Wednesday, February 19th, 2003
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Some of the more astute Liquid Fluff geeks (ie: the dude that wrote in yesterday) may be wondering why the usually overwhelming flow of articles and reviews that this site is famous for, has all but dried up. The answer to that is quite simple: I suck at writing. Oh, and I've run out of any sort of decent subject material, too. And, to make matters worse, a gang of midgets snuck into my apartment last night, and broke all of my fingers. I'm typing all of this via the tedious, yet surprisingly entertaining, "pencil-between-teeth" method. Honestly.

Rest assured that I'm still trying to honor my semi-sacred oath of semi-consistent updates. Now leave me alone. The fatherly-toned voice that I hear drifting from the TV belongs to none other than Bob Barker, which signifies that "The Price is Right" has once again come on, thereby allowing me to escape the awkward hell that my life has become, for about 45 glorious minutes (commerical breaks not included). Adios, suckers.

Tuesday, February 18th, 2003
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"You've got mail!"

No, I'm not referring to that horseshit movie starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. I'm subtly alluding to the fact that one of you loveable scamps has sent me an email! This one came to me courtesy of one of the millions of drones that were introduced to the internet by everyone's favorite service provider/megacorporation that has a secret agenda involving world domination, AOL. When I first gazed upon the sender's address, "[email protected]" I dreaded to read what was sure to be a ridiculous email that had typos literally pouring out of it's ass. But then I caught the subject heading: "You rock my world, just like Michael Jackson", and I knew everything would be alright. Anyway, here goes:

Hanging babies off of ledges, putting blankets over their faces, even so as to call your own home, "Neverland", you never cease to amaze me.

For those Liquid Fluff readers who haven't been around as long as this fanatical individual, I have to admit that I've been known to dabble in a little baby hanging from time to time. I suppose it sounds barbaric, seeing as how I dangle babies from ledges and all, but it's actually very therapeutic. I also tend to drape small blankets over their cute little faces when I dangle them, because it helps to muffle their constant crying. Nothing ruins a good old fashioned baby hanging session quite like when your baby won't stop screaming. I don't know where this guy got that bit about me calling my apartment "Neverland", though, because that's entirely false.

Jasie, you must update more, and I will always stay where I am: Your one-person fan-base.

Well, anonymous internet dweller, I would like to update more, but I'm afraid I just don't have the time for it. Now, I suppose I could waste my time explaining in excessively verbose detail just what could possiblly be more important than my website, but visual aids make shit like this a lot less boring. Therefore, I present to you this chart, which accurately depicts what is most necessary to my existence. Take a look!

Yes, i just used two '-'s in one 6-syllable sentence. Also, I don't know what a '-' is called.

You, sir, are a god damn idiot. Everyone knows that those are called straight-line-thing-that-connects-two-or-more-words-together-to-form-a-nonsensical-phrase-anyway-keep-reading-because-here-comes-a-dirty-word-vagina. Try reading a book sometime, dumbass.

Am I mentally retarded, or just mentally ill?

So, is that a trick question? What difference does it make? Either way, you're dramatically inferior to the majority of the world's population, who is, in turn, dramatically inferior to me.

You be the judge, and tell Judy to fuck off.

I worked with a lady named Judy once. She was married to a mexican guy, but that's no reason to tell her to fuck off. Do you have a thing against mexicans, or something? Did a gang of mexicans drag you into a bathroom at Taco Bell and rough your white ass up something fierce? Why are you so hostile? Have a burrito and calm the fuck down, gringo.

Jasie, go fuck a cow.

Keep going. Nothing turns me on quite like the idea of bovine intercourse, which is why wild sex with your mother is so damn good. Ha! Didn't think I'd drag your mother into this, did you?

Hate,

Oh, come on. Don't be like that. Where's the fucking love?

Some fat dude wearing a thong.

Don't you hate how those ride up your ass?

Friday, February 7th, 2003
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Wow. For the first time since, well, ever, I accomplished something that I said I would do. Sort of. To be honest, I had this review about 95% complete over two months ago, I just never bothered to finish it up, until today. Procrastination kicks ass! Yeah! Pelvic thrusts for everybody!

Thursday, February 6th, 2003
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In an effort to regain the fanbase that rebelled against me during my extended leave of absence, I'm trying my hardest to update Liquid Fluff every day. Wipe that hopeful smile off your face, my friend. Just because I intend to (maybe) update daily (possibly), it doesn't mean that there's going to be any quality embedded in the trash I write. It'll be the same old useless banter that you've come to know and love, or acknowledge and despise, depending on your taste in reading material.

As the more intelligent readers may or may not have already discerned, the entire previous paragraph was pretty much filler that serves no genuine purpose. I like filler that serves no genuine purpose because it not only makes it look like I've written more than I have, but it also casts me in a more intelligent light. I'm also quite fond of big words, and an excessive use of adjectives, for those exact same reasons. Only highly intellectual people write long, flowing sentences that make use of large words and a plethora of unnecessary adjectives. Cool, huh?

That second paragraph was filler too. See how easy that works? Now it looks like I wrote an incredible update, and it took me all of, maybe, five minutes to do. On to real news now: I dropped the "Royal Tenenbaums" review from my movie section. Census results say that readers typically don't like reviews that consist of genital brutalizing, so Donkey Kong (the secretary of Liquid Fluff's "Office of Obscurity") felt it would be in our best interest to remove that review, which, honestly, was a showcase of genital brutality. So that drops the number of movie reviews on this site down to one. I plan to remedy that soon. I might even go so far as to have a movie review up tomorrow. And yet another one the day after that.

Of course, I always have the option of discarding those ideas in favor of laying on the couch, watching "The Jerry Springer Show" and picking lint out of my belly button. We'll see.

Wednesday, February 5th, 2003
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It never ceases to amaze me how times change. One moment you're riding high on a tidal wave of popularity due entirely to your wildly successful website, and the next minute, you're watching "Family Feud" and pondering just how many Starbursts you can eat, before you vomit up your own intestines in a colorful, yet grim, fruit-flavored display.

You see, boys and girls, until recently, I was that person so subtly hinted at in the previous paragraph. And then, for some reason that's best left to the imagination, I got off my ass, went upstairs, and started putzing with my site again. Behold, the slightly modified Liquid Fluff. The colors are dramatically less grayscale than their previous incarnations, the music section is gone, and everything else is a bit more organized. Along with these new changes, there's a brand new Jasie section, just begging to be read. I'm also glad to say that you, my loyal fans, can once again look forward to new articles, movie and game reviews whenever I get around to them.

Anyway, it's good to be back where I belong, amongst the geeks who, out of something that I'm pretty sure is desperation and loneliness, call the internet home. Of course, when I say "good", I mean it in a relative manner. Example:

In closing, I swear upon almighty Allah's Scimitar of White People Cleaving +1 that I will never again let an entire month go by without updating, unless I'm dead. Or in jail. Or both.