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"Movies With Sucknitude" It's a known fact that, other than how far special effects have come, movies have pretty much been on the decline for a long time. Of course, there is the occasional film that comes along and gives me hope for the future, but those are few and far between. For every "American History X", "Unbreakable" and "Fight Club", there are a dozen more that resemble such brain smouldering fare as "Corky Romano", "Legally Blonde" and "Vanilla Sky". In case you aren't catching my drift, it makes my head hurt to think about what kind of retarded bastards would not only watch, but actually enjoy such trash. Since my opinion means everything to you people, I have taken it upon myself to provide you with ample warning for the next wave of films destined to draw in millions of dollars, only because idiots are allowed to breed, and then go watch movies with their cursed offspring. Feel free to ignore this article, but don't say I never do anything for you.
"The Country Bears" Attempts to Capitalize on: Oddly disturbing bears and kids that love oddly disturbing bears. Sucknitude Rating: Pretty damn bad. I've had the displeasure of witnessing commercials promoting this bad acid trip turned Disney flick on numerous occasions. Let it be known that it always takes an excessive amount of willpower on my part to not scoop out my eyeballs with a spoon, soak them in gasoline, and set them on fire. Regardless, I actually know nothing about the movie's plot, other than it involves anthropomorphic bears who I'm going to assume are from some sort of country. Most likely Russia. I don't know. Recently my brother and I carried on a brief conversation about our own "Director's Kut" of The Country Bears. Take note, this is what sleep deprivation does to people. Jasie: "I don't think a movie about bears is complete without a large assortment of bear traps." Jon: "Yeah. At the end of the movie, I think a hunter should walk on screen and blast all of the Country Bears with a shotgun." Jasie: "How about, when he goes to leave, he gets his foot caught in a bear trap and has to shoot it off with his shotgun in order to hobble away. Oh, the irony." Jon: "And then as he's leaving, a bear will run on screen and tackle him." Jasie: "A real bear?" Jon: "Yes. The hunter will have to use his shotgun to kill the real bear." Jasie: "Hmmm... And we could call it 'The Kountry Bears'. You know, with a K instead of a C." Jon: "This will be the greatest movie since Fight Club." I then proceeded to punch him in the eye for even thinking about mentioning the ultra-legendary "Fight Club" in the same sentence as our piddly remake of The Country Bears. The point of all this? Don't see the damn movie.
"Like Mike" Attempts to Capitalize on: The most fucking retarded idea for a movie I've ever heard. Sucknitude Rating: Suicide inducing. This destined to go nowhere movie stars the rap sensation Lil' Bow Wow, or as I've taken to calling him, "Lil' Gimmick Based Pawn of the Record Companies". Let's get something straight: The movie is based around a what if premise of a Gatorade commercial slogan from before this kid was fucking born. If this movie is a success, I'm going to follow in their footsteps with a porno movie based around the Nike slogan "Just Do It". It will have guest appearances from several famous rappers, most notably those guys who use the phrase "Bling Bling" in their songs. I will make millions, and use my newly acquired fortune to fund my own personal army, before conquering the world. My first order of business as Supreme Master of the Universe will be to destroy every last remaining copy of Like Mike, and have all the people who willingly saw the movie dragged out into the street and shot. Then perhaps I will begin production of a new film, "Just Do It 2: Obligatory Sequel".
"The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course" Attempts to Capitalize on: An idea even more fucktarded than the one for "Like Mike". Sucknitude Rating: I'm this much closer to putting "Operation: Nuke Australia" into effect. Oh, look! That one dipshit who has a show on Animal Planet that everyone watches, when they're not too busy doing the Macarena and saying, "Is that your final answer"! Yeah, I'm looking at you, bandwagon fucktards. You helped make this god damn movie. Just like with Tom Green. I hate you people. From the bits and pieces of the plot I've gathered, when I'm not busy questioning humanity, it seems that your favorite Aussie is doing pretty much exactly what he does in his retarded show, only now you have to pay to see the damn thing. It's rumored that Steve Irwin never even saw a script for this movie, because the director was going for the incredibly unfunny spontaneity of the lame ass television show they used for source material. Well, they said it in a more cheerful manner, but it's safe to say that's what the results of this braindead Hollywood excursion will be.
And that does it for this article. There's still a whole assload of other movies that deserve the treatment I've given these three, but I'm getting pretty lazy right now. That, and chances are you stopped reading before the end of the first paragraph. Either way, go to hell. KTHXBYE.
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