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| Wednesday November 5, 2003: Okay so where do I begin.....to make a long story short (if that is possible for me hahaha) I went to see my lawyer today. Now according to California State Insurance Department I have to file a second appeal with Cigna. This time my file comes before a review board made up of doctors and nurses. Not like it will make much difference in the decision. He sent in my paperwork for the appeal and hopefully I will have a scheduled conference call within 2 weeks to speak with them and Cigna's attorney and my attorney. If I get denied from them then I go on to submitted for an external appeal with California State. Sounds complicated huh? Believe me when I say I am fit to be tied and almost ready to give up. But thanks to the encouragements from my lawyer, my boyfriend and his family I wont throw in the towel. My oldest sister on the other hand, feels like I should be dieting in the meantime and act like I am not having surgery. It's amazing that people still think that plain diet and exercising wil; help. No matter how many times I explain about how I can't exercise ei. bone tumor which swells up my leg from pressure of my weight, heel spurs, bursitis, bad kness and ankles. It's like they still think I'm doing this as a cop out, the easy way out. It's aggravating, and disheartening at the same time. But I am grateful for the few who understand and are still praying for me. The one thing that is really worrying me is that I only have 13 weeks of unemployment. I really want to go back to school and I'm hoping that this can all be done before I run out of my unemployment and before school begins. My lawyer forsees me having surgery before the end of the year. I can only hope and pray this happens too!!! Well I'm off to bed, Ciao!!! |
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| Friday November 7, 2003: Okay I have had it with skinny people. Again my sister makes another stupid comment. She calls me tonight to makes plans for tomorrow, it's my mom's birthday, and she asks me what I'm making for dinner. So I tell her, fillet of flounder, steamed broccoli, and pasta in oil and garlic. She gets all excited and is like, oh so you are going to diet. I came right out and said no. This is the way I cook every night. It's amazing how people think that I eat fried chicken, cheeseburgers and everything else horribly bad every day all day with more than one serving. Like I'm making up excuses for being fat,. Hey I'm no saint, I have the occasional soda for dinner, a snack here and there like a small bowl of ice cream. But I don't overdo it. People need a real wake up call to a life of a fat person. We are not all fat, lazy slobs, who do nothing all day but eat and eat and have pity parties for ourselves for being fat while stuffing our face full of candy and other crap. I wish people who judge me could spend a week in my body and see what it is like to carry aroung my weight, the pain that I carry on a daily basis (just because I don't bitch an dmoan like some people doesn't mean I don't hurt all the time). The way I get looked at and laughed at, maybe then they would stop taunting and judging. If only, that would be a great wish. Okay I'm done preaching, have a great weekend everyone....goodnight y'all!!! |
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| Wednesday November12, 2003: Well not much has been happening, just biding my time. I'm scheduled to call my attorney tomorrow and then start harrassing Cigna in PA. Oh joy, lets add long distance charges to my bill. It's getting really discouraging. I really wnat to do something with my life and I feel at a loss with this. It's like I have lost all sense of control over everything. I find myself a huge weeping mass of self pity. And I hate it, I hate crying, I hate hating myself, I'm just on this huge hate fest. I still find myself searching out other websites. Looking for hope, losing myself in other's weight loss successes. Helps me get through my day sometimes. And sometimes I wonder if I am just being masochistic and making myself long more and more for an end to this ordeal and to just have surgery. I've heard people say don't get discouraged, don't give up, keep fighting, but it's hard. For every step I take, I'm beaten back several, at least that's how it feels. I have to just keep hoping against hope this will happen. I don't want to continue my life this way. I'm ready to go back on antidepressants, something I should have done a long time ago. Funny how so many people are against me doing that. I really don't think they know what it is like to be really depressed, to be so down that no matter what I do it is starting to affect my physically too. I hope there is a light at the end of my tunnel. I just want to be on the other side. And I am ready to deal with the pain, and the hardship. Because the hardship on that end sounds a lot better than this side of life. For those of you who have stuck around reading my journals, thank you. I hope to have good news to share with you soon. We |
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