Title: And the Walls Come Tumbling Down
Series: Abstinence Plus
Follows: When you Need Someone
Somewhere, Something Incredible
From Here to Eternity
Talk and Realisations
Spoilers: Post Ep for Bad Moon Rising/ Pre Ep for The Falls Gonna Kill you, so anything up to then
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: CJ and Jed aren’t mine, I always put them back when I’ve finished.
And the Walls Come Tumbling Down
There was definitely something in the air.
Toby was more stressed than usual and his reaction to the leak on school vouchers was even more passionate than normal. And he was lying to her, not that he hadn’t done that before, but this time even his eyes were unveiled.
Leo had been unavailable all week, either in meetings or somewhere in the recesses of the building. More worrying was the fact even Margaret didn’t know where he was most of the time.
Josh was quiet, and Josh was never quiet.
CJ had deliberately said things to him, which would normally have had him in her office teasing and taunting her, but he seemed to be shutting her out.
Even the President was acting out of character, asking Charlie to stay when they were alone and avoiding her eyes.
The only one who was all right was Sam, and even he was distant as he concentrated on the upcoming speech.
CJ sat in her office late Sunday night, writing emails and reading through what she needed for the following day.
Toby had been by a little while ago, for no apparent reason it seemed other than to check she was still there and inform her he would be in his office later.
She wonders briefly if he wants to talk about whatever has been bothering him of late and makes a note to drop by and invite him for a drink later. She is so far away she doesn’t hear the knock on the door until he says her name.
‘CJ?’
Looking up she notices Leo and smiles, ‘What do ya need?’
He waits a beat before saying what he has come to say, ‘I want to discuss something with you and it would be better if we did this in my office.’
CJ shrugs at the strange request but then it’s been a strange week, hell for all she knows maybe her office is bugged. Getting up she follows him in silence down the hall and into his office.
When he closes the door her first thought is that he knows about her crush, that’s what she has taken to calling it. In which case this won’t be pleasant as he asks her to give it up, resign or both.
CJ takes an armchair as he sits on the edge of the couch closest to her.
‘What I’m about to tell you isn’t easy,’ he begins, ‘but I’m going to tell you everything and then you can ask questions.’
CJ nods.
‘About eight years ago The President was diagnosed with MS.’
The word diagnosed sparks off some sort of comprehension for her, ‘Multiple sclerosis?’
‘Yeah. It was during a routine check up, they ran tests and an MRI. He has what’s known as a Relapsing Remitting course.’
That is when the disbelief sets in; the President has an illness, which she didn’t know about. CJ jumps up from her seat and starts walking the room, her hands waving in the air as she mentally runs through every conversation they have had, searching for clues. And she remembers his hands reaching for her, tangling in her hair, his name on her lips. And she doesn’t see a sick man.
‘CJ,’ Leo calls trying to still her.
‘There’s more?’ she asks, her voice no longer connected to her brain.
‘At the moment he is on medication, Betaseron. It reduces the frequency of the attacks. Abbey injects him.’
At the mention of Abbey CJ comes to a halt and stares at him, so Leo knows and Abbey knows.
‘Attacks, you said attacks,’ she accuses focusing on the word.
‘Attacks? Episodes? It’s possible he was having one when he collapsed before the State of The Union last year. ’
‘I was told it was flu,’ she states wondering how many times she said the phrase the president is in good health.
‘It probably was.’
Suddenly she wants to leave, and get as far away from this place as possible. Instead she falls into the closest chair, ‘Oh my God.’
******
Jed sits in the Oval Office, staring out of the window. He’s fixed on a point in the darkness, not really concentrating but unable to do anything else. It’s been twenty minutes since he told Leo it was time.
Josh found out of Thursday. There had been no yelling, no tears but the pity had been blatantly clear in his eyes. After the questions had been asked and the implications spelled out he had left quietly, carrying with him some sort of haze. Since then he doesn’t think Josh has managed to look him in the eye.
So far everyone has acted as he would have expected. Toby yelling, Leo understanding and Josh’s silent pity and fear that yet another person in his life would die. All are now focused on what happens next.
Right now CJ is sat next door, hearing the truth. He knows she will despise him for not doing it himself, and he detests himself for not being able to hold her and tell her it doesn’t change anything. Of course it does. There will be no more late night chats or shows of affection. And then it comes down to the real reason he hasn’t told anyone before now-he doesn’t want them to see him any different-and she will. He will no longer be Jed Bartlet, President and potential lover. He will be this sick man, who she will be frightened to touch, or like Toby she will be mad at him. And neither of those instances appeal. He wants her to look at him and see the man who loves her and not fear that he will break.
******
Leo is reaching for her hand but she pulls away and folds her hands in her lap.
‘What else do I need to know?’ she asks.
‘What do you want to know?’ He replies, missing the inflection in her voice.
‘Are we going to lose him?’ Her words betray her just a little as she struggles between being the Press Secretary and the woman he took to the movies.
‘It isn’t fatal. He will have attacks, he will recover and he will probably live as long as me,‘ he replies, as much to reassure himself as her. ‘There are added complications, fever, stress will bring the attacks on.’
CJ shakes her head, ‘I’m guessing the words you’re needed in the situation room don’t help.’
‘Neither is playing chess with Toby.’
She laughs in response to his attempt at relieving the tension but it is half-hearted and false.
‘What happens next?’
‘Babish wants us to go public,’ he says, leading her back to the professional.
CJ lifts her head, ‘It will be a media circus, the press will go after us, the Republicans will want hearings. How soon?’
This is what they all admire about her, her ability to take on board the information and move on, to remain focused when the world is spinning around her.
‘A week, maybe two.’
In two weeks it will be her Birthday and she wonders if she is being shallow, thinking of herself in a moment like this.
He had mentioned in passing about finding time to celebrate but now she knows his secret she’s not sure if she can face him.
******
Briefly Jed wonders about what will follow. The Special Prosecutor, The Grand Jury, Congressional Hearings and questions. It becomes clear in his mind that they will go after him, and Abbey, and Leo…and CJ. The three people he cares about most will be the ones to take the brunt of his non-disclosure. Abbey because she medicates him, breaks rules, which no one follows and for that he is truly sorry. Leo still has secrets but he loves him like a brother and wonders briefly how he can protect him. CJ doesn’t have secrets, at least not that he knows of, and that bothers him. There is still so much about her he doesn’t know and now it seems unlikely he ever will. Jed takes refuge in the knowledge that they will be rallied around. Josh, Sam and Toby will go out on a limb to protect Leo, to find a way to prevent him from suffering more pain. And they worship CJ so where he is unable to aid her they will crowd her, protect her from the fall.
Picking up a paper weight he toys with it, wondering if he was to throw it whether it would shatter, just as his world is about to, and who would be there to pick up the pieces.
******
Leo’s office is suddenly too confining, she has too many questions, but the answers she needs won’t be found inside this room, this building. After 22 years of school she knows how to research, resolving tomorrow to look up the subject and commit to memory statistics and prognosis, for the days ahead and for her own sense of being. The other questions will have to wait. How could he love her, if in fact he does, and not tell her? Why would he let it go so far between them knowing what he did? And more importantly how is she supposed to react to him now? In the moments they are alone she has realised she loves him, now she will worry about him, but as his friend. The thing between them is over, that much is obvious. When everything becomes public he will be watched even more closely than before and his relationship with her would only give him more to worry about. Whether she can feel as she does and be so close is another.
Leo is watching her, waiting for tears or anger but he will be disappointed, these are things she will do later, for now he will have to settle for disbelief.
Planning her words carefully she drops her voice to the cold warning tone she uses on the vultures.
‘So let me get this straight.’ She sees him flinch as he’s aware what’s coming. ‘Eight years ago Governor Bartlet was diagnosed with an illness. When he decided to run for President in 1997...’ She waves her hand at Leo before he can interrupt. ‘He chose to keep it secret. Now he wants to go public. And you went along with it?’ She ends on incredulous.
‘I didn’t know until the State of The Union last year, but it wouldn’t have changed anything, I still would have run his campaign,’ he states.
CJ raises her eyebrows at him, not sure whether to ask him if he realises what he just admitted, and closes her eyes as she admits, knowing the President as she does now she probably would have worked on the campaign anyway.
‘Leo, will he get worse, I mean what does the future hold?’ her voice is quiet. Somewhere along the way she has switched from employee to the woman and friend, who is more worried about losing him than the implications for the administration.
‘We don’t know, it could remain as is, with occasional attacks; it could turn into secondary progressive, which is the next stage. You will need to find a medical expert.’
That she knows is something she will have to do, and in the coming months CJ will become an expert on the disease. It is the thought of him getting worse that brings the tears, quiet and steady.
‘I’m not sure what I do now,’ She says.
‘Go home. You have a meeting with Babish tomorrow. At 5.30.’ He knows it’s pointless telling her to get some sleep.
She stands and he stands with her, wanting to reach out and hold her, but he knows it’s not him she needs. It is then he sees the fear in her eyes, fear he believes is for the future.
She reaches the door before she stops and rubs her palms against her skirt, turning she asks, ‘Why are you the one telling me?’
‘Because the president asked me to,’ he replies.
CJ nods inceptively before she exits the room. Leo crosses to the connecting door and stops, wondering why exactly he was the one telling her.
Leo opens the door and enters, buttoning his blazer as he does so. Jed hears him but doesn’t turn, fearful of what is readable in his eyes.
‘You’ve told her.’
‘Yes Mr President.’
He wants to go to her but knows in the coming weeks that will be unwise and impossible, for now they have to concentrate on the announcement and on what comes next.
‘How did she take it?’ he asks quietly.
Leo takes the chair beside the desk. ‘How you would expect. Lots of questions and tears.’
Now that he knows he made her cry he hates himself.
‘No yelling?’
Leo nods, ‘Quiet yelling, composed and focused.’
Knowing he can only push it so far, ‘Is she seeing Babish?’
‘Tomorrow at 5.30. Toby was going to wait for her tonight, make sure she’s okay, she gets home.’
Jed wants to laugh; the word okay is used too frequently and rarely is anything okay. He can imagine her going home to an empty apartment and crying, and will see in his sleep for weeks the look she has when she‘s hurt.
******
CJ walks steadily towards her office, only getting as far as the lobby before she turns and rushes for the nearest washroom. The retching is dry and her throat is sore when she stops but at least it has stopped her thinking.
As she sits against the stall door the tears start once more, it is only then she thinks about the political ramifications. Not the man but the office, the President has an illness which he lied about, and the seams are about to unravel.
Eventually tired and more confused she rises and takes the lonely walk back to her office. She is not surprised to find Toby sat on her couch, eyes closed, waiting to hear her, as though he is some sort of confessional. Unfortunately the sort of confessional she needs tonight he won’t be able to receive.
Hey Toby, I just found out my lover is sick, she wants to say. Instead she places a hand on his arm, and he opens his eyes to look at her.
‘Go home Toby.’
He scratches his naked scalp, ‘Let me drive you.’
She shakes her head, ‘I want to be alone.’ Looking at him and the concern in his eyes she realises exactly what he has been going through the last week. ‘Toby, I need to think this through, and then we can talk, okay? I’m not going to do anything stupid.’
He is staring at her, trying to read her mind as he stands.
‘Night,’ he whispers and then, ‘Call me if you need anything.’
‘Toby?’ she calls as he reaches the door. ‘Who told you?’ She asks as he turns.
He ponders the question a second and says, ‘The President.’
She smiles and sits at her desk. Knowing he couldn’t tell her brings some comfort in her newly disjointed world. That must mean his words to her were not hollow, he really does have feelings for her and in fact that makes her wish for what could have been.
Bringing up her laptop she searches for the phrase Multiple sclerosis for the next hour, printing off what she finds and stuffing it in her briefcase.
It is only then she goes home, to shower, change and read before returning to have the worst meeting of her life.
The End