"Jasie Versus The Internet"
Jasie fucking hates you guys so much.
September 29th, 2003

Those of you for whom the ability to read is not considered an elusive talent reserved for the likes of wizards and Stephen Hawking have probably noticed an alarming trend: over the course of the last year or so, my articles and banter in general have been far less brutal and witty. And you're absolutely right. You see, I recently spent some time reading over my assembled collection of literary works, and I too have noticed a decline in comments meant to hurt people's feelings. I blame this on the increase of estrogen in my living environment, because this whole softening up of my personality seemingly coincides with the point in time in which I moved in with my girlfriend. Now normally that wouldn't bother me much at all, but obviously it's having an adverse affect on my website shenanigans. What used to be the most vitriol loaded collection of zeros and ones on the internet has been reduced to a showcase of Photoshop images crafted by someone who could only be described as irreverent, at best. Like Bart Simpson on valium, maybe. That cannot be allowed. In an effort to reclaim my original demeanor, today I dredged up the most aggressive Tool songs I could find within the depths of my derelict computer, and listened to them with concentrated anger in my heart while I stared hatefully at my penis. Now I'm pleased to say that I'm once again a raging whirlwind of testosterone ready to bust some caps in all of your bitch asses. Also, I found this bump that my weinerologist needs to look at.

To begin with, I'd like to address the limitless legions of internet nerds who find it necessary to sprinkle various emoticons and anime smiley faces into their writing the way I sprinkle commas into mine: Stop with the fucking faces already. Christ on a bike, if you're that inept at communicating via words then quit buying all of those Big Macs that you insist on pitching into your gaping maw, save your money, and buy a goddamn video telephone like they used in Back To The Future. Or better yet, stay the fuck off my internet. Yes, you read that right. My goddamn internet. If you think that 4800 bps was the beat count for a fucking Prodigy song, then you're a highly uninformed bitch who has no right to be here, and should be summarily executed for listening to Prodigy. Also, the owner of every site that you ever visited should be shot in the head simply because they were no doubt infected by your stupidity. Shit, I'd be willing to take a bullet in the skull if it would help remove the rotten vagina scented taint that the majority of the internet is plagued with. Why, you ask? Because the internet is like the son I never had. Just consider me Al Gore, except with a much bigger wang and a penchant for using words like "wang" in a non-Asian context. Besides, a few less webmasters on the internet would be about as noticeable as a mere handful of pounds shed from Louie Anderson's celestial globe of a body.

And that brings me to my next point: which one of you little peckers thought it would be cute to start the trend where everyone who has played around with Netscape Composer suddenly earns the right to call themselves a "webmaster"? Jesus Christ, doesn't anyone else smell delusions of grandeur here? Why don't you just jerk your ego off entirely and dub yourselves "Popes of the Church of Bandwidth and the L33ter Day Saints" already, you goddamn attention whores. For fuck's sake, you spend the majority of your time typing words on to the internet for geeks like yourselves to read. You're not the master of anything, except perhaps knowing how to quickly and quietly stimulate your genitals to achieve orgasm due to the fact that you have absolutely no access to anything resembling a person who would dare to have sex with you. Do you see any of the other people in your remedial math classes calling themselves "College Ruled Notebook Warlocks" simply because they're capable of putting a pencil to paper and scratching out numbers and letters? Let me just answer that question and save us both the time it would take for your two remaining brain cells to dust off the Cheeto crumbs on their shirts and get to work: No, you don't. Here's a handy quiz to determine whether you've earned the title of webmaster, or you're just some overly emotional pile of teenage angst who has far too much time on their hands and maintains a website that can safely be considered redundant when held up for comparison to the rest of the shit on the internet:

• Are you capable of manipulating lines of HTML by simply thinking about various tags?

• Are you actually earning consistent income from your little internet venture?

• Are you receiving oral sex right now as you read this?

Now if you can truthfully answer yes to all three of those questions, then congratulations. You are the Matrix. The rest of you should immediately proceed to crawl underneath your mother's dress and reinsert yourself into her womb because you should have never been born.

Finally, we come to the third entity in the trinity of internet archetypes that piss me off: the webcam whore. Many stupid people like you wrongly believe that the webcam whore is exclusively female. But you're fucking wrong, stupid. Alas, I'm not going to belt out against the male webcam whores today, because they're definitely the minority, and I feel like making fun of women instead. You see, women are by nature extremely emotional and shallow creatures; they depend upon a constant stream of forced compliments and playful glances from the opposite sex to keep them from crying their eyes out and shoveling entire pints of ice cream into their word holes. So it honestly comes as no surprise that as soon as men decided to allow them on to the internet, they felt the need to draw attention to themselves there as well. Bill Gates, the well known CEO of World Domination Inc. predicted that this would occur, and teamed up with some technical genius from Taiwan in order to create perhaps the most overused invention since the condom: the webcam. And the rest is history. Thousands of pictures of genuinely unattractive skanks staring blankly at their monitors can be seen all over the internet. But it doesn't stop there. Some of these women even go so far as to put up wishlists on their sites, in the hopes that every guy who gazes upon her will find himself compelled to pry open his wallet and donate some money in order to assure that she doesn't have to miss out on any of the latest items from the endless stream of bullshit that she neither needs nor deserves. Essentially, this makes her a whore who doesn't actually have the talents one equates with that particular profession. Excuse me, but fuck you, bitch. If you want some money, you either go out and earn it, or you learn how to suck like a Dirt Devil, because no chick on a webcam has ever looked good enough to deserve anything more than the lint from my pockets. And I wouldn't even pay to have it shipped to her.

Closing Statement: Get off the internet and die please, everyone who isn't me.