| Friday May 30, 2003: continued.... I have never won out on anything I have wanted, with all my heart. All my dreams shattered and no one gave a damn. My life has been a constant battle. From being ill consistently, I have more trips to so many doctors I might as well be considered an old woman. I have had to overcome the stigma of being a fat girl nobody wanted to hire, no matter how qualified. I have had to struggle to get past my attack. I still have trouble calling it what it is (rape). I am still dealing with it. I lost my dream of finishing school because I couldn't pay for it. Of dealing with family, so called friends and men who were embarrassed to be seen with me, "Love being with you, but what do I tell my friends?". How much more shit do I have to take before I get what I deserve. I am no saint, but I have worked hard all my life to only get shafted out of everything. I lost my job, why because I'm not Asian and I am a woman. Oh yeah, I don't look anywhere near as good as the other girls did in the office. Why can't I become a winner? Why can't I get a break. It's not fair, I know life is not fair, but why am I always the one who gets put off? That should have been my nickname, The Put Off Girl. Everything and everyone else has always come before me, why can't I be first? Why? Always left standing in the wings, waiting for my turn. And when I get bold enough and tired of waiting and push forward I get knocked back all the way back to the beginning. I'm tired of hearing "if it's meant to be, it will be". That's a load of bullsh*t, and we all know it. The world is divided into people who are the "privileged ones" , those content to be bottom feeders and those like myself who have to fight for everything and still lose it all. I want to be a winner. I'm so tired of being a loser. And it's not the little things I lose, its always big time. How can they deny me of the one thing that can keep me alive? My life isn't living, its like being beaten over and over again into submission. And everytime I get up to battle I am the one who gets beaten and ganged up on. You get to the point, you get tired of fighting lost causes, especially when that cause is yourself. No life is was never meant to be roses, but when do I get to smell them, even if I can't hold them and make them mine? What makes me so different from everyone else? So different that no one minds to bump me back down again. I'm scared. On the outside I look calm, but inside its like a ticking time bomb. Look at my EKG and my blood pressure today, its only the tip of the iceburg with what is happening inside. It's funny how I think that losing my job is worse than the time I tried to commit suicide. I even failed at that too. I didn't deserve to lose my job, I worked my ass off and this is what I get for sticking up for myself. Instead of bending over and letting myself be raped over and over again by those Japs, who are still fighting WWII. I cried on my way home Saturday morning when I came back from my sleep study. It killed me to be there, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't breathe. I felt so violated, because of a male doctor who did not care about his patient's mental and emotional state. Because I was forced into a situation I so strongly opposed. It felt like I was a woman who was forced to sleep with a man in order to keep her job, or whatever it was that was so dear to her to protect. Why is that woman always me. So tomorrow I call again, to beg and plead for someone to speak to me, so I may plead my case. I didn't deserve what has happened to me, and what has been continuing to happen to me. I feel like no matter what road I choose I never reach the end, it's always another detour pulling me further away from where I should be. I pray each night that God hear's me this time. This is one cross I cannot bear to carry, I have carried this one all my life, when does it get lifted away from me? |
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| May 2003 continued...... |
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