Friday, October 10th, 2003
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All across this great country (I'm referring to the United States here, so fuck off Canada) people both young and old love to go out on Friday evenings such as this one, and spend some time at the local movie theater. From the lowliest high school dropouts to the CEOs of major corporations, eveybody enjoys brushing reality aside and spending some time in front of the ol' silver screen on occasion. Hell, even dangerously unsocial misfits like me love going to the theater. Especially when I'm trying to watch a movie and some teenage whore with three wretched smelling kids next to her is sitting right behind me, yapping endlessly into her Nokia about how if Ricky is out with Lakeesha tonight, she's gonna' whup that skank's ass. As annoying as that may be, I bear no hard feelings toward the talkative bitch in question; just like those heart-disease bound tubs of pale shit who spill their beer on you while you're at a baseball game, it's all part of the experience.

Unlike most Friday nights, when the only movies playing at the theater are "Teenybopper Crap" and "Fucking Garbage: Reloaded", tonight marks the debut of Quentin Tarantino's new martial arts homage film, "Kill Bill Volume 1". Being a fan of Tarantino's work, naturally I found myself quite interested in going to see the aforementioned film. Unfortunately for me, however, I'm completely broke. So instead of witnessing what could quite possibly be one of the best films of all time (what with Tarantino being fucking brilliant and all), I'm stuck at home doing nothing. I find myself thoroughly disgruntled because of this twist of fate. And on top of that my brain, which has joined forces with the Tequila I just ingested, is urging me to waste my evening bitching about something. What better to focus on than a movie firmly planted on the opposite end of the spectrum from "Kill Bill"? What's that? Somebody actually made a movie about all of those House of the Dead videogames? Well, this should tide me over until I'm sober enough to play Metroid Prime.

I spent about ten minutes at Yahoo! movies looking up information on "The House of the Dead", or as I prefer to call it, "Yo, dude... what would happen if a handful of radical bitchin' ravers were trapped on an island full of zombies and shit? Yo, wouldn't that fuckin' rule and shit?" and I have to say that I'm horribly disappointed. Essentially this flick capitalizes on the extremely dopetastic elements of raver culture, such as:

• glow sticks

• a bunch of sweaty fucktards spasmodically vibrating and pretending it's dancing

• shitty music

• fake blood

• a bunch of rotting corpses spasmodically shambling around and eating brains

• shitty music

Wednesday, October 8th, 2003
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By now even the most ignorant Bushmen living deep within the heart of Africa have been notified that a portion of the source code for the upcoming computer game "Half-Life 2" has been hijacked by a stealthy, clever, and above all geeky villain who clearly gained the motivation for this caper from an episode of the 1960's Batman television series. Adam West couldn't be reached for comment, but Gabe Newell, the head honcho and mandatory pasty white guy over at Valve Software had this to say: "If you have information about the denial of service attacks or the infiltration of our network, please send the details... We at Valve have always thought of ourselves as being part of a community, and I can't imagine a better group of people to help us take care of these problems than this community."

Not since I tied that one dame to a segment of railroad track and stroked my handlebar mustache menacingly have I heard such a stirring cry for help. We here at the Liquid Fluff offices, meaning me here at my girlfriend's computer, have always been a friend and ally of the videogame industry. Therefore, I am compelled by some undefinable urge to step forward and assist the victims at Valve in their quest to hunt down and violently murder the fiend who perpetrated this horrible act. Oh, by the way, I'm pretty sure that urge has to be hunger, because I just masturbated about twenty minutes ago and I know I'm not horny. But I digress.

After spending some time digging up all the files relevant to this caper and feeding them into the McGruff Crime Tracker Supercomputer I built out of an old Etch 'a' Sketch and some empty soup cans, I've assembled a list of the most likely suspects. Rest assured, the proper authorities have been alerted, and Detectives Morgan Freeman and Brad Pitt are on their way to seek out and apprehend these individuals before they have a chance to steal anymore source code or feed another obese man an insane amount of spaghetti just to prove he's a gluttonous fatball.

Primary Suspect: John Carmack
Current Profession: Code Monkey/Aerospace Genius
Known Aliases: "Black Jesus", "Not John Romero" and "Who the fuck is this dude in the picture with Trent Reznor and Robin Williams?"

Among the three suspects belched out by the McGruff Crime Tracker, John Carmack is considered to be the one most likely to have stolen the HL2 source code. As the primary man responsible for dragging masses of acne ridden computer nerds kicking and screaming into the frighteningly pixelated world of first person shooters via the "Doom" series of games, it's not unreasonable to believe that in an effort to guarantee greater sales of his upcoming project "Doom III", he would be willing to cause Valve's oft-delayed masterpiece to... have a little accident. You know what I mean... an "accident". Yeah. That kind.

Secondary Suspect: Adolph Hitler
Current Profession: L33t Hacker/Archrival of Indiana Jones
Known Aliases: "Der Fuhrer" and "OMG d00d u just pwned liek 6 million j00z!!"

At first this particular suspect seems like an obvious mistake, mostly due to the fact that Hitler killed himself over ten thousand years ago. However, I am sad to report that Hitler in fact never committed suicide during World War II. Rather, he was captured by the Allied forces and frozen in Carbonite for the long trip back to Tatooannie and the waiting clutches of Pizza the Hutt. Alas, he was freed by an unknown bounty hunter wielding a Thermal Emancipator, and he's been living in his mother's basement ever since. An extensive amount of time spent with various haxx0rs, who seemingly prefer to congregate in Yahoo Chatrooms, has imbued Hitler with the knowledge necessary to swipe the HL2 source code out from beneath Valve's collective nose.

Tertiary Suspect: Gollum
Current Profession: Tour Guide for the Hobbits/Comic Relief
Known Aliases: "Smeagol", "Starvin Marvin" and "Ally McBeal".

Actually, the McGruff Crime Tracker suggested those dudes from that movie "Ocean's Eleven" for the third entry on this list, but I replaced them with Gollum from "The Lord of the Rings", because I know that scrawny motherfucker is a little thief. How do I know? Well, this one time, I made myself a ham sandwich, right? And I left it on the kitchen counter for a minute when I went to go take a piss, right? So just in case, I left a note by the sandwich that said, "Don't eat this shit". Anyway, when I got back out of the bathroom, I found the note crumpled up on the floor, and someone had taken a big fucking bite out of my sandwich! The way I figure, it was either my dog Conan who bit into my lunch, or Gollum. So, I took Conan out back and shot him, and now I need to find Gollum and shoot him too, just to make sure. Assholes.

And there you have it. Hopefully these dastardly hoodlums can be brought to justice for the crimes they've committed against not only Gabe Newell and the folks at Valve Software, but also the rest of humanity as well. And my fucking sandwich too.