, I wanna a baby,” she sobbed, gripping his jacket.

“I know.” He shifted position and she lifted her head. “I’m sorry. This isn’t helping your back. And I’m just being silly.”

He shook his head firmly, looking deep into her eyes. “It’s not silly to want a child, it’s not silly to want it so much it hurts. We just need to keep trying,” he suggested lightly. “We’ve always been good at the trying.”

“Yeah.” She didn’t want to keep trying, she wanted a baby.

“Let’s get you into bed and I’ll phone CJ and tell her you aren’t coming in.”

Carol nodded. Any other day she would fight him, insisting that CJ needed her. Today, the fight had gone out of her. All she wanted to do was lie on the bed and wallow.

Christmas had been a distraction from their problems. With the triplets’ birthday party, the Congressional Christmas party and the variety of other events that December hailed, there was little time to worry about what wasn’t happening, instead they focused on what was.

January had brought the State of The Union, a month of virtual seclusion in the West Wing for everyone. The infertility was never far from Leo’s mind as he tried to throw himself into work, wondering if there really was a problem. If there was, it had to be him and he would never forgive himself if Carol missed out of being a mother because of him.

In March Carol went to her doctor for a check up. After some routine blood work she was sent home and told not to give up hope. The tests had shown nothing wrong and the doctor had told her firmly that a year really wasn’t that long to be trying. They went back to trying at every opportunity.

When Carol was still not pregnant by July, Leo took it upon himself to arrange a visit to the clinic. It had been Margaret’s suggestion that they go to see Maggie Reynolds and that’s how they found themselves sitting in her clinic early one Friday morning.

Carol picked up a magazine and began to flip through it, not really reading, but not wanting to sit in awkward silence either.

Leo had been as jumpy as a cat on a hot tin roof ever since the appointment had been confirmed. It couldn’t be easy for him, she decided, being put under intense scrutiny about his body. She had, since she was old enough to have sex, suffered through smears and internal exams, and luckily never had a problem. He, on the other hand, had never spent much time with doctors, except Abbey, of course.

“Mr. McGarry, Mrs. McGarry?“ Maggie gave him a warm smile and held out her hand. “I’m Dr. Reynolds, but please call me, Maggie.“

Leo shook her hand firmly, “Then call me, Leo.“

“Of course, I feel as though I already know you.“

He wasn’t sure how to take that comment.

“Carol,“ Maggie smiled.

“Come in.“ Maggie waited until they were seated before closing the door and dropping into her chair. “Excuse me, but all I know is what you told me on the phone.“

Carol reached out and grabbed Leo’s hand, holding it tightly between them. “We’ve been trying to have a baby for eighteen months, actually probably longer than that. It just isn’t happening.“

“And having a baby is important to you?” Maggie asked quietly, making discreet notes.

Carol nodded, glancing across at Leo.

“Leo?”

“Carol is going to make an amazing mother. And I want, more than anything, to have a child with her,” Leo offered candidly, without a hint of embarrassment. “Margaret thought you might be able to help.”

Maggie nodded, “Okay. I have Carol’s medical file and there appears to be nothing wrong there, but I want to run a few more tests. Do you have time now?”

“Sure,” Leo shrugged.

“Okay, this is going to get personal and slightly embarrassing but. . . And I stress this, nothing goes beyond this room,” Maggie declared. “Firstly I want to run a semen test. I know you have a daughter but it was a long time ago, so I wanna check to make sure you are fertile. It’s not as bad as it seems. You can use a room down the hall.” She pushed a small jar towards Leo. “And Carol, I take it you’ve been checking your basal temperature?”

“Yeah, it seems normal.”

“I’d like to take some more blood from Carol and book you in for a Hysterosalpingogram. It will tell me whether the fallopian tubes are open and the uterus is normal. Unfortunately it’s a little evasive but it’s the next step.”

“What will that tell you?”

“If you have fibroids, polyps, or an obstruction in one or both of the fallopian tubes. You’re mid cycle right? Then we can book it in for this week,” Maggie explained. “It may all sound a little clinical but the more we know the more I can help. If there are no problems we can do a post-coital test.”

Leo didn’t like the sound of that. She wanted to test them after sex. He scrunched up his face.

Maggie stifled a grin. “Leo, it’s not what you think. You make love, then Carol comes down here and we take a sample. I don’t have to actually be present.”

“Don’t say that, you’ll disappoint him,” Carol chuckled, squeezing Leo’s hand. “Thank you, Maggie.”

“I haven’t done anything, yet.”

“You’ve given us hope,” she replied, smiling for the first time in weeks.

*******

“I’m back,” Carol announced, sticking her head around CJ’s office doorway. “What do ya need?”

“Actually, I’m good. Margaret came down and sorted through the wires, did a little shredding.” CJ stopped typing and walked around the desk. “So how did it go?”

Carol shrugged. It wasn’t something, despite how close she was to her boss, that she wanted to go into any great detail about. “It went.”

“Carol?” CJ asked, leaning on the desk and motioning for Carol to close the door.

“She’s going to run some tests. It could be fibroids or polyps or something equally as treatable,” Carol explained, dropping on the couch and folding her hands in her lap.

“Bet Leo loved that. Discussing the intricacies of the female anatomy.”

“That wasn’t what embarrassed him,” Carol stated without thinking.

“Oh?” CJ’s interest was piqued now. “What did?”

Carol shook her head, she knew better than to go there. “Doesn’t matter.”

“Spoilsport,” CJ scoffed before softening her tone and leaning forward. “You know, if you ever need to talk my door is open, right?”

“Thanks. It’s just. . .”

“Margaret’s easier for you to talk to,” CJ finished. “It’s okay, but I am here if you need to get drunk, or something.”

“I’ll bear that in mind,” Carol smiled. “Now, if you don’t mind, I need to check how super efficient Margaret’s been with my desk.”

CJ waved her off, wondering exactly how hard the infertility thing was affecting Carol.

******

Margaret appeared in Leo’s doorway, her lips set in a grim line. “Leo?” she said softly.

“Yeah.”

“I have Maggie on the line. She’s asking for you.”

Leo nodded, depressing the red flashing light and motioning to Margaret to close the door. “Maggie.”

“Is this is a bad time?”

“No worse than any other. What can I do for you?” It couldn’t be good news he concluded, not if she was phoning him.

Maggie twirled her pen between her fingers. “I have the results of your test. If they were borderline I’d recommend another test but. . . There are some abnormalities.”

Okay, he thought, abnormalities, at least she wasn’t telling him he was infertile. “What does that mean?”

“I’d like you to see an urologist, let him do some follow up tests.” She didn’t hold out much hope. “Do you want my honest opinion?”

“Yeah, I like it straight.”

“I’m not even going there, not under the circumstances,” she grinned.

He was a great guy and she hated having to give him bad news. “You have a low sperm count, probably a result of the drink and drugs. . . That in itself isn’t a total washout but with the abnormalities, I think natural conception is not going to be an option.”

“Thank you.”

“I’m really sorry, Leo. I know how much you guys want a baby.” She threw her pen in the air and watched as it crashed to the floor. “I’ve made an appointment for you with the urologist for Friday afternoon at three. He might be able to help but. . .”

“You don’t hold out much hope.”

“No.”

“Okay, but we have options, right?” They had to have options.

“We can talk about that once you’ve seen the urologist,” Maggie explained, not wanting to give him more bad news in one day.

They said their goodbyes and Leo removed his glasses, rubbing his nose between his thumb and forefinger. “Margaret?”

The door opened and she stepped silently into the room. “Yes, Leo?”

“I’m going to be out of the office on Friday between two and four, can you block off the schedule?”

She bobbed and then ducked her head, studying his face for signs that something was wrong. He looked pensive, well more pensive than normal and she hovered.

“I’m fine, Margaret,” he said with a touch of irritation. His voice softened. “I need to have a few tests, that’s all.”

“On Friday?”

“Yeah, so don’t worry.” He grinned up at her. “But can we keep this between ourselves?”

Margaret rolled her eyes. She had been working for him for long enough to know how to keep a secret, confidentiality was her strong suit. And that applied to Carol too. “Of course.” She disappeared back into her office.

******

Leo had spent a nervous two weeks waiting for his results only to be told there was little chance of him fathering a child again.

After the initial shock had worn off, he‘d finally sat down with Carol and told her the truth. There had been tears, hers and his. The bubbly, outgoing woman he’d married had finally vanished, leaving behind a shell.

For his part, Leo wasn’t sure what was harder, the guilt of preventing her having the one thing that she wanted the most, or watching his wife mourn the child they’d never have.

They told no one, by mutual consent, instead finding solace in each other.

******

“I picked up some leaflets today,” Carol announced as he walked into the sitting room. “From the clinic.”

Leo dropped his briefcase on the floor and moved towards his wife. The kiss was tender as she entwined her fingers with his. “Leaflets?”

Carol nibbled her bottom lip. “Our options.”

“Okay.” He dropped to the couch and picked up a leaflet, scanning the title.

“I found that one by mistake,” she mumbled, taking it from his fingers and tossing it back onto the coffee table. IVF using his sperm was out of the question. “There are other things we can try.”

“Oh?” He had to admit that he hadn’t really looked too deeply into their options. Work had kept him busy, but Carol had both the time and the need to do research. As far as he was concerned, once they had adjusted to the situation they’d try IVF. Whether they used his sperm or someone else’s didn’t matter. It would still be their child.

“Donor sperm,” she suggested quickly. “IVF, Surrogacy, adoption. . . It would still be our baby.”

“Make an appointment.” He would read her pamphlets later but right then he wanted a long bath and something to eat.

“I’m sorry, it’s probably been a long day for you.” She didn’t want to come across as obsessive, but the baby was important to her. It was important to him too, she knew, but it was different. Motherhood had always been something she’d anticipated as inevitable for her.

“I’ll grab a shower and we can talk,” he offered, squeezing her hand and rising to his feet.

“Want some company?” she asked huskily, tossing her hair over her shoulder. “I could scrub your back. . .”

He blinked and gazed down at her. For the first time in weeks she was flirting with him, her eyes large and adoring. “Carol?”

“Or we could make love, then take a shower.”

Pulling her to her feet, he moved a hand to her head, tangling his fingers in her hair. Lightly, he covered her mouth with his own.

Her arms wrapped around his neck and she deepened the kiss, allowing her tongue to dart between his lips and explore the crevices of his mouth. This was how it had been, Leo thought, normality before the whole infertility took over their lives. She didn’t blame him, she loved him. Carol slid her hands from his neck and pushed at his jacket. “Take me to bed.”

Leo grinned as he took her hand and lead her silently towards the bedroom, pausing intermittently to kiss her passionately.

******

As it turned out, IVF wasn’t an option. Maggie had recommended a private clinic, liasing with the director on their case. He’d taken a few weeks to come back to her, checking with his associates and with national guidelines. His answer was no. Sixty was the upper age limit and Leo was already over that age. He wouldn’t make an exception, even if they used donor sperm.

Carol had been inconsolable to the point she couldn’t look at the triplets and didn’t want to spend Christmas celebrating with the family.

Leo had whisked her off to Hawaii for the holidays, watching as she literally fell apart before his eyes. Upon their return she had thrown herself into work and for a few months, Leo had avoided the topic of children altogether. It was then that he had broached the subject of adoption and had Margaret check out attorneys who dealt with private adoptions.

Margaret, was the only other person, well, Leo guessed Toby might know, that knew about their fertility problems and offered herself to Carol as a friend. It was a relationship that Leo was more than a little relieved she had.

Jed and Abbey were blissfully unaware of the situation and each time Jed teased Leo about time running out, Leo had smiled and changed the subject. In truth it was tearing him apart. At least, he discovered, that their marriage was solid, despite the overwhelming problems.

Daniel Abraham came highly recommended and Margaret had managed to put Leo in touch with another of his clients, how he wasn’t sure considering the confidentiality clause, but then with Margaret anything was possible.

They were sitting in his office, answering his questions and waiting for him to tell them it was a waste of time.

“I have a few more questions.”

“Okay,” Carol mumbled, reaching for Leo’s hand and gripping it firmly.

“How long have you been married?”

“Three years come December,” Carol offered. “Is that a problem?”

Daniel made a note on his pad. “It can be. Generally we require three years when we start the process, but it will take a while anyway so we’ll start the ball rolling.” He gave her a reassuring smile. “And Leo, you’ve been married before?”

Leo nodded.

“Fine. And for the record I need your ages.”

“I’m thirty-six.”

“I’m sixty-four,” Leo replied quietly. “But the age thing isn’t relevant to us.”

“Most agencies and parents put 40 as the upper age limit. The rationale behind this rule is that one of the most trying times in the life of an adopted child can often be its teen years, when it will be struggling with its own identity. The child will need the help of healthy, involved and active parents, who will still have enough energy left to accommodate the physical and emotional needs of the child. The younger the parents the more active they will be. Can I ask about your medical history?”

Carol shook her head. “I’m fine. Leo?”

He shrugged, “There’s nothing wrong with me. I cycle, I walk, and I eat right.”

The attorney cleared his throat and looked directly at Leo. “Now we come to the major concern. Your history. Obviously it’s common knowledge that you’ve had a drug problem.”

“That was a long time ago,” Carol interrupted.

“Yes, but it can be an indicator for future abuse.”

Leo shook his head. He didn’t want to be the reason Carol never became a mother. “I was an abuser and an alcoholic but I haven’t touched drugs or drink in fourteen years, I’m not going to now. You can take a test if you need to.”

“I believe you. It might just put the birth mother off. What sort of support structure do you have?”

Carol broke out into a smile. “We’re well covered in that department. Leo has a grown up daughter, who wants to be an active part of her sibling’s life. Our friends all live locally and we spend a great deal of time together. A friend of ours has triplets so there’s no end of advice. And we have a doctor in the family.”

“Right, then. There are some things I should point out to you both,” Daniel started. “It may take months to find you a child. And I need you to be prepared for the mother to pull out. It happens. There are also the fees.”

“There is no problem with money,” Leo declared.

“Good. Is there anything you’d like to ask?”

Leo stole a glance at his wife. “You said it may take a while. How long?”

“It could be a few months, a year, longer. I’d need to find a mother who’s considering adoption and make sure she would be willing to give up her baby to you.” Daniel leaned back in his chair. “No names, of course, just relevant details.”

“And you’ll phone, if. . .”

“Yes. As soon as I have something, I’ll be in touch. Thank you for coming in.“ He shook them both by the hand and watched them leave.

“Mrs. McGarry? It’s Daniel Abraham.”

“Hey.”

This was the part he loved the most, giving good news to people who really deserved happiness. “Your son was born at 5:07 this morning.”

Carol held the phone to her ear, barely comprehending what her attorney was saying. “Our son?”

“Yes. He’s two weeks premature and will need to stay in for a while but he’s all yours. The parental release papers were signed this morning.” He paused and smiled. It was common to receive stunned silence. “Look, tell your husband and give me a call later, we can sign your paperwork later, okay?”

“Yeah, thank you.” Carol dropped the phone to its cradle and set off for Leo’s office. She waved at Margaret and opened the door, stopping short when she saw the President. “I’m sorry.”

“Carol,” Jed greeted her, rising to his feet.

“Honey, what’s wrong?” Leo asked, moving to touch her arm. She looked flushed and her whole body was shaking.

Carol looked between the two men. “We have a son.”

Jed broke out into a broad smile at the news and the sight of Leo’s paling complexion.

Leo released Carol’s arm and dropped into the visitor’s chair. He had a son, they were parents at last. “A Son?”

“Yeah, Daniel phoned.” She couldn’t stop smiling - that and crying, except for once her tears were happy tears. “He was born this morning.”

“Our son?”

“Congratulations, Leo,” Jed said, patting his shoulder and grinning. “Can I go tell Abbey?”

Carol grinned, “Yeah, but we’d like to tell the others.”

“You should go,” Jed prompted. “Go see your baby.”

“CJ, I need to leave at three,” Carol announced, her face lit up by her smile.

“Really?” CJ asked, grinning. “And why’s that?”

Carol waved her hands unconsciously through the air. “We’re picking Ben up today.”

CJ had known that. Everyone in the West Wing knew that it was the big day. “And you’re taking a few days off?”

“Yup, until New Years.”

It wasn’t the most practical solution to the problem but the attorney had agreed that it was a viable option. Ben would accompany Carol to work for the last nineteen days of the Administration. After that Carol would be a stay-at-home mom.

“I have something for you,” CJ said, grinning. She walked around her desk and lifted a large bag from the floor. “I didn’t know what to get you but. . .”

Carol opened the bag and lifted the bundle of material out. “CJ, it’s beautiful.”

The comforter was hand quilted, the tiny squares filled with letters and animal shapes.

“You have everything else, I thought you and Ben could curl up under it on cold nights.”

“Thank you.” Carol gave her a quick hug and carried the quilt to her desk. She still couldn’t believe how kind everyone had been when they had found out about the baby.

*~*~*~*

Toby hovered in the door way between his wife’s office and Leo’s. Margaret had been on him for days about talking to Leo, well that, and what he was going to do when the Administration ended in January. Margaret had some concerns about how the hell they were going to feed three children when he was unemployed.

Leo was leaning over his desk, feeding sheets of paper through the shredder. It seemed to be a regular feature of their days now. The constant filing, shredding and packing of documents, along with packing up their offices.

Josh’s latest conquest was refusing to sleep at his apartment any longer, complaining about the smell of cardboard and the stacked boxes in every room. Donna was just upset about Josh having yet another conquest. Toby had watched her a few days ago as she sealed almost empty boxes with a flourish. He wondered if Josh would ever wise up.

Toby sighed and rapped on the open door.

“Yeah.”

“Leo, do you have a moment?” Toby asked, rubbing his fingertips together and shuffling.

Leo stopped shredding and leaned back in his chair. “What can I do for you?”

“Margaret. . .um, said something,” Toby mumbled.

“Ah, Margaret? She’s worried about me?”

Toby rubbed his right temple and wondered not for the first time why him.

“I thought she’d gotten over that when she married you,” Leo commented, accompanying it with a sly grin. “I would have thought four kids was enough for anyone.”

Toby took a deep breath and let it out again. “You’re starting to bother me.”

“Only starting, I’m running out of time. I’ll try harder.” Leo’s grin widened. “So what do you want to talk about?”

“Being a father is nothing like I imagined it to be. You have responsibility for them and a responsibility to teach them. I was forty-four when we had the triplets. I was petrified.” He dropped his gaze to the carpet, frightened of how emotional he was starting to sound. “I don’t know what it’s like to be a father at sixty something, but I think I have some insight to how you’re feeling.”

“So you’ve gone from marriage counsellor to shrink?” Leo joked, a little surprised by the changing dynamic in their relationship.

“It doesn’t matter whether you’re still around when they’re twenty-one, all that matters is what you give them now,” he continued ignoring Leo. If he stopped now that would be it. “I’m not perfect, and I might add that’s the one and only time you’ll hear that from me, but perfection’s not what they need. Sarah, Anna and Jake know that Margaret and I love them, that we’re committed to taking care of them and that is enough. Stop beating yourself up, Leo. You made mistakes in the past. Mallory doesn’t love you any less for them. She’s a good kid and that’s due in large part to you.”

Embarrassed, Leo shuffled the papers in his hand. “Yeah, well. . .”

“You and Carol have wanted this baby for so long, it’s time to enjoy it a little.” Toby turned on his heel and moved towards the door.

“Thank you,” Leo belatedly called after him.

Toby glanced back over his shoulder, his hands in his pockets. “Yeah, well. Margaret worries.” He glanced down at his shoes and back up at Leo, his eyes dark and intense. “Know this. If anything happened to you, I’d be there for them both.” He nodded and disappeared through the door.

Leo stared after him, a little surprised and a little awed. After everything he had said to and about Toby when Margaret became pregnant, here was Toby offering to take care of his family. Leo smiled and shook his head.

“You need to get going,” Margaret announced appearing in the doorway.

“Yeah, thanks,” he managed to mumble, grabbing his jacket and following her out of the office. “And Margaret?”

She met his gaze, holding off on the phone call she was about to make by pushing down on the disconnect button.

“Tell Toby, thanks.”

Margaret gave him a small smile and bobbed her head, resuming her call to Leo‘s driver.

*~*~*~*

The nurses at the desk gave Carol warm smiles as she headed towards the nursery. She had been coming every morning and every night to visit Ben. She may not have given birth to him, or been able to breast feed, but in the last month she had bonded with the tiny infant.

Leo watched as his wife entered the nursery and leaned over their son’s crib. His smile widened as the infant opened his eyes and seemed to look straight up at Carol. This was, he concluded, what life was all about, tiny moments that made the tragedies pale into insignificance. It terrified him, being a father again, but he would never begrudge her the simple pleasure of holding a child and knowing that the child would love you unconditionally.

“You’re here again, Mr. McGarry?” the tall blonde nurse asked. She had been witness to many of his nocturnal visits.

“We’ve come to pick him up.” He couldn’t help but beam with pride.

“He’s a beautiful baby, you and your wife are very lucky.” She paused and glanced at Carol lifting Ben from his blankets. “But then, I guess you already know that.”

He knew that alright. For the last two weeks he had been leaving work and stopping off at the hospital on his way home. Each night he hovered outside the window, staring at his sleeping son, before going home and climbing into bed with Carol.

Carol appeared in the corridor, Ben nestled to her chest, his tiny fingers gripping her sleek black hair. “And this is your daddy,” she whispered, locking eyes with Leo.

“I love you,” he simply said, his stomach bubbling with love, his words not nearly enough to express how much in that moment. “Both of you.”

“Let’s go home.”

With one hand on her back and the other lightly stroking Ben’s dangling leg, Leo led them down the corridor and into the elevator.

Once at the car, Carol gently lay their son into his carseat and settled herself beside him.

Leo looked in the rear view mirror and smiled. It had all been worth it, the months of heartache and failure, just to see her with a baby.

*~*~*~*

“Carol?” Leo called softly, wandering into the nursery and leaning against the door frame. “Is everything alright with Ben?”

Carol, sitting in the rocking chair, nodded mutely. “He’s still asleep.”

“Okay.” He crossed the room and gazed down at his son, the dark tufts of hair sticking up. “Couldn’t you sleep?”

“I was sick.”

“Can I get you anything?” He rearranged the blankets in the crib and moved to place a hand on his wife’s back. “Some dry toast? Lemonade?”

Carol lifted her hands from her lap to reveal the tiny white stick.

Leo’s eyes dropped to her lap and then up to her face. “Sweetheart?”

“It’s positive.”

“What?” Leo leaned in to take a closer look at the stick. There were two very clear blue lines in the window. “Oh?”

“Yeah.” She was pregnant. After years of trying and finally being told there was little chance of conceiving, they had done the impossible. She glanced at Ben and back at Leo. “We’re gonna have a baby, another one.”

Carol sighed. They would have to discuss it later - the implications for Ben’s adoption and how they were going to manage with two children less than a year part - but, for now she would just worry about how to get an unconscious Leo off the floor.