Title: A Moment of Insanity
Series: Abstinence Plus
Follows: When you Need Someone
Somewhere, Something Incredible
From Here to Eternity
Talk and Realisations
And the Walls Come Tumbling Down
Spoilers: Post Ep for Two Cathedrals
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: CJ and Jed aren’t mine, I always put them back when I’ve finished.
A Moment of Insanity
Here she was standing on a podium at the State Department fielding questions from dazed and hungry reporters, most of which had only one question they wanted to ask. It surprisingly saddened her to think that with what was going to happen they would not be her Press Corps for too much longer. She had just told them firmly that she could only handle fourteen or fifteen questions at once, and still they continued to call her name in earnest. Right now there were only two questions she needed to deal with, and both of those involved the man striding towards her.
“The President of the United States,” she announced, her voice not so confident as it had been at the Talk Radio Dinner last year.
At least the Press were standing, affording their President some of the respect he deserved, for that much she was grateful, the President angry would only encourage them in their endeavour to bring him down. He was wet, having no doubt ventured out into the tropical storm, and now they would all be worrying about him catching a cold.
In her sleepless nights she had read more about the disease than she would ever need, and now she knew what a catalyst a cold could be.
She waited until he walked passed her to remind him in a whisper, “Front row on your right.”
He didn’t even acknowledge her, then again this had been them for the last week and a half, her intent on being professional, him focused on the foundations of his world crumbling around him.
She could count the number of times they had been alone on one hand, and that would include the times he had spoken to her in a room.
She took a deep breath and waited for the madness to begin. Her heart skipped a beat at the sight of him before the vultures, knowing how much he had given up in going public. Even now with her anger at him, and her confusion, just a little of her thought him brave.
His whole Presidency had been about the office, and keeping the man separate, having a life he could hold dear. Then it hit her as he glanced at Lawrence, he wasn’t going to take the easy way out. She almost smiled as she realised he wasn’t going to give up, at least not without a fight. She could feel the whole room focused on him as he pointed out Sandy, then Josh’s gasp next to her as The President asked her to repeat the question.
The world was spinning around her as he put his hands in his pocket and turned to glance at her…
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On the morning after she found out she had arrived at Babish’s office at 5.30am. With no sleep she had been belligerent and more than a little pissed. It had taken her days to figure out the whole spectrum of emotions Leo’s words had invoked. She was saddened that a man with as bright a mind as him would be crushed, saddened that he hadn’t been able to come to her himself. Then there was the anger, that he had lied, of what she was about to face. Somewhere deep inside her there was a little admiration that he was ready to do this, fight a battle. Mostly she was in shock.
The hours she had spent with Babish had left her tired, drained and more than a little hostile. It was the same all around her, Josh, Toby and later, much later Sam. Babish, himself looked like he’d gone three rounds with Ali, hardly surprising seeing as he’d probably been interrogating the President for days. If he struck the same tone he used on her with the occupier of the Oval office it was bound to have been feisty. More than anything she needed to see the President, to assess whether they actually had a professional relationship left, but no instead she was belittled by a lawyer and he was with Abbey, not that she imagined that was going to be all that much of a fun experience for him.
Of course looking back on those hours she acknowledges she lied to Babish; she does speak to the President in code. Since the campaign and by the very nature of their working relationship it has become second nature. They all talk in code; ‘The Thing,’ ‘the situation,’ ‘Leo has a friend from home.’ It saves time, it brought them closer and now they do it out of necessity. As for talking to the President, it’s entirely possible she talks in code, but not about the things Babish would expect her to.
It has also sunk in that she will spend the next few months lying, not that it matters because their relationship, as far as it went is all but over. It is the one secret she would not and could not betray; the people that want to bring him down will do so without her help.
Babish gave her some relief, bitching at him and getting smart felt good, there was no one else. It also made everything so clear. Everything he had thrown at her she had considered in the few hours Leo had allowed her to think--The possibility the President had committed multiple counts of a federal crime and she was an accomplish.
She didn’t need Babish to spell out how bad it was for her, or that she’d lied about his health since the day she took the job. Whether he committed a fraud, well that wasn’t down to her to decide, and now the numerous lawyers he wanted her to hire would help her protect herself. That was something else she wanted to postpone but he had been insistent, so the day after the announcement she would once again be interrogated, and this time pay for the privilege.
The worst thing that day was the conversation with Abbey, her friend, and so many times before her confidant, which left them both in tears but holding back on so many of the things they needed to discuss. It was hard listening to her, the undercurrent being that she realised CJ’s job could be on the line and yet she could do nothing to help her. Even more so the fact she wanted to be there to tell her and CJ had felt guilty for the sacrifice. Two women from different backgrounds, their love for one man in common, and both heading for the guillotine, as she found out later.
They had this conversation about need and should and maintaining deniability. But the words now have hidden meaning for CJ. She should maintain her professionalism, the Press Secretary who can handle anything. She should keep her distance from him, she shouldn’t harbour feelings for him. But, and it’s a big but, that pales into insignificance to the things she needs. She needs him to walk into her office and tell her how he feels, his reasons for avoiding her. She needs to see him, to touch him, for things to be as they were before. She shouldn’t have let any of this happen but she did. Now she has to face her turmoil alone.
She always asks is there anything else I need to know, whether it’s to maintain deniability or not, hell if she knows. Maybe a part of her agrees with his attitude that not all of him belongs to the world. She’s a part of that, his secret world. Would she want it to come out, no.
She remembers an incident from the campaign, all jumbled up with everything else from the campaign. Toby and her getting drunk four nights in a row when his divorce papers arrived, Josh mourning his father, more alcohol, and of course Sam and his broken engagement. The only two people on the campaign who had no troubles were Leo and her and look at them now. The reality is they are the ones who will take the fall, scapegoats, her father calls them.
There was a night on the campaign in Manhattan, Kansas, the more she thinks about it the more details she can remember. They had all become close by then, it was before they thought they would win, when she’d wake up every morning not really sure who would be in the bed opposite, and now she doesn’t know what she would do without any of them. And so it was that they’d wander in and out of rooms, the President’s suite included. And that evening she had seen it, but it hadn’t registered or maybe she didn’t want to see it, but Abbey had been injecting her husband. Now she knows it was betaseron, that Abbey has been risking her career to take care of her husband and likewise CJ may have jeopardised hers by not questioning this sooner.
She thinks that was the night the realisation about her future really set in. She’d only asked questions she wanted to know, she knew things and didn’t ask about them. They were all going to be facing hearings and juries as it all became public. More than anything life would never be the same again. She was going to lose her job, going in disgrace. Any future relationships would be because of this, men wanting to date the infamous CJ Cregg, and anything she did in the future would be tied to this, the endless question as to what did she know and conceal. Of course the chat shows would love the truth, that she was mistress to the President, they had an affair; that’s what books are made of and tabloids would pay her bills for the rest of her life. And she would lose her friends. CJ knows that is the secret she will protect, the other will bring her enough hassle in her life.
Josh still doesn’t get the bigger picture, it isn’t the outcome that will destroy them, it’s the months in between as everyone rips them to shreds. She managed to panic him with the "you" comment, and left him wondering if she thinking of leaving, the answer is of course yes, but her reasons are so much more than she can tell him. Josh is relying on polls and numbers and predictions, Toby is running on instinct and Leo is trying as ever to cover his best friend. And she’s not even sure where she fits in anymore.
That was the last night she remembers sleeping.
Then there were all these meetings in the basement, leaving work piled on the desk while she slipped away to meet the others.
Carol obviously thought she had a lover, raising her eyebrows when CJ mentioned meetings and lunch, and being vague about where she was going. Now that Carol knows the truth she is protective, which makes CJ wonder if telling Carol the truth about why she doesn’t sleep, why food goes uneaten would be such a bad thing.
There were of course meetings in the middle of the night, which only made them feel more guilty and more jittery.
Everyone else is worried about numbers, and the President is panicked about Kenny being there and CJ is worrying about the President. They need to worry about more important things, the greater picture and maybe in the pointed looks he gives her Leo accepts that too. She hates the fact she can’t go to the President when it’s all going around him. He and Abbey are having problems so he’s alone and tired.
When Haiti broke out she was seconds from going to his office, from trying to be the ear he needs but something stopped her. And now it’s her job to spin the story but they are fighting her on that, all wanting a piece of it but eventually they have to give it to her. This is what CJ needs to do, focus on work not on her feelings for him, take him from the office and make him a man for the country to see. Eventually they follow her strategy--A live broadcast and a press conference--and she has a reason for being near him and watching him. But this is where she excels, where she’s top of her game.
Then when he lost Delores she wanted to go to him, help him through it.
Which is how she found herself in his office.
Leo was occupied elsewhere, his guard slipping for just a second and Charlie waved her in.
The President looked small and overwhelmed as he sat behind the desk, glasses on his nose, reading something he doesn’t want to care about.
CJ stood before his desk, her fingers turning white as she squeezed the folder in her hands but still he didn’t look up.
“What do you need?” he asks, tired.
For a second she lets her personal feelings overwhelm her good sense.
“How are you?”
He glances up briefly, the emptiness evident in his eyes, before he turns back to his papers.
Her heart is beating faster and she knows it’s time to leave before she says too much. “I brought you the final schedule, I attached the notes to the back, Mr President.” Her words rush out of her and she takes that all important step back.
His eyes light at her words and he mutters a thank you, but in the minute she has been in the room her name has been absence from his voice.
“You may go,” he says softly and she crosses the room.
When she turns briefly he is watching her, his shoulders slumped, his eyes somewhere else.
“I’m sorry about Mrs Landingham,” she says quietly, and it sounds so little. “We all liked her.”
His nod is barely perceptible and she hurries from the room, leaving him with his thoughts.
That was the longest they have been alone, the closest they have come to anything personal and somewhere there is comfort in the fact that neither can face the truth.
As much as she loves her work she knows every time she steps up to the podium she is holding out on them. For them she is as before, except she isn’t as her briefings are flat and emotionless. This is how she feels inside, emotionless.
That was yesterday and it seems a lifetime away.
Today has been strangely normal.
Getting up this morning she had almost forgotten the funeral, the announcement, until she had seen the dark blue suit hung over the bedroom door. Then her world had been in limbo, so much to deal with, pacifying Josh about tobacco without breaking his spirit, trying to be the one they could all rely on. Everyone liked to think she was infallible. That she could deal with anything and move on. They had all been looking at her for reassurance and no one seemed to realise that maybe she needed reassurance.
Standing in the corridor her words had echoed hollow in her ears, “we’re get the Democrats back.” Of course the irony was that it wasn’t the democrats he needed back it was his staff. Toby was angry, Sam deflated, Josh had long since been working on autopilot, and her, well that was simple. The man she loved was sick, not only was he married to her best friend but now there was this to contend with.
And he was still avoiding her. He was avoiding all of them, but everyone seemed to notice that she was missing him the most.
Damn Josh. When she had told him she hadn’t seen him all day, it was a lie, he had passed her in the hallway, talking to Leo about the funeral and Leo’s meetings.
It was no secret that the President and Abbey were having marriage problems, it had become all the more apparent as CJ had sat them down for the announcement and the air had been decidedly cool. At least Abbey seemed to look her in the eyes.
Then there was the funeral. Abbey by his side while CJ suddenly became mother earth for the assistants. Mrs Landingham was someone you respected and didn’t cross, she wasn’t a friend but it didn’t make the loss any easier.
In the prep sessions after the funeral the President had been quiet and detached, she couldn’t imagine what it was like for him.
Earlier they had managed a moment alone, not much more.
Donna had been telling him about the storm when she entered, and he had avoided her eyes.
For two people who ended up in this mess by talking they seemed pretty unable to communicate anymore. Leo’s office was the worst place to have a meeting, neither neutral or relaxing. In the end she had gone for professional.
His mind was made up, a unilateral decision, he was getting good at making them. She had needed to talk him through questions, plan answers but he was reluctant, his mind tied up with other things.
It had been her way of trying to let him know she was there for him, and maybe if she ever figured out what was next she could tell him that. The familiar was comfortable, detailing the first question, strategy that was what she was good at. Lawrence Altman’s medical question was more than she could hope for, easing him in gently, finding his rhythm, the man people voted for but she noted his quiet, his lack of interest now that he had chosen his path. She hoped somehow he wouldn’t look at her because he didn’t want to see her hurting, and maybe if he had she would have hugged him to her, destroying the calm façade he needed.
She almost thought he had tried calling her name but when the room fell silent she had returned to the professional, the press conference, then she had left him.
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Jed's glance was almost so brief she thought perhaps she had imagined it.
He had made his decision, he was going to walk away, rebuild his life.
She thought maybe she would return to California, as far away from New Hampshire as she could manage. It hadn’t occurred to her when we entered her office all those months ago that she might actually fall for him.
He turned back to the room and in a voice she recognised he said the words that would haunt her dreams in the days to come. “Yeah, and I’m going to win.”
As madness erupted around her she stood quietly, trying to deal with what was about to come, all that one moment of insanity could unleash.
And then he was gone, the others trailing after him and she was left to face the press, two hundred of them asking questions she didn’t have the answer to.
The End