"Proof of Christ - Buddha Speaks Out"
Jasie Handles Religion With The Delicacy Of A (Non-Gay) Pro Wrestler
October 22nd, 2002

Those who know me are well aware of the fact that I'm not a very religious person. As in, I tend to laugh at overly religious people because, well, I'm a mean guy, and I think putting your faith in something intangible is fucking stupid. If you've got faith to waste, at least invest that shit into something cool. Something like comic books. Chicks dig comic book geeks, so your investment will quite possibly bring you opportunities for sex.

Back to my original point, though. Recently, several high ranking archaeologists and researchers have been batting around the theory that an ossuary, or "bone box" purchased by an antiques collector about 15 years ago, may in fact have originally belonged to James, the brother of Jesus Christ. Now, I spent a grand total of seven years in a Catholic school, enduring all the parables that I could possibly stand, and I never once remember hearing that Jesus had a brother. Of course, I wasn't actually listening at the time, because I was far more engrossed in drawing various members of the once highly popular, unsanctioned martial arts group known as the "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" all over my homework. So I don't know. I guess Jesus must have had a brother. I don't really care.

Anyway, I wasn't quite sure what to make of this whole thing, so I decided it would be best to bring in an expert in the field of theology. Since Allah is currently whipping up his Islamic drones into a white-people-slaughtering fury, I went with the only other god that I remember learning about on "Heathen Day" back in grade school: Buddha. Even though he's a major player in the world of religion, he graciously took time out of his otherwise busy schedule, so that I could conduct a brief interview with him. What follows is the transcript. Enjoy, kiddies!

Jasie: "How's it going, dude?"

Buddha: "Greetings to you, inquisitive one. What is it you wish to speak to the Buddha about?"

Jasie: "Well, actually I wanted to- Wait. Did you just refer to yourself in the third person?"

Buddha: "Indeed, young one. The Buddha always refers to himself in such a manner. Such a thing is only natural when one exists beyond the reaches of time and space, in a simultaneous blend of formless eternity and temporary linearity."

Jasie: "Right. You smoke weed too, huh?"

Buddha: "The Buddha does not understand your inquiry."

Jasie: "I'll take that as a "yes". Anyway, what do you make of this whole ossuary thing? I mean, Jesus has to be like your biggest competitor, and this could possibly be concrete evidence of his existence."

Buddha: "The Buddha does not believe in a competition between himself and the pantheon of deities that you mortals embrace. Many of them represent similar goals and ideals. They merely take a variety of forms."

Jasie: "What the hell are you talking about? That answer was a copout if I've ever heard one. Of all the religious players floating around, Jesus gets the most game time by far, which leaves you resting your fat ass on the bench almost all season. That has to at least annoy you."

Buddha: "Perhaps it is unknown to you, young one, but the Buddha has a large number of followers throughout the world. While possibly not the most "popular" deity among his peers, the Buddha is hardly an unrecognized figure. Your statement is unfounded."

Jasie: "Yeah, but that's mostly in third world countries. If I went over to India with a truck full of Happy Meals and started handing them out, the people there would fucking worship me too."

Buddha: "The Buddha's children are not surrounded by poverty, as you seem to believe. They have merely rejected the poisonous concepts and influences that are currently corrupting the western world. Free of the spiritual pollutants that run rampant among your culture, the Buddha's children are able to seek, and eventually attain, true enlightenment."

Jasie: "Ok. Don't start on that "I despise America because they're technologically superior to my backwater country" shit. We get enough of that from the god damn British. I hate that shit."

Buddha: "You have misconstrued what the Buddha meant, young one. He merely-"

Jasie: "We also have better hygiene than those filthy Brits, but that's neither here nor there."

Buddha: ...

Jasie: "What? Huh? What's your fucking problem now?"

Buddha: "Perhaps it is time for the Buddha to go."

Jasie: "Now you're gonna' walk out on me, huh? I see how it is."

Buddha: "The Buddha believes this conversation has gone on for too long."

Jasie: "Blah, blah, fucking blah. You've got to be the lamest god I've ever seen. At least Jesus has his priests pass out some snacks during church. You just let your people drink the same water their cows bathe in, before they starve, or die from gonorrhea and stuff."

Buddha: "That is quite enough. If you are ever able to cast aside your anger and wish to truly seek enlightenment, then you will be more than welcome to speak with the Buddha again."

Jasie: "Yeah, well when you're ready to pull your head out of your ass and talk honestly, you give me a call."

As you can see, this hard-hitting discussion didn't really do much to answer my questions about the ossuary, or the possibility that it may be the first piece of real evidence (the Bible doesn't fucking count) that Jesus Christ actually existed. What I did discover, is that underneath his peaceful, and slightly feminine demeanor, Buddha is a real pansy ass who bails out of any conversation the instant it turns sour. Either way, I think this article turned out pretty good. Now it's time to go get drunk, and pass out in a dumpster behind Walmart. Goodnight, everybody!