PLANET FICTION
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THE JUSTICE CABINET OF EXTRA-ORDINARY MPS!
The sun was shining, the birds were singing, white clouds danced softly in the sky and Tony Blair was in Number 10. As he sorted through his daily bags of fan-mail, a heavy parcel fell out. Opening it, Tony discovered an unlabelled video-tape. After dismissing his secretary from the room, he called her back in for instruction on how the VCR worked. After dismissing her for a second time, Tony sat back and watched.
�Look of horror, shocked countenance!� cried Tony as the tape finished. �Vigilant frown, this looks like a job and/or duty for �
THE JUSTICE CABINET OF EXTRA-ORDINARY MPS!
Having run into his closet and back out again, Tony, now dressed in tight blue tights and cape of truthfulness, was: PM-Man! Practising a couple of his patented hand-chops and pithy sound-bites, he picked up the emergency red-phone and called �
�Scoff-scoff, He�s back? Scoff-scoff. I�m on my way!� mumbled John Prescott as he closed his mobile-phone. �Scoff, waitress, make that second breakfast to go, scoff-scoff, the country needs � Fat-Man!�
The illegal immigrants watched in awe as their smugglers were beaten and kicked by the mysterious man in scarlet pyjamas. One of the smugglers tried to creep up behind him, but the scarlet-man somersaulted over him and waylaid him with a mighty spinning-kick. Once all the smugglers were all unconscious, the scarlet-man stood before the frightened immigrants, his arms akimbo and a plaid-tie wrapped around his eyes.
�Don�t worry, my illegal friends,� said David Blunkett aka Dare-David! �I�ll have you back to your war-torn and disease-ridden countries in a jiffy.� The scarlet-avenger�s mobile began to ring. �As soon as I take this phone-call.�
*
The Justice Cabinet of extraordinary MPs were assembled in the Common-Cave, deep below the House of Commons. They grimly watched the video-tape on the Crisis-Monitor.
On the screen was a cavern chipped into the side of a craggy, snow-topped mountain. A dark figure lurked within its shadows, laughing menacingly � �Mwahahaha Jihad!�
�Stern face; it�s definitely him,� said PM-Man, as he viciously chopped the air with his manicured hand.
�Scoff-scoff, my amazing powers of bull-shit have pin-pointed his co-ordinates, scoff-scoff,� gruffed John Prescott, now garbed in his lime-green track-suit and matching cowl.
�And my hyper-senses can hear him talking in his filthy terrorist cave now,� said Blunkett, the blind Dare-David.
�Questioning face; what is he saying?�
�Mwahahahaha � hahahaha!� quoted Dare-David.
�Pant pant, can I come too?� said a voice from the entrance to the Common-Cave.
PM-Man whistled, �Come here, boy!�
Fat-Man groaned, �Scoff, does he have to come?�
PM-Man�s faithful side-kick ran to his master�s side and panted in earnest. PM-Man ruffled his eager companion�s hair. �Smiley face, who�s a good Ali? You are, yes you are!� Tony turned to Budget-Hunter, �Stern face. Yes, he does have to come, John. You know I never go anywhere without my - Spin Wonder!�
�Heroic look; to the Election-Wagon!�
*
The courageous Trio, and Alistair Campbell, stood outside the terrorist�s cave.
�Holy referendum, PM, do you think he�s really in there?� panted the Spin-Wonder.
�I sense someone approaching,� said Dare-David.
�Scoff-scoff, be quiet, scoff-scoff,� grunted Fat-Man.
�Mwahahaha,� floated the evil cackle as a shadowy-figure came to the cave�s entrance.
�Shock, bewilderment; it�s not Osama!� cried PM-Man.
�You�re right,� gulped Dare-David. �I sense the evil presence of � �
�Me! Mwahahahaha,� cried the evil voice, �Michael Howard! Leader of the Shadow Cabinet of Evil! Mwahahaha!�
�Scoff-scoff, let me defeat him with my powers of obesity,� growled Fat-Man.
�Stay back! Mwahahaha!� cackled the Shadow-Leader as he pulled from his cape � a CD.
�Questioning frown, is that what I think it is?� trembled PM-Man.
�Mwahahaha! Indeed!� cried the Shadow-Leader as he raised the CD to the air so the light sparkled off its edges. �It�s - the truth and the entire world will know it � in 45 minutes!�
�Holy dossier!� screamed the Spin-Wonder, �even I can�t sex that up!�
�Scoff-scoff, and my mastery of pies couldn�t even begin to consume the truth.�
�I can�t see any way out of this situation. My senses tell me that we are beaten and our crusade against crime and student-benefits has ended.�
�Mwahahaha! Not even mighty Lord Hutton can save you now!� cackled the Shadow-Leader.
PM-Man was defeated. Even his mighty dodging-powers were no use to him now.
�Don�t be so shure,� drawled a voice as a man wearing a star-spangled cape and a cow-boy hat appeared on the scene.
�Who dares? Mwahaha!� nervously cackled the evil conservative.
�Joyful face, happy dance; it�s the Justice Cabinet�s oldest ally � The Bush Bomber!�
�Shit back, Tee-Bee, me anh mah dadhy�s oily-moneyh will de-intensify this predicuation,� called the Bush Bomber as he hurled wads of durty cash at the evil Shadow-Leader.
�Curses! Mwahaha! Excessive money! The only thing that can hide the truth.� The Shadow-Leader fled from the awesome might of the Justice Cabinet. �I�ll be back in the next election! Mwahaha!� the cowardly Conservative Leader cried as he ran over the horizon.
The Dare-David mistakenly shook the Texan�s leg, �Good to see you again, Bush Bomber.�
�Aww, shucks,� blushed the American as he mock-punched PM-Man, �wherever there�sh terror, the Bush Bomber is alwaysh there.�
The Bush Bomber prepared to embark his nuclear-equipped plane. �Remember, the Justice Cabinet can alwaysh rely on the Confederacies of the Statesh of United America. I musht go now, the bombs of peace musht fall - Hi-ho away!� cried the Bush Bomber as he flew back to the greatest place on earth (Disneyland).
�Scoff-scoff, close margin there, PM-Man,� mumbled Fat-Man.
�Grave face, momentous statement. Today, we have truly thrown a punch in the name of peace.�
PM-Man�s emergency belt-buckle began to flash.
�Holy BBC! What is it, PM?� yelped the Spin-Wonder.
PM-Man consulted his information-relaying trouser-support.
�Furious face, angry-hand gestures. It�s Cherie � she�s in trouble!�
�Is it the Lib Dem�s?� questioned Dare-David.
�Scoff-scoff, fashion-advisors?� guessed Fat-Man.
�Holy Muslims!� piped the Spin-Wonder.
�Shock, horror, its worse - she�s bought more dodgy property!�
Will PM-Man fire Cherie from her position as wife?
Stay tuned, same Party-Time, same Party-Channel.
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