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"SIMply Retarded" Since it's release back in whenever the hell it was released, The Sims has been a critical and commercial hit. What's that? You have a life outside of your basement, and have absolutely no clue what I'm talking about? Well, The Sims is a computer "game" (and I use the term loosely) that attempts to simulate the lives of any little people you decide to create. Basically, it boils down to an electronic doll house for computer nerds. All kinds of insanely dull events such as feeding your fish, taking out the garbage, and doing dishes, are a part of the overall experience this high tech sandbox offers you. Sure, it's a clever idea on paper, but who in their right fucking mind would actually play this game? An exceptionally huge assload of people, apparently. I take it none of you morons have heard of real games like Doom, Doom II: Hell on Earth, and Doom III: The Dooming of Doomnitude. No, I suppose that would be asking too much, now wouldn't it? The Sims and it's plethora of hastily thrown together, cash cow milking expansions have remained at the tops of sales charts for a long time, surpassing the usual big sellers like Deer Hunter 6: Squeal Veal, and Who Wants To Be A Millionaire: The 'Waste Your Fucking Money On This' Edition. But why is the Sims franchise so popular? Well, because people are idiots. That, and critics have had nothing but praise to offer the game. Especially in the AI department, where people proclaim that the designers have done an incredible job of simulating the human psyche, with all it's wants and needs. Bullshit, I say. And fuck. And ass. I know lots of swear words. That's not important, though. What is important, is that I recently decided to conduct an experiment. I was curious to see if the AI that's so lovingly heralded by millions like it's the second coming of Jesus, is really as good as they say. To begin with, I had to create a virtual "family" with which to run my precision AI testing voodoo ninja psychic magic on. Not content to will into existance a bunch of typical blowhards like you, I chose instead to focus my leaky reservoir of creativity on drawing up a frightening and varied assortment of characters. After a bit of careful planning, I came up with a group of individuals who I felt would most effectively test the limits of this game's ability to simulate human emotion. Direct your eyes downward a bit, and bear witness to my menagerie of hilariousness. And yes, "hilariousness" is a real word. (Ok, I lied. It isn't.)
 Cindy McFadden: Cindy is the official town slut of Simtown. Every town has one. My town's slut is either Jessie the not so well-endowed stripper, or that girl back in school that we called "hotdog". I'll bet even your town has one, unless you live in the same town that the Pope lives in. I heard he doesn't take kindly to those damn sluts running around his town, carelessly wielding their beguiling charms and STDs and such. Deranged Anime Nerd: This fucking dork is a major fucking dork. As his name suggests, this fellow spends a large portion of his time obsessing over poorly animated Japanese tripe that you didn't even know existed. "Hyper Ultra Mega Moon Assault Team 32 Tentacle Horror Sex-Zoids" is among his favorites. He's also fond of grotesque hentai, but then, isn't everybody? Webster: Don't play dumb. You know exactly who Webster is, you stupid bitch. After his show went off the air some eighty years ago, he left his fake white parents behind, and decided to throw in with my cast of psychotic misfits. I always loved how he called that George dude "Sir". That's a lot of fucking respect to give to someone who looks like an ugly, less successful Mike Ditka. Grim Reaper: The Grim Reaper deals in the business of collecting souls. That means he basically kills people for a living. So you probably don't want to hang around with this guy very often, unless you like getting killed and having your soul harvested. The Reaper is also fond of reading cook books, and watching those fucking trashy, women-empowering movies on Lifetime. Queery Queerstein: This guy is the token homosexual among my assortment of virtual guinea pigs. With introductions aside, I say it's about time we dive head first into what's sure to be yet another excessively wordy, and extremely disappointing article. Shall we? DAY 1 (Morning) After spending the first ten minutes of their virtual existance standing in the front yard and staring vacantly at the street, they shuffled inside to examine their new home. Or at least they would have, if Queery and Webster hadn't decided to stand still and block the fucking door. No problem, the other Sims just walked around the house and went in through the back door. I suppose that's a sign of incredible AI, isn't it? Within a few moments of exploring the house and all the crappy furniture I crammed inside, the Sims all broke up into small cliques, and went about their business. Grim Reaper spent a good half hour or so applauding the toilet, which must be much nicer than the ones they use in hell. I have never seen someone offer so much praise to the porcelain god. Well, I knew a girl that did once, but she was hopped up on goofballs and moon candy, or something. Anyway, Deranged Anime Nerd kinda' stood in the bathroom doorway and watched Grim Reaper do his thing. Meanwhile, Webster had to rush outside and catch the bus. You see, being a once famous, now washed up child television star doesn't absolve you of the responsibility of getting a substandard public school system education. Remember that, you snot nosed pricks. Soon, things finally started to settle down around the house as everyone grew adjusted to their new surroundings. I figured I could most accurately gauge the game's AI based on careful observations of each character's daily routine. I was dead fucking wrong. Just as soon as my experiment really got under way, that son of a bitch Queery managed to live up to his "flaming homosexual" designation by setting the fucking microwave on fire.
 Now, maybe I've just had Lady Luck on my side every day for the past 21 years, but how does one actually manage to screw up a bag of microwave popcorn so bad, that the damn appliance itself spontaneously combusts? What makes this situation even worse for Queery and company is the fact that I forgot to add a telephone when I was buying furniture for their house. In other words, the fire department will not be intervening on their behalf. At first, I was pretty pissed off by this turn of events, then I had a bit of a mad scientist-esque revelation: How better to test a Sim's ability to reason things out logically, then by setting part of his kitchen on fire?
 I settled down to study the unfolding situation carefully. Several more minutes passed, which amounts to like two hours in Sim time, and the rest of the household run in to see what's got Queery screaming like the sissy bitch he is. Needless to say, none of these fucktards have the raw talent and/or common sense necessary to put out a small fire. Or even run for that matter. They just all decided to crowd around and watch the "purdy lights".
 Boxed in to the corner by his house mates, and unable to run away from the unbelievably slowly spreading fire, poor token homosexual Queery is burned alive. Perhaps if the other Sims had known him for more than an hour, he would've been missed. That, and maybe if he hadn't been the one to sign all their death warrants by setting the kitchen on fire in the first place. Stuff like that has a tendency to piss other people off. I'm speaking from experience here.
 A few more of what felt like hours passed, and the next victim of the "Horribly Unstoppable al Qaeda Microwave Fire Attack of 2002" is none other than the beloved Deranged Anime Nerd. Also, make note of the neighbor from down the street who didn't bother to call the fire department from her own house, before running over to watch mine burn down. Bitch.
 Apparently satisfied with the role he played in the deaths of several of his house mates, Grim Reaper decides to return to hell and collect his pay check via an infernal portal through time and space. Either that, or those musty robes he insists on wearing around the house caught fire. I'm not quite sure, but it kind of looks like he's flipping me off too. Ha ha! You were always my favorite, Grim Reaper. You will be sorely missed, until I delete this game from my hard drive and shatter the disc, in exactly five minutes from now.
 And here's where things go from humorous to a tiny bit more humorous. Our young scholar Webster has returned home from his first day at school, just in time to watch the last remaining house member, Cindy the SimSlut, going up in flames. How traumatic an experience is that? Now I bet he's glad he went to school, instead of hanging around with these stupid white folks.
 This moment is easily the best example of AI put forth by this stupid game. Webster, apparently the only character under the influence of any sort of logic algorithms, decides to, get this: RUN AWAY FROM THE FUCKING HOUSE, BEFORE BEING BURNED ALIVE. Either that, or he's running to insure that any sort of arson investigation doesn't pin him as a prime suspect in this "accident". Now that's using your limited assortment of scripted responses to the fullest effect! In summary, I have determined that this entire game is total garbage. Left to their own will, Sims will go out of their way to horribly murder everyone in the entire neighborhood. Anyone looking to waste their money would be better off avoiding this game and donating their cash to me. I'll make you a lame banner in Photoshop, and send you an autographed, half eaten bag of Skittles if you do. Seriously. KTHXBYE.
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