PLANET FICTION
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STANDARD PRACTICE
Dr Foster�s practice opened promptly at nine am. After arranging his patient�s files for the day, Dr Foster buzzed in his first patient.
�Good morning, Mrs Hewitt, how are you today?� asked Dr Foster as Mrs Hewitt and her daughter sat in the hard, plastic chairs.
�I�m fine, Doctor Foster, but it�s my little Aimee who�s a bit poorly.�
�Aww, what�s wrong, Aimee?� The girl was sat in the chair, with her hands over her ears as if she had ear-ache.
�The colour-red hurts,� Mrs Hewitt explained to the doctor, �She hears in colours and smells sounds.�
�Does it hurt when people shout, Aimee?� asked Dr Foster as he took a small torch from his pocket and shone it into one of her ears.
Aimee nodded her head.
�What does this light smell like?� asked Dr Foster.
�Oranges,� said Aimee.
�I think I see what�s wrong,� said Dr Foster, �she has irritated Synaethasia, it�s perfectly common in the young. Strong, loud voices tend to be heard as red.�
He snapped shut his little torch and began to write on his note-pad.
�I�m prescribing a course of spectrum-based ear-drops. It�ll help dilute all shades of violet and tones of red. Take two drops in each ear every morning, and the same at night-time. She�ll build up a natural immunity over time.�
�I was worried it was ear-ache, I didn�t think that her synaesthasia was a bit sore,� said a relieved Mrs Hewitt. Dr Foster gave Aimee a lolly-pop.
�Say thank you to the doctor, Aimee,� chided Mrs Hewitt.
'T�nk you.�
Dr Foster�s next patients were Mr James and his son, Jamie.
�How can I help?� asked Dr Foster.
�My son cut his finger on the fence yesterday, when we were having a barbecue in the garden,� explained Mr James, �I was on chef-duty at the time and when Jamie ran over to show me, a drop of blood fell on the barbeque. Well, for some reason the Barbie melted.�
�Do you mind if I swab your finger, Jamie?� asked Dr Foster.
�Ok,� agreed Jamie.
Dr Foster took a small box and put it over Jamie�s finger. Quickly pressing a button, it drew a drop of blood before laying a plaster over the cut.
�There�s a good boy,� said Dr Foster as he transferred the blood to a water-filled Petri-dish and dropped a lit-match into it. The Petri-dish burst into a small flame.
�You have nothing to worry about,� said Dr Foster, �Jamie belongs to a rare blood-group which shares similar properties with petroleum. When he�s older, you should encourage Jamie to donate. In the mean time, I�m prescribing a CO2 inhaler. It�ll keep his blood emissions down and diffuse flammable gases in the arteries.�
�As long as he�s not anaemic,� joked Mr James.
Dr Foster laughed, �I saw a young girl with the same ailment last week. Just keep Jamie away from naked flames and pregnant women.�
After a short coffee-break, Mr Jones came in.
�Hello, Mr Jones, how are you?� asked Dr Foster.
�Oh, I�m fine, Dr Foster. Thanks again for those anti-biotics.�
�Not a problem, how can I help?�
�It�s my son, Nicky, he�s been a bit poorly lately. He keeps rebooting.�
�Oh dear, is Nicky with you?�
�I had to quarantine him to his hard-drive,� said Mr Jones as he pulled a floppy-disk from his pocket, �but I brought a copy of him with me.�
�Splendid,� said Dr Foster as he took Nicky from Mr Jones and put him into his computer�s floppy disk-drive.
HOW ARE YOU NICKY? typed Dr Foster.
0 1 1 0 0 1 0 replied Nicky.
Dr Foster ran a program on Nicky, until shortly a sheet of paper printed out from under his desk. Dr Foster ripped it off and consulted it.
�Oh dear. Nicky seems to have contracted w32.worm. It�s a computer virus that�s doing the rounds on the internet at the moment.�
�I�ve told him he�s too young to be surfing the internet!� fumed Mr Jones, �I�ve told him he�s not allowed until he�s ten cycles old!�
�It�s not serious,� said Dr Foster, �here�s a prescription. The chemist will give you the latest version of Norton�s Anti-virus. It�ll take a few nanoseconds to cure him.�
�That�s good,� said Mr Jones, �because he�s grounded for a day!�
Mr Jones and Nicky were Dr Foster�s last patients in the children�s surgery. His first adult patient was Ms Edwards, who gingerly stepped into his office, taking care not to trip over the door-frame, before taking a seat on the ceiling.
�Ms Edwards, what seems to be the problem?� asked Dr Foster as he craned his neck.
�It�s my feet, Doctor, it burns when I walk on the floor,� said Ms Edwards.
Doctor Foster recommended an athlete�s foot spray, and told Ms Edwards to wear a pair of verruca socks until she could see a chiropodist.
After Ms Edwards, he then treated a dog that had been bit by a man. He gave him a tetanus and an anti-rabies shot.
Mrs Suggins complained that she could see through walls when she squinted. Dr Foster instructed her to see an optician about a pair of lead-lenses.
Mr Cloud was under the weather. Dr Foster suspected it was pollution and gave him an injection of noble gases.
It was Dr Foster�s last case of the day, and possibly the strangest.
A parent brought his little girl into the office. The girl�s arm was in a sling.
�Hello, Doctor Foster, I�m Ben Stiles and this is Bobby,� introduced Mr Stiles, �thank you for seeing us on such short-notice.�
�That�s ok. Anything to help. What happened?�
�I think she broke her arm skipping,� answered Mr Stiles.
�Oh dear,� said Dr Foster, �let me take a look.�
Dr Foster gently stretched and twisted Bobby�s arm through a series of movements.
Eventually, Dr Foster took a pen from his pocket and tapped his teeth with it, before making some notes.
�Hmm, unusual. Bobby, do you have rubber or metal bones?�
�Nuh-uh,� said Bobby as she scratched her bandaged arm.
�Is your skeleton kept separate from your body?�
�Nuh-uh�
�External nervous system?�
Bobby shrugged her shoulders. Mr Stiles awkwardly looked around the office.
�Umm, Doctor, I think it�s just � broken,� shuffled Mr Stiles.
�I can�t confirm without an x-ray,� said Dr Foster, �but I�ve never seen a case so � unusual before. I�m sending Bobby to the special ward at the hospital. Frankly, I�m not equipped for cases like this.�
After Mr Stiles and Bobby left, Dr Foster closed his office for the day. The NHS doesn�t see cases like that everyday, he thought, before he stretched his wings and flew home.
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