dec03

DECEMBER 2003

Tuesday December 2, 2003:
Sorry it's been a while since I've written. Not much happening, spoke with my lawyer today and now he wants me to resume calling the guy for my conference call for the second appeal. I really wish now that I had gone back to work. By the time all this comes through for me I would have been at a new job well over 6 months and would have been able to have afforded time to take off. Ahh the would haves and could haves, and most of all the "ifs" of life. Not much I can do now. Now I'm in it for the fight and I'm not giving up. I have decided to seek out training through unemployment, so in the meantime even once my 13 weeks is up as long as I am in the training program I get paid...good thinking right? I figured if I can get training as a medical assistant I can work and get paid better than working back in an animal hospital, go to school parttime and evenutally turn my life around. Or work part time and go to school full time, which is what I am hoping for.

I know big plans. I have to admit I am scared. Not of going to school, but believing that it can happen and then it doesn't. I'm scared of being stuck in a life that doesn't allow me to live. Like this body. Looks like I will be buying new clothes anyway. Not what I wanted to do, especially not afford. I at least need a new coat. My leather is very tight and uncomfortable, so I dont have much choice. It's depressing to think that I will have to waste money I don't have.

On another note I go tomorrow for my MRI, hopefully I wont need surgery on my knee, even though the operation itself is minimal. I'm also going to seek my shrink and hopefully sneak in to see my psychatrist and be put back on my meds. I have noticed that it is time to go back on it, it scares me to think that I may be on it forever. Surgery is not a cure for my depression, but it will help greatly. Since my weight prohibits me from enjoying life and that is a big issue for me. Well I hope everyone had a wonderful turkey, until then Ciao!!!

Thursday December 11, 2003:
Not much to update, still calling this Vincent guy in PA for my conference call. This time I left a message stating that I have the means and the time to take a trip to Phili and personally request my conference call. And I added that I would stay until an appointment was set up. It ridiculous that they are dragging everything out, if it takes me going down there I will. Even my BF said he'd come with me.

Have any of you guys had any dreams about the surgery? I had a really vivid dream last night. I was walking into the hospital straight to the bariatric surgery unit. It felt so real, as I waiting to be called in and sit on the bed and be prepped for the surgery. I had one nurse setting up my IV and a doctor taking my red blood cell count. I even thought I felt the prick of the needle in my finger. Not to mention the nervousness and the anxiety of what was about to happen. It was like I was feeling this is it, it's actually going to happen, and I was afraid, not of dying but of what my life was going to be like after surgery. It was as if this life I have now was but a dream and a bad one at that. Like I had woken up from a bad dream and was thrust into the day it would all begin for me before I was ready for it. It wasn't until the guy who was playing my BF in my dream made me calm down and relax, like I was safe. Now I know it was because it wasn't his face on the dream BF, so I realized I was dreaming after all.

Really weird huh? I know when it finally happens I will be scared beyond belief, and no matter how ready I say I am there will always be some reservation for the first few days that I will face after surgery. But that's normal, and healthy. I think it would be stupid if I didn't have some fear, It would be like I was blind to the truth. Oh well, maybe some day soon.

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