Tuesday October 14, 2003:
Well pumpkin picking was kind of cool. It was nice to spend the day with my sister and my niece, it's made me realize how starved for company I have become. It's amazing how closed in my life has become, it's pretty sad. It's also made me think about how lonely I have been feeling, but not wanting to admit it. Things as usual have become distant between my BF and myself. He thinks all is chipper when it's not. He thinks running errands is spending time together, NOT!!!! Maybe it's me, maybe it's everything. But I do know it's been putting a strain on me and how I view this relationship.
I just want something to go right, I need something to work out for me. It just seems that with every passing day it gets harder and harder to face the day. I totally chickened out from going to an open house at Molloy college. Now I'm going to have to make a private appointment, which I prefer. But it's just the point that I'm not as fearless as I used to be. I want to hide all the time. I'm beginning to doubt myself in a big way about everything. I know it sounds like a defeatous attitude, but it's how I am feeling. I don't know what to do to shake it at this point anymore. I am just praying that god hears me and gives me a break at something, let something come through for me, have it work out. I know people say that if things come easy you don't appreciate it, but when it takes so much out of you how do you appreciate it at all. I just feel alone in all of this, like no one else understands what is going on inside of me. My shrink is there, but it would be helpful to know someone I am not paying to listen would reach out instead. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day, I hope. |
