sept03

September 2003

Thursday September 4, 2003:
Another day, another fat cell is born...hahaha. Well we are getting down to the wire with the appeal. I should get my denial any day now and then start on my appeal to the state. I went for a job interview today, well actually I went to pick up an application and after giving my experience (vet hospital) the doctor wanted to see me right away. He says he'll call on Monday. I'm not too sure I want the job, the hospital seems way back in the prehistoric times. Nothing is on a computer which makes me wary of the animals care with what hospital equipment they have. Who knows, I may not get it. He may think I have too much experience and I may want too much money. I'm going to keep looking and even go back to the puppy store. It would be nice to have some spending money and extra for emergancies.

Its funny how easily frustrated I get watching how people have lost weight without surgery. It almost makes me feel like a failure. And it makes me wonder what people think of me when they meet me or just see me. I know deep down inside it's not my fault, I didn't make myself this way. That's what people don't realize, it's not a thyroid problem or an overeating problem. My metabolism is non-existent. Whatever goes in my mouth stays in me. I'm lucky if I go to the bathroom two times a week. Its like my doctor said, it's my last hope to lose weight. I wish I could diet and exercise and lose it all. Like the people I watched on Oprah. 125 to 305lbs in a year. It was amazing, and honestly I am so happy for them, but deep inside I wish I was like them. Then 'd know my body was normal and I was normal and I could lose the weight.

I know it will all happen soon, it's just all this waiting and fighting for something I have a right to is ridiculus. Well tomorrow I start calling my lawyer. Hopefully we will have some news then,

Friday September 5, 2003:
Okay I have a confession to make. I know my journal entries have probably been really depressing, but hey it is my journal and I said I would be honest about how I was feeling. What most people don't realize that maybe people in my position with weight gain know really well, is that no matter how perky and happy we my seem on the outside doesn't mean that we are really like that on the inside all the time watching life go by. I was reading another woman's journal, marveling at her success and how much her life has changed since losing weight. And it really hits home, how much I miss out on every day. All the things that I want to do but can't. Like horseback riding, dancing, long walks on the beach. I can't manage none of these things anymore. And it is depressing me like crazy. More so than ever because I have always been active, and now going down the stairs is a lot. And if I push it I get severe chest pains, and I have to follow up and make sure I keep my pressure down so I don't get hypertension and then get denied even by the state.

But I think the one thing that really hurts the most is the lack luster love life. Yes I have a boyfriend, but our sex life is non-existent. And it's not that I don't want to, I do, even though I have no desire for it. I feel like my boyfriend is no longer attracted to me. Which I can understand. I look in the mirror and see what I really look like and I really can't hold it against him. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. And it's depressing me more than I have ever known. I've gone over a year without having sex, by choice of not sleeping around, but I never thought being with someone and having a 3 1/2 month gap would ever happen. He says he wants me, but still nothing happens. So I can no longer believe that he is just too tired, to me no matter what he says, it's me. I hope things change soon. Because I feel like my heart is breaking. And I find myself consoling myself with food again. Which is exactly what I don't need. God help me, I need to have surgery before I lose everything.

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