Title: Do I Have To Say the Words?
Series: Abstinence Plus
Follows: When you Need Someone
Somewhere, Something Incredible
From Here to Eternity
Talk and Realizations
And the Walls Come Tumbling Down
A Moment of Insanity
Spoilers: Anything up to Manchester part 2
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: CJ and Jed aren't mine, I always put them back when I've finished.

Do I Have To Say The Words?

CJ knew she had made a major mistake. But that was four weeks ago and she was still being punished for it.

Sam had slept with a call girl and that had blown over in a matter of days. Leo had announced publicly he had spent time in rehab, for drug addiction no less, and Toby had made a major error in judgement over Ann Stark, but all of them seemed to forget their mistakes when she screwed up.

Of course they expected more of her, CJ was supposed to smooth things over and spin the story. It wasn't so much her friends' attitudes that hurt her, it was the President's. He had judged her and not even given her the opportunity to justify herself. Right now there was no one she could turn to, the boys already saw her as weak, and as much Abbey was a friend she was also his wife and just as pissed. That pretty much left CJ to deal with everything alone.

***********************************
The announcement had changed the Press Room for CJ. She no longer felt in control and every time she answered a question they practically accused her of lying. Everything had become about her and the President. His every decision and action were now all being re-examined and in so doing the Press had made CJ into the story.

Naturally the lack of sleep wasn't helping and his sudden absence from her life was adding to the strain.

More and more CJ had found herself refusing to answer their questions and running from the room. It was only her professionalism and integrity that prevented her putting Henry or Simon up there. They didn't deserve to have to go through the constant admonishment and she was in a better position than any of them to defend the President's actions, to make it clear whatever was wrong with him he was still capable of leading the country.

*************************************
Jed sat in his office reading on the night of the announcement. He had been so certain that afternoon about what he was going to do. Walking away would have made Abbey happy and given him back his life. But Delores had reminded him why he had wanted to do this in the first place and of the things he had left to achieve.

Jed Bartlet wasn't a quitter, he had to complete what he set out to do and that meant defending his actions. Somewhere in his thoughts was also the knowledge that by standing for re-election he would still have CJ in his life. At least he hoped she'd stick around. It briefly crossed his mind that she might still quit and he would not be able to convince her to stay.

The last few hours had been a little crazy. The press had gone mad after his Press conference and CJ had practically bundled him out of the State Department before he said anything else. And now his wife was pissed at him. In the movies, when you
fell out with your wife you went to your lover, except in real life his lover was just as mad, possibly madder, if that was possible. The two of them both upset about an issue was intimidating, when it was aimed directly at him it was a deadly combination.
At least Abbey wasn't in one of her all out shouting moods, calm arguing he could handle even if there wasn't a solution.

Jed looked up to find the three of his strongest supporters standing over him, no CJ, which meant she was still trying to calm the press down. Joking with them was his defense mechanism against having to explain his change of heart.

Their demeanor was enough to convince him he was doing the right thing but Leo's entrance changed that. Somewhere deep in his stomach fear set in, now was not the best time for him to have to handle an emergency and he was going to need to focus.

**************************************************
It was the strain of the week's events and not enough sleep that got to CJ in the end. The Press had been more demanding, sandbagging her at every opportunity until she couldn't remember what they were asking about. No one seemed able to distinguish events in Haiti from the "Announcement."

She tried to make it clear that his health wasn't a concern and they didn't believe her. Not that she blamed them, hell she wasn't sure if she believed it herself. It wasn't as if she had access to the President to confirm it, no one had except for Leo and he was no
more than a courier.

Each Press Briefing was marginally worse than the one before and then CJ made the all important slip, "The President is relieved to focus on something that matters." Normally she would have been able to fix it, to reword or to make light of her comment. Something stopped her.

She found herself transported back to her gawky teenage days when everyone made fun of her because she was not one of the "in crowd," and then the panic set in. All those people were staring at her, calling her name, asking questions and she had to run, get out of there before she lost her composure all together.

Even before she walked out of the room she knew the boys were waiting, that they would have seen it and she couldn't face them. CJ returned to two emotions when she lost control, anger and tears. This time she was angry, more at herself than anyone else, and the hitting the wall seemed to relieve some of that. Her hand had hurt for days from the close contact but the pain gave her something else to wallow about and then there was the ringing in her ears from Leo's yelling.

Only in the quiet of her apartment was she able to put aside the anger and allow the tears to flourish.

**************************************************
Jed had spent the first week after the announcement feeling daunted for the first time in his life. Abbey was mad, CJ was somewhere out on a limb, people were watching him like a hawk and Haiti was only getting worse with discussions about the use
of force and invasions. His advisors were concerned with talk about an invasion being seen as politically motivated to draw attention away from MS. It was all crap, the usual crap but crap all the same.

Then Leo had appeared in his office one morning, all fired up, to tell him about CJ's little mistake and if life wasn't hard enough already he had to deal with that too. As much as Leo was mad at CJ, and Jed had to admit he was too, one of them was going to crack under the strain and unconsciously maybe CJ was the only one who stood any chance of fighting back. He loved her strength of character, among other things, but deep down he knew it would be a long time before he could offer her the support she needed.

After what seem like longer than normal days Jed longed to go home and share his problems with someone. Unfortunately there was Abbey waiting for him, or as was growing more common nobody. The fight over his decision, or rather the lack of discussion, was continuing, and for the first time in thirty plus years of marriage he seemed unable to rectify the situation.

There had been nights when Jed had pondered whether to sleep in another room especially when they were barely being civil to each other. It was only when she raised the subject of CJ that he chose to walk away. As far as he was concerned her suggestions about CJ were out of line. Well actually they weren't but he didn't want to talk about that, not with Leo, and especially not with his wife. Instead he delegated to Leo, good old reliable Leo, who was probably the only person in his life who he could talk to through everything.

Leo did what Abbey suggested and asked Nancy to brief which only made Jed avoid CJ even more. The one thing he realized about CJ early on was that her press room was her baby, taking that away from her would give her no reason to stay, and he was
glad he didn't have to be the one to tell her.

*******************************************************************
Three weeks later they are in New Hampshire, about to announce the President's candidacy for the next election. The last four weeks had been difficult for CJ on so many levels.

The first was the way Leo kept yelling at her for her slip up in the Press Room. Eventually it seemed that everything that went wrong he blamed on her. Worse than that was his coldness when she told him she was going to resign. He didn't even try and talk her out of it, merely nodded and said whatever she thought was best.

It did seem like the best thing to do. CJ had lost the reporters' respect and Leo's for that matter. The news cycle was wearing her down, which even during "Post Rosslyn" had never happened and it looked set to continue for months to come.

The time had also come to put her personal feelings to one side and move on. Whatever there had been between her and the President had disappeared, at least on his part. Her feelings had not diminished, if anything she missed him more now than in the first few weeks. By resigning she could find a job where she would have less of a public face and rebuild her confidence in private.

Then there were the boys, rallying to her defense and treating her like an emotional cripple, the only bonus side was that on the nights they got her drunk, she hadn't paid for a single drink. Handy when she had a firm of lawyers to pay for. The lawyers she treated like her reporters, telling them as much as she felt necessary then going home and blotting them out. Her friendship with Abbey was all but over, since her mistake CJ has avoided her and it seemed Abbey didn't want to talk to her either.

As for the President. CJ wasn't sure whether he knew about her resignation, but he definitely knew what happened that day in the Press Room. The empty office at the end of the day is enough to tell her how he reacted. So now she can add his anger and
disappointment to the list of things she has to toss and turn over in the middle of the night. The campaign itself is not going well and the numbers don't seem to want to rise.

Recently CJ had been saddled with Bruno's team. The friction in the few meetings Leo had asked her to attend had been noticeable and Toby's ranting late at night were enough to make her wish for a quieter life. Of course it all went to persuade her that leaving was the right thing to do.

On their first night in New Hampshire they all enjoyed the downtime, at least for her it was downtime. Tomorrow she had to talk to Abbey, to work on the site and rally the boys. She doesn't remember when rally the troops became part of the job description but apparently she's very good at it.

CJ had been enjoying a chat with Sam, well of sorts, he was writing and she was trying to build up hope with the help of a pamphlet and more than one glass of wine. Whatever, she almost forgot that in a few days she would walk away from this life. And then Toby had asked her to play pool.

After all these years he still couldn't remember how useless she was, darts yes, pool no. Of course while he was standing there she realized what his silent glances were all about and couldn't be sure who she was most angry at. Leo for squealing, Toby for
having the gall to call her on it or the President for putting her in the position in the first place.

Half heartedly she threw the ball at the pocket and admitted strategically that was the best thing to do. Of course being Toby he knew what she meant but he wouldn't challenge her now, instead waiting and trying again later. Sighing CJ had left him standing by the table while she went off to get fall down drunk.

******************************************************************

Jed rose early on the Saturday morning and escaped the house to drive down to the bottom of the property. He wanted to be alone and smoke in the peace. He also wanted to get his thoughts in order before Abbey arrived.

Their fighting had become more and more draining as the weeks had gone by. The fact that he could no longer talk to CJ about the things that disturbed him was only making it worse. Now that he was back in Manchester he realized how much he missed the farm. It's his home and his own private domain, the estate has always been somewhere he could think and get time alone. In the White House there were always a constant stream of people demanding his time.

As he tried to gather his thoughts before facing yet another argument with Abbey, Leo arrived. He wasn't really listening to Leo, any other time and the new drug and the FDA announcement would be a subject he would willingly debate for hours but here
and now it mattered very little. Jed headed off through the fields, with Leo on his heels, still chattering on.

"Screw it, it's game time," Jed snapped, wanting to end the conversation, and return to his solitary thoughts.

As Leo turned the conversation to Abbey and the girls, Jed's mind briefly returned to Abbey and how mad she still was. The obvious public concern of course is that they didn't arrive together and he doesn't envy the person who has to raise that with Abbey. Of course more likely than not it will be CJ.

"How's everyone doing?" Jed asked, meaning of course how is CJ.

"Fine."

Jed nods, that is the only answer he ever really expects from Leo.

"CJ?"

At Leo's silence he turned to look at him. The expression on his face was enough to suggest he suspected that the enquiry was more than professional. Or maybe the eleven years of friendship have made Jed that easy to read. The fact Leo appeared in his office two weeks ago and told him quietly that CJ wanted to resign was enough to confirm that.

Jed was ready then to let her walk. The mistake was amateurish but he knew CJ well enough to know how hard things had gotten for her, and that she was likely punishing herself plenty.

Briefly he had wondered if she slipped away, whether she could avoid some of the crap that would follow with the impeachment hearings. Now he wasn't going to let her go anywhere. If the weeks of forced absence were anything to go by he wanted her to be a part of his life, if only to watch over her.

Leo shot him a look in warning.

Jed nodded and turned back to gaze out at his farm, "I'm running and I'm going to win," he said confidently. Now all he had to do was convince himself, and Abbey, his staff, the party….

*********************************************************************
CJ loved her job, most of the time that was, except when she was left to do things like this. Abbey's delay in arriving, which was the nice way of putting it, had created a problem for the campaign staff.

According to Leo, Abbey had been less than warm at the prospect of coming to New Hampshire and supporting her husband's Presidential bid. Bruno and Leo had delegated the matter to CJ, she suspected because she was a woman and Abbey's friend, or should that be ex friend.

Stepping out of the car and crossing to where Abbey stood, CJ prepared herself for the inevitable conversation. It seemed to be going well, Abbey was cordial, even going so far as to offer her cider. The hike actually sounded like fun, but under the circumstances CJ didn't consider it appropriate and the last thing she really wanted was a grilling about her love life. It was as the conversation turned to the press op that things got out of hand.

CJ became more and more uncomfortable and Abbey was getting pissed. Normally CJ was a witness, being on the receiving end she now knew why Jed always backed down first. The dismissal was abrupt and CJ drove away wondering just how many other people she could piss off.

When CJ got back to the hotel everyone else had disappeared. She was on the verge of going back to her room when she met Leo coming down the stairs.

He practically ignored her and she had to turn to catch up with him. Leo was probably more pissed at her than anyone, the President included. He was also the only person other than her who would have the guts to talk to Abbey, the chances of him getting yelled out was slightly slimmer.

His rebuke was to say that they don't talk about their marriages. Which doesn't help her. The obvious answer is to go back to Abbey with something constructive and hope she'll listen.

Sighing CJ brings up Toby and once again she and Leo end up fighting with Leo pulling rank and chiding her for being pissed at him about Haiti.

As much as she hates to admit it she is blaming him, it's easier to be mad at him than the President. As he walks off she heads back to the hotel to work on a solution to the Abbey dilemma.

On the night before the speech Jed and Leo took a ride over to the school. The President likes to walk the stage and get a feel of the place. When he walks there tomorrow he will be able to take the stage and make it his own.

Jed is somewhat surprised to find Abbey there and she must have realized that by his face. Her own face is blank and inscrutable. His thoughts immediately turned to CJ as Abbey announced she was going to be introducing him tomorrow.

He knows he will have to talk to CJ and redraw the line between what is public and private but that needs to wait until tomorrow. He certainly doesn't need to be told it was CJ's idea for Abbey to be involved. It makes sense and he knows the rest of the team will agree with it.

As they talk for the first time in weeks Jed reaches out to his wife, hoping that he can make things a tiny bit better between them. Abbey's idea of him reaching out to the staff isn't so far from what has been going through his own mind. Deep down he
misses them, this campaign is more lonely than the last as their friendship has been all but taken away from him.

At the mention of CJ's name he comes back to the present and he doesn't want to hear what she has to say. Letting Abbey go he turns his attention back to Leo and the speech he needs to lock down.

******

CJ was at the school when her cell phone rang. She wasn't surprised to hear Leo's voice, only to hear that the President wanted to see her immediately at the Farm.

Leo's voice didn't betray anything and after their discussion about her resignation CJ didn't really want to push it.

Sighing she left Toby in charge of the arrangements and climbed into the rental. The drive took twenty five minutes as she headed out of suburbia into the country lanes.

The first time she had been to the farm was four years ago. Toby had been driving and somehow they had managed to get lost three times before they found the drive and came across the imposing house.

The governor and his wife had met her on the porch, holding hands and smiling. Even then Abbey had dressed like a first lady, in smart brightly colored suits, her hair worn off her face. The boys were un-nerved by her, but to CJ she was a friend.

Their first conversation had been relaxed and more than a little intimate. And the Governor, well her first opinions about him were totally off base. He was rude, obnoxious and boring. In those first weeks she had also thought him scatty and folksy, wondering what the hell had got into Toby. But then as they got to know each other he became someone she found herself respecting and trusting.

It was only recently her personal feelings had developed for him and probably only because of the MS fiasco,
she had realized she loved him.

CJ's mistake under pressure had let them down and now as she pulled up outside the barn she decided it was time to go before she let him down anymore. She was going to miss them all. The President most of all, but she also knew that by keeping in touch with the others she would always be able to keep tabs on him.

CJ climbed out of the car and slipped her white jacket back on. Taking a deep breath she approached the barn.

The President was busy scribbling on the speech, no doubt making the notations and comments which made the speech his own.

Not waiting for him to notice her CJ called out to him.
"Mr President?"

"Come In."

"I was told you wanted to see me," she said flatly.

"Yeah, Don't be a marriage counselor. It pisses me off," he growled back.

"I'm sorry?" This wasn't what she was expecting.

"You know what I'm talking about."

"Sir?"

"That part of my life doesn't belong to you," he replied and she inwardly cringed. He had made it clear with those few words that she no longer had a place in his life.

"Sir, I was simply putting together what I thought was the best press event. The First Lady is an excellent speaker . . ." CJ started, and it was true. This was her job. Even if she would soon be moving on she wanted him to win and Abbey was still the key to all that.

"Alright, that's all. I'll see you out there." And with that, he had dismissed her.

CJ took a deep breath and took the opportunity to address the issue. "Sir, I think if you get a bump in the polls after today's speech, as we expect you will, I think it would be a good time for me to resign."

"Yeah," he said casually.

She nodded, "Well to leave earlier would have been strategically . . ."

"Yeah, okay."

"Look, the Press is . . . ." She needs to explain why, the last thing she wants is him to think she's leaving because of him. His lack of interest is hurting her in places that no one else can see.

"That's nonsense to me and I don't care."

"Well you might not care . . . "

"For all the jobs we've created there are single mothers working two of them at minimum wage. There are school districts where less than half the students graduate. And a kid born in Harlem is more likely to go to prison than a four year college . . . " His voice suddenly becomes more intense. "They are bringing guns to school, CJ."

This is the President she remembers. The passion, the need to put the world to rights. The man who she now knows she loves. Except he lost all rights to speak to her like that when he lied.

"Don't you dare lecture me, don't you dare do it."

They stare at each other, the realization of what she has just done all too apparent. She has never stepped over the line before, Josh and Toby yes, Leo always but her never. Then again things are different now. CJ turned away and then back.

"I was never supposed to win. I got in polling in the single digits. Hoynes had it locked up. I got in to give some speeches and keep him honest," he admits. "Then you guys come along and all of a sudden I get 22% in Iowa, and then South Carolina, then Michigan, then Illinois." He pauses and then simply says, "It was a mistake benching you for that last press conference."

This in itself is more than he has given her in weeks.

Neither turned when they heard someone approach.

"Excuse me. CJ, they need you," Charlie said, standing in the doorway.

CJ turned at the sound of Charlie's voice and hesitated before turning back to the President. CJ waited for his permission to leave, some acknowledgment of what the future holds.

"I need you too," he said softly, his eyes betraying everything where his words betrayed nothing.

Turning her head slightly CJ said, "Thank you Mr President."

As she drove back to the site she thought back to the conversation and the letter sitting in her briefcase. He said he needs her and she already knows she needs him, but CJ still isn't sure whether she is capable of drawing the distinction between being the Press Secretary and the friend she once was.

***************************************************************
Jed stood and watched her go. He needed her more than he was ready to admit, and maybe if he admitted to the others that he needed them too, things would get better.

Charlie returned and indicated it was time to go.

Groaning Jed went in search of Abbey. Once they were settled in the car he started an inane conversation. Everyone thinks it's just his way but really he just doesn't like silence and the idea of Abbey yelling wasn't all that appealing either.

When he told her he was happy she was introducing him he meant it, he had always liked her support and her quip about maybe voting for him was her way of trying to right things.

So maybe things were on the up, his wife was talking to him and CJ, well he had let her know how he felt. Now he needed to talk to the others, to apologize for what they are going through and to make it clear the time for sitting back is over.

********************************************************************

For the first time in weeks the staff were enjoying themselves, buoyed by the President's address to hundreds of people. He had invited them all back to the farm to celebrate with cider and leftovers. It had a mad night and it looked set to continue for sometime.

Ignoring those around her, CJ decided to venture outside, to escape the madness and to reflect. No one would have noticed her leaving and now she could think.

Something about the barn tells her this is somewhere he comes to be alone and she feels that bit closer to him here. His lectern stands in front of her and his words haunt her, "I need you."

"You shouldn't be out here alone," he says from his place at the doorway.

CJ turns to face him, "Mr President. I'm sorry. I came to get some air."

He is leaning against the frame watching her carefully. "Abbey sent me. Are you okay?"

Her laugh is hollow, "Not really no."

"But you aren't going to leave." His voice is practically begging. "CJ, I meant what I said, I need you."

"You really don't," she says lightly, "Simon and Henry are more than capable of handling the briefings."

His voice drops, "I didn't mean as Press Secretary."

"This isn't the appropriate place, Sir," she chides, glancing through the half open door.

He pulls it closed behind him.

"It never will be the appropriate time or place," he corrects, crossing the space between them. "Can we at least be friends, again?"

"Isn't it this administration's policy that friends are honest with each other?" she asks, turning away from him.

"I don't need this crap from you," he snorts. "I had indignation from Toby and the cold shoulder from Abbey."

"What do you need from me?" CJ questions as she starts to pace the room, ever watchful for snakes.

"Sometimes more than you can ever give me," he admits sadly. There are times he needs her to hold her, but mostly he wants her forgiveness

CJ stops mid stride and looks at him, "But you'll never know if you don't ask."

"CJ." His voice is somewhere between exasperated and surprised. "I told the world I have MS, they now think I'm going to die, that I can't run the country, that I'm no longer the man they thought I was."

He stops and moves closer, "And I can see it in your eyes, you're torn between being angry I didn't tell you and fearful I'm going to break."

CJ doesn't say anything because what he says is true.

"A few months ago you let me touch you, kiss you, hell we've done everything but make love," he groans, "And now, it will never happen."

"Mr. President," CJ croaks.

"Tell me you don't see me as damaged goods," he barks.

"Jed," she says softly, and smiles when he raises his eyebrows in surprise. "If you will stop being the President for just a second I'll tell you what I think."

He nods and settles himself on the old cart.

CJ resumes her pacing, "I wish you had told me, trusted me enough to keep your secret but I also understand why you needed to have a part of your life for yourself." She stops and changes direction. "It was brave what you did, even if my life is hell right now," she smirks. "That aside you are still the man you always were. I still care about you, it's just I have more reason to worry about you. I hope I can always call you my friend."

"My friend?"

CJ sighs and shakes her head, "Do you think you can let me finish?"

He shuts up and stares at his feet.

"The few months we spent together--not together exactly but the times in my office, the residence were special. I will never regret being with you, but we can't go back there. The Press will be all over you now, and me for that matter. The Press will be waiting for another juicy story. I won't give them reason to bring you down. And I can't look Abbey in the face."

Jed cringes at the mention of his wife's name. He loves Abbey and has done for thirty five years but he has feelings for CJ, strong feelings that he still wants to explore. CJ, he realizes is trying to let him down gently.

"If you'd just let me leave, we could have pretended it never happened. I could have worried about you from a far, and you would have forgotten about me."

He was on his feet and behind her in seconds, "I don't want to forget. Hell CJ, do you realize how hard it's been the last few months, not being able to come to you?"

"Do you know how hard it was hearing it from Leo?" she asks as the tears began to fall. Quickly she tries to brush them away with the pads of her thumbs.

Jed twisted her until she was facing him and he could pull her to his chest. "I couldn't tell you myself. I didn't want to see the fear in your eyes," he admits against her hair. "And that's the only reason. I let my personal feelings guide me."

CJ let the tears fall unabridged, staining his cotton shirt. Jed held her tight, her head on his shoulder. As he took in her scent and the feel of her body against him, the familiar longing stirred in his loins.

It is only seconds later that Jed notices Leo in the doorway, his face neutral, as he sees what he only suspected before.

Jed waves a hand at him, dismissing him, silently promising at the same time to talk to him later. Now that he knows this is goodbye he wants to prolong the moment.

Leo's glare says much more than words ever will but he leaves closing the door behind him and no doubt placing an agent on guard.

"CJ?" Jed asks, holding CJ away once more. "May I kiss you one last time?"

Part of her is disappointed that he isn't going to fight her on this, the other part is relieved that things can get back to normal, whatever that is now. Saying goodbye is tearing her in two but CJ knows that this is what is best.

Her nod is barely noticeable but he cups her cheek with his hand and leans up. Gently he presses his lips to hers and the softness of her skin almost breaks his resolve.

For her everything is too much and she steps back. "We should get back," she says, sounding less than certain.

"Yes."

As she reaches the door, he calls out to her and she turns round.

"If you ever need to talk I'll be in my office."

Her smile says everything as she walks out of the barn and heads for her car, intent on finding a place to be alone.

The End

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