Thursday, January 2nd, 2003
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Along with the new year, comes a new batch of fans who have sworn allegiance to my site, and all of the awesome hilarity that exists within it's boundaries. Today I received an email from this obviously devoted Liquid Fluff reader:

Hi,

First, I want to wish you a very Happy New Year of course. I hope all your wishes may come true.

I will keep this short, I don�t want to bother you too much. My name is Mike Temmerman. I am a student. I am sending you this letter to ask you for help. It is very hard for me to do this, but I have no other possibility anymore. My parents don�t have the means to let me continue my college. I have two more years to go, but I am out of money. I have a small job, but I don�t make enough money to pay for the tuition. That is why I am begging you for help.

I depend totally on gifts of people now. No matter how little you give, it will be a step further towards my graduation, and I want to thank you already so much for your kind gift. If you only gave 50 cents, that is alright too. I am glad with everything people give me now, because I am getting desperate. I have a paypal account on www.paypal.com; it works like a bank, and is as safe as a bank; it is completely free, that is why I could afford to go there of course.

I hope you will be so kind to give a small donation to [email protected] so I can continue to study.

May God bless you

Sincerely

Mike Temmerman

Now, I'm not the unsympathetic asshole that I appear to be. Poor Mike's letter touched me in a place that hasn't been touched in years. A place that wasn't my crotch. Ok, for clarity's sake, it was my heart. Anyway, I took it upon myself to reply to Mike Temmerman, via this email:

What's up, Mike?

Thank you for the courtesy of wishing me a happy New Year. Unfortunately for myself, it has been anything but happy.

You see, right around midnight on December 31st, 2002, my girlfriend and I were watching a New Year's Eve Bash on television. Toward the end of this aforementioned bash, a group of Chippendale's male dancers performed an erotic, hip-pumpingly awesome dance number. Eventually, their terrific physiques and large units won my girlfriend over, and she proceeded to pack up her bags and leave me, in order to pursue a relationship with them. Understand that I hold no ill feelings toward her because of this, though. I mean, let's be honest, I would have sex with those hunky studs too, if they would give it up for me.

On top of that, about fifteen minutes ago, my dog urinated upon my stack of collector's edition Superman comics, before jumping out of the open window of my fifth floor apartment, and uncerimoniously splattering himself all over the sidewalk. Needless to say, my apartment manager is now pissed at me because of that.

As you can plainly see, your email of good tidings has been the highpoint of my entire year, and quite possibly, my whole meager existance. You are truly my best friend, Mike. Unfortunately, I regret to inform you that I can't donate any money to your college education fund, because I make it a rule to never give money out to friends, and I would hate to destroy our relationship over something as trivial as very, very valuable green paper adorned with the heads of long deceased democratic leaders. Sorry, bro.

Signed,

Your Best Friend Who Would Offer You One Of His Lungs If You Needed A Lung Transplant,

Jasie

P.S. - If you ever get invited to a kegger, could I come with you? If your sorority girl friends think I'm too creepy to hang around with, I could always stand outside and stare desperately at their perky, young breasts from a nearby window or something. Maybe you could coax them into jumping up and down a lot. Would that be cool?

I would appreciate it if you, the people out there reading this correspondence, would assist your fellow Liquid Fluff reader Mike Temmerman, with a monetary donation. Although, I would appreciate it a whole lot fucking more, if instead, you would send that money to me. I'm so poor that I can't even afford to look at a college campus! Can't you hear those violins playing? Oh my, there's a river of tears running through the apartment now. Woe is me.