THE 2002 DARWIN AWARD WINNER
James Elliot of Long Beach, California. It seems that James was low on
cash and decided to execute an old-fashioned stick-up, using his trusty
38-caliber revolver. The victim was not cooperative, so James turned
from attempted robber to attempted murderer � he pulled the trigger. The
weapon failed to fire. This is when James earned his award. Doing what
any legitimate Darwin Award winner would do, he peered straight down the
barrel of his gun and pulled the trigger to see what was going on in
there. Of course, this time it worked.
THE 2001 DARWIN AWARD WINNER
(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the
great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert
at the George Washington amphitheatre. Having no tickets (but having had
18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the
nine-foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup truck
over to the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100-pounds
heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend
over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot
drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he
found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted
(and broken, along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by
his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and
saw some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his
fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts
to free himself from the tree. Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into
holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now,
without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his
rectum. To make matters worse, on landing, his pocket knife penetrated
his thigh. Mr. Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and
agony, threw him a rope and tried to pull him to safety by tying the
rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away. However, in his
drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through
the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find
the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and
dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck,
they found John under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick
in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree
branch 25-feet in the air.
THE 2000 DARWIN AWARD WINNER
Decades of armed strife have littered Cambodia with unexploded munitions
and ordnance. Authorities warn citizens not to tamper with the devices.
Three friends recently spent an evening sharing drinks and exchanging
insults
at a local cafe in the southeastern province of Svay Rieng. Their
companionable arguing continued for hours, until one man pulled out a
25-year-old unexploded anti-tank mine found in his backyard. He tossed
it under the table, and the three men began playing Russian Roulette,
each tossing down a drink and then stamping on the mine. The other
villagers fled in terror. Minutes later, the explosive detonated with a
tremendous boom, killing the three men in the bar. "There were no
remains" the Kampuchea newspaper reported.
THE 1999 DARWIN AWARD WINNER
Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early
Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was
apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feed-horn.
Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according
to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that
Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and
entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of
the microwave dish. He had told coworkers that it was the only way he could
stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter
temperatures often dip to forty below zero. Microwaves can heat water
molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in
microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve
pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line
with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold
boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the anticipated
increase in holiday long-distance calling traffic. Baker's body was
discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odor
he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a
surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Baker's
unfinished beers had exploded.
THE 1998 DARWIN AWARD WINNER
Japan Times-April 16, 1997 "The government must crack down on this
disgusting craze of 'Pumping'", a spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima
hospital told reporters. "If this perversion catches on, it will destroy the
cream of Thailand's manhood." He was speaking after the remains of 13 year-old
Charnchai Puanmuangpak had been rushed into the hospital's emergency room.
"Most 'Pumpers' use a standard bicycle pump," he explained, "inserting the
nozzle far up their rectum, giving themselves a rush of air, creating a
momentary high. This act is a sin against God." It appears that the young
Charnchai took it further still. He started using a two-cylinder foot pump,
but even that wasn't exciting enough for him, so he boasted to friends that
he was going to try the compressed air hose at a nearby gasoline station.
They dared him to do it, so, under cover of darkness, he snuck in. Not
realizing how powerful the machine was, he inserted the tube deep into his
rectum, and placed a coin in the slot. As a result, he died virtually instantly,
leaving passers-by still in shock. One woman thought she was watching a twilight
firework display, and started clapping. "We still haven't located all of him",
say the police authorities. "When that quantity of air interacted with the gas
in his system, he nearly exploded. It was like an atom bomb went off or
something." "Pumping is the devil's pastime, and we must all say no to Satan,"
Ratchasima concluded. "Inflate your tires by all means, but then hide your
bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you."
Let's hear it for Charnchai Puanmuangpak, the 1998 undisputed Darwin Award
recipient!
THE 1997 DARWIN AWARD WINNER
Larry Waters of Los Angeles -- one of the few Darwin winners to survive
his award-winning accomplishment. Larry's boyhood dream was to fly. When
he graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming
a pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally
discharged, he had to satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his
backyard.
One day, Larry, had a bright idea. He decided to fly. He went to the local
Army-Navy surplus store and purchased 45 weather balloons and several tanks
of helium. The weather balloons, when fully inflated, would measure more
than four feet across. Back home, Larry securely strapped the balloons to
his sturdy lawn chair. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and
inflated the balloons with the helium. He climbed on for a test while it
was still only a few feet above the ground. Satisfied it would work, Larry
packed several sandwiches and a six-pack of Miller Lite, loaded his pellet
gun--figuring he could pop a few balloons when it was time to descend--
and went back to the floating lawn chair.
He tied himself in along with his pellet gun and provisions. Larry's plan
was to lazily float up to a height of about 30 feet above his back yard
after severing the anchor and in a few hours come back down. Things didn't
quite work out that way. When he cut the cord anchoring the lawn chair to
his jeep, he didn't float lazily up to 30 or so feet. Instead he streaked
into the LA sky as if shot from a cannon. He didn't level of at 30 feet,
nor did he level off at 100 feet. After climbing and climbing, he leveled
off at 11,000 feet. At that height he couldn't risk shooting any of the
balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really find himself in trouble.
So he stayed there, drifting, cold and frightened, for more than 14 hours.
Then he really got in trouble. He found himself drifting into the primary
approach corridor of Los Angeles International Airport.
A United pilot first spotted Larry. He radioed the tower and described
passing a guy in a lawn chair with a gun. Radar confirmed the existence of
an object floating 11,000 feet above the airport. LAX emergency procedures
swung into full alert and a helicopter was dispatched to investigate. LAX
is right on the ocean. Night was falling and the offshore breeze began to
flow. It carried Larry out to sea with the helicopter in hot pursuit. Several
miles out, the helicopter caught up with Larry. Once the crew determined that
Larry was not dangerous, they attempted to close in for a rescue but the
draft from the blades would push Larry away whenever they neared. Finally,
the helicopter ascended to a position several hundred feet above Larry and
lowered a rescue line. Larry snagged the line and was hauled back to shore.
The difficult maneuver was flawlessly executed by the helicopter crew. As
soon as Larry was hauled to earth, he was arrested by waiting members of the
LAPD for violating LAX airspace. As he was led away in handcuffs, a reporter
dispatched to cover the daring rescue asked why he had done it. Larry
stopped,turned and replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around."
Let's hear it for Larry Waters, the 1997 Darwin Award Winner.
THE 1996 DARWIN AWARD WINNER
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded
into the side of a cliff running along a remote strip of highway at the apex
of a curve. The wreckage, more than 100 feet above the road surface, was at
first inspection thought to be a small airplane, but it was actually the
remains of an automobile. The type of car, however, could not be determined
at the scene. After sifting through the debris and submitting numerous
theories to rigorous analytical testing, the Arizona police crime lab was
able to piece together a somewhat detailed account of the crash. According
to the investigation, the driver of the car had somehow gotten hold of a
JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid-fuel rocket), normally
used to give heavy military transport planes an extra `push' for taking off
from short airfields. He had then driven his 1967 Chevy Impala out into the
desert and found a long, straight stretch of road, attached the JATO unit to
his car, jumped in, got up some speed, and fired it off. The facts as best
as could be determined are that the operator of the Chevy hit the JATO
ignition (which are like sulfur, once lit cannot be extinguished) at a
distance of approximately 3.9 miles from the crash site. This was established
from the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if
operating properly, would have reached a maximum thrust within 5 seconds,
causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 m.p.h. and continuing
at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, soon to be pilot,
would have experienced g-forces on the order of those experienced by F-14
pilots under full after-burner blowout, and flattening him to nearly two-
dimensional status for the rest of the ride.. However, the trusty Impala
managed to remain on the straight highway at that speed for an additional 2.5
miles (15-20 seconds in rocket travel time) before the driver, apparently in
an effort to stop the car, applied the brakes. Not unlike ice cream on a hot
frying pan, the brakes instantly melted. At about the same time, the tires
disintegrated, leaving thick streaks of steamy rubber on the road surface.
The Impala, now without either brakes or wheels, but still subject to the
full thrust of the JATO, became airborne, and continued for an additional 1.4
miles before impacting the face of the cliff at an amazing height of 125 feet,
leaving a blackened three-foot deep crater in the rock. Sadly, but not
surprisingly, most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. Small
fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and
fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be
part of the steering wheel. All in all, about enough to fill a maraca.
