Jan03

January 2003

Monday January 13, 2003
Well my seminar is next week and I can't wait. As soon as I attend I can make my appointment with Dr Vohra. I'm praying I don't have another long wait like I did with Dr Gadaleta. I really don't think I can make it till July to have surgery with Dr Gadaleta. You see I can't walk or do much standing for long periods of time without being in agony. Yesterday we went to the Javits Center to check out the yearly bike show and I was on my feet for at least 4 hours. When we finally got off the LIRR, I thought I was feeling a little better to walk down the stairs to the street, well as I stepped down I could no longer feel my left leg and it crumbled underneath me. I thought I was a goner. Gratefully I grabbed the railing and held on for dear life and stopped myself from tumbling down the stairs. I was more shocked than anything, and then I was embarrassed. All I could think of was the people around me looking at the fat girl who couldn't walk.

I hate that. I know I shouldn't care but I do. What hurts is how I'm feeling. It used to take me 2 hours to clean my apartment now it takes me at least 4-5 hours, because I need to take breaks in between to rest my back and leg. And I know what it is, its because I have way too much weight on me for my body to support it. Well at least I get my psych letter this Thursday, that's one less thing to do.

Tuesday, January 14, 2003
Well I'm still working on this site. I have found a few other sites through the webring I'm trying to join, and I can't say enough about how good it feels to read the journals and know what is ahead. I just wish I could get there like NOW!!! Hahaha, I know patience is a virtue, I don't have. I'm just tired of this. I mean here I am at work (sneaking online to do this) and I can't even zip up my pants. Hence the reason for the oversized sweater. I hate the thought of having to buy more clothes but I don't have much of a choice. At least Target near me have nice clothes that fit for a decent price. Unlike Lane Bryant which I hate for being so damn expensive. I know it's crazy but I hate that store with a passion. I hope I never shop there again. It's insulting that their models are skinny, hello the store is for BBWs!!!! There are plently of BBW models, why can't they use them? I'll tell you why, its an illusion they are trying to sell, and it's wrong. It makes people like me do stupid stuff trying to lose weight.

Well on another note, I'm going to implement a guest book so anyone who wants to sign in and give advice or support. I just hope I can help others the way I've been helped by so many people who have gone on this journey. And I can't wait until I get to restart my life, my second chance. Well it's back to the grind....catch ya soon.

Thursday January 16,2003
Well I pick up my psych eval letter tonight. I'm just glad thats one more piece in the puzzle done. Yeah!!!! Next week is the seminar, and I'm really happy that my boyfriend wants to come, best part is he asked to come with me, I didn't have to ask him to. He's been pretty good about all my dr appointments. Lord knows I have so many. Well not it's not as bad as it used to be, when I was seeing someone every week. I just wnat to get this done. I keep reading all these journals on line about everyone else's success. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not jealous (well just a little) I'm really happy for these people and I only wish them the best. I just want to be there too!!! I'm tired of looking in the mirror and not liking what I see. I don't even recognize the woman in the mirror. That face is not mine. It's depressing.

Well pray for me. I'm just hoping that Dr Vohra is not as busy as Dr Gadaleta. I don't want a butcher, I know his credentials are very good, but I hate hearing you waiting this
long you can wait a little longer.....:Psssss.

P.S. Pics coming this weekend :) credits to my wonderful boyfriend getting me my digital camera for Xmas!!!!!

Friday January 17, 2003

Okay so I'm not a happy camper today. I went to my shrink to pick up my letter, and it wasn't ready. It sucks because I had to trek all the way out to her to get it. I had to see her anyway (I see her once a month), but I really wanted this letter in my hand. It's not like she is not writing it, she has already given me her approval, it's just I really can't afford any delays. I want to do this as soon as possible. Because once I'm recovered I want to quit this thankless hell hole I work in. Also it'll be easier for my boyfriend and I to really get serious about getting out of New York. He is still leaning towards New Mexico, but I would prefer us to stay on the East Coast. I can't take the warm weather for too long. Maybe I'll feel different after the surgery.