febpg2

February 2003 continued........

continued...

Then the next thing is to set up my sleep study. I really have been putting this off, and I shouldn't, I'm just not looking forward to it at all. I have enough sleep problems, without having to sleep with a bunch of strangers watching me do it. Not to mention it is going to be really hard to be away from my boyfriend. Since we have been together, we've never spent a night apart. So getting to sleep is going to be beyond difficult. But it's gotta get done and I'm a big girl.

Speaking of big girls, this weekend my boyfriend and I went out with another couple, to dinner and shoot some pool. Now both of them are extremely overweight, we are talking 300+. Now that doesn't bother me at all, they are both great people, and I love hanging out with them both because like me they are laid back and love to laugh. But the whole night I was afraid my boyfriend would let the cat out of the bag. I felt uncomfortable with telling them about the surgery, as if I would insult them by doing so.

I know I shouldn't have felt like that but I couldn't help it. I mean they both love food, that pretty much all they talk about, food and cooking. Don't get me wrong I LOVE food, but I'm trying to lose weight not gain. When I ordered dinner, they were like that's it, that's all you're eating? You have to see these two they can eat. We've gone out before and all they did was eat everything the whole time we were at the festival. I'm just curious and nervous about what is going to happen when I start losing weight after surgery and we hang out again. Are they going to act funny around me or not? I guess we'll just wait and see.

If anybody has had friends react like this drop me a line and let me know. I'd like to know what has happened to you.

Wednsday February 12, 2003
Well not much happening, I left a message with my shrink today reminding her that I will be there tomorrow for my appointment and my letter. Lets hope she has it tomorrow, I'm going to be really upset if she doesn't. In the meantime, I'm just waiting on my letter from my PCP and I need to call and make my appt for the sleep study. I know, I know I'm dragging my rear on that one. I'm just not looking forward to it. I know I have sleep apnea, ask my boyfriend. Poor thing I wake him up sometimes two or three times a night. Not to mention I scare the crap out of him when I stop breathing.

Well I learned from my PCP that I'm going to have to wait on a few test that I want to get done, like the pulmonary function test (fancy name for lung test) and my abdonimal ultrasound. He thinks that the surgeon may want his specialist to do them, which is okay because my doctor wil get me my referrals asap. He's fantastic that way. He's really pulling for me, and he's worth driving 76 miles (total trip) to see. I know people think I'm nuts when I travel so far, but I have had some near death experiences with doctors more concerned about the check they get at the end of the year, not their patients well being.

Anyone, I had a really good question posed to me by a reader here who I have been in touch with by emails. She asked me how I imagine myself. She says that at a seminar most people could not imagine themselves thin, always overweight. She pictures herself as thin in her mind, even now before surgery. Funny thing is I know I'm obese, but I can't close my eyes and see myself that way. And that does not help my depression one bit. Because I don't see myself as I really look until I actually look in the mirror. It is a great disappointment, I look exactly like my late grandmother who was 5' 0" approx 320lbs. That's what made me decide to finally commit to doing this. I don't want to be her.   I hate what I see, and it always reduced me to tears. In my mind I'm not this skinny girl, but I look like I did when I was about 160 lbs. Not skinny but not morbidly obese. God I never thought I would ever describe myself as obese, fat, chubby, healthy, but never obese. So it is safe to say I can't wait to actually look like that girl in my mind or even thinner. How do you picture yourself? Do pictures shock you too? Can you picure yourself after surgery?

That was something I never actually thought about. It's something I'm going to bring up when I go to the support group next month. Yes I'm going next month. Remind me, beat me to a pulp and make sure I go...lol!!

On a brighter note, something I thought I would share with you guys, my boyfriend asked me about what I thought about getting engaged. Or you kidding do you really need to know what I think?!!!! He wants to start shopping around for a ring and see what I would like. He says he would like to propose on his birthday. His birthday? It's so he can give himself the best gift of all a promise of the future with me.   When's his birthday? March 31st!!!! Do you guys think I can wait? LOL!!!!! I'm actually not too excited yet, I guess it's me being protective. I've always had to deal with disappointments and let downs, so I never believe till it happens, sad but true. Doesn't mean that when I think about it I don't get like this big cheesey smile :).

Well its late and I have work tomorrow. Just want to say to Frenchie of American Idol (the best singer they had) Keep trooping and never give up. That is one BBW with a voice that can rival Aretha (in my opinion anyway),   Night all.